seonghwa sat by the window on the subway, forehead pressed lightly to the cool glass as the city blurred past in streaks of grey and gold. the car rocked gently, the lights overhead flickering every now and then as they passed between stations. he had his hands folded in his lap, thumbs nervously twisting the fabric of his coat sleeve.

he had not planned to go. he had read the message over and over again in his apartment, pacing around the kitchen like the words might rearrange themselves if he stared hard enough.

but they had not. they stayed the same. distant, final, quietly devastating.

still, there he was. countless stops north. heart loud in his chest.

he got off at hongjoong's stop, the bronx air cooler than expected, sky a muted kind of grey. he walked the rest of the way with his head down, weaving through sidewalks cluttered with moving bodies and rustling trees. the quiet hum of traffic followed him, but it all felt far away. like background noise to something heavier.

by the time he reached hongjoong's building, his stomach felt tight, chest pulled thin. he made his way up to hongjoong's unfamiliar door, trying to find the version of himself who had not read that message. the version who still believed they were moving forward.

he could not find him, so he knocked instead.

gentle. uncertain. a breath held still.

there was a long pause, just the creak of floors inside, like the apartment was not sure it wanted to be opened. then the door swung open.

hongjoong stood there, smaller than usual, wrapped in a worn sweater that swallowed his frame. his eyes were tired, rimmed with something fragile. he did not look surprised,
but instead just stood there quietly. like he had been waiting for this in some part of him.

seonghwa's voice came out softer than he meant. "can i come in?"

hongjoong hesitated, then nodded once and stepped aside.

the apartment was dim, the candle still burning on the windowsill. a song seonghwa did not recognize hummed low from the speakers, almost drowned out by the silence between them.

seonghwa stood awkwardly just inside the door, glancing around like the walls might explain what had gone wrong.

"i got your message," he said after a moment, voice careful.

hongjoong nodded, arms crossing over his chest like he was trying to hold himself together. "yeah. i figured."

"i almost didn't come," seonghwa admitted. "but i didn't want to just... leave it like that."

hongjoong looked down. "you probably should have."

"don't say that."

a pause stretched out.

"i don't get it," seonghwa said finally, stepping closer. "yesterday you let me in. you let me help you with the applications. we laughed. we—" his voice cracked just a little. "you looked at me like i mattered. i messed up, i know i did... but i didn't get a chance to really say sorry."

hongjoong flinched at that. "i'm sorry, seonghwa. i really am."

he looked up, finally meeting seonghwa's eyes. his own were glassy, haunted. "you didn't do anything wrong. and i still feel like i can't breathe when you look at me like you do."

"like what?" seonghwa questioned, hurt evident in his voice.

"like i'm worth something."

the words hung there, delicate and awful.

seonghwa's expression crumpled. "you are."

"you don't know that." hongjoong replied quickly.

"yes, i do," seonghwa said, stepping closer. "i see you. even when you try to hide. especially then. and i don't care if you're a mess, or scared, or unsure. i just wanted—" he faltered. "i just wanted to be there with you. whatever that looked like."

hongjoong's voice cracked like ice. "you deserve someone who isn't always halfway out the door."

"you're not," seonghwa whispered. "you just think you are."

they stood there, the space between them sharp and aching.

hongjoong turned away, pacing toward the couch. he sat down slowly, running a hand through his hair, fingers trembling. "i don't know how to do this. i don't even know what this is. we weren't even... anything. not really."

seonghwa crossed the room quietly. "so why does it hurt like we were?"

hongjoong did not answer.

"you said we weren't anything," seonghwa said, softer now. "but you let me in. you let me see the parts you never show anyone. that means something."

hongjoong nodded, slowly. "it did."

"so why are you pushing me away?"

hongjoong looked up at him, eyes tired, voice flat. "because if i don't, you'll stay. and then one day you'll wake up and realize you shouldn't have. and that'll hurt more than this."

"you don't know that," seonghwa said, almost pleading. "you don't know what i'd do."

hongjoong gave him a hollow smile. "no. but i know what i'd do. i'd ruin it. i'd ruin you."

the silence after that was louder than anything they had said.

seonghwa's shoulders dropped, all the fight draining from him. "so this is it?"

hongjoong looked at him, something unreadable in his eyes. "we were never official. there's nothing to end."

"don't do that," seonghwa whispered. "don't pretend it didn't matter just because it's easier."

hongjoong did not reply.

seonghwa stood there a moment longer, heart thudding painfully. then he nodded. just once. like he was accepting something he didn't want to believe.

"okay," he said, almost to himself. "okay."

he turned to leave, then paused at the door. his voice came out quiet. almost shaking.

"i hope one day you see yourself the way i did."

the door clicked shut behind him.

hongjoong sat still on the couch, staring at the place where seonghwa had stood. the candle flickered once, then went out.

the silence that followed was the loneliest thing he had ever heard.

girl cmon now...

everyone tell me a fun fact about yourself! a fun fact about me is that my engagement party is in 2 weeks!!!!!

-vic