[Inspired by Psychiatrist Guy Winch]

2 Months later

The orange hue of the fire was soothing the pale blue fingers; that has been exposed to the cruelty of the winter. The white marbled wall was the support of that hunched back. His eyes were closed, like the cloak of the darkness in the empty hallway.

"You should rest now."

a gentle voice resonated in attempt to pacify. It was the only voice aside from the sound of machines that were beeping close by.

"Jiejie..." His voice was hoarse, dry like the crushed stone.

"Why are you still here? It's not good for the baby."

His oracles were still shut, refusing to see the 2 months pregnant women. But the bearer of new life had other plans. She sat right next to him and placed her equally cold hands over his.

"A-Xian, I won't leave without you."

He finally opened his eyes. And the tired orbs glanced at the door in front. It was the immediate light, right after the veil of murk. His eyes lingered on for a while, reading the name over and over again, wishing to erase it.

But the voices don't reach the deaf ears.

After a moment or so, he tore away his gaze from the silent door and looked at the small, fragile hand on top of his. He breathed,

"I won't leave without him."

And the hours ticked away another cold night.

. . .

The day brought another hope, another aspiration to look for good in the shadow of the clouds. To search for the light that doesn't exist.

Xiao Zhan entered the same mute room, the colorless pigments that carried only weight. But the contradiction could not be reconciled, as it was the only place where he could smile the most.

"Happy Anniversary." Xiao Zhan greeted, bringing forth the white, yellow and red rose. He placed it in a glass next to the 3 sets of similar colored roses that were tied by the two necklaces and preserved in the resin.

The white, yellow and red created a spring of love which Wang Yue left behind for them to bloom.

Xiao Zhan sat down to the chair next to his beloved and held the pale cold hands.

"Just for today, wear this." He slid the ring, into the ring finger which matched the one he owned. The intricate stones gleamed against those fair fingers, shining like the fireflies in the night.

Beep

Beep

Beep

Those ringing sound reminded him of the reality he was in now. The sea of life, rode a high tide, too high till they collapsed and washed away from the shore.

The memories from two months ago felt so distant that he didn't desire to recall them, but it kept coming back, like the poles of magnet that know how to attract. If the grains of sand hadn't vanished yet, he recalled they just visited Wang Yue's grave and were headed to the Wei Mansion.

Xiao Zhan was excited, thrilled to show his fiancé the place he grew up in. But their visit was nothing how he foresaw. The screams are still fresh in his ears when he stepped on the porch to surprise his family.

The sharp shrill cry of his cousin – Chen Zhuo Xuan – startled them. Even the gift he bought for her birthday slipped from his hand and broke.

If Xiao Zhan would close his eyes, he could still see the tear-filled terrified, disgusted expression on her face.

You're not normal! She shouted.

You're sick. Resonated.

If Wang Yibo wasn't by his side, he was sure that he won't be able to handle the surge of pain he felt at that time. Song Jiyang dragged hysterical Chen Zhuo Xuan away while Li Bowen kept apologizing, bowing like a mechanical doll.

What had happened that caused his beloved sister to behave this way? Did she not like him anymore?

No, Xiao Zhan didn't want to conclude, he didn't want to have a reason to fall back, so he marched ahead.

XuanXuan...

I hate you!

It hit him like the thunder on a rainy day. Xiao Zhan was so much in a daze that he didn't even realize when Wang Yibo pulled him out of the mansion. Li Bowen accompanied them, apologizing without a breath. But what really impacted the fissure of his glass heart was the reminder that Li Bowen gave him.

Your body is different A-Zhan.

If he could elaborate the sensation he felt at that moment, he would define it with a big bell ringing right next to his ears, waking up his dormant fears. How different was his body? That he didn't have a kidney? Or that he no longer knew which line to walk on? He could no longer define himself between the two major categories. Then what is the place called, where he currently stand on?

Ugly. A single word out of their mouth and a person would spend a whole lifetime trying to change it.

Li Bowen offered to pay for them to stay in the hotel, but Wang Yibo didn't let him, and they parted ways.

I'm sorry!

Was the last word he said before he went back to the Wei Mansion. In the maze of confusion, Xiao Zhan was lost in thoughts.

There was a headline about him on the news.

It was played for brief amount of 15 seconds but something so bizarre doesn't take much time to spread around the world.

Now the whole world know of Wang Yue. Their precious pearl.

Wang Zhucheng and Zhang Jing Tong did their best for the damage control. They could remove the pieces of evidence but not the memories of the people and hatred of the society.

"Good Morning Mr. Xiao." The nurse woke him up from the stupor of the past.

"Ah! Good Morning." Xiao Zhan got up and greeted.

"Mr. Xiao, Doctor Yu Feng is coming for a check-up please wait outside." The nurse was middle aged woman, her voice was calm and reassuring. Xiao Zhan bowed his head and stepped out.

In the waiting area, Xiao Zhan saw the progression of the day. How doctors rush from one room to another. How patients come and go and how family members cry in despair.

Some fear death while some pray for death. But why do we all cry when it's a fate we all share?

The more you love someone, the deeper the stamp is.

"A-Zhan!"

A sturdy voice embraced his ears.

"Bowen Shushu!" Xiao Zhan got up and greeted his uncle. "You're early today."

"A-Zhan. How are you? Are doctors inside?"

The two of them sat on the empty chairs in the waiting room.

"Yes, they are checking on him. What did you bring me today?" Xiao Zhan asked excitedly.

"I don't know what it is. Jiyang didn't let me have a peek."

"Oh? Should I be scared then?"

"Not more than me."

And they both shared a mild laugh. Pleasant silence dawned on them. If it were summer, the sun would be on peak in few hours.

"A-Zhan, I completed the file." Li Bowen called for his attention.

"Already?"

"You still need to have a look at it, so I can finalize it." Li Bowen gave him the yellow covered file.

"I see. I will read it tonight and return to you tomorrow." Xiao Zhan took the file and skimmed over it.

"Y-You can come back home." Li Bowen lowered his gaze, as if apologizing through his eyes. Xiao Zhan stared at the title of the big file.

Wang Yue

The euphoria of spring would come, even if the storm is neck high, even if the blizzard is a wall, even if all dreams are nightmares. That was his vow now.

He glanced at the ring in his finger and smiled,

"My home is right here – it's him."

Li Bowen nodded his head and in silence left him in peace. He was about to open the yellow file again, but he spotted the doctors coming out of the room.

"Doctor! How's he?" Xiao Zhan got up almost instantly. His almond orbs searched for answers. The two doctors exchanged a glance and finally the senior doctor bring forth his hand to give something to Xiao Zhan. Xiao Zhan received the little jewel.

"Mr. Xiao, I have said it many times, do not put the ringer or any form of accessory on your husband. These things are sharp and can cause abrasion." The doctor scolded.

Xiao Zhan lowered his head, he whispered,

"But today is our one-month anniversary..."

The senior doctor put his hand on Xiao Zhan's shoulder, gesturing him to look up. With a smile he said,

"Mr. Xiao, would you accompany me to my office?"

Xiao Zhan nodded and followed the senior doctor into his office.

The office was plain and white, with two green plants placed at the corner. There were some anatomical charts pasted on the board. As compared to the corridor, it was warm and cozy.

"Have a seat Mr. Xiao."

The senior doctor signaled him to sit.

"Doctor Yu Feng, how is Yibo now?" Xiao Zhan blurted out anxiously.

Doctor Li Yu Feng scanned some files on his computer. A paper from here and there till it became a thick file. He handed the green covered file to Xiao Zhan.

"Doctor Yu Feng, even if you give me the files, I can't really understand these. Tell me, is Yibo alright? When will he wake up again?"

Li Yu Feng was silent for a while, calculating the words he was going to phrase. The more time, he took, the more his heart raced. Xiao Zhan clutched to the both rings in his hand, he told himself to search for the good news, reflect positivity but the upright news didn't come.

"Mr. Xiao, we might need to perform another surgery."

And the rings fell from his hand, rolling on the colorless floor.

. . .

Around noon, Xiao Zhan entered the room with his beloved in it. His eyes were swollen red while his nose was stuffy. But the moment his eyes fell upon his husband, a big smile formed on his lips.

"Yibo. I am back." He greeted without a response. Neatly he placed both the Yellow and green files over the shelf.

"Jiyang Shushu made something suspicious today. Can you guess what it is?"

He pulled out the lunch box from the bag. He wanted to shake it but decided otherwise. What if it was something like a gravy? He wouldn't want to spill it.

He opened the lid and the aroma of warm chilies and spice pervaded the air.

Wonton soup.

The boat shaped dumplings – Wang Yibo wanted to taste them. He said he missed Xiao Zhan's hand cooked meals, he wanted to live together again.

Certainty is not lasting.

Just few weeks ago, Xiao Zhan was strolling the streets, telling Wang Yibo about the mischiefs he did when he was little. And Wang Yibo hummed to his every story, adding his own little remarks like how glitters add to the gold.

[Flashback]

"I think I used to hide here." Xiao Zhan skipped his steps to walk on the low ledge. With each step, the wind of memories passed by him. Some he could grasp while others he couldn't perceive.

"Really? Why did you need to hide?" Wang Yibo asked. The memories that his beloved couldn't perceive, he wanted to collect them, embrace them for the both.

What the one let go, the other must hold on. What one can't bear other must embrace. They have meaning as a whole and empty without the other core.

"Don't tell anyone but whenever it was bathing time, me and Jiyang Shushu would always run away and mom would have to chase after our naked butts."

Wang Yibo laughed. He could picture the little Zhan shaking his little bum bum just to trigger his mother even more.

"How old were you back then?"

"I think maybe 3?"

"Oh? Then Song Jiyang was 10?

"9. He was born on the day when grandfather passed away. My mom was in high school back then and you wouldn't believe it but after reading an article that guys like to date girls who look cute with babies, my mom demanded a sibling from Grandma." Xiao Zhan smiled gleefully. The idea was so ridiculous but at the same time so cute.

"My mom was really stubborn, she only stopped when Jiyang Shushu was really born. But since my grandma was already near menopause, it was a hard delivery and Jiyang Shushu had to be contained in the glass for few months." His eyes translated the pain they must have felt.

"Grandma told me, that it was a time when my mom matured. Grandfather's death and seeing her baby brother in hospital most of the time, she realized that she could no longer be the baby of the house. He knew he had to grow up and look after the family and she endeavored it for us."

Everyone has a past – Everyone creates a future.

"She sounds wonderful." Wang Yibo commented. She reminded him of Xiao Zhan a lot. He had a brief encounter with her on the stormy night. She protected Xiao Zhan till her last breath.

"How did she meet your father?" Wang Yibo inquired.

"That I don't recall. But let's ask Jiyang Shushu later on." Xiao Zhan gave his bunny smile and pulled Wang Yibo ahead. The two walked hand in hand like the tangled branches of the far-flung timber.

The more harsh a land is, the stronger the tree grows.

[Flashback ends]

"Mr. Xiao! Are you alright?" The elderly nurse arrived to sooth him. Xiao Zhan wiped off his tears in attempt to smile, but the tears shed under the sea, hurt so much more.

"I heard from Doctor Yu Feng...about your husband's surgery. The chances of success are 50-50 but no matter what the outcome is, please know that it would be for the best."

Her voice was so reassuring then why did it bring him more pain?

He had heard the doctor the saying, if Wang Yibo didn't survive, think of it as the God's will.

Weren't they supposed to protect them? Save them? Why were they talking about fate and will?

That moment, Xiao Zhan could see himself in the shoes of Zi Teng Huang. Did he feel like this? The unbearable weight of countless knots right on his heart?

When your heart is broken, the same instincts that you rely on, will lead you to a path that will tie you down.

And the bottom has no end.

"It's so lonely without you...come back!" It was the blood of his heart that his eyes shed.

. . .

[Few days later]

The  Jorden Nike shoes stepped on the threshold of the land of fairies, the flowers were rich and colorful. Their fragrance was like the pixie dust, unfurled over the clouds.

The man walked in with a smile on his face and a freshly picked peony in his pocket.

"Hao Xuan." He addressed the host dressed in all white. The owner of that name turned around and his eyes bulged open. Before the second could pass, he jumped straight into the person's arm and greeted.

"ZhanZhan!"

Xiao Zhan stumbled a little but quickly propped up.

"Congratulations on your wedding." Xiao Zhan wished him with elation, exactly how he deserved.

"I thought you would not come!" The relief and happiness were so evident in his voice that Xiao Zhan was glad that he didn't rob it away.

"I promised to come, didn't I? I plan to keep all of my promises now." Xiao Zhan revealed.

"How's Qi Nuo?" he asked. Hao Xuan broke the hug and pointed at the room near the gateway.

"She's beautiful like always. But they are keeping her so far from me, I can't even get a glimpse of her." Hao Xuan pouted.

The couple planned the wedding after careful and thorough rounds of discussion with the doctor. Feng Qi Nuo successfully completed three months of pregnancy and chances of miscarriage significantly dropped down afterwards. To avoid further complications, they decided to wed in the western style instead of Chinese traditional wedding. So, all the festivity would be over in less than a day.

"Be patient and your love will come." Xiao Zhan said with sweet smile.

The hands clapped, the cake was cut and blessings were bestowed merrily. Xiao Zhan chose to carry his slice of cake and sit by the fountain. He witnessed the happy smiles and bubbly hearts.

If the color of sorrow is black, then what is the color of Happiness?

Xiao Zhan had his gaze pivoted around their rings that he failed to notice when a figure came and sat next to him silently.

"I never thought I would see you here." The grim voice called for his attention. He didn't recognize the person at first but once he addressed him as 'ZhanZhan' Xiao Zhan knew instantly who it was.

"FengFeng?"

"You still remember me...after the things I did to you, guess it makes sense." Nyle Feng said with expressionless face, even his voice sounded so isolated.

"I don't have the face to apologize to you, but this is the last time I am here in China. I heard about Yibo...would he survive?"

"Of course, he will!" Xiao Zhan almost snapped then calmed himself down. Fights are not win with rage, he remined himself.

Nyle Feng had his face down, staring at the floor maybe at the flower blooming near. He revealed,

"I have a daughter. She has just started to walk." He bent down to grab something and plucked a clover leave. A 4 petaled clover.

"When she fell after her first few steps, my Heart felt tight and fragile." He stared at the clover with his empty gaze and continued,

"I immediately held her in my arms and without even knowing I was crying so bitterly." He let out a dry laugh, "I scared both my wife and daughter. When my wife asked me why I was crying, I told her

I don't want my daughter to suffer like Xiao Zhan."

He ignored her words when she kept demanding who was Xiao Zhan. But Nyle Feng only vowed, promised her that he would keep them safe from everything. If he must then even from himself.

"The things I did to you, they still haunt me. I didn't run away from China to run away from my past. I don't want my family to suffer for the consequences of my sowed seeds."

He won't apologize so he would suffer. That was the punishment he decided for himself.

"Whatever you've been put through, there must be a reason behind it But A reason like that, I hope my daughter doesn't have to look for it."

There's a hidden logic to the seeming chaos.

He left as discreetly as he came, leaving the clover neatly on his seat.

His life was a paper boat, stubborn to drown but coward to move on.

. . .

In the quiet of an old neighborhood, there was building high as sky. The cold bricks felt wet like river rocks. The fog was wetting the bare dirt.

"Here's your coffee." In the chilly sea of winter, a cozy sound heeded for call.

"Thank you." The elder of the two received the warm cup and let his cold hands absorb the heat.

"Aren't you drinking, A-Zhan?" the elder asked scanning him up and down.

"I am. I am." Xiao Zhan pulled out his thermos from inside of his wool overcoat.

"Dr. Lin Ran told me that I need to simmer down my caffeine, or I might get insomnia. You should reduce your intake too, before it becomes an addiction, Bowen Shushu." Xiao Zhan relayed. He twisted the cap for the opening and took sips of the warm milk.

Li Bowen looked at his nephew, despite the warm cup in his hand, his heart felt so cold.

"H-how are you these days, A-Zhan? I mean your..."

"My mental health?"

It's a delicate topic but that doesn't mean you can't inquire. Don't just ask questions, ask the right questions.

"Yibo had been supervising me before. But since he can't, Dr. Lin Ran has taken over. She cut my tablets to half – I think I improved?"

"I didn't mean as your medication. I want to know, how you truly are?" Li Bowen asked, laying down his concerns. To him the world of mental health was as foreign as for any other. He had seen Song Jiyang in his lowest moments, those were terrible days of their lives. So, imagining a person with diagnosed mental disorder was biggest avalanche for their igloo home.

Xiao Zhan looked at the building in front. It would take about another month or two for it to be complete. He couldn't wait to show it to Yibo – to Yue.

Then he let his eyes glance at the icy road. The foot-prints were getting covered by the newly fallen snow.

"Bowen Shushu, I have had people come to me and diagnose me freely with depression just because I was socially quiet."

Does being an introvert meant, a person is depressed? Would a society only succeed if we all are extroverts? Even the schools taught students to be outspoken and brave. Were the merits of success too heavy for their shoulders?

"They told me, don't be depressed. Just shake it off, it's all in your head."

We are the followers of reasons and formulas, we desire to live in a world where not even an ounce of our labor, our pain, our hard work and hopes go to waste.

"Could you imagine me saying the same thing to person with physical injury?

Oh? You broke your leg? Just walk it off, it's all in your leg."

Why do we classify two things so differently? Few centuries back, people could not live past 30. That's because they didn't take care of their physical bodies.

It was after the hygiene was practiced; did they grow healthy.

But today, the teenagers can't even pass their teens. What needs to be practiced now is a mental hygiene.

"Mental Anguish is not Mental Illness and Mental Illness doesn't make you any less normal." Xiao Zhan smiled.

"But if I have to say how I feel about all this. The truth is, I am so lonely." The glacial blue stars; twinkled in his eyes.

Loneliness is the fuel of nightmares, it's the howls of wind that screeches in your ears and the claws of veins that eats your blood.

Even a pack cigarette comes with a warming that It will kill you, but loneliness – it's a slow poison for the thumping hearts.

Li Bowen felt his stomach coiling with pain, like the punch of guilt left an acute pain. An apology was due, but he clasped his mouth shut to have it offered by the right person.

"A-Zhan, one day I will understand your world and that day I hope you will accept us back."

It's the ignorance that eviscerates all the empathy.

----

The more I'm trying to finish this story, the more time it's taking...sorry for the late update. Kinda vague chapter, hopefully will clear things in the next.

Thank you for reading.

It's the ignorance that eviscerates all the empathy – Sangu Delle