the club was glowing with red lights and the air was thick with bass, sweat and perfume. hongjoong knew the mess of it all felt right, like a welcome distraction.

"i'm buying the next round!" wooyoung shouted, already halfway to the bar.

"this is round four," yeosang said, sipping his drink like it was water. "you're going to die."

"we all die eventually!" wooyoung yelled back, disappearing into the crowd.

hongjoong leaned against the wall, drink in hand, watching bodies move around the dance floor. there was too much skin and color and motion, and the music was pulsing through his chest like a second heartbeat. he felt buzzed, heavy in his limbs but light in his head, the warmth of vodka mixing with something softer.

yeosang stood beside him, ever observant. "you okay?"

"yeah," hongjoong said, tipping back his drink. "just thinking."

yeosang did not press. he just nodded and looked back at the crowd. "you've been brave tonight, you know."

hongjoong scoffed, soft and bitter. "brave?"

"letting yourself feel anything again," yeosang said. "that's hard."

hongjoong did not answer. he just stared into his glass.

when wooyoung returned, he was breathless and triumphant, holding three neon-colored drinks. "i told the bartender it was your first time out in forever and she made these on the house. she called them 'emotional damage shooters.'"

hongjoong took the drink and knocked it back without hesitation. it burned on the way down, sharp and sweet and violent.

"we're gonna dance," wooyoung said, grabbing yeosang's arm. "you're coming?"

hongjoong shook his head. "i'm good. go."

they disappeared into the blur of lights and music and hongjoong stayed behind, sinking further into the wall. the alcohol hit him harder than expected. his body was warm and slow, and the thoughts he had tried to drink away were still sitting heavy in his chest.

you should have held onto him.

he tried not to think about the way seonghwa had looked at him that night; confused, hurt, still soft somehow. like he had not expected better, but had hoped anyway.

hongjoong closed his eyes. the room swayed gently around him, like the sea. he suddenly placed his drink at the bar, half full, a determined look on his face.

"i'm gonna step out for a bit," hongjoong said to his friends who were on the dance floor.

"wait, if you leave there's no re-entry!" yeosang screamed out, but it was too late. hongjoong had already turned around and walked out of the club, leaving the boys behind him.

the cool air hit his face like a slap when he stepped outside. the stretch of sidewalk ahead of him was empty and glowing under the streetlights. his boots clicked against the pavement. the smell of rain was in the april air. it all reminded him of that night.

the one where they walked together, fingers brushing, quiet and close.

the one where he let himself want.

he did not even remember deciding to go. he did not know what came over him to leave the club. his feet just started moving, like muscle memory. like instinct.

before he could stop himself, he was standing at seonghwa's building again.

this is stupid, he told himself.

but he walked inside anyway.

——

seonghwa was curled up on the couch in an old hoodie, a glass of wine in one hand, a book in the other, when the he heard a knock at his door.

at first, he ignored it. he thought it was for another apartment down the hall. but then he heard the knock again.

and again.

he sighed, stood up slowly, and padded barefoot to the intercom.

"hello?" he said, voice low and a little annoyed.

"h-hi," came the voice on the other end. slurred. familiar.

he froze.

"...hongjoong?"

"yeah," the voice said. then, more softly: "can i come in?"

seonghwa stared out the apartment peep hole for a moment, stunned.

wow, he thought, it's déjà vu.

he opened the door.

hongjoong stood in the hallway, small and flushed and swaying slightly. his hair was a mess, outfit slightly disheveled, mouth pink and parted. he looked like he had been through the end of the world and come back to report on it.

"hi," he said.

seonghwa blinked. "how drunk are you?"

hongjoong shrugged. "drunk enough to be here."

"and why did you come?" seonghwa asked, trying to be nice, but also feeling his heart break in his chest.

hongjoong looked down at his boots. "i missed you."

seonghwa leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed. "you always come back like this."

hongjoong looked up, eyes glassy. "like what?"

"drunk. guilty. needing something you don't think you deserve," seonghwa answered, almost too honestly.

hongjoong winced. "i know."

they stood there in silence for a moment.

then seonghwa sighed and stepped aside. "come in."

hongjoong walked in slowly, like he was afraid he might fall apart at any second. he paused in the doorway of the living room, eyes scanning the space like it had changed in his absence. it had not.

he turned to face seonghwa. "i didn't come here to... well, i mean, i don't expect anything."

"good," seonghwa said, gently. "because i don't have anything to give you tonight."

hongjoong nodded, his eyes falling. "i just... wanted to see you."

"you could've called," seonghwa said.

"i was scared you wouldn't answer." hongjoong responded as he cowered into himself.

seonghwa dug his face into his hands. "you're probably right."

another moment of silence fell between the men.

then, quietly, seonghwa asked, "why'd you do it, joong? why did you kick me out?"

hongjoong's eyes brimmed, the alcohol tugging his walls apart. "because you were too good. because i looked at you and felt safe, and that terrified me."

"so you punished me for it?" seonghwa asked confused, his eyebrows furrowed. a tear threatened to fall, but he pushed it back.

"i punished me," hongjoong said. "i've been doing it for years. but it always ends up hurting you too, and i hate that. i hate what i do to you."

seonghwa looked at him for a long time.

"i'm not angry anymore," he said. "just tired. i'm so tired, hongjoong."

hongjoong nodded slowly. "i get that."

he took a shaky breath, searching seonghwa's face for some small sign of hope, a door still open, even if just a crack. "i know i need help. and i think... i think i'm going to try to find it. but i didn't want to disappear without telling you that."

seonghwa's expression did not change. "thank you for saying that."

"i miss you," hongjoong whispered, voice cracking. "not just tonight. all the time."

seonghwa looked down at the floor, then back up again.

"maybe it's best," he said softly, "if we take time apart. again."

hongjoong felt the words settle into his chest like a stone.

"i thought—" he began, but stopped.

what was there to say? he had thought. he had hoped. but that did not change what he had done. what he kept doing.

seonghwa's voice stayed steady, though it trembled at the edges. "i can't keep reopening the same wound, joong. every time we start to heal, you tear it wide open again. i want you. i wish i could have you. but i need to put myself first."

hongjoong closed his eyes.

he nodded.

and just like that, the door that had started to open slowly began to close again.

this time, maybe for good.

but he did not fight it.

because for once, he understood.

maybe this was how they were meant to end, how they were destined to end from the beginning. they both had to let go. even when all they wanted to do is hold on.

i'm sorry i promise.

-vic