the wine had started flowing before dinner was even done.

seonghwa invited yunho and mingi to his shared apartment for the evening, gathering in the boys' cozy living room. the two brought over a few bottles of red and snacks. seonghwa was hoping the evening could ease his nerves.

the couch and floor were littered with cushions, wine glasses half full, san with his legs thrown over jongho's lap, mingi sprawled out like a starfish on the floor, and seonghwa pacing back and forth in front of the window like he was waiting for lightning to strike.

"he just left," seonghwa said, for what was probably the fifth time. he had a glass in his hand, but he had not taken a sip in minutes. "we had dinner. we walked. we talked. we—" he paused, waving the wine in a little circle like it might help him find the words. "we were intimate, and then he told me to go."

"wait, after?" mingi asked, blinking slowly. he was tipsy enough now to say whatever came to mind without filtering it. "like, you guys did all that, and then he kicked you out?"

seonghwa nodded, a humorless laugh leaving his throat. "yep. like clockwork. like he couldn't get me out of there fast enough."

"damn," jongho muttered. "cold."

san looked up at him from the couch, frowning. "i knew something was off when you came home last night. you didn't even take your shoes off. just went straight to your room like you were gonna disappear into the wall."

"it was like he vanished too," seonghwa muttered, finally taking a sip of the wine. "i mean, he let me in, right? he really let me in for once. it wasn't just a damn blow job. it felt like he wanted me there. he held my hand, for fuck's sake."

"that's rare?" yunho asked softly, voice gentle as ever.

"it's hongjoong," jongho said, answering for him. "of course it's rare."

"i don't get it," seonghwa continued, sitting down now, his energy finally collapsing into the cushions beside mingi's sprawled legs. "he kissed me like he meant it. he touched me like he wanted to stay. and then afterward, it was like he couldn't stand being near me."

the room went quiet for a moment, the only sound the clink of san refilling his glass and mingi crunching on a chip.

then san said, "he's scared."

seonghwa looked up sharply. "of what? me?"

"of feeling," san replied, swirling his glass. "of letting someone love him."

"i'm not trying to ruin him," seonghwa snapped, the frustration bubbling just under his voice. "i'm not trying to suffocate him or make him into something he's not. i just want him, like, the real him. even the broken pieces."

"maybe that's what scares him," yunho offered, "that you're willing to take the broken parts too."

"i didn't think it'd go that far last night," seonghwa admitted, rubbing his temples. "i wasn't expecting it. i mean, yeah, we've been dancing around each other for months, but it always stops at the surface. and this time, he let me in. he even... you should've seen the way he looked at me when he clicked 'accept' on that damn email."

"what email?" jongho asked, brows furrowing.

"a pastry program he got into," seonghwa explained. "he was terrified of saying yes to it. thought he wasn't good enough. and i, i was there. i helped him through it. i thought it meant something." seonghwa said as he pointed to his chest, eyes bulging out of his head further with each word he spoke.

"it did," mingi said firmly. "don't do that thing where you convince yourself you imagined the whole thing."

"well then why did he shut down the second it was over?" seonghwa asked, voice strained, eyes glassy with something he refused to name. "why couldn't he just let himself stay with me in it?"

"because," san said carefully, "he thinks being seen is dangerous. you saw him in a moment of softness. that's terrifying for someone who's spent their whole life hiding."

"he looked so small afterward," seonghwa whispered, more to himself now. "like he regretted all of it. like i had done something wrong."

yunho shifted closer, leaning against the armrest. "hwa, you didn't do anything wrong. you were there for him. you showed up. that's all you can do."

"and he ran from it," seonghwa said bitterly. "he didn't even try to explain. just... 'maybe you should go now.' like we hadn't just, like i hadn't just, ugh."

"he probably thinks he messed it all up," jongho said, sounding more thoughtful now. "like if he pushes you away first, then he's in control of the fallout."

"he's so afraid of being hurt," mingi added. "so he hurts you first. not on purpose, not really. but it's what he knows."

seonghwa stared at his glass, lips pressed tight. the words were true, but they did not make the ache in his chest any less.

"i should hate him for it," he murmured. "but i don't."

"of course you don't," san said gently. "you want to be there for him. he's a good guy, he's just scared of love."

"i want to hate him, though. i want to be angry. i want to move on and stop thinking about how warm his hand felt in mine, or how soft he kissed me, or how he trembled when he clicked that button. i know he's broken, he's told me about it. i know what happened. but i don't know how many more times i can explain to him that it's okay, i don't mind, i will be there. i can't keep repeating myself," he said frustrated, digging his head into his palms.

the room fell silent again, the weight of seonghwa's words settling over them like fog.

then jongho, ever the pragmatist, asked, "what are you gonna do?"

"i don't know," seonghwa said honestly. "i want to give him space. but i also want to bang on his door and scream at him for shutting me out again. i want to make him see me."

mingi raised his glass. "to being emotionally wrecked by emotionally unavailable men."

they all clinked their glasses together with quiet laughter, the mood lightening for just a moment.

"he'll come back," yunho said softly, not a question, just quiet certainty. "when they know someone loves them, really loves them, they will come back."

"and when he does," san said, "you'll have to decide if you want to let him in again."

seonghwa exhaled, long and slow. he did not know the answer to that.

but he knew he still wanted hongjoong; despite the ache, despite the way it always ended in distance, despite everything.

maybe that was the problem.

"i'm tired," he said finally, setting his glass down. "i don't want to be a safe place he only visits when it's convenient. i want to be chosen."

"you deserve to be," jongho said simply.

"we'll be here," san added, nudging seonghwa's shoulder. "no matter what you decide."

mingi reached over and handed him a full glass. "drink. if nothing else, you'll get good sleep."

seonghwa gave a tired laugh, letting his head fall against the back of the couch.

he did not know what tomorrow would look like. did not know if hongjoong would reach out. did not know if they could ever go back.

but for now, he was held. by his friends. by their warmth. by the safety of this living room and the taste of red wine.

i'm on vacation ayeeeeeee

-vic