[Inspired by Kelly Lyn on TedEX]

"You come here often?"

He walked so cautiously, treading with soft steps. Afraid to hurt the person, sleeping for eternity.

"Ah? ZhanZhan!" He wiped his tears clean and gave a welcoming smile. "You came to meet him." His happiness dominated the pain in his eyes.

"I'm not alone." Xiao Zhan smiled back and gestured towards the stoic person just behind him.

"Yibo!!!" For some reason, Hao Xuan was more surprised to see him there.

"Mn." He simply nodded. Having been used to it, Hao Xuan shook his head in expecting smile.

"Ah, You can put the flowers here." Hao Xuan guided them to their friend's grave. Judging from how well kept the grave was, Xiao Zhan could confirm that Hao Xuan visited him often. His eyes lingered on the name – He Peng. He requested hesitantly,

"Can I get some time with PengPeng...?"

"Ah! Of course! Of course! Take all the time you need." Hao Xuan said and dragged the reluctant Yibo with him.

They walked past the trees and stayed as far as possible to give Xiao Zhan full privacy that he needed. The cricket lisped against the tall grass while the sun shone above their heads. For a while, it was silence between the two. Eventually, Hao Xuan asked,

"Sooo, you guys are back again?"

Wang Yibo recalled the kiss they shared several hours ago in the airport. Xiao Zhan pretended to sleep in the plane because he got embarrassed afterwards. The corner of his lip turned up slightly, he touched his lips.

Was it real? He planned to kiss Xiao Zhan again to confirm that theory.

"Mn. We are together." His face was passive, but his voice gave away the joy he felt.

"Finally!!!" Hao Xuan gave him a taut squeeze. Which Wang Yibo returned with deadly tight hug.

"Urg! Okay! Okay! I won't do it again! Let go! Let go!" Hao Xuan escaped from the death grip.

"How's Feng?" Wang Yibo initiated. Despite how much he wanted to kill Hao Xuan, he didn't plan to go friendless so soon. So, he spared him. For now.

"Tsk. That bastard has been on his honeymoon for 3 years already. Who's he flaunting to? I have a girlfriend too." Hao Xuan complained openly about their ghost friend. He had left them all, cutting his ties with everyone. Did he choose the easy way out?

"How are things with your girlfriend?"

His ears turned red and he scratched his cheeks with his forefinger, hesitantly he revealed,

"Actually, we're going to have a baby now – she's pregnant."

Hao Xuan didn't know if the topic of the child was okay to bring up, he too wished to relay the happiest news of his life with pride and joy. He could pray at least, by the time his child is born, he could celebrate the full month with his friends without feeling guilty.

"Congratulations! Would you hold the wedding?" Although his face said otherwise, Wang Yibo was genuinely happy for his friend. Hao Xuan had saved him and Xiao Zhan time and time again, he had put himself to risk for their sakes, now he deserved a colorful life too.

"Good thing you mentioned, I was going to ask for your advice. When should we hold the wedding, before or after baby's birth?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"...aren't you a doctor?"

"Do I give you the impression of a gynecologist?" Wang Yibo asked with his impassive face.

"..."

"Yeah, I wouldn't want my baby's first sight be a stone-faced, grumpy man either." 

"..."

"..."

Thus, Wang Yibo added another reason why he want to kill Hao Xuan.

"What wedding?"

The two turned around and met with the curious bubbly eyes. The stoic face melted so quickly, and Hao Xuan smirked seeing how the stoic lion turns into a pig.

"Are you done?" Wang Yibo asked, almost gluing himself to elder.

"Yeah. But who is getting married?" Xiao Zhan casted another inquisitive glance at the two. Hao Xuan was very hesitant. Saying to Wang Yibo was different, totally different. Was it okay to be happy when others weren't?

"He's having a baby so he asked me when he should marry, before or after baby's birth." Wang Yibo relayed.

"Why are you asking him? He's not a gynecologist." Xiao Zhan countered.

"That's exactly what I said." Wang Yibo hummed.

"Would I be invited?" Xiao Zhan asked in a matter of fact way. It surprised the two. They thought he didn't want to have any relationship with any of them, but if he was initiating it, if he was taking steps to mend things, they would respect it, they would honor his decision.

Hao Xuan on the other hand was so relived, so very relieved that he almost hugged him but refrained himself and simply nodded.

"Of course! You would be the chief guest! You can be matron of honor if you want to! You can become anything as long as you come!"

The atmosphere turned gleeful.

"How far is your girlfriend?"

"6 weeks."

"Oh? How often is she nauseated?"

"Ah, she mostly has morning-sickness."

"For morning sickness give her ginger tea, it works. Is she taking prenatal supplements?"

"Not any that I know of."

"That's not good, let me suggest you few but do visit a doctor first."

As they continued to talk, a foreign feeling governed over Wang Yibo. The realization shaped its form – He wasn't there. He wasn't there with Xiao Zhan when he had to live through it all, learn it, experience it on his own.

Wang Yibo felt that he had missed a great part of Xiao Zhan's life. He was there in his life, but he wasn't there for him. 

He felt like the negative frames of a single film.

"Yibo? You okay dude?"

"Ah?" He was lost in thoughts, adrift from the recollections of long-lost days that he didn't notice when their alien conversation came to a stop.

"Yibo?" Xiao Zhan looked at him with his worried eyes and instantly Wang Yibo pushed back all the thoughts and gave him a mild smile.

"Shall we go back?"

Hao Xuan and Xiao Zhan exchanged a glance. He replied,

"Okay, let's go."

The couple bid farewell to Hao Xuan and hailed the taxi back to the airport.

. . .

Could a fish of sea survive in a pond?

Inside the 1st class ride of the plane, why the walls felt so low? Both of them felt their hearts shift, subconsciously to a mutual feeling they could not name yet. There was absence of some sort, like a sprout with no one to water.

From Changchun to Chonqging, the 4 hours passed like they were 40. And before the last of the sand grains would lose and fall. Xiao Zhan finally called,

"Yibo, is everything alright?"

"Mnhm. Why?"

Xiao Zhan took a gander at the person beside, ever since they visited He Peng, he had been spacing out. Not even registering what had been happening around him. It worried Xiao Zhan.

"You seemed out of it."

"Ah! Sorry! I am probably just tired." Taking two flights in a day was hectic, so it was understandable. Xiao Zhan decided to leave him be and not question him further. But he begun to worry, how would he behave in front of Yue's grave?

Is a past worth visiting when it's all just a huddle of stinging pain?

"So, what did you talk to He Peng?" Wang Yibo asked. Being a psychiatrist, he deducted that Xiao Zhan was holding back on something.

Xiao Zhan glanced at Wang Yibo and then to the necklace, he usually wore in his hand. He narrated.

[Flashback]

"PengPeng... I came."

Xiao Zhan squatted next to the tomb. He saw few ants marching in a row, crawling on the concrete grave. His line of sight followed their beeline and saw it connected to the grave right next to it.

"Uncle Qing killed himself in the court. He took his life – just like you."

The other tomb was clean as well, though from the color of the cement, one could guess it was newly built.

"He was a horrible person." Xiao Zhan confessed. His eyes traced the words inscribed on it.

"But the words he spoke, it was the only truth I heard in so long."

Blank does not absorb black.

"You always wanted to have your father. You always tried your absolute best to gain his attention. But you end up loosing yourself in the process."

How much worth your life is, when you don't take the ownership yourself?

"I've been thinking a lot. About a lot of things, had many 'what ifs'. But the more I thought, the more I realized that life – it should be lived."

If you don't like the hand that fate dealt you with, fight for a new one.

When the fate tests you too much, know that its because God loves you. No books could grant you wisdom, the things are truly learnt when you experience it.

"You're Xiao Zhan, right?" An elderly voice from behind startled Xiao Zhan. He immediately got up and followed the source. He bowed his head in greeting as he recognized who the person was.

"Dr. Zhang Bin."

"So, you know me?" Zhang Bin gave a slight smile and came forth.

"Yes, Ziyi Jie would often talk about you." Xiao Zhan answered in the similar calm voice.

"Ah, A-Zi? Can I assume she remembered me with questionable words?" Zhang Bin inquired in teasing tone.

"Not at all. Whenever she mentioned her family, she always had a big smile on her face." Xiao Zhan relayed honestly.

Zhang Bin hummed hearing that. He added, "When she was little. She was really wild. She would beat up bunch of big kids in school when they bullied A-Rong – he's her cousin."

Xiao Zhan nodded his head; he could vividly see that happening.

"She had always been protective of people she loves especially after losing her parents. Raising an infant on her own, it made her exceptionally strong. She didn't even shed a tear when I cut ties with her right after she came out as invert. She simply packed her luggage and took 7 years old A-Yu with her and fled to Jiujiang."

Xiao Zhan had known Meng Ziyi for nearly a decade. He had seen her show various sides – her happy side, her angry face, her over the top annoying side but the one that stuck with him the most was her 'in love' side.

If understood deeply, love could be the finest guide. It makes a whole new you. which version you make, is upto you.

"I saw her in the court after years...she looks exactly like her mother when she was young." Zhang Bin said with a smile, that couldn't even reach his eyes.

Appreciate everything around you, before the moment becomes a memory.

"Don't you want to be a family again?" Xiao Zhan asked. His eyes never left the two graves in front of it. The father and son, they were burred feet apart. What if this life really is the only chance? Should the dice be thrown so carelessly?

Zhang Bin considered his words, he too looked at the graves at front.

"I'm afraid she wouldn't want to be a family now."

"Did she say that?" Xiao Zhan dared to inquire. Zhang Bin was not expecting a question thrown at him, nonetheless he replied,

"Some things don't need to be said."

"You're wrong! You're very wrong. All things are needed to be said. All feelings are necessary to express. It's precisely because we don't say we raise misunderstandings – those were the last words PengPeng taught me."

Things start small, for better or worst like the seed we sow. And the kind of deed we plant, is the kind of tree we will get.

"Ziyi-Jie is still alive. You are still breathing. Don't become another tragedy buried in the ground."

[Flashback ends]

As Xiao Zhan narrated, both realized the weight of his words. They couldn't go on throwing empty words in the air. It is as important to follow them through as it is to understand them.

Realizing his mistake, Wang Yibo came forth,

"Zhan-ge... I am aware that Yue is...she's no longer with us. But she was once here – with you. She was once breathing too...I am scared to lose even the memories of her, I created on my own."

"I'm afraid too, Yibo. I recognize your dread so much that it almost hurts."

That was the moment, when the Plethora of sorrow and fear connected the two equally.

. . .

"Dada."

A silent droplet fell on the nameless grave. The empty domain was enriched with bouquets of Daisies, which Xiao Zhan bought. While Wang Yibo carried three roses – Red, Orange and white.

Those colors seemed to shake in his hand, when he found it hard to control his tears.

"Yue..."

玥 Yuè

A pearl that shone like the moon and the priceless gem of their love.

Wang Yibo was painfully aware of the reality of his world. The gospel he saw was a beautiful deceit, like a bubble that pops out a moment after it's flight.

But isn't that what humans do? We love the lies more than the truth.

"Baba!" She smiled with her bunny teeth, pointing at the finger in front of her. The daisies fluttered with the gale of wind; their fragrance amalgamated with the memories of the rain.

"Is she here?" Xiao Zhan asked feeling a surge of warmth in the cold plight. But when he saw the younger biting his lips, pressing them hard so he won't break down, his heart begun to waver.

He was doing it again, wasn't he?

Don't claim to know what's best for them, when you don't even know what's best for you.

One thing which Xiao Zhan had learnt through his therapies was the ability to recognize his mistakes. He used to think things from a single perspective, narrating a story as he had seen but now, he learnt to put himself in a narrative that spoke a language they all understood. So, he braved on and decided to do the next right thing.

The dialect of love is learning and embracing while walking hand in hand through life.

"Is Yue here?" His almond eyes shone gazing at the younger. As if, he was asking for permission since the beginning, Wang Yibo felt his heart broke all the shackles, and his eyes flowed all the closed-up emotions.

"Mn." He nodded. He pointed at his finger towards the nameless grave; which nothing but daisies claimed. Xiao Zhan's heart thumped many miles a beat. He crotched down next to the untitled tomb and caressed the tablet stone.

"Yue." He smiled. "I fulfilled my promise – I brought your father with me." He traced his hands at the date which marked her funeral. He wasn't present for her when she came to life and he wasn't there when she died.

"How does she look like?"

How does the jewel of their endearment look like?

"She has your eyes." He begun, he wiped his tears and reached out to the bliss in his life. Yue jumped and giggled, too excited to see her parents. She leaned into his touch and beamed.

"And she has your smile." Wang Yibo followed.

Xiao Zhan brought his hand exactly where Yibo had, tried to hold the jewel, feel the warmth of that blooming moon.

We learn happiness through pain, we know worth through loss.

He was welcomed by shreds of desolation. A devastation of life-long loss and grief. She was their first child.

All of the sudden, he found himself in the intimidating blue. A wide sky above and an ocean beneath. In the vastness of this hue, he felt the waves pulling his feet.

Greif is a fear – A fear of losing yourself.

Xiao Zhan looked down, to the ripples of that blue that painted him real. Where does he stand in the world? He couldn't even see his feet. How would he know the way when he couldn't even see the path?

You need to move on.

All of his life, Xiao Zhan has lost more than what he could count, more than what could be forgotten, more than what he could collect.

There came a time, when the blackened part of his heart, wished that they could feel his pain, listen to his cries and NOT tell him that it's okay.

Because it was never okay.

It was never okay. He was never okay. His friends at school told him to stop mourning over his parents, they told him, they would not rest in peace if he grieved for them. They told him to get over it.

Nyle Feng told him, that it was not healthy to dwell on the loss. He said it with good intentions, he really did.

But was it healthy to keep it in and not breath a word about it afterwards, in fear of being shunned by the people? Because for better or worse, they did leave him. No matter the justification, it only reaffirmed his beliefs of never coming out.

I'm there for you.

He lost the faith to even question that authenticity, no matter how close other person was to him.

You can talk to me anytime.

Those are the phrases born out of ignorance of the society for centuries. They didn't know what else to say, nobody taught them what else to say. What should they even say in time like those?

You're too tired to be with.

He stopped listening. He stopped living.

Xiao Zhan was still looking down, to the disformed stranger staring right at him.

"Let's face it, you're just running away. You knew you would never be able to move on, so, you decided to drag him with you, didn't you?" the nemesis in the water mocked.

There was a sharp ray of sun that kissed his cheeks, Xiao Zhan looked up to the clear sky and replied.

"You're right. I would never move on."

The bright little Venus was flaunting it's glory, it wasn't even it's time to shine. He smiled,

"I don't need to move on. I would not allow myself to move on."

The last straw was Wang Yibo. It was his loss, that washed away all the colors of his life. And it was Wang Yibo again, who let the rain of colors sprinkle on him.

So, he would live with it, the cherished memories he could seldomly remember. He would grow with them and keep them alive till his last breath.

People truly die when they are forgotten.

Xiao Zhan looked down and gazed right at the nemesis, he replied,

"You need to move on."

Love grows only more love.

"Can she hear me?" Xiao Zhan asked clutching the bigger hand more firmly. It was the moment when he truly could be with his family.

"Mn. She's calling you Baba." Wang Yibo replied. He put Xiao Zhan's hand right on those chubby cheeks and Yue smiled like the daisies.

Baba. What a wonderful accolade. His other hand unconsciously gripped his stomach where once he held her close, inside of him, protected her.

"Yue, how have you been?" He breathed.

"She said, she missed you." He whispered back.

"I missed you too, Yue. I'm sorry I kept you waiting for long."

"She said she doesn't mind, as long as she gets to see us more often."

"Mn. I promise! I swear I will visit you more often."

"She's smiling and nodding."

"C-can I hold her?"

"Yue." Wang Yibo opened his arms and the little dandelion flew into his arms. Even in the hallucination, Xiao Zhan wished to see the moment, how tender Wang Yibo had been with their daughter.

Xiao Zhan went up to him and hugged his beloveds.

Under the caress of their beating hearts, they encompassed their entire beings, engulfed in the merry embrace that impaled the walls of their insecurities.

This is family.

"Yue, let's go home."

. . .

The wind was moist, securing drops from the rain that had been falling lately. The winter would knock at the doors soon, till then the autumn leaves didn't disappoint with their warm orange shades.

The couple walked through the Chongqing streets, seldom stealing glances through the reflection of water that formed silent puddles. And when their eyes would meet, the two would look away hiding tints on their cheeks.

The path was empty with the serene breeze and after scratching his red cheeks for long, Wang Yibo braced and meekly slipped his hand into the elder's.

It ignited a spark of joy in Xiao Zhan and he accepted the bigger hand, held it tight.

A big autumn leave fell on the puddle that blurred their reflection as they moved past.

. . .

"Why are you still holding those roses? I thought you got them for Yue?" Xiao Zhan questioned. They were on their way to the Wei Mansion; where Xiao Zhan had made memories of his childhood.

"It's a secret between me and Yue." Wang Yibo teased. Xiao Zhan looked at him in disbelief and countered,

"Lao Wang, you really don't learn, do you?"

"Lao Xiao, can't you be patient and wait for it?"

"Lao Wang, is it starting?"

"Lao Xian, it had started."

The two continued to bicker all the way till their destination.

No need to gaze upon the stars, when you can make your own galaxy.

. . .

They thought the peitra roof could not get any more insufferable than it already was. But no, they were proved wrong. Each and every one of the employees were running around the office, dialing number after number while loosing shades of color to their faces.

"WHY HAS IT NOT BEEN TAKEN DOWN YET?!"

Anger was underrated word to describe the rage he was feeling. A moment of carelessness havocked a storm he knew he couldn't handle. Things were supposed to go better, in the right direction, but why do all plans fail and so miserably at that?

"A-Zhan must not see it!" Zhang Zing Tong had a different version of anger. The kind that would give you nightmares for eternity. She wasn't the type to let her emotions show in the work place, but the damage was just too great.

There was a headline on the China News,

"Science has cleared ways for LGBTQ couples. THE GAY GUY GAVE BIRTH TO A GIRL."

And the blizzard was always cold.

-------

Extremely sorry for late update and errors.

If you don't like the hand that fate dealt you with, fight for a new one - Naruto 

Appreciate everything around you, before the moment becomes a memory - Jiraya

Thank you for reading.