seonghwa made his way to the bakery on monday morning, a quiet smile tugging at his lips. the air was crisp and the sunlight was breaking through clouds. after helping hongjoong submit his culinary school applications over the weekend, he felt like they had finally made it past the hard part. things felt easier. and now, with hope fluttering in his chest, he was excited to see him again.

he joined the short line, hands tucked into the pockets of his coat, eyes drifting around the familiar shop. it smelled like cinnamon and coffee beans. everything felt warm, full of potential. eventually, he made it to the front, greeted by a cheerful voice.

"good morning, seonghwa. how can i help you today?" yeosang asked with a grin.

"i'll take a chai latte," seonghwa replied with a gentle nod, tapping his phone to leave a tip before stepping aside to wait. he leaned against the counter, scanning behind the register until his gaze landed on the man he was here for.

hongjoong looked up from the espresso machine, spotting seonghwa almost immediately. his lips curved into a soft smile on instinct, but something inside him twisted. the smile did not reach his eyes. the guilt from the previous day was still gnawing at him, sharp and bitter, like over-steeped coffee.

he did not know why he had opened up so much. maybe it was the way seonghwa listened, the way he never pushed too hard. but now, with everything out in the open, the memories of his mom, the sacredness of his dreams, he felt exposed. like he had handed over a piece of himself that was not meant to be shared.

with practiced hands, he prepared the chai latte, heart thudding as he walked it over.

"here you go," he said quietly, handing the cup over while keeping his eyes focused anywhere but on seonghwa's face.

"if you're free tonight, i was thinking maybe we could go out?" seonghwa asked, hopeful, his voice light but sincere.

hongjoong hesitated. the question lingered in the air between them, delicate and heavy all at once. a part of him wanted to say yes. of course he did. but another part, the louder part, whispered that it was wrong. that he was too much, or maybe not enough.

but he ignored that voice.

"sure, we can go somewhere," he replied, forcing the words out, trying to smile even though it did not feel right.

"great. want to meet somewhere in upper manhattan?" seonghwa continued, unfazed by the dullness in hongjoong's tone.

"sure," hongjoong said again, voice flat, distant.

luckily, seonghwa did not seem to notice. "great. i'll talk to you later," he said with one last smile before turning around and leaving the shop.

hongjoong watched him go, a heaviness settling over his chest like a fog.

"hongjoong, what the actual fuck was that?" wooyoung's voice rang out from behind the counter, cutting through the silence like a knife.

hongjoong blinked. "what was what?" he asked, faking confusion.

wooyoung crossed his arms, unimpressed. "could you have seemed any less interested in going out with him?"

"i'm just tired today, is all," hongjoong replied quickly, avoiding his eyes. it was easier than telling the truth. he did not want to talk about the almost-kiss or the application. those moments felt too close, too sacred, too embarrassing.

wooyoung rolled his eyes. "well, have a shot of espresso and perk up. he seems like a good one! don't push him away just because you're scared."

he patted hongjoong's back before walking off, leaving him to stand in silence.

hongjoong exhaled slowly, staring down at the counter. he knew wooyoung was right. he knew seonghwa was kind, patient, full of the kind of love that did not ask for too much. but still, he could not get past the wall he had built. the fear that if he let someone see all of him, they would leave. or worse, stay and see what a mess he really was.

he knew it was self-sabotage. but that did not make it any easier to stop.

and now, with a date looming he had not wanted to agree to, the weight of it all sat heavy on his shoulders.

——

the late afternoon was dull and colorless, the bronx skyline blurred by a layer of haze that refused to lift. from the window of his apartment, hongjoong could just barely make out the tops of cars and the flicker of neon signs turning on early. everything outside felt distant, like it was happening in a city far away from the one he was in.

inside, the apartment was quiet except for the soft hum of his laptop speakers, the candle on the windowsill, and the occasional creak of the radiator. hongjoong sat on his couch, curled into himself with a blanket draped over his shoulders like armor. a mug of cold tea sat forgotten on the floor.

his phone lay beside him, facedown. he had looked at the clock three times in the past ten minutes, five forty two p.m. now. they were supposed to meet at seven.

fallin', fallin', fallin' in unfamiliar space
'cause i was drenched in you before i even knew your name

'slip away' but luke hemmings played low in the background, threading its way through the silence like a whisper he could not ignore. the words hit something deep inside him, some place that had been soft since yesterday.

he closed his eyes and rested his head back, exhaling slowly. he did not want to cancel, at least not mentally. but emotionally, he felt like he had to. the thought of showing up and pretending everything inside of him was not a mess felt dishonest. it felt cruel, even.

fadin', fadin', fadin' with the breath you take
see your southern heart hidin' behind a city face

he thought about the way seonghwa had looked at him that morning. like he meant something. like he was safe. it made hongjoong want to scream. or cry. or disappear entirely.
how could someone look at him that way when he could not look at himself the same?

he sat there, still, the song pressing against his chest like a weight.

drownin' out the fires
as i'm lyin' here awake
i can feel you slip away
like i knew you would

the words felt like prophecy. like warning. like memory.

he reached for his phone.

he opened the chat with seonghwa, the message history staring back at him, full of warmth he did not feel he deserved.

his thumbs hovered. his heart beat louder than the music.

hongjoong
hey. i'm sorry to do this, but i don't think i can make it tonight.

he paused. the sentence sat there like a wound. unfinished.

he stared at it. deleted it. rewrote it.

don't you leave me in this silence
when you've seen all my mistakes
now i'm lookin' for escapes
like i knew i would

his hand trembled slightly as he typed.

hongjoong
i've been trying to talk myself into tonight for hours. but the truth is... i can't go. i'm not okay. and i'm realizing maybe i haven't been for a while.

you were kind to me. too kind. and now i feel like i'm pulling you into something you don't deserve. something i can't even name.

his eyes welled but he blinked the tears back, swallowing hard.

stallin', stallin', stallin' 'til i take the blame
yeah, i lied to you like a promise on new year's day

he thought of how seonghwa had looked at him during their conversation about culinary school. how he had just sat there and listened. no expectations. no demands. just soft attention.

hongjoong had let himself believe, just for a moment, that someone could hold all of his pieces without bleeding.

but he could not keep pretending. not when every moment with seonghwa made him feel like he was balancing on a wire with no safety net.

you saw me, saw me, saw me
i got nowhere to hide
yeah, the worst in me is racin' all around your mind

he sent the message.

the second it was gone, he placed his phone down on the table like it might bite him if he looked again. the candlelight flickered against the glass, making the shadows dance on the wall like ghosts of something he almost had.

he curled tighter into himself, breathing quietly, as the chorus came back.

drownin' out the fires
as i'm lyin' here awake
i can feel you slip away
like i knew you would

he hated how true it felt. like he was the one letting go. like he was the one slipping. and the silence left in the wake of his message did not feel like relief, it felt like grief.

don't you leave me in this silence
when you've seen all my mistakes
now i'm lookin' for escapes
like i knew i would

he wrapped his arms around his knees and pressed his face into the fabric of the blanket. the room felt colder now, the sky darker. the song played on, soft and damning.

mm, slip away, slip away, slip away
i'll slip away, slip away, slip away

maybe it was always going to end like this. not in some dramatic final scene, but in a quiet apartment, with a song he did not mean to listen to and a heart too afraid to be held.

he had wanted so badly to let someone in.

but in the end, he could only do what he knew. push them away, before they saw too much.

before they decided they did not want to stay.

i can feel you slip away
like i knew you would

and hongjoong sat there, listening to the silence grow thicker than the music, hoping that this would not be the last time seonghwa reached for him.

but knowing, deep down, that it very well might be.

hongjoong girl...

-vic