The room was filled with the sound of pants and cries. There were pearls of sweat emphasizing  his tattered breath. With much force he pushed himself to move and finally he opened his eyes.

Another Nightmare!

Xiao Zhan woke up to the sound of his phone. He got up and placed the phone to his right ear.

"A-Xian! Did I wake you up?"

"No, I was already awake." Xiao Zhan said swallowing his yawns.

"A-Xian,  A-Cheng is finally coming back this weekend and Father was wondering if you could come as well?"

Xiao Zhan gripped on his phone after hearing his brother's name. How could he face him?

"..Sorry Shijie, I have to work extra hours this weekend. I don't think I can make it." Xiao Zhan lied to his sister. He was once a person who would never lie but he rather not face his brother.

"Its Alright. I know A-Xian is working hard. I'll call you again. Take care!"

After the call ended, Xiao Zhan felt extremely terrible. She had always supported him when nobody else did.

He was too young when he was adopted by his uncle Lu Jian Min. And it was always his sister, Xuan Lu who took care of him. she was more like a mother than a sister.
And he felt hideous, lying to her. What's one more lie to a million?

With heavy steps Xiao Zhan got up from bed and went to take a bath. He lived alone and his apartment was a mess like his emotions.

Xiao Zhan stood under the cold shower as the water trickled down his senseless body. He had wished  that he could drain away all of his thoughts like the water and wash away all the scars. If things only worked like that.

After changing clothes, he opened his empty fridge and took the only bottle of water from it.
He gulped it in one go, bringing pain to his gullet but he didn't care.

At 9 he left for his work. Even in the crowded station filled with rustle and bustle of life, he heard no sound. His ears had been long deaf and his heart had been long dead.

Xiao Zhan reached his office and settled on his desk. It was a day just like any other. He worked till his fingers were aching and his eyes were sore. He would take extra hours purposely hoping he could escape -- escape his own self but he was only left with nothing more than the grinding work.

When the Sun was ready to meet the Earth, Xiao Zhan was done with his work.
He reported to the head  and went back to his mundane life.

While waiting for the bus on the station, his deaf ears were forced to listen.

"Zhan gege!!!"

"Zhan gege!!" It was a man,  4 years younger, running towards him.
Xiao Zhan recognized him right away. It was his only friend in this lonely city.

"Yubin. You got off work early today?"  His older sister Meng Ziyi and Xiao Zhan's sister Xuan Lu were in the same year back in the school. They were inseparable once and through them Xiao Zhan got to know Paul Yubin. 

"Zhan gege! You look terrible.  Are you eating properly?" Yubin said as he pulled him away from the queue.

Xiao Zhan just gave him a dry laugh. Yubin took out his phone and called his older sister.

uh oh!

Xiao Zhan knew what it meant, he wanted to run away but his body didn't have enough energy to do so. He stood there, for death to arrive and it did.

"Oh My God! How many times do I have to tell you to eat properly? Do you have a death wish? If so I can kill you myself!"  and it continued on for about half an hour.

Xiao Zhan was getting scolded by Meng Ziyi on the phone. He had been avoiding that by putting her number in the block list. He knew she would explode if she heard about his life and nobody is scarier than a woman when she's angry.

"I gave Yubin a card, it's a coworker but he's really good  Psychiatrists. Make an appointment okay? Are you even listening??"

"I am. I am." Xiao Zhan blurted as he was afraid to wake the sleeping beast again.

"I'm serious, if you don't go I'll call Xuan Lu." Meng Ziyi threatened him. Hearing his sister's name, Xiao Zhan's breath hitched a little. He had been lying to her sister about his health. If she found out how terrible he had become, she would leave everything just to check up on him, just like before.

"I'll go. Don't call Shijie."

"That will depend after you show me the medical report." Meng Ziyi smirked.

Now Xiao Zhan had no choice but to really go.

"I'll go." Xiao Zhan said with a heavy heart.

"Okay! Call you later. AND UNBLOCK ME YO-" before Meng Ziyi could complete her sentence, Xiao Zhan had ended the call. She was gonna scold him another hour just for blocking her.

After ending the call, Yubin took Xiao Zhan to a near by restaurant and they both ate. Even though Xiao Zhan had big appetite, he barely touched anything. But it was still more than he had from past few days. Even when his stomach begged for mercy Xiao Zhan had the lost the will to care.

Yubin handed him the card and said goodbye.

Back in his dark apartment, Xiao Zhan stared at the card for too long, he was looking at it but he wasn't seeing a thing. Deep down, he knew nothing would change. After contemplating for too long, he finally called for an appointment.

The Psychiatrist's assistant set the date for them. It was just one week before his brother's arrival. The days went on like a broken record, and Xiao Zhan was stuck like the sand in an hour glass. 

Even on the dreadful day of appointment, he felt nothing. He knew that his illness could not be cured because the monsters were deep in his core. 

Xiao Zhan arrived  at the famous hospital in Beijing. He passively went inside and checked in at the counter for his appointment. He was instructed to room # 13 on the 3rd floor. There he went.  Zheng Fanxing was the assistant in front of the room. He confirmed his appointment and let him wait for a moment. 

"Mr. Xiao, Please wait few moments, Doctor Liu is  currently engaged with another patient." Xiao Zhan nodded and sat on one of the empty chairs. It was early morning so there weren't enough patients yet. 

The world was stirring, changing everyday but for Xiao Zhan his time had been forced stop, to the day when he lost it all. He waited there silently with full head and empty soul. It was another day, just like before. 

"Mr. Xiao, It's your turn now, please this way." Zheng Fanxing led him to the room, he was a young boy probably of same age as his nephew Qi Peixin. 

Room number 13.

Xiao Zhan opened the door with no apparent thought in his head. He sat at the chair in front of the doctor's desk. Xiao Zhan didn't realize when the Psychiatrist started speaking or even what he was speaking. It was as if someone  had plugged his ears and cancelled all his senses. He was in a daze but there was a tug on his heart when he heard,

"Xiao Zhan." 

Xiao Zhan didn't know but hearing his name, suddenly like that made him want to puke. His insides were wringing as if the acid was burning everything. 

"You're friend of Dr. Meng I assume or did I mistake you for somebody else?" 

"Ah! Yes, Ziyi- I mean, Dr. Meng is my friend and she sent me to see you." Xiao Zhan said in monotone manner not really looking at particularly anything.

"She recommended you to me?" Psychiatrist confirmed.

"Yes?" Xiao Zhan was confused, was he a big deal or something?

After the moment of silence and deep thought, the Psychiatrist finally spoke up looking at his report,

"Dr. Meng had given me your report and I take it that you have been having nightmares on top, would you like to elaborate?" 

His nightmares?

If Xiao Zhan could, he would pick even more thought provoking word for those sleepless nights. How many tablets he chugged to get a shut eye? How many therapies he did to tame himself? How many times his tears ran dry? Why wasn't there a more fitting name for those dark days?

Those days when he couldn't even figure out what of him was real, what of him existed and what of him was the product of his longing. What was authentic? what was was fake? who was fake?

The atmosphere suddenly changed as if the air around him condensed and his lungs lost his ability to breathe. He bit his lips to break free but they only bled. The Psychiatrist rubbed his back and offered him some water. But his warm hand was only adding to his misery as he felt the scorching sun melting his skin. He pushed away his hand and quickly got up but his legs were so drained that he fell. 

On the cold floor with the senseless body, there was only a feeble sound in the distance.

"Xiao Zhan!"

"Xiao Zhan!"

"Xiao Zhan!"







[Flashback]

"Why don't you call your father, Xiao Zhan? or are you just going to cry?" The 3 little boys had cornered Xiao Zhan in an empty hallway. They were all 5th graders and were the bullies of the school. Nobody dared to talk to them as their parents had high connections. 

 One of the boy threw a bucket full of water on him, the cool breeze only added salt to the injuries. The 3 boys laughed at the sight as the water dripped through his shell. Xiao Zhan wrung one corner of his  shirt but didn't say a single world.

The boys were pissed, the one of the kid among them pulled his hair and punched his face. The other two boys held him by the arm and they beat him till he bled, but there was no word out of him. 

"It's that attitude of yours that piss me off!" the boy spit on him as they left  the empty hall way. 

After few minutes,  Xiao Zhan got up and went to the bathroom. He changed into his PE clothes and  bandaged the big cuts. After fixing himself, he took 2 cans of hot chocolate from the vending machine and went to the rooftop. The roof was not open for the students but the door had hole big enough for a cat to pass through. 

Xiao Zhan sat down leaning at the door and called, 

"You can come out now." 

"Gege! Gege!" 

The two 2nd graders crawled out of the hole like little kittens and  reunited  with their gege. Their happy expression changed into the worrying one on seeing all the injuries on his body. Xiao Zhan handed them the chocolate milk and ruffled their hair.

"Do you want me to get better?" 

The kids nodded vigorously. 

"Then you know what to do." 

The two kids looked at each other then gave the biggest smiles to Xiao Zhan. Their adorable smiles were enough to heal any wounds. 

After they finished their drinks, they left for home. Xiao Zhan dropped the little kid name Paul Yubin to his house and  went to his house with his little brother, Zhucheng. 

"Gege.." The little boy called squeezing his hand.

"Hmm?"  Xiao Zhan looked at his little brother. 

"Will they come back again?" Zhucheng said trembling  in fear. 

Xiao Zhan bent a little to meet his eyes, he gave him a reassuring smile and said,

"I'll chase them away, so don't worry A-Cheng." 

The two brothers went home dangling their little hands.

"We're back!" both said in unison when they entered their house. 

"Welcome back! Go wash up, the dinner is ready." Xuan Lu called from the kitchen. 

Their parents Liu Jia Min and Zhang Jing Tong were always busy with work. They both had their respective companies  and were rarely home. Xuan Lu  was a freshmen of high school but was still raising her brothers.

"A-Xian! what happened to you!? " Xuan Lu placed the food at the table and rushed to Xiao Zhan. She examined him from head to toe. 

"I slipped." 

"A-Xian! these are not the injuries one get from slipping. A- Cheng tell me what happened?" Xuan Lu examined Zhucheng for injuries when he had none, she heaved a sigh of relief. 

Xiao Zhan gestured Zhucheng to not say a thing and he didn't, even he was aware how hard A Jie had been trying to raise her brothers, she had already too much on her plate. 

"Gege Slipped." Zhucheng looked down averting her eyes. 

"Alright, lets not be sad. Now hurry up! I made your favorite, Lotus Pork soup." Xuan Lu poured them big bowls and the 3 of them ate till their heart content. It was the only happy time in the entire day.

[Flashback ends]

.

.

.

There was a dry tear in the corner of his eyes. When was the last time he had that soup? Every cell in him wanted to go, run to his sister because she had the power to make all of their pain go away.

"Mr. Zhan!" 

Hearing his name like that made him awfully uncomfortable. Xiao Zhan got up from the sofa where he had been placed after fainting. He bowed apologetically and got up to leave. 

"Mr. Zhan, you have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorde-" 

"So what?" Xiao Zhan cut him off with deadpan expression. 

"Mr. Zhan, if you don't treat yourself properly, I'm afraid y-you'll die." 

"And?" There was not even the slightest bit change in Xiao Zhan's expression. The Psychiatrist was taken aback a great deal. Before he could say anything Xiao Zhan made his way to the exit. When he opened the door he was a familiar figure standing outside. 

"Ziyi- I" 

"So you really did plan on killing yourself didn't you? " Meng Ziyi was the heart specialist at the same hospital. She became a doctor because of various heart ailments that Yubin had gone through.

"No.." Xiao Zhan mumbled under his breath.

"I can not hear you!! say it out loud!!" Even though Meng Ziyi was angry, tears could already be spotted at the corner of her eyes. 

"No!!!!"  only after shouting Xiao Zhang realized how everyone were staring at him. The gossips the people, it was terrifying. Xiao Zhan's breath started to hitch as he covered his ears with his both hands and shut his eyes close. Meng Ziyi realized that he was having another panic attack so she lead him outside. 

Before going outside, she turned around and said, 

"You do know who's  fault is  this, don't you?" 

--------------------------------------

Sorry for Errors.

I know their sur names are different, but imagine them with same relationship as in untamed.

The characters will only be from the untamed cast and those of you who don't know the actors names.

Xiao Zhan -  wei wuxian

Wang Yibo - Lan Wangji 

Liu Huai Kuan - Lan Xichen 

Xuan Lu - Jiang Yanli 

Wang Zhucheng - Jiang Cheng 

Zeng Fanxing - Lan Shizui 

Meng Ziyi - Wen Qing 

Paul Yubin - Wen Ning

Wang Hao Xuan - Xue Yang 

Song Jiyan - Xiao Xing cheng 

Li Bowen - Song Lan

Cao Yu Chen - Jin Zixuan 

Qi Peixin - Jin Ling 

Guo Cheng - Lan Jingyi 

Cao Jun Xiang - Ouyang Zizhen 

He Peng - Wen Chao 

Ji Lie - Nie Huaisang 

Wang Yi Zhou - Nie Mingjue 

Lu Jian Min - Jiang Fengmian

Zhang Jing tong - Yu Zi Yuan 

Chen Zhou Xuan - A Qing

Nyle Feng - Su she

Zhu Zhan Jin - Meng Yao