hongjoong returned to his apartment after his shift, throwing his bag to the floor with a sigh. the sound echoed against the empty walls, filling the silence that had become too familiar. his hands trembled slightly as he kicked his shoes off, sinking onto his bed.

his mind would not stop. it kept drifting, over and over, back to seonghwa.

today of all days, it was his birthday.

hongjoong let out a shaky breath, his fingers absentmindedly tracing the frayed edge of the mattress. i should be there.

he should be there with seonghwa, celebrating. holding him. making him laugh. making him smile.

he stared at the ceiling, feeling the weight of it press against his chest.

"happy birthday," he whispered to no one.

his throat tightened. he wondered what seonghwa was doing for his birthday.

was he out with friends? was he smiling? was someone else making him laugh the way hongjoong used to? the thought made his stomach twist.

he pushed himself up with a sigh, grabbing and opening his laptop. his fingers hovered over the keyboard for a moment before instinctively clicking into an old email, one that had sat unopened for weeks now. except for the few times he had tortured himself by looking at it.

"congratulations! you have been accepted into our pastry program!"

the words burned just as much as the first time he read them. his eyes softened, drooping as a tear welled, blurring the screen.

he had not accepted it yet. he could not get himself to do it.

after receiving the offer, all he could think about was seonghwa. the memory played like a film in his head; sitting with him, legs crossed, nudging hongjoong's knee with a grin. "it's your dream, right?"

he had listened. reluctantly, nervously, but he had. he applied with seonghwa sitting next to him the whole time, encouraging him when his self-doubt crept in. seonghwa had always believed in him more than he ever believed in himself.

hongjoong wiped at his face, frustrated with himself. it was all because of him. seonghwa had practically dragged him to this point, and yet... he could not bring himself to press 'accept.'

he did not know why it was so hard to admit it out loud. that he had let go of something so good. so precious. not because he wanted to, but because he was scared. scared of being seen. of being loved. of ruining it all before it could ruin him.

his thumb hovered over the trackpad. he sat there for what felt like hours. the scholarship offer was sitting right there too, the full ride. no tuition. no fees. everything he ever dreamed of.

but none of it felt real. he wished he had his mom beside him. he wished he had seonghwa beside him.

"i wish you were here," he whispered, voice cracking. "i wish... i wish i could tell you. that i did it. that i made it."

he was talking to both of them, not knowing which he was directing it more to at that point.

he closed his eyes, letting the tears fall freely now. "happy birthday, hwa."

his chest ached. he was not sure if it was guilt or regret or just the hollow shape seonghwa had left in his heart.

and even as the acceptance button glowed in front of him, waiting. hongjoong still could not press it.

not yet.

not without him.

——

seonghwa stood in front of the mirror, adjusting the fit of his shirt for what felt like the tenth time. the fabric sat perfectly, the silver chain around his neck catching the dim light of his bedroom. he looked good, he knew he did.

but as he stared at his reflection, all he could think about was hongjoong.

his fingers hovered over the buttons for a moment, his lips pressing into a thin line.

he should be here. he should be helping me pick which jacket to wear, sitting on my bed with that scrunched little smile, teasing me for taking too long.

"this one?" seonghwa mumbled to himself, holding up a leather jacket. he laughed under his breath, imagining hongjoong's voice in his head. 'you look good in anything, hwa. stop stressing.'

he missed him. more than he knew how to say. more than he let anyone else see.

he sat on the edge of his bed for a second, fingers nervously playing with the ring on his thumb. his chest tightened. it did not feel right, celebrating when he was still hurting inside. it did not feel right celebrating when the one person he wanted to share it with was not there.

"i wish you were coming," he whispered softly. "i wish you were... mine."

he swallowed the ache, forcing himself to stand again. forced the smile back onto his face.

he slipped the jacket on, checked himself one last time in the mirror.

"happy birthday," he told his reflection quietly. but it did not feel like it.

not without him.

i love how this book ended by the way!!

-vic