Like the blizzard in a holocaust, impelling every aversion, the frantic figure scampered though the street bumping into anything and everything. The voices around could not be heard by him, like sound erupted in chaos.

The red or green lights couldn't register in his brain, he ran as if only a single path remained.

Huffing and panting, he dashed through the big gate, crossing the corridors and finally into the office room.

He didn't wait to knock, he didn't pick on the perplexed faces of the people inside, in his broken breath he demanded,

"Where is the letter?"

Shook. Dr. Meng Ziyi was shook but kept her professional face, smiling at the patients she excused herself and dragged the disheveled man away from the eyeing crowd.

Opening the rooftop door, she led the man outside and inquired,

"What happened to you? You have an appointment in another 2 hours."

The same cold demand, rang in her ears, this time more vivid.

"Where is the letter, He Peng wrote for me? I know you have it – you got to have it."

Any doubts she had about Zhan referring to a totally different letter were gone. She couldn't deny it but she could hide it. Serenely she begun,

"You are not in the right state of mind to read it. You need to calm down first –"

"Where is the letter?!" Xiao Zhan demanded; his voice pitched high.

"You have to trust me, I was goin –"

"You lied!" He bellowed, "You lied Dr. Meng. I asked if I could trust you. You lied. You all lied."

Blown by that statement, she could only inquire,

"A-Zhan what are you talking –"

"Zheng Fanxing! He isn't your cousin! He isn't your anything! He's an orphan like me, a survivor like me."

Another bolt from the blue. How does he know that? Did he remember anything? Composing the waves down, she clarified,

"G-grandfather adopted him; he is registered as my cousin now."

Another thing she hid. Another thing she lied about. Bringing out another topic, Xiao Zhan revealed a thing which he learnt from his nephew.

"You and A-Cheng have been meeting secretly! You knew what he was planning to do but you all pretended, lied to me and fooled me. What is the value of my trust for you?"

She didn't lie, she just fabricated few truths to make him believe. She did it for the goodness of her own heart but did she think to consider how would it effect the other's world?

"A-Zhan, I-I –"

"And you knew where Wang Yibo was, didn't you?" He laughed bitterly at the realization. What a wag they made him.

"Those months, I thought he wasn't real, he was something fabricated out of my own imagination. My agonizing fictional love. and you didn't say a single thing? You didn't assure a single fact? I made my self a clown for you, I left my family and chose to rely on you! And this is how you tossed my trust away?"

She couldn't deny that, she chose to kept quiet, she wondered herself why?

"It's all a pretense, it had been just an act to show me that you cared but you don't! It's the guilt, isn't it? The guilt that Yubin assisted in killing my grandmother. You didn't want your brother to go behind the bars, didn't you?"

Guilt. Was it the guilt? She would be lying if she said no. It was majorly the guilt otherwise, she didn't even want to have anything to do with the Jiang family, anything related to Xuan Lu. She didn't want to know that her ex-girlfriend was living a life of luxury with her husband and son while wretchedness drowned her, reminding her of her long-lost love. She had moved on by then but deep down, she wanted any let out for the betrayal she felt.

Or maybe it was because she could see herself in Xiao Zhan? The same broken, pathetic, defeated self – wailing over something pitiful like first love. Maybe she thought it would ease her heart to see someone go through the same misery?

But she was sister of a brother.

She had seen Xiao Zhan grow up with her own eyes, at some point, she considered him, her brother. So, she kept quiet, not to hurt the other by revealing what awful things had been happening to Wang Yibo.

"Rest assured, I never intended to blame him. Or should I even blame anyone? It was my fault for choosing to trust you. At least, one thing I'm glad for, that my sister didn't marry you."

That was the sharpest dagger, piercing through her heart. She has moved on, she really has. But first love can never be forgotten now matter how bitter it was. And now that she knew the whole truth, it felt differently whole together.

"It's back in my house, go to A-Yu, he will give you..." That was all she could muster to say.

Xiao Zhan left; he didn't look back. He didn't want to look back. He went to the apartment where Wen Siblings resided. It was the place where he spent few weeks right after his rehabilitation. And those walls were back again, mocking him, laughing at him.

He was welcomed by Yubin's voice. Either he was cramming something or shouting at someone. Knowing Paul Yubin, he doubted it was the latter option. Xiao Zhan followed the sound which lead him to Yubin's room. He forgot to lock the door again, didn't he?

From ajar door he could see Yubin standing in front of the screen, holding a mic and rapping to some song enthusiastically.

He wants to be a rapper.

But he has Arrythmias – irregular heart pulse. He couldn't do anything exciting or rigorous. It was sole reason why Meng Ziyi became a Cardiologist. She wanted to fulfill her brother's dream.

Xiao Zhan saw him, rapping joyfully, his passion seeped through his voice but soon his voice cracked into coughs and he begun to pant.

Before Xiao Zhan could step inside and aid the man, he was already up and started signing again just after a sip of water. Stubborn. Seeing him like that, Xiao Zhan couldn't help but think of Wang Yibo.

His actions alone were enough to make Xiao Zhan take the next step and he knocked at the door – sane than before.

Yubin immediately turned off the screen and hid away the mic thinking it was his sister and when he turned around, a huge smile casted on his face.

"Zhan gege!" Excitedly he pulled Xiao Zhan inside and made him sit on the bed.

"You're already back in Beijing! I thought you were still in Chongqing. How's XuanXuan?"

All his anger subsided, but Xiao Zhan didn't allow himself to feel guilty. It was a letter directed to him. He had the right to know it. Without answering the lad's question, Xiao Zhan asked.

"Yubin, can you bring me the letter?"

"What letter?"

"He Peng's letter."

His face went pale hearing that, Paul Yubin was manipulated by He Peng, to gather all the information about Xiao Zhan. He didn't know for what cause, he really did believe that He Peng wanted to befriend Xiao Zhan again but it blew him out of the cold water, knowing that He Peng killed his grandmother.

"I-I ..ah..I –"

"Dr. Meng asked me to reach you."

Taken aback by the formality, Paul Yubin sprinted out of the room to get the letter. Xiao Zhan waited for him in the same place. With his same mind. When Paul Yubin arrived with the letter, he was hesitant to give to Xiao Zhan, so, xiao Zhan pulled it from it.

Gazing at the letter, it looked a little old. When did he write it? Xiao Zhan voiced out his thoughts,

"When did he...passed away?"

"Two months after you fell in coma."

3 years. 3 whole years and Xiao Zhan didn't know a thing about it. Feeling more betrayed than ever, Xiao Zhan left without saying anything.

. . .

Inside the safety of his apartment, Xiao Zhan stared at the letter long and hard.

Should he open it? Is it worth it after 3 years? Is he scared?

No! he's not. Rather, he felt nothing. Absolutely nothing but betrayal. Xiao Zhan got up and took a shower, hoping to subside his emotions first. Despite all else, he still wanted to give others, the benefit of the doubt.

And so, he finally opened the piece of paper. He recognized that writing, it was indeed written by He Peng. The one who used to be his best friend not his bully and the murderer.

To ZhanZhan.

At least, I hope it's you who's reading it. You probably don't want to hear from me again but I promise it will be last time. Well, let me introduce myself properly. I am He Peng. Son of Xui Qing and Feng Qi Nuo. My mother was the helper at the asylum where my father was curbed. I know what you might be thinking, 'Even someone like my father could fall in love, right?' Not sure about him but my mother did love him. She helped him escape and the two ran to Jiujiang where they had me. For once, our family was normal. My life was normal, I had you as my best friend and XuanXuan and FengFeng. The 4 of us were living our lives like any child should. We would hang out at my house, play around and have fun. My father took a keen interest in you, I happily told him that you're Xiao Zhan, son of deceased Wu Hao – Founder of Xiao Corps. The next heir and currently living under Liu Jian Min of the Jiang Corps.

It was the biggest mistake of my life.

Back then, the Xiao company was in shambles. Not only it was the most influential company but also the biggest in whole china. You can imagine how many power greedy hyenas were after it, especially after your parents' death. You were too young to know anything about the company and Song Jiyang was being falsely accused of murder – naturally your grandmother took over.

My father would often ask me about you, about your next visit. He would tell me to be extra nice to you. I genuinely thought he liked you and was happy about it. It was until my mother passed away.

My father changed a great deal, not out of loss but out of his sinister desires. I was terrified when I saw him dissecting my mother's corpse limb by limb, arranging every part organ by organ. But what made my hair stand up was when I heard him wanting to do the same with you.

My father fell in love with my mother, not for who she was but how she would look lying on the operating cod. And in the same way, he fell in love with you – wanting to dissect you.

So, I did what I could to protect you. I kept you away from me. Knowing you, you wouldn't break our friendship just because I asked you to. So, I had to do something extreme. I treated you exactly opposite of how my father asked me to. I begun to bully you. But every time, it broke my heart to see those eyes of yours. You felt betrayed, hurt and in pain and I was the cause.

I thanked all the million stars when your Sister came and requested for a transfer. You got into the different branch of the school.

My father was furious when I told him that we are no longer friends and you're not in the same school as me. I thought he would stop there. But Wang Yibo came in the picture. You were inseparable souls and I was happy that you found a friend. Unfortunately, my father knew who Wang Yibo was. He had acquainted with his uncle Zi Teng Huang before.

I freaked out and told Wang Yibo about it. Naturally he panicked as well. What could two little kids think of when the people they were suppose to turn to were all twisted monsters?

He also tried to put a distance, he said he had already hurt you enough, he wouldn't be able to survive if something happened to you again because of him. But unlike with us, you didn't stop going after Wang Yibo. Every time, he pushed you away, you went back to him, not stopping even when he bullied you. But seeing you hurt like that, he couldn't take it anymore, he said,

"The world is already unfair; I rather stay with him and protect him than join the crowd and mock him."

I was speechless, he was just the small kid like any of us yet he was ready to take on the world to protect you.

Around that time, Meng Ziyi and Paul Yubin arrived in Jiujiang. They came to study there but the part of reason was that the Wen family didn't accept Meng Ziyi's sexual orientation, so, she left on her own. but my father – not knowing that fact –Believed that she was sent as a warming from grandfather Zhang Bin. 

That's when I learnt that I have a grandfather and those people were my cousins. I also learnt that my father was married before and I have a half brother Wang Rong.

But my father got terrified and asked me to not interfere with them. The idea of family was so beautiful to me, especially after knowing about your family. You got two of them and mine wasn't even complete.

Without informing my father, I sneaked away to Changchun. That's where the Wen family lived. I hesitantly revealed who I was and to my surprise they embraced with open arms. My brother, my other mom, my cousins and my grandfather. They are the family of doctors but unlike my father, they save people's life don't experiment with it.

They promised to help me convince my father, they said he just needed treatment. None of us could've guess, what kind of murderer he was going to become. With new conviction I returned to Jiujiang but father got furious and we had to escape to Luoyang.

He made sure I lost all of the contacts with them. He begun to inject some sort of drugs in me. I knew that because I would blank out and whenever I gained conscious again, I was at a different place every time, as if I was sleep walking.

He asked me to befriend you again, by that time I was old enough to know what he wanted. He wanted the Xiao Corps money to build himself a lab.

So, I refused firmly, hoping that he would understand but no. I was wrong. He did something utterly awful. He drugged me, hypnotized me and sent me after your company.

I thought, if he gets the company, maybe I can get my father?

But I was sane when I killed your grandmother. When I saw what I did, my body went cold along with my heart. I didn't run away when the police arrived. I knew I deserved that.

Grandfather was disappointed in me and I lost the family I thought I got. Father would visit me, trying to bail me out. I thought he cared about me. But thinking about it now, he probably wanted to experiment something on me, since he had no test subjects or labs. Thank fully it never worked, he didn't have the money to bail me out. Years passed in the jail, XuanXuan and FengFeng would visit me. They would tell me how your life was going with Wang Yibo.

I was happy knowing you found your love.

A moment of carelessness and my father got to know about you again. One day during his visit, he told me that he has built a lab and was finally going to have you. I got scared. I yelled at the officers, told them what my father was going to do but they didn't believe me. They didn't even think of the possibility of 'what ifs'.

XuanXuan was my only hope. Weeks later, he came back and told me the whole sad news. I couldn't protect you. My father, performed his experiments on you but at least now he was dead.

Years later in the same old cell, I was visited by Wang Yibo. Before you misunderstand anything. There was nothing going on between us. He bailed me out for your sake. He knew you hated me, so he had to keep it a secret.

And the reason he bailed me out was to get a lead on my father. Yes, he was alive. I knew that because year later he came to visit me and I was the one who requested Yibo's presence. Although I never thought he would bail me out.

He swore to never let anything happen to you again and knowing my father, I knew he would not settle down until he had you in his grasp again. We didn't have any evidence against him as the whole lab was blown. We had to work from scratch. One of those days you caught us and you misunderstood us.

That day was one of the worst days, my father had finally found you. I struggled to keep him away while you two were bleeding to death. If it weren't for XuanXuan, I don't know what would have happen to you both.

I was taken into the asylum afterwards. Yes, I have gone insane. Knowing that you went into coma. Knowing that you lost your child. Knowing that my father was still alive and looking for you.

I blame myself for everything, ZhanZhan. If we hadn't met, your life would be at least a little bit peaceful. It becomes unbearable, sometimes. I get episodes where I am perfectly fine, but there are times when I just want everything to end.

I don't know if you will read it till the end or not. But I can hope you did. I am writing it when I still have some sanity left. And I want to apologize to you.

I'm sorry Xiao Zhan.

I truly am. I actually treasured our friendship; I could picture ourselves becoming best friends if things weren't like that. And I might even have gotten the place of Matron of honor at your and Wang Yibo's wedding.

I hope you can forgive Yibo too, he had suffered enough as it is.

See you in the next life ZhanZhan.

Your best friend

He Peng.

Lies!

Treacherous lies! Deceptive words! Not a single thing he believed in, was closest to truth. They knew everything while he knew nothing.

Deceived, hurt, enraged and feeling pathetic, all the emotions in him were taking a tasteless and colorless form.

Xiao Zhan put the letter in the drawer and locked it, he went to the kitchen and locked the door, he did the same with the bathroom door and tossed the keys away somewhere he couldn't find.

There was the sudden urge to do something.

And he couldn't trust himself anymore. His legs were already shaking, like a vibration has been put on.

Get rid of the what ifs. Get rid of the What ifs.

All the sessions he ever had with his psychiatrist, he tried to remember that, forced himself to not think. But the more he refrained himself the more his mind felt the rush.

Who was he going to blame now? Who was going to be on the other end of his outlet? If everyone was a victim of their own, who should he account responsible for all the things that has happened to him?

He paced back and forth, following the pattern of his quivering legs or was it his heart?

Unconsciously he begun to bite his lips and twist his fingers. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He needed to feel something else. He needed to let out whatever was inside.

It wasn't He Peng who should be apologizing, it should be him. He's the one who has been tainting people's life with his presence. Now he's dead too, like the rest.

Xiao Zhan put a finger in his mouth, deep enough till he gagged. Why didn't a thing come out? Irritated, disappointed and Frustrated, he tried again and again and again till he scratched his cavern.

He went to the kitchen and yanked the door. It wasn't opening. Why wasn't it opening? The trembling had traveled to his hands. He needed to stop it. The only thing he could find was the mini table on where he read the letter earlier.

Enraged, he lifted it up and smashed it to the floor. Not enough. The broken limbs were spread all over, he picked it up and smacked it against the floor. Not enough, not enough. He needed to calm down. He needed to stop before he did something stupid.

Yibo is suffering too? Yibo is hurting too? He can't find him! He shouldn't find him! What if the things he said turn out bitter than this? Or what if he kills him too, like everyone else? They didn't kill anyone. He did. He's the murderer!

His mind was flipping between rationality and madness. He went to the bathroom and tried to jerk open the door. Why was it lock? Infuriated, he begun to bang at the door, harder and louder with each passing second. He carried out for long till his palms grew white with the impact. He heard a different banging or were his ears ringing?

When the shivering didn't stop, Xiao Zhan begun to rub himself. Aggressively patting his limbs and body, before he knew it, he was scratching off his skin. The banging didn't stop. He tasted the iron in his mouth, he had already bit off his lips.

Not enough, not enough, not enough.

"Argg!!!!!!"

He launched his body straight to the wall, his shoulder's receiving the blow. Not satisfied, Xiao Zhan moved his head away and banged it to the wall.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

The room was spinning or was it his head?

The banging was replaced by one loud sound, Xiao Zhan could finally register that it was his door. He turned around and his eyes widened.

Has he gone utterly mad now? Is he hallucinating now? It is another lie, another nightmare?

He stumbled and fell but kept his eyes on the figure that had just broken down his door. Finally, he felt the tears in his eyes or was it blood?

He latched onto the figure as he cried,

"Yibo!!!"

-----------

Well...sorry?