My name is Austin and I hate waffles.

Seriously, who even likes those? I sure don't. That's why I'm going to take over the world and destroy all waffles forever, and replace them with pancakes, aka the sweet breakfast of the gods.

Now, I know that may sound crazy. And you're absolutely right.

But it's been a dream of mine ever since I was a little kid. My single mother couldn't afford Froot Loops or Cinnamon Toast Crunch or souls of the innocent, so she made plain waffles every morning. Every. Single. Morning.

The other kids all laughed at me, calling me "Waffle Boy" (which isn't even a clever nickname, but hey, we were in fourth grade so what else can you expect?) and bullying me at school. You know, the generic backstory for almost every antagonist ever.

And so I swore vengeance on the waffles forever, vowing to destroy them all someday. And eat pancakes instead, because it's the superior breakfast food in every way despite being extremely similar in everything except texture.

At least, that's what I had planned before I was hired at Nintendo and got murdered in cold blood.

Let me explain.

I was a very good worker, obviously. I needed to be smart in order to take over the world. I had decided to work at Nintendo because I figured it would be easiest to gain supporters through video games. Young, naive children would see my super secret messages about how terrible waffles were and how pancakes were superior, and worship me as I climbed my way to triumph.

I worked at Nintendo for a couple months, and everyone admired me for how good I was at programming. My boss even reffered to me as the "best intern he's ever seen". There was some bitter jealousy, of course, but nothing I couldn't handle.

"WAFFLES NEVER, PANCAKES FOREVER!"
"WHAT DO WE WANT? PANCAKES! WHAT DON'T WE WANT? WAFFLES!"
"WHY EAT WAFFLES WHEN YOU CAN EAT PANCAKES?"
"A WAFFLE KILLED MY FAMILY!"
"PANCAKES ARE WAY BETTER!"
"I USED TO HAVE A FISH NAMED FRED!"
"THE WAFFLE IS A LIE!"

I stretched out my limbs after another long day of writing subliminal messages inside the new Pokémon games that we were working on— Pokémon Gay and Pokémon Straight. Now both the LGBT community and the homophobic parents would be happy.

"Thirsty?" A voice asked behind me. I turned around, and my coworker Henry was standing there, holding a cup of coffee with an odd expression on his face, which was totally not suspicious at all.

Henry wasn't exactly the friendliest person I knew. He rarely talked to anyone, and just had this weird aura around him, like he secretly hated everyone. He seemed especially cold towards me, though I couldn't figure out why.

"I guess." I said, shrugging. He offered me the coffee and I accepted it gratefully, drinking it because I'm an adult and drinking coffee is just what we do.

Henry walked away without saying another word. I found that a bit odd, but thought nothing of it. After all, there's no way that a foreboding character with clear antagonistic traits would possibly try to hurt me.

After a while, though, I started to feel dizzy. Like someone had drugged my coffee.

I excused myself to the bathroom and tried to clear my head, but my eyesight was getting blurry. And then, like a dramatic movie scene, I fell into sweet unconsciousness.

I woke up to find myself tied to a chair inside one of the server rooms. It was almost pitch black, and it took a while for my eyes to adjust. In the darkness, I could barely make out the shape of someone holding... an axe?

"Well well well." The figure said. "So you're finally awake." I internally cringed at how cliché that line was, until I realized who the voice belonged to.

"Gasp!" I gasped in shock. "Henry?!"

"That's right, Aubrey."

"My name is Austin-" I began, but Henry cut me off. "Do you know why you're here?" He asked, suddenly frowning.

"'Cause you're jealous that I'm better at my job than you?" I guessed. Henry looked taken aback for a moment, and then scowled at me.

"No, what the hell? Why would I go through the trouble of drugging and kidnapping you over something like that? I don't even like this job." He shook his head, and glared. I'd never seen seen Henry this angry before. "You're here because I read those messages you wrote in the Mii Channel."

I thought for a second. "Oh, yeah. Those messages. Why are you mad about those?" Henry looked even angrier than before. "Why do you think I'm mad?" He asked.

"Uh, because I'm a real-life supervillian who wants to take over the world and replace all waffles with pancakes?"

"That's right." Henry growled. "How dare you slander the name of waffle. Those things are even better than Rice Krispy Treats. I hardly ever got to eat them when I was a child, and now I can't afford them as an adult because I need to save money for therapy."

"Gasp!" I gasped once more. What was Henry talking about? Waffles were terrible! They were garbage! Absolute dried pieces of vermin compared to the great and glorious pancake that I totally did not start a cult for last week! How could Henry say something so heinous? "But... why would you like waffles?"

"Because they're better than pancakes!" He spat at me furiously. I was starting to get really angry myself.

"They are not!" I shouted back at him.

"They are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"YES THEY ARE!" Henry screamed, finally snapping. He swung his axe at me at full force with full malicious intent. I honestly forgot he even had an axe in the first place, but I didn't have time to think before blood spilled out of me and I died dramatically.