{This chapter is influenced by Dr. Tracey Marks on Youtube.}

(Disclaimer: I am not a professional. Do not self-diagnose yourself with it. But do read this chapter with clear head.)

[Flashback: one month ago]

"Xiao Zhan! Please! don't take another step! Please! I beg you!"

But his mind had been so much clouded that he couldn't register the pain in that voice. It wasn't the betrayal that made him lose control but the fact everyone had been a victim of their own.

Why? He asked to no one. Why everyone had to suffer? He recalled the time when in school he used to hear accusations like 'he's the people killer. Whoever grows close to him, dies.'

Was he afraid of actually killing his loved ones or that the rumors might shape him?

He thought he was selfless, he thought he was doing them good. But no, at the core of concept, he had been selfish. Selfish from the very start. And it was this very realization that didn't set well with him. He felt like a lie – a lie to himself.

And that's why before they all realize it, he had to end it. Then maybe he could die without shame, knowing how wrongly others have assed him.

Fear? When he looked down through the window, his heart beat so rapidly that it burnt his chest. But the mould had already been formed. He kept that last thought and dived to forget it all.

"Zhan-ge!!!"

Everything stirred up at that moment when he found himself hanging in the air. Xiao Zhan looked up to see and he couldn't unsee. The fear those eyes carried; it told a whole new story.

"Let me go."

"No!!!"

The grip on his hand only tightened as if holding his own life in it. Xiao Zhan felt unimaginable urge to shed tears for that man; who had been embracing him all this time.

He thought he cared because he had to – it was his job. But looking at the man now, Xiao Zhan realized he had been wrong.

"Why are you doing this?" Why are you helping me this much?

"I can't lose you! Not again!" A droplet of that silver tears landed on Xiao Zhan. He was doing it again, wasn't he? Hurting the people around him. That tear slid down his cheek like his own.

Fear, dread, loss and pain. Wang Yibo had been trembling, his biggest fear, his biggest nightmare had finally formed a shape – having his life slip away from his grip. No! he didn't spend those years away from him just to lose him in the end.

"You want to live too, don't you?" He shouted in desperation. When death knocks at you, what you really want is to live once more.

"You want to have a family too, Don't you? Like they all have it!" His own weight felt heavy to him, Wang Yibo prayed to God to give him strength, vigor to pull through.

"You don't want to be different! You want to be able to do what they all do!!" He was already crying at this point. He spewed all the agony his heart translated. "You want to love, don't you?!" He cried,

"Please come back!"

Something about him resonated with Xiao Zhan. How great would it be, if he could really do it all? Xiao Zhan was stirred by his strong emotions that he held the edge of the window with his other hand and pulled himself up, from the window, from the endless pit.

Not a moment inside his apartment, he was engulfed in a tight embrace. How terrible the psychiatrist was crying while hugging him, he felt his trembling frame.

He didn't know, he was regarded this high for strangers to shed tears. Xiao Zhan was in a trance, the quivering embrace felt like a child that had been forced to shut out.

It felt too familiar, so much so that he couldn't ignore and Xiao Zhan raised his hand to comfort that shivering back.

"I'm sorry..."

And the tears that he couldn't shed, finally let go. The two cried like carrying their hearts on their sleeves. It was an embrace of warmth and relief.

. . .

[Unfurl your brows.

Unclench your jaws.

Let your shoulders drop.

And take a deep breath.

You did well, Sunshine.]

The white roof was so plain that Xiao Zhan had the urge to add colors to it. It was like he was seeing the mirror of emptiness where he had been nestling. But not anymore. The last step had taught him a lot of things and he had been pondering so much. This time, he asked himself. No matter the bitter answer he received, he decided to face it.

"Am I victimizing myself?" Xiao Zhan said out-loud.

"One way or another every human does that." Came a response to his unintentional question. Wang Yibo had not left his side, for a single moment. Even if he had to go to the bathroom, he made sure there was Dr. Lin Ran or a nurse with Xiao Zhan at least.

"But I don't think you do." He efficiently removed the seeds from tangerines. He looked more like a house wife than a psychiatrist and Xiao Zhan found that very cute.

"How?" he inquired.

"Answer my few questions." The psychiatrist said and Xiao Zhan nodded. Xiao Zhan adjusted himself. His head had a full bandage on, and he had dislocated his shoulder during the trigger.

"Is everything negative to you?" It goes without saying that negativity is the first thing that over shadow one's mind. But do you get the kind of negativity that make you so blind that you couldn't even see the black and blue.

"No." Xiao Zhan replied after some thought. He realized he had been negative about a lot of things, mostly the self-blame but despite that, he still had thoughts that made him appreciate life every now and then.

"Do you ask yourself why a lot?" Psychiatrist asked the next question. Sometimes when the hard times strike, we are in the pool of questions, asking where did everything go wrong? Why did everything go wrong? When it go wrong? And why it had to go wrong with me? Why not someone else? Why don't others have to feel the same way? Why can't they leave me alone?

"Yes."

"Do you ruminate over things a lot?" Times like when you have nothing to do, times when you try to sleep, times when you can't just focus on a thing. The mind plays with us, like a script had been playing over and over and over. It's tiring.

"Partially yes but mostly no." Just to avoid chewing the rod, Xiao Zhan had taken extra hours at work. To not think too much about reality and delusion, he had even taken many sleeping pills at a time.

"Do you think very highly of yourself?" Are you, your own critic or are you the person who spent times updating their status about the most mundane things of your life?

"No."

"Is your first emotion anger?" In case of Zhuocheng, he used his anger to cope up with his anxiety. The anger that results from bottled up emotions for long. But are you resentful that others did it better than you?

"No."

Wang Yibo smiled and revealed, "You are not victimizing yourself." He tried his best to keep the reassuring smile when he added, "What you have is the response of your C-PTSD."

Xiao Zhan visibly heaved a sigh of relief, having another disorder would be last thing he wanted. His Psychiatrist handed him the plate of seedless tangerines which he had peeled and he begun to happily munch on it.

"I do sometimes feel like, maybe I am doing it to myself purposely? Like there is nothing wrong with me, I'm just making everything up for attention."

Wang Yibo got up from his spot next to the cot and picked the file that had all records of Xiao Zhan's health, he answered.

"That is a feeling, not a disorder. With what happened, it's only natural you'd feel such emotions."

Xiao Zhan tilted his head adorably, his one cheek bloated with food he consumed. He looked so cute that it was so hard for Wang Yibo to keep himself from looking.

"English please."

Wang Yibo chuckled at that and he described, "Emotions and disorder are different things. Like Anxiety and Anxiety disorder, Depression and depressive disorder. The emotions you feel for a short period of time are your response to a certain incident that happened to you.

To put it simply, let's say that you were waiting for the next episode of Sponge bob but your TV stopped working the very minute. How would you feel after that?"

"I would be cranky for sure, might even cry a little." Xiao Zhan replied.

"That could be correct. That is your response to the incident. And if your emotions continue for weeks and even months, it would become one of the symptoms of a psychological disorder."

Xiao Zhan nodded his head aggressively. When Wang Yibo returned to his seat, he started jotting down things which was beyond Xiao Zhan to understand.

"My brain would fuse just having to read that." Xiao Zhan said pointing at the names of medicine which his psychiatrist was cutting or adding. He continued, "You must be a genius to remember all these."

Wang Yibo chuckled and revealed, "I am not a genius and between you and me, I don't like this much scientific stuff either. Sometimes I even wonder how did I even become a doctor?"

And both shared a laugh.

"So, how are you feeling after learning that you do not have Self Victimizing disorder? Are you feeling happy or are you feeling dejected?"

"Why would I feel dejected for not having a disorder?" Xiao Zhan immediately asked.

"That is another psychological term. When a person finds out that they do not have a disorder, they might feel invalidated. They feel that their pain is not enough to be registered in any disorder – mind you, they don't want to have a disorder. They just feel that their pain is not considered a pain."

Like they're told to suck it up, it's only something minor or in case of teenagers, 'just a phase of puberty'. And in opposite cases, some might feel relieved that their pain has a name to give.

"The purpose of diagnose is not to ruin somebody's self- esteem. It is just a determinantal factor whether it's something extremely serious for you to seek a professional's help or you can pull it off on your own being the strong individual you are."

"H-how would someone do it on their own?" Xiao Zhan asked hesitantly. He recalled being alone in the four walls and no matter how much he tried to distract himself or keep the positive outlet, things didn't go how he wanted. Was he not strong enough to do it own his own?

"In situations like these, there are few things which are needed to be done. The first thing would be knowing yourself."

Understanding where you come from and what caused it all. Sometimes there is a clear answer, sometimes it's just a blur. And if you find no end to your questions, meditate.

Attentional meditation allows a person to focus on their thoughts. If they understand what they are, they'll figure out what they did wrong. And that would give them a better approach to make a decision in the future.

"Next step would be to work on your self-confidence. When people are too strict on themselves, either how they were raised or in which environment they studied, people tend to lose their self-worth. Like they're not good enough. In situation likes these, our mind had been set on few values since a very tender age.

What we need to do is, reset those values. We need to train our brain from zero again and appreciate all the little achievements we do along the way."

Have no fear of perfection, you will never reach it.

Xiao Zhan was done munching on tangerines and automatically Wang Yibo handed him the wipes to clean his hands. Xiao Zhan accepted with a tiny bow and wiped his hands.

"Get a closure on your past hurt." Psychiatrist added. It involves forgiving someone. The first thing that came to his mind was He Peng. How could he get a closure when the person involved was no longer there?

And the other person was Wang Zhuocheng. They might say they have moved on but one of them was bound to get hurt again unless they laid down their feelings bare. That was something Xiao Zhan could do.

"Take ownership of your decisions. You can not control your circumstances but you can control your response to them."

No one can make you feel a certain way without you allowing it. Get rid of the friends if they make you feel more vulnerable than you already are. Even if they're the only ones you have. And once you're in a better state of mind, decide who should stay in your life and who should not. Until you're better, set an emotional distance if its family or parents.

"And lastly, have open doors."

Open your eyes, when the room is too dark.

Open you mind, when the roads are blocked.

Open you heart, when the clouds are clogged.

Humans are built to feel emotions. No matter how extreme they are, it's your right to feel them. So, don't exclude yourself just because you are more sensitive to something than most. Or you get angry more easily than others. Or you smile like a lunatic all the time.

Those are your emotions, your sign of life.

Xiao Zhan listened to everything his psychiatrist said. He lied down and closed his eyes to let everything sink it. Listening and actually practicing were two different things. But the fact, he tried to understand was a step on its own. And like his psychiatrist said, he was going to appreciate the effort he took. Even if it's a small one. Only he knew how big it was for him.

"Thank you." Xiao Zhan whispered.

"Hm?"

"For helping me." Xiao Zhan appreciated.

"Xiao Zhan. I'm just showing you the path. You're walking on it on your own. You're helping you."

Xiao Zhan smiled, his eyes still closed and allowed the psychiatrist voice to sooth him till he could drift to sleep. Ever since his trigger, Xiao Zhan felt he had grown closer to the psychiatrist. The doubts he had before, he decided to not make them matter, because its his choice and he could do it.

[Flashback ends]

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Sorry for errors and thank you for reading.

Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it – Salvador Dali