content warning: sexual content.

they walked through the bronx slowly, the streets glowing under the yellow-orange blur of streetlamps, quiet except for the occasional car or the distant buzz of laughter drifting from an open bar window. the air was thick and still, warm against their skin, and the sidewalks glistened faintly from a brief evening rain.

their arms brushed once. then again.

suddenly, seonghwa's fingers found hongjoong's.

for a moment, hongjoong almost did what he always did: pull away. shut down. make an excuse to get seonghwa to leave. he had gotten too used to the instinct of retreat, of protecting himself from softness, from being seen too closely.

but tonight, something was different.

he let seonghwa take his hand.

for the first time in a long time, it did not feel like a threat. it did not make him flinch. instead, it settled into him like warmth in the chest, quiet and steady.

he squeezed back.

it was not a big gesture. it was not loud or dramatic.

but it was something, and for once, hongjoong wanted to embrace it.

when they got to hongjoong's apartment, he kicked his shoes off and headed straight for his laptop, dragging in a shaky breath as he pulled up the email he had been avoiding for weeks. the subject line glared back at him like it knew too much.

he stared at the 'accept' button like it was a cliff edge.

seonghwa stood beside him, close but not too close. he was solid and calm, grounding him just by being there.

"i don't know if i can do this," hongjoong spoke, breaking the silence.

"hongjoong, you got this. i'm here for you. i promise," seonghwa suddenly put his arms around hongjoong for comfort, the smaller of the two easing into seonghwa's embrace.

hongjoong hovered for a moment longer, took a deep breath, then clicked.

a tiny confirmation box popped up.

you're in! welcome to the program.

he sat back, stunned. his hands were trembling, just a little. it was real now. no more waiting, no more wondering if he was good enough. the door had opened, and he walked through it.

"you did it," seonghwa said softly with a smile.

hongjoong looked up at him and smiled back. it was small and quiet, but real. something fragile and glowing sparked in his chest, the kind of feeling he had spent years convincing himself he was not allowed to have.

"yeah," he said. "i did."

they just looked at each other for a moment. the kind of silence that did not ask to be filled. the kind that wrapped around them like a blanket.

maybe it was the wine from dinner, warm and slow in his veins. or maybe it was the soft way seonghwa was looking at him, like hongjoong had just lit up a whole room by existing. like he was something worth being proud of.

whatever it was, something came over him.

hongjoong leaned in.

his hand found the side of seonghwa's neck, tentative, thumb brushing gently against his skin, and then their lips met.

the kiss was soft at first. it was barely there, almost like a question. but when seonghwa kissed him back, when he leaned into it like he had been waiting, something inside hongjoong broke open.

it deepened.

suddenly, hongjoong found his fingers in seonghwa's hair. the smallest moan left seonghwa's lips as the kiss deepened. it was the kind of kiss that pulled everything to the surface, that tasted like every moment they had missed, every word they had not said.

seonghwa's hands were on hongjoong's waist now, pulling him closer until there was nothing between them but heat and heartbeat and the quiet sound of want. hongjoong let himself melt into it, let himself feel the way seonghwa knew how to hold him like he was something precious.

they stumbled backwards onto the bed without breaking apart, their mouths still chasing each other like gravity.

an unusual feeling began brewing in hongjoong's stomach, the feeling he tried to push. without another thought, he ripped his shirt off, breaking their kiss for a brief moment.

a sudden burst of confidence grew over hongjoong as he played with the hem of seonghwa's shirt, toying with the idea of pulling it off.

"take it off me, joong," seonghwa whispered out with a deep, sultry voice. hongjoong obliged.

when they finally touched skin to skin, breath against breath, it was not just physical. it was something deeper. something healing.

like coming home.

they moved together like they had done it in the past, like their bodies knew each other by heart. it was not perfect, but it was real; hands clutching, mouths open with soft gasps and whispered names, the kind of intimacy that made the world disappear.

"is it okay if i..." hongjoong trailed off as he stared down at seonghwa's crotch, clearly hard in his dark pants.

"if you're okay, i'm okay," seonghwa said with reassuring eyes.

hongjoong pushed back any second thoughts and unzipped seonghwa's pants, his member shooting out from his underwear. hongjoong began playing with it as he continued kissing seonghwa, deep moans leaving his mouth.

hongjoong put his mouth around seonghwa's member, pumping up and down with a slight urgency. he looked up into seonghwa's eyes as he kept pumping. seonghwa ran his fingers through the smaller's hair as he pushed his head down further.

"fuck," seonghwa moaned out. "i'm gonna cum."

a few more pumps and seonghwa shot his load down hongjoong's throat.

"your turn?" seonghwa asked kindly, sounding out of breath.

suddenly, hongjoong felt uneasy.

he felt dirty.

he felt wrong.

he sat up slowly, sitting next to seonghwa with a stiffness that had not been there the moment before. the warmth from their shared touch still lingered on his skin, but instead of comfort, it made him feel bare. it made him feel like he had peeled back too many layers and left himself exposed in the cold.

"um, a-actually, i'm okay. thanks though," hongjoong croaked out awkwardly, shifting his body to sit beside seonghwa on the edge of the bed instead of letting himself stay wrapped in the softness of the aftermath. he did not dare look at him.

his voice sounded strange in his own ears. small. hollow.

seonghwa blinked at him, surprised, but did not move to pull him back. he just stayed quiet, watching, like he already knew something had shifted.

hongjoong stared down at his hands.

what had he just done?

he should not have let it happen, should not have let himself fall into that moment so easily. the kiss, the touch, the closeness... it had felt like everything. and that was the problem.

it felt too good. too easy. like he was allowed to want it.

like he was allowed to be held.

and now that it was over, all he could feel was the ache of regret blooming in his chest.

he had not just let seonghwa in, he had dragged him in. showed him parts of himself he usually kept locked behind iron walls. he had let his guard down. had looked at seonghwa with soft eyes, with hope, like maybe he could actually have this. like he deserved it.

he clenched his jaw, trying to swallow the lump forming in his throat.

seonghwa had always been gentle with him, always patient. and hongjoong just kept ruining it. kept pulling him close only to push him away again, like a cruel tide.

you should not have let him touch you like that, a voice whispered at the back of his mind. you should not have looked at him like he was home.

he could feel the distance building already, a cold wall creeping up between them, and he welcomed it like armor.

he did not deserve what seonghwa gave him.

"maybe you should go now," hongjoong said, his voice low, eyes fixed on the floor. he did not dare look at seonghwa.

seonghwa sighed quietly, already sensing the wall going up. it always went up.

"i'll go," he said, trying to keep his voice even. "thanks for coming to dinner tonight."

he stood, pulling his shirt back over his shoulders and buttoning his pants without much urgency. there was nothing left to say, and hongjoong did not try to stop him.

as he walked to the door, he barely spared a glance back.

hongjoong watched him go. watched the door click shut. then the silence settled in, thick and unforgiving.

he dropped his gaze and gripped the sides of his head, fingers tangling in his hair in frustration. he did not know why he had pushed seonghwa away. again.

he did not know why he let it go that far tonight, why they got so close, why he even said yes to dinner in the first place.

he did not know anything except that he already missed him.

like muscle memory, he reached for his phone and tapped play on luke hemmings' 'close enough to feel you', letting the sound fill the empty room. let it sting. let it speak for him.

think you're more than a friend
can you drive me home?
now i'm fallin' apart again
now i'm fallin' apart again
i just wanna be close enough to feel you
but the pain is so familiar
now i'm fallin' apart again
now i'm fallin' apart again
i just wanna be close enough to feel you
but the pain is so familiar

unfortunately, every single word hit too close.

he could relate to all of it way too much.

oh no hongjoong... i needed a freak chapter in here somewhere.

-vic