seonghwa paced the length of the living room, his hands running through his hair for what felt like the hundredth time that day. his heart was still heavy; a tight, aching thing lodged behind his ribs, and every breath felt like it took too much effort.

he stopped in front of the window and stared out at the street below, watching the blur of people and cars, wondering how the world always looked so normal when everything inside him was unraveling.

behind him, san sat cross-legged on the couch, a cup of tea balanced in his hands, watching him with that calm, quiet concern that only san could offer. he had not said much since seonghwa asked him earlier, just a simple "can we talk?" followed by a barely-there "about hongjoong."

"i don't get it," seonghwa finally muttered, breaking the silence. "i really don't."

he turned around and dropped down onto the couch beside san, the cushions sighing under his weight. he leaned forward, elbows on his knees, hands dangling between them. his whole body felt like it had been wrung out.

"he kissed me," he said quietly, eyes fixed on the floor. "after everything. after the silence. after leaving. he just... he kissed me like none of it had happened. like we hadn't fallen apart. our first kiss together."

san said nothing. he just nodded, gently encouraging him to keep going.

"and then this morning," seonghwa continued, his voice a little sharper now, frustration creeping in, "he looked at me like he didn't know why he did it. like it meant nothing. or maybe like it meant everything and that scared him."

he let out a shaky breath. "i asked him to tell me why. i asked him what he wanted. and he just... couldn't."

san finally spoke. "do you think he doesn't know what he wants?"

seonghwa looked up, meeting san's gaze. "no. i think he knows exactly what he wants. i think he just doesn't think he deserves it."

san's eyes softened. "so what did you say?"

seonghwa leaned back, letting his head rest against the cushion behind him. he stared at the ceiling for a moment, then closed his eyes.

"i told him we should forget it ever happened," he said, and the words tasted like ash in his mouth. "and i told him... i told him it's probably best if we really move on this time. like officially."

san blinked slowly. "do you want to?"

seonghwa's jaw clenched. "i don't know. i don't think i do. but i can't... i can't keep doing this. i can't keep being the one waiting, the one hoping he'll finally let me in. it hurts, san. it really fucking hurts."

his voice cracked at the end, and he rubbed his hands over his face, trying to breathe through the sting in his eyes.

"i know he's been through things," seonghwa continued, quieter now. "i know there's something holding him back. something deep. we talked about it, for a bit. once. i'm just tired of guessing. i'm tired of trying to give my all someone who won't let me."

san reached over and set his cup down on the table, then leaned back, pulling his legs up under him. "do you think he wants to let you in?"

"yes," seonghwa said without hesitation. "i think he does. i think part of him is desperate to. but the other part..." he trailed off, his voice softening. "the other part is terrified."

he thought of the look in hongjoong's eyes that morning, like he was trapped between wanting and running. like something inside him was breaking, but he would not let it fall.

"it's like he's been taught to believe that love is dangerous," seonghwa whispered. "like if he lets someone close, they'll use it against him. or leave. or worse."

"but you've talked about his past, right?" san asked.

"yeah, just that one time. he opened up, but i'm not sure if it was fully. i tried to reassure him that i'd always be here for him, but i think he's worried about that," seonghwa leaned forward, resting his head in his hands.

"and maybe it is. maybe it is easier. but god, san, i wish he'd just talk to me. i wish he'd let me carry even a little bit of whatever it is he's been holding onto all this time. because i swear, i'd hold it. i'd hold all of it."

his voice cracked again, and this time the tears came. silent and slow, slipping down his cheeks without permission. he did not bother wiping them away.

"i don't need him to be perfect," he said, barely audible now. "i just need him to be honest. i just need him to try."

san reached over and gently placed a hand on seonghwa's back, a silent comfort. the weight of it grounded him, but it did not ease the ache.

"you did the right thing," san said softly. "giving him space."

"it doesn't feel right," seonghwa said. "it feels like giving up."

"sometimes," san murmured, "letting go is the kindest thing you can do. for both of you."

they sat in silence after that, the kind that did not ask for anything. seonghwa listened to the sound of the radiator clicking faintly in the corner, the wind brushing past the windows, and the occasional creak of the building settling around them.

his chest still hurt.

because feelings were not supposed to feel this lonely.

he thought about the way hongjoong had kissed him last night; desperate, reckless, full of something that felt like longing and fear all at once.

and then he thought about the way hongjoong had looked this morning, sitting on the edge of the bed, unable to meet his eyes. like he knew he was about to lose something and still could not stop it.

"i keep thinking," seonghwa said suddenly, breaking the silence again, "that if he just talked to me... i could help. i could understand."

san nodded slowly. "maybe one day he will."

seonghwa gave a small, sad smile. "maybe."

but he was not sure anymore.

he sat there for a while longer, letting the ache settle in his bones, knowing that the space he had asked for might stretch into something permanent. maybe it needed to. maybe the only way hongjoong would ever learn how to trust someone was if he was given the time to learn how to trust himself first.

seonghwa wiped his face with the sleeve of his sweater and sat up straighter.

"thank you," he said, voice hoarse. "for listening."

"always," san replied. "you don't have to go through this alone."

seonghwa nodded, but he still felt alone.

because at the end of the day, no one else could fix what had broken between him and hongjoong. no one else could open that door but the person who kept it locked.

and for now, all he could do was step back and hope that maybe someday, hongjoong would be ready to let him in again.

but until then, he had to let go.

even if it broke him to do it.

i only have 10 chapters left to write of this book! it'll be 50 chapters long. once they're all completed, i'll probably be updating more often!

-vic