WILD & WICKED / © yllwjckts
044 ⸻ Liabilities

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .*:☆ﾟ. ───

trigger warning for a depiction of panic attacks, involving flashbacks to philip. snape is also even more of an ass than usual regarding lux's abuse.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .*:☆ﾟ. ───

January 26th, 1977 ✦ Hogwarts

Remus was seemingly doing much better the next day, though the moment Lux walked into the Great Hall to join her friends for a breakfast she couldn't eat, she could tell he was in a sour mood. With bags hanging under his eyes, he seemed to glare at everything he came into contact with — though when his gaze settled on her, it was pity she saw shining through, burning at her skin.

"What's wrong?" She asked as she took a seat next to him, resisting the urge to place a hand on his shoulder. Enough eyes were seemingly on her — all the Gryffindors in their year, and then some, as though expecting something from her.

"You don't know?" Lily blinked.

Her heart sank to the floor. "What is it? Is it Fulk?"

Another blink, followed by her expression melting into one of sympathy. Before Lux could correct her mistake, Lily rushed to explain, "No, no, your father's fine. It's about the boys — those Slytherins that attacked you. Mulciber and Rosier and the others."

"Oh." Lux gulped. Beneath the table, Remus found her hand, holding it tight. She could feel him shaking.

"The inquiry on them is over. They've not been expelled."

Lux bit down on her lip, though her instinct was to glance over at Mary. Her skin was a ghostly pale, eyes fixed on her untouched plate and hands twisting in front of her.

I'm sorry, Lux wanted to reach out and tell her. I'm sorry it wasn't enough.

"But they hurt her," Sirius protested, as if they didn't already know this. "That's not fair, they hurt her, why do they think they can get away with it?"

She'd thought the same, had the same anger eat her alive. And yet, she now felt as though it was not beneficial to hold it, to let it fly would to mean her own freedom.

"Sirius," Lux began, shaking her head, even as her heart twisted about in her chest. "It's not worth getting riled up over. There's nothing anyone can do about it."

Even as she spoke these words, she thought about screaming, about standing on top of the very table she sat on and demanding justice from Dumbledore. Look that manipulative bastard in the eye and ask why. Why, after everything, would he do this to her?

She kept quiet. Held her tongue, a trick too familiar to her.

It was only when Mary's lips parted did she find herself flinching. "We'll just have to keep an eye on each other, then. Make sure none of us are alone. Yeah?"

She exchanged a glance with her.

"Yeah," Lux agreed, releasing her grip on Remus's hand in favor of reaching across the table to hold onto Mary's. "It'll be fine. We'll all be fine. I'll make sure of it. No one else will get hurt."

Mary gave her a weak smile.

Though her attention was swiftly snagged by Remus, who without any prior trigger, practically jumped out of his seat. Muttering something under his breath that Lux couldn't quite catch, he stalked out of the Great Hall.

She moved to follow, letting go of Mary, but one look at Sirius's shaking head had her stopping.

"I've got this," he told her, voice low. Stepping onto his feet, he gave her a weak sort of smile that had her frowning. "I'll see you in class, yeah?"

When Sirius went to follow after the fuming Remus, she turned to James, the only person she could think of who may carry an answer.

"He's feeling powerless," James told her without her having asked. Through his glasses, his brown eyes were wide and radiating kindness that seemed to seep into her. "When people he cares about are hurt, and he can't do anything about it, he gets...reasonably upset. Can't blame him, of course. Moony will be fine — probably just needs to get some fresh air."

Lux knew he spoke the truth, and thus wasn't sure why it was that she didn't believe him.

She dragged herself out of her anxious thoughts and to Divination, though not without being escorted by James and Lily, who had Herbology at the same time.

"You'll be late," Lux scolded them for the tenth time as they reached the ladder leading up to Larkin's classroom.

"We've got to make sure no Slytherins attack you," Lily answered. "Besides, Sprout loves me. She won't be upset."

"Awful confident about that, aren't you love?" James said, slinging an arm over her shoulder and placing a kiss on her temple.

"I appreciate it, but I can handle myself next time."

James met her eye as she spoke, their secret wafting between them like a horrifically repugnant spell.

She refused to look at Lily.

"But last time—" the redhead began, worriedly wringing her hands.

Lux shook her head, cutting her off. "I was caught off guard. I won't be again. Promise."

She was looking at James still as she spoke, hoping she could convey the message she wished to without saying it out loud. Enough secrets of hers were out in the open now, Lily had no need to know what she was. She wouldn't feel frightened otherwise.

Lux knew she'd die before harming a hair on Lily's head, but she didn't know as much. And she doubted she'd allow herself the opportunity to test the theory.

"Right." James stiffened his posture, lips curving into a goofy grin. "Next time, I'll leave the chivalry to your boyfriends."

Lux couldn't help a subtle smile from sliding onto her lips. One final look at the two, before she turned and scaled the ladder.

"Lux! Hi!" Emmeline greeted with a chipper wave from their typical table.

She felt her smile grow as she rushed to take a seat next to her. Benjy, as usual, lurked nearby, sharing a table with a Ravenclaw girl called Sibyl.

In his eyes, a concerned expression shone as he leaned in. "Erzsebet, did you hear about—"

She cut him off with the raise of her hand and a sharp glare. "Nothing that needs to be talked about right now."

"Right, well..." his voice trailed off as he moved to scratch the back of his neck in an awkward movement.

To her credit, Emmeline didn't question the exchange, though Lux could tell she wanted to. Instead, she leaned closer to Lux, sliding their shared textbook across the table.

"Have you been keeping your dream journal like Larkin says we ought to? I have — and look at what it says about my dreams." She jabbed a finger towards a sentence halfway down the page, teeth nervously gnawing on her bottom lip. "When it comes to the Greek myths and how they relate to us, I'm the equivalent of Icarus."

"Well...try not to fly," Lux offered with a soft smile, for the first time that day not feeling the presence of Mulciber and Rosier and what they'd done to her lingering in the air.

She shook her head, not understanding the humor in her tone. "Well it's obviously a metaphor, but what for? Am I too ambitious? Is it to do with the Hogwarts Press?"

"It could also mean taking a risk," Benjy added, shamelessly eavesdropping.

Emmeline paled.

"I'm not much of a risk taker," she admitted, though the wobble in her voice gave away a lingering worry.

"It could be a coincidence," Lux said, a hand reaching to hold onto Emmeline's shoulder, gently squeezing. When the girl didn't look convinced, she tried to add, "Or maybe it's meant to symbolize coming to terms with something."

"How does that relate to Icarus?" Benjy frowned, earning a glare from Lux. She'd come up with the concept on the spot, knowing it made no sense whatsoever, but anything to numb Emmeline's rapidly swelling anxiety.

"Ignore him," Lux told her firmly. "Whatever happens, it'll be fine. I promise."

Emmeline gave her a smile, as though Lux's words held supremacy to her. "Alright. If you're sure."

"Of course I am."

"What's your dreams been of?"

The same as always. Philip, Lux almost answered. Didn't, not only because that would lead to an explanation of who that was, someone who didn't need to know the depths of her past, but because she'd come so far. Part of her worried speaking his name somehow kept a little bit of life to him.

She hoped the smile she wore met her eyes as she said, "Nothing interesting. I usually forget them."

Larkin began the class moments later, informing them that they would all be doing partnered palm readings once again — though this time regarding lifelines. When asked what that meant, Larkin explained that it was a certain line on your palm, meant to tell you just how long it was you'd live.

Emmeline seemed worried as she pulled out her book once again, placing it in between the pair.

"I'm not sure I want to know how long I'll live," she admitted as she turned to the assigned page, still biting down on her lip.

Lux wished she could agree. Perhaps it was a double edged sword, knowing she would never die, and yet fearing it anyways, like a cat fears their own shadow. Inescapable, forever lingering. Haunting.

"Yours is long," Emmeline said as she took hold of Lux's hand, scanning between her lifeline and the book. "Really long. Suppose you'll outlive all of us."

"Mine's short," Benjy whined, having already tested his with his parter. "I don't want to die young."

"What's mine, Lux?" Emmeline asked, having the same nervous edge as before.

Lux took a hold of Emmeline's hand, scanning for the lifeline stretched out in the middle of her palm. "Yours is a bit short too," she admitted.

"It's longer than mine," Benjy said, peering over Lux's shoulder to get a good look at it. When Lux released her grip on Emmeline, Benjy took advantage of this, slamming his own hand on the table, palm up. "Look how short mine is! Look!"

"It doesn't mean anything," Lux attempted to assure them, watching as panic rose in both of them. "Really. It's just—"

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," a wispy voice broke through their conversation.

"Professor Larkin." Lux forced a smile, though her stomach burned from irritation. What kind of professor had a lesson like this? "Tell them that it's a coincidence. They won't die young."

"They will die young," Larkin said without a pause, and Emmeline paled. "And you, Slayer of Kings, have lived far too long as it is."

Lux flinched, her entire body physically retreating away from the professor. "I don't...I don't know what you mean."

She said nothing, her dark eyes glossed over as though on drugs, in the same way Regulus Black had been that night in the hallway. Though Lux knew it likely had nothing to do with drugs.

Only when Larkin walked away did Lux find she was able to breathe.

"Slayer of Kings?" Emmeline frowned, leaning in to Lux with her voice above a whisper. "What's that supposed to mean?"

All she could do was shake her head, as the nerves in her stomach began to cannibalize themselves.

She couldn't get out of there fast enough — scrambling out of the classroom as fast as she could once they were released, only sparing a second to bit Emmeline a swift goodbye.

Her next class was Charms, but she was trembling far too severely to be able to attend, opting instead to wander about the halls in the very same way she knew would have Lily and James scolding her like a child out of bed for.

Instead, her mind fixated on Larkin, and the possibility of her knowing what she was. Had Dumbledore told her? Had she told anyone else?

Would she have to leave the school?

Months prior, she'd been prepared to do just that, but now, with her boyfriends and friends and all the other people she'd grown to care so deeply for, she knew the only way to get her out of Hogwarts would be to drag her kicking and screaming.

"She knows less than you think."

Her entire body jumped, hand darting into her pocket for her wand, though the moment her mind recognized the voice of who it was that approached her, she felt her muscles relax.

"It's rude to invade people's minds without their permission, Snape."

From where he hovered in the hall, several feet away from her with his shoulder pressed against the wall, he smirked. "Your voice is trembling."

She gulped.

"I know when you're afraid," he began, stepping towards her. "I can see fear in your mind every single time I enter it. But it rarely ever shows."

Attempting a casual shrug, she tossed her hair to the side. "Larkin gave me a fright, that's all."

"You're letting your guards down." It wasn't a question, but a statement. "You shouldn't do that. It'll get you hurt."

"Why do you care if I'm hurt?"

The roll of his eyes had the knot that had formed in her gut loosening ever so slightly. "Does the word alliance mean nothing to you? I'll pose this question — do you want me hurt?"

While her silence spoke enough as it was, she knew he was bursting into her mind anyways, searching for the truth she would never voice. That no, Snape had somehow come to mean something to her in the same way her dormmates did, in the same way James Potter and Peter Pettigrew did.

"We're not friends, Erzsebet," he told her, refusing to meet her gaze.

"I know."

"So quit those girlish thoughts. We're not friends. I don't do friends."

"And you'll live a miserable life because of it."

His eyes narrowed. "Perhaps. But I will live. And I'm beginning to believe you might not."

He might as well have punched her. "I won't die," she insisted, taking a step towards him. "You know I won't. You just want to scare me."

"Is it working?"

She didn't deign grace him with a response.

Preparing to spin around and march away, the only thing that kept her from abandoning him was Snape's voice echoing through the empty hall once again.

"Did you get a letter from Slughorn?"

A frown ran across her brow. "What about?"

"The Slug Club."

She paused, then shook her head. "I must've been omitted from this round. Perhaps he no longer sees potential in me."

"Or he feels guilty for what he did, sending the Coven to the Potter's."

"We don't know it was him," Lux said with a grimace.

Snape shook his head, and any defenses she'd been prepared to build regarding the professor dimmed. He seemed so sure of himself, it was impossible to go against Snape's thoughts. "Who else would it have been?"

"Aren't you supposed to be figuring that out?"

"I'm trying. And I will find out who it was in time. You'd be surprised how many minds in Hogwarts are guarded. Makes you wonder why you can't do it." He ran a hand through his greasy black hair, gritting his teeth as her posture stiffened. "But I think we need to investigate Slughorn. Properly, too. If only to rule him out, since you're so bloody insistent that it can't be him."

"I'm not insistent," Lux denied. "Just hesitant to believe a Professor would do that."

"This is war, Erzsebet. Get that into your damn skull. The only one Slughorn would stick his neck out for is his own damn self. If it came between death and selling out some student he hardly knows, which do you think he'd pick?"

Her nails clawed against her arms, rubbing up and down as a sudden chill filled the hall.

"You're right," she breathed out, watching as satisfaction slid onto his expression. Hating it. "So what do you want to do about it?"

The size of his smirk increased, a subtle movement that couldn't have meant anything good. "After the Slug Club, I'm going to distract him. You're going to sneak into his office and rummage through his things."

She blinked, a frown crossing over her face. "Won't he see me? The Slug Club is always hosted in his office."

"That's where your otherwise unideal connections finally have some use."

"Stop playing in riddles, Severus, I'm getting a headache."

The usage of his first name had his posture stiffening. "Potter has an invisibility cloak."

Lux nearly gasped, the image of James Potter walking around with something worth thousands of galleons having her eyes growing wide. "Aren't those rare?"

"Incredibly."

"How do you know about it?"

A dismissive wave of his hand was the only answer he gave. "Get Potter to let you borrow it. I'm sure he will, the bloody pushover he is."

She bit down on his lip. She'd broken through the thin ice she'd walked upon with James, emerging on the other side as perhaps more friend than foe, but she knew it was a fragile friendship that they held. One easily broken.

Shaking her head, she said, "There's got to be another solution. One that doesn't involve him."

"What, you're afraid he'll say no?"

"No, I'm afraid he'll say yes and then I'll find a way to fuck it up."

Snape released a laugh, dry and brittle. "You really have changed. I'd call it charming, if it wasn't so inconvenient."

She shifted her weight from foot to foot. "When's the Slug Club meeting?"

"End of February. The twenty seventh."

"Right." She released a breath. "I should probably get going."

"Why? You're not going to Charms."

"No," she agreed, not bothering to scold him from his blatant disregard for her mental privacy. "But I want some time alone. Just to collect my thoughts. I'm still a bit...shaken, from Larkin."

The eye roll that followed resulted in her cheeks burning red. "I've already told you, you don't have anything to worry about regarding that bat. I've searched her mind, she's as loony as she acts."

"She knows," Lux emphasized.

"And who would believe her if she were to spill your secret — which she won't."

"Emmeline," she answered after a pause. "She's into Divination, believes it all. She'd believe anything Larkin told her."

A lazy cock of his eyebrow had her fingers curling into fists. "Don't tell me that losing Emmeline Vance is keeping you up at night."

"She's my friend," she argued.

He shook his head. "You better not go soft on me, Erzsebet. I don't need you skipping around the hall, declaring me as your friend."

"What, your pristine reputation can't handle it?"

Rolling his eyes, he didn't answer, though when she turned to leave, his voice calling her name had her pivoting back to face him. "There's one more thing."

"Make it quick."

"Your boyfriend got into a fight. Just saw it happen while passing the Great Hall."

Her jaw fell to the floor. "Sirius fought someone? Who?"

He snorted. "Not Black. Lupin."

"Remus got into a fight?"

"Won it, too, from what I could tell. Had Mulciber on the floor. Think Rosier was involved too. Blood was everywhere."

"You're lying. Tell me you're lying."

"Why would I lie about this?"

He was right, she realized as she ran a hand through her blonde curls, resisting the urge to sink to the floor. "Oh Merlin..."

The tightening of her chest was nearly enough to send her collapsing to the floor. Instead, she allowed the tears to bud at her eyes, knowing Snape could read into her burning anxiety no matter if she showed it or not.

Knowing it was her fault if something happened to him, that just like Elias, the actions of one man got another into trouble, had their lives ruined for merely helping her in the only ways they knew how. Elias, providing her an oasis. Remus, retaliation.

"He's going to get expelled!"

Snape shook his head. "I doubt that. If Dumbledore didn't expel Liam Mulciber and Evan Rosier for what they did to you, he won't go after your precious boyfriend for defending your honor."

Lux's voice cracked as she spoke, "Are you sure?"

A rare blip of sympathy flashed across his expression. "He's not going anywhere, Erzsebet. I can promise that. And I can also promise that there's no way in hell Mulciber and his friends will be messing with you again. Not for a long time, that is."

And for the first time, she fully, completely trusted Severus Snape's word.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .*:☆ﾟ. ───

"Are you alright?"

Lux watched as Remus's head snapped up from the couch he was lounged on, looking downright miserable as Sirius rambled on about something Lux didn't catch.

When their eyes met, she nearly flinched. "Fuck, Remus, your eye..."

"I'm fine," he said as a wince ran through him. The skin around his eye was coated in a massive bruise, puffing out horribly with blood crusting near his brow. His lip was split, a slice drawn on the bottom left side.

Even as concern ate at her, it was all far more attractive than she cared to admit.

She moved to sit down next to him, grabbing hold of his hand. "You didn't need to do that for me, you know?"

He tried to frown. Failed at it, wincing once more as pain seemingly shot through him. Even so, he didn't seem deterred by it. "You're not mad at me?"

"Mad for sticking it to Mulciber and Rosier? No. They had it coming. I just wish you hadn't put yourself in harm's way off of my accord."

"It was half as much for him as for you, Luxie dearest," Sirius said, stretching his arm out across the couch in an inconspicuous attempt to place his arm around Remus's shoulder. Out of the few people lurking in the common room, no one seemed to be paying an ounce of attention towards them, though even so, Lux watched warily as the boys exchanged a flirty glance.

"Half as much for him?" She clarified.

He nodded. "Pride or whatever. Seeing you hurt rips him apart. He has to do something about it, or else his anger will build and build."

"You make it sound so toxic," Remus scoffed. "It isn't like that. I just hate seeing you hurt."

"I hate seeing you hurt," Lux repeated, motioning towards his swollen eye.

Remus said nothing in response, simply snaked an unassuming hand down the couch cushion, entwining his fingers with hers.

"Did you get into trouble?"

At this, both boys had sly grins sliding across their lips. "That's the best part. McGonagall saw it," Remus began with an almost mischievous giddiness Lux had only previously seen on Sirius. "Broke up the fight, dragged me to her office, and gave me a biscuit."

Lux gaped, the same excitement Remus held now flooding her. "Not even a single detention?"

He shook his head, grinning ear to ear.

She then decided that McGonagall was certainly her favorite of the Hogwarts staff. Elias excluded, of course.

"Are you going to the rest of your classes?" She asked, though she knew it was a stupid question when Sirius barked out a doglike laugh.

"No, we're testing our luck today. Seeing how much we can get away with, since Moony here evaded punishment. Care to join us?"

Lux's lips curved up into a grin, and it took all of her resistance not to lean in and kiss him. "I can get behind that."

"How about we take this to the dorm?" Sirius leaned in and whispered, earning a giddy grin from Lux and the narrowing of Remus's eyes as he struggled to maintain a lack of arousal.

Careful to keep quiet as to not alert anyone of their movements and have them spot where they were headed, the three slipped out into the boys dorms, Remus locking the door behind them.

"Hopefully James doesn't barge in again," he said, moving to press his lips onto Sirius's.

The two snogged for a long, drawn out moment, as Lux watched, grinning to herself. "He better not. I'll be seeing enough of him at Quidditch practice tomorrow, I don't think I'll be able to look him in the eye ever again if he sees my tits."

"A life where you cannot see Luxie's tits is not a life worth living," Sirius said woefully, a hand stretching out and motioning for her to join them.

She did, moving to kiss Remus, only to taste the subtle hint of blood on his lips.

The sudden shift hit her like a truck.

It was too familiar, like that ghost she'd spent so long running from had finally caught up to her. How she'd be held down, human blood that consistently stained his mouth moving from Philip's lips to hers as his way was had without concern for what she wanted.

Her body seized up, a voltage of electricity darting through every nerve.

She pulled away at the same time as Philip did, heart thundering in her chest.

Someone said something that sounded like her name. Sirius, she thought vaguely through what had become a buzzing numbness in her mind. Right — Sirius was there, it wasn't Philip who she'd kissed, it wasn't Philip with blood on his lips, it was Remus, Remus who wouldn't hurt her, Remus who she trusted, who she loved—

A hand fell on her shoulder, a movement to strike her, and she collapsed.

On her knees, she was safer. On her knees, he couldn't hold her down. Couldn't hit her, couldn't make it hurt. She had a semblance of control on her knees.

She began fiddling with Philip's belt buckle, hands shaking as they worked with the leather.

He stepped away, and she couldn't contain herself anymore, couldn't hold back the tsunami of anxiety bursting at her gates.

"I'm sorry," she wailed in a way she never had before, convulsing as her vision blurred, the glasses balancing on her nose fogging up and her breathing resorting to short, frequent inhales where she couldn't seem to get enough air no matter how hard she tried.

He was saying something, though his words were jumbled, tone not quite sounding like his at all.

It didn't matter what his words were, she figured. It wouldn't change anything, if she knew the insults he spouted at her. He was going to hit her, beat her until she couldn't move, have his way with her aching body. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Please, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, I didn't, please, I'm sorry—"

There was a rustling, something falling over, then—

Then something was pressing against her lips. Some sort of vial, she realized, the cold sensation shocking her system enough to hear the words being spoken to her.

"Please, just drink this."

Sirius's voice was shaking as she took the vial, downing it without a word of questioning.

Sirius. Remus.

Not Philip.

Philip was dead, she remembered as her muscles seemed to melt, tears dried out just as quickly as they'd been formed. Now, all she felt was a heaviness in her chest, an ache in her knees from where they'd met the floor, and a furiously embarrassed blush flash across her.

Philip was dead. He couldn't ever hurt her again.

Somehow, she didn't feel better. Instead, it felt like she'd humiliated herself, like she'd walked around in public only to realize she'd forgotten to put on clothes.

"I'm sorry," she croaked, gaze locked on the ground. "I don't know what happened, I'm—"

"Stop apologizing," Sirius told her in a soft yet firm tone, kneeling down to her level. "Is it okay if I touch you?"

Lux thought, then shook her head.

"Okay." He didn't seem shocked. "Do you need another calming drought, or was the one alright? You can have another — they say two every twenty four hours is safe."

"I'm fine," she sniffed. From above, she could hear Remus shuffling, but couldn't bring herself to look at him. What he must think of her now...

She caved in on herself, moving to hug her knees to her chest. It mattered little how pathetic she looked now, nothing could be worse than that horrific display.

It was tempting to stand up, move towards the corner of the room, and bang her head against the wall until she passed out. The only thing preventing her from doing as much was knowing she'd have to meet Remus's eye if she moved, have to see what must be pure, unrelenting discomfort.

She tightened her grip on her knees.

Then, Remus too was leaning down next to her. Though he wouldn't touch her, he remained close, dipping his head to force her to look into his hazel-brown eyes. "Are you alright?"

There was no point in lying. She shook her head. "I don't know what happened. I was fine and then I wasn't."

Remus and Sirius exchanged a glance.

"I'm sorry," she sputtered out, a new wave of sobs bubbling in her.

"Hey, no, stop that," Sirius told her, frantically rushing to speak before the floodgates could open. "You had a panic attack, it's alright. That's nothing to be ashamed about. I get them all the time — hence why we've got a few calming droughts in the dorm. Just in case."

"It was...it was the blood," Lux said without prompting, releasing one of her hands' grips on her knees to wipe her eyes. "The blood on Remus's lips. It...it brought me back to Philip. I didn't even realize you guys were here anymore, I thought you were him."

"You were messing about with my belt..." Remus breathed out, more to himself than to her.

"I'm sorry. I know you'd never...I don't know what happened." She shook her head, moving to rub her temples with her fingertips, a headache already blooming in her skull. "It felt like I wasn't here. Like my logic was gone. I don't know."

"You're safe," Sirius promised. "No one can hurt you here."

She shook her head. "I ruined our shag."

She watched as both boys frowned, appearing equally as appalled by her words. "We don't care about that," Remus said, voice so soft she could hardly believe it belonged to him, to the same boy who'd she'd once gotten into screaming matches with. The same boy who used to frighten her for no good reason.

It was almost impossible to fathom, that they'd once been anything but what they were now.

"But I—"

"Stop." Remus's voice was firm enough that she did as he said instantly, shutting her mouth. "I won't listen to you beat yourself up for this. It's my fault, I shouldn't have fought with those two."

"How would it be your fault?" She sniffed, moving to wipe her nose. "I'm the one who acted like a bloody fool."

Sirius placed his hand an inch from hers, careful not to touch her, but to seemingly remind her he was there for her regardless. "You were triggered. It happens."

The shake of her head was all she gave in means to dismiss him. Pushing herself onto shaky feet, she gulped, a deep exhale shuddering through her lungs. "I need to go."

"Lux, don't," Sirius sighed, regret swimming in his eyes. "Please, we can talk about this."

"What's there to say?" She responded, tone dry.

"You..."

"I what?" She refused to look at Remus as she spoke, the rhythm of her breathing matching her trembling hands. "Tried to suck off Remus while thinking he was my rapist? What else is there to say about that?"

"Lux, wait," Sirius began, but it was too late. She'd already slipped out the door.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .*:☆ﾟ. ───

Ten minutes had gone by in which Sirius paced back and forth in the dorm room, completely unsure of what to do.

Lux had vanished. Remus had locked himself in the bathroom. Neither one of them would budge, he knew, but while Lux perhaps needed to be alone for a moment, he didn't trust Remus to be in his own company.

Eventually, the bathroom door creaked open, and Remus slunk out, shoulders slumped and eyes rimmed red.

Sirius kept quiet, returning to his pacing.

"She hates me," Remus said in an almost bored tone, laid down on his bed with his legs bent to his knees, aimed at the ceiling.

"Why would she hate you?" Sirius frowned. "She had a panic attack. That's not your fault."

"She thought I was Philip!" Remus shot back, a hand clasped to his mouth as if containing sobs. He was, Sirius realized, his body shaking and his eyes closed.

"Moony, hey, hey, stop." Sirius rushed out of his bed and over to Remus, moving to wrap his arms around him. "It's not like that, yeah? We didn't do anything wrong."

"But she—"

"She didn't do anything wrong either," he finished, knowing what Remus was going to say. "No one was at fault for what just happened except that man who raped her. Okay? Not even a little bit."

"Then why would she think I was him? Why would she assume I would hurt her?"

Sirius shook his head, inhaling a deep breath as he held tight onto his boyfriend. Remus wasn't one to cry, letting emotions fester until they exploded in anger.

Always anger. Never sadness. Never this.

"Do you remember the Christmas before last?"

Remus frowned. "What's that got to do with anything?"

Sirius ignored him. "Christmas Eve, James and I were horsing around in the parlor, and I knocked over that vase. Remember?"

Pausing for a second, he nodded. "I do. You were a wreck. Wouldn't stop crying."

Sirius refused to let his embarrassment show, knowing there was not supposed to be any shame in it. Not for Lux, not for him. "I thought Effie and Monty would kill me. Genuinely — if I'd done that to something as expensive and old as that vase of Walburga or Orion's, I'd have been tortured. You know that."

Remus sniffed.

"They didn't do that. Effie and Monty. Of course they didn't. They'd never once given me a reason to think they didn't love me, not a single time. And yet, because of what my biological parents were like, I was afraid. It's not anything we did, Moons. Just like it wasn't anything they did. It's just how I'm wired, and how Lux is."

He watched as Remus gnawed down on his already split lip, a few drops of blood slipping out from the cut.

"She was so scared," he eventually breathed out. "How could someone make her feel that way?"

"We didn't—"

"I don't mean us."

Sirius went silent. It had been a thought he'd carried since he was old enough to know what his parents did to him was wrong. How? How could someone look at their child, at someone they were meant to love and protect and care for, and cast the torture curse on them? How were they able to go about their days as if the person they'd created wasn't suffering?

Then, a shaky, "I don't know. I don't know how you could do that to someone and live with yourself after."

"I wish he wasn't dead," Remus said, his sadness morphed into that all too familiar anger. "I wish he wasn't dead so we could kill him ourselves."

"I think it's important Lux got to do it," Sirius said, though he couldn't help but agree. "It doesn't matter though. All we can do is do our best to make her feel safe when these things happen. There will be more times like this, and we've got to make sure she knows they can happen."

"Why would we want them to happen?"

"Would you rather her not feel comfortable showing her emotions in front of us? Bottling them up?"

Remus shook his head.

"She was able to have a breakdown like this because her mind told her it was a safe space to do it. If she was with Philip, do you really think she'd have been crying?"

He gulped. "I suppose not."

"See," Sirius promised, reaching a hand out to grab onto his. "We're fine. More than fine. She trusts us in the most intimate way she knows how."

"Then why didn't we go after her?"

"Because she needed space. And you needed me."

Remus's lip wobbled, and Sirius resisted the urge to reach out and run a finger over his scar, trace the ridge, feel every groove in it. Instead, he leaned in and kissed him.

"I love you, Remus Lupin."

There was no hesitation. "I love you too."

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .*:☆ﾟ. ───

It was barely past noon, yet all Lux longed to do was sleep into the next day. Rushing into her dorms as fast as she could, she collapsed into her blankets and pulled them around herself, closing her eyes and forcing herself to drift off.

Part of her had hoped Remus or Sirius would follow after her. Another part of her was glad they hadn't, that she'd kept her level of patheticness stagnant for the day.

Hours went by before she was able to find sleep.

Her dreams were suffocating.

Philip's menacing gaze followed her even when she woke up at nearly midnight, surrounded by four other girls, all absorbed in their own snores. No one seemed to stir when she slipped out of the dorm, hating the presence of a singular person, finding it akin to a pillow being held to her face. Impossible to breathe in such circumstances.

Yet, despite her desire to be alone, Lux found herself pulled in the direction of the one person she knew could understand the burning humiliation coursing in her veins. She just needed to cross her fingers and hope he was there.

He was.

Curled up with his knees to his chest, Regulus Black hovered in the typical spot he occupied in the Astronomy Tower, peering between the bars that kept him from toppling off the ledge and into the billows of snow a hundred feet beneath them. His stormy grey eyes shifted towards her for a brief moment, barely acknowledging her existence before returning to the darkness of night.

"You're alive."

"For now," was the ominous response he gave, tone dry.

She knew it was a mask. She'd had her own experiences with masks, holding them so close to her face she'd forgotten what it was like to go without it.

Today had been an example of letting the mask slip. She'd never cried like that in front of Philip, never done anything but have blind obedience in a way that kept whatever little pride she had left intact.

Why then, she wondered to herself as she slipped down across from Regulus, back against the curved railing. The bar dug into her spine at an uncomfortable angle, causing her to shift about.

"You're not smoking," Lux said to Regulus, breaking the silence between them.

"Thought you'd appreciate that."

"I do. Doesn't mean I'm not shocked, though."

She watched as he rolled his eyes. "Don't worry, I won't get all crazy on you again. I'd taken too much — won't happen again."

"You've not stopped, then?" Lux winced.

"Why, are you worried about me?" He lifted a dull eyebrow, as if the idea were so unbelievable he refused to indulge in it. "You shouldn't fret, Erzsebet. I'll be fine."

"Are you sure? Because last I checked, I had to get Severus Snape to save you from overdosing."

"Don't be dramatic, I would've been fine." His eyes narrowed in on her. "And thanks for that, by the way. Now I have Snape as a goddamn babysitter. He won't leave me alone."

"Join the club," she murmured, more to herself than to him. "You should be thanking me, though. He's the only option I had — unless you wanted your little stint with potions getting back to mummy and daddy dearest."

His expression darkened, a shadow emerging over his pale face. "Don't talk about them."

"All I'm saying is you should be grateful. I saved you from your own mistakes."

He gave her an exaggerated eye roll, contrasting from his typical aura of aristocracy. "Right. Like I'm going to be thanking a fucking Gryffindor for anything. Especially one who's sharing a bed with my brother."

She didn't deny it, though she pressed her legs firmly together as she attempted to shove the memory of earlier that day to the side. "It's only polite."

"No, what's polite is to mind your own fucking business. I never asked for your help, Erzsebet. I'm not going to thank you because you went out of your way to do something for me that I didn't want."

Her teeth found her lips, biting down. She supposed she couldn't blame him for acting such a way, not when she'd once had the same mindset when it came to Lily and her relentless need to fix things.

A silence fell between them, one Lux realized she had no desire to break. There was something comforting about sitting with Regulus, allowing the quiet of the night to consume their minds, numbing their thoughts as they focused on the chill.

Then, spoken so softly she wondered if she'd imagined it entirely, Regulus whispered, "I'm not a good person."

"Neither am I," Lux said at the same volume, watching as her breathing produced a puff of air in the frigid weather.

"Bullshit. At least you try."

"You could try, too."

A shake of his head had her shoulders slumping. "No use. It'll only get me killed. That's all being good does — gets you buried in a shallow grave at a far too early age."

Lux released a scoff. "You sound like Snape."

"You spend a lot of time with him then?"

"Not willingly," she said, before realizing how it sounded. "I just mean I don't particularly like him. He's basically forced himself into my life."

Regulus's lips formed a thin line. "I don't think many people do like Severus Snape very much. I'm surprised you've let him linger."

She nearly considered telling him she hadn't had a choice, that the information they held against each other was too severe to do anything but their alliance, but kept her mouth shut. Regulus was the last person she needed asking questions.

It was minutes before Regulus spoke again, voice a wispy, deceptive calm. "You shouldn't have helped me out, Erzsebet."

"Why not?"

"I'm not deserving."

"Don't be like that," she scolded him. "You were in trouble. It would have been cruel of me not to help you."

Regulus was on his feet within moments, a dusting of slow falling off of his body as he stiffened his posture. "I've got to go."

"Go where?"

He shook his head, grey eyes darting towards the door. She wondered if he'd expected someone to enter, or if he was simply afraid of looking at her.

Her stomach shifted, hating the second possibility. That even without the threat of her vampirism in his mind, he could sense there was something off about her. Something unhuman.

"None of your business, that's where."

She rolled her eyes in an attempt to mask the hurt stinging her insides. "Right. Whatever. Have a good night, Black."

As he turned to walk away, she called after him, "And you're welcome again!"

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .*:☆ﾟ. ───

January 27th, 1978 ✦ Hogwarts

It was a difficult task indeed, for Lux to force herself out of her bed the next day and drag herself to classes. She'd skipped breakfast, knowing Sirius and Remus would want to speak to her, which she'd rather take off her daylight ring and stand outside on a hot summer day than do.

It was surprisingly easy to go about her day without interruptions from her boyfriends. Every time she'd entered a class she knew they'd be in, she scampered out the moment they were excused, fast enough that they couldn't catch her.

She knew they'd want to talk about whatever it was that had happened the night before — a panic attack, Sirius had claimed. But her shame was a mountain she had no desire to climb over. In all her life, she'd never felt herself seep to that level of humiliation, and wasn't sure she'd ever be able to look either boy in the eye again.

"Erzsebet," she heard a voice call out as she slipped down the hall on her way out of Potions, and nearly groaned.

"I can't be bothered with you right now," she told Snape, turning around to shoot him a glare.

As usual, he'd managed to lurk in a hallway he somehow knew no one but her would be in, a sixth sense of sorts he utilized in the most annoying of ways.

"So you enjoy being vulnerable?"

She blinked.

"Your lessons. We haven't gotten around to one in ages," he explained when her confusion became evident to him, be it through mind reading or simply viewing her expression.

Right. He had a point — she'd been so preoccupied with the other happenings of her hectic life, she'd barely thought about why she and Snape had become allies in the first place. Mutual benefits.

She glanced at the door. "I've got Quidditch practice in two hours."

"Then that's two hours we have to work on your blocking. Now hurry the hell up, unless you want your boyfriends to see where you are."

Her head snapped up, eyes narrowing in on him. "You know what happened?"

The simple lift of his eyebrows had her cheeks burning scarlet. "Of course you do. How could you not? How could you possibly leave one single event in my life left unseen by you?"

"I could, if you'd learn to block me out. The solution is right there."

She exhaled a shaky breath, unable to come up with a good enough argument as he led her to their typical classroom, shutting the door behind him. Wand fiddling in his hand, twisting between his long, pale fingers, she watched as he began to circle her.

"What are you doing?" She demanded.

He showed no reaction at the harshness of her tone, not so much as blinking. "Just considering."

She hated the sound of that.

"Considering what?"

This time, he did smirk, though it didn't meet his eyes. "If you'd believe me if I told you what I know."

"Is it about the Coven informant?"

He shook his head.

"Then I probably wouldn't," she agreed. "I don't trust you not to lie to me."

"I haven't lied yet," he pointed out.

"I have no way of knowing that, and even litter reason to trust it's the truth."

"Why?" He asked, tone almost frail. Before she could give him an answer, he was clearing his throat and speaking again. "You're being lied to, Erzsebet, but it's not by me. And when you find out, you'll come crawling on your hands and knees to apologize to me."

"I doubt that. I've already been on my hands and knees enough for a week," she murmured, mind flashing towards the night prior.

To her surprise, Snape laughed.

And for once, he didn't scare her. He didn't intimidate her, or remind her of the struggle they both had on power, the games they played to find and keep it. He was, at the end of the day, just a boy trying to keep his head afloat as everything beneath him attempted to drag him below the surface.

At the end of the day, all Snape wanted was not to drown.

Neither did Lux.

She was ready this time, walls built as Snape attempted to shove himself through the bricks, slamming against what she'd built over and over until they'd been chipped away to dust.

It wasn't a memory of much interest he'd found himself in — one where Lux was criss crossed on her bed, in the throws of a conversation with one of the Coven members. Euphraxia, the woman who perhaps scared her the least out of the three ones she'd had for company in the few months before Philip had claimed her. Euphraxia, who in another world, could've become her friend.

It was a memory she hadn't remembered, not out of trauma needing to push it away, but because in the long run, it had never stood out as anything of importance.

"You are quite pretty," Euphraxia was telling her from behind, weaving a brush through her hair. "I see why Philip picked you."

The Lux of then didn't react. Didn't understand with Euphraxia was telling her.

The other vampire wasn't much older than her in bodily means — perhaps a year her senior, with dark hair and the prettiest brown eyes Lux had ever seen. She was kind sometimes, but only when alone, like this memory. Maybe it was because she hadn't seen Lux as someone worth fearing.

"Adelais will come around," she continued, the brush digging into a snarl her curly hair had found, yanking on it as Lux watched herself wince. "She's not used to new woman. Younger woman. Prettier woman," she added, causing Lux to giggle slightly.

"Adelais is a gem," the blonde promised. "She has nothing to be wary of."

Euphraxia said nothing, simply patting her on the shoulder.

"So you spent time in the Coven doing girl talk?" Snape said as he exited her mind, dragging her with him. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say it couldn't be as bad as I'd thought."

"Let's just hope you do know better then," she hissed, teeth grinding against each other.

His lips twitched. "I do. And I think I know your problem."

"My problem?"

"You're not desperate enough. What does it matter to you if I see you and some other vampire playing with each other's hair? You don't care much, and I can't fault you for that."

She bit down on her lip.

"You need to think of a memory so horrible you'd die of shame if I saw it. Something I wouldn't already know, something you've buried."

"You're kidding."

He shook his head. "I think, if you're desperate enough to keep me out of your mind, you'll be able to push me out. But that won't work unless you really, truly, could not handle me seeing whatever it is."

"How do I know what you have and haven't seen?"

She watched as an exaggerated eye roll seemed to take over his face. "I don't exactly enjoy spending my time in your mind, Erzsebet. Believe it or not, I'm not a sadist. I take what information I need and leave."

"Could've fooled me," she muttered, folding her arms over her chest. "And stop dancing around the subject. You want me to find a time where Philip had raped me."

He nodded, eyes briefly averting hers.

"You've already seen one. The first time we'd tried this, you saw one."

"Yes, and how did it make you feel?"

Weak, she almost answered, holding her tongue. Shameful. Powerless. It didn't matter that she kept her words to herself. Snape knew the answer anyways.

Tears were suddenly brimming in her eyes.

"I'm not in your mind right now. I promise, I'm not," he told her, voice uncharacteristically soft. She felt her muscles begin to relax, as though somehow soothed by his reassurances.

"I don't think I'm in the right place to do this right now." She moved to wipe her nose with her sleeve. "You already saw what happened last night. I don't think I'm ready."

"Pushing it back will only make it worse."

Something about his words caused her to snap.

"Why do you care? You've made it beyond clear that we aren't friends, that you don't like me, so why do you give a damn? You said I'm becoming weak, then cut me off as your ally and be done with it. I'm sick of playing games."

His jaw shifted, a pause passing between them as he struggled for words. Insults, she was imagining, though when he spoke, they were the opposite. "Weather or not I like you has nothing to do with this."

She lifted her eyebrows.

"Fine," Snape said. "Fine, be weak if that's what you want. It'll only end up with you in the same position as before."

The boiling of her blood spiked, a hitch in her breath she hoped he didn't notice as she took a proud step towards him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You think the Death Eaters just kill their women and are done with it? They're cruel."

"They're not as powerful as me," she argued, though one look at his reaction had her posture deflating.

"You haven't met the Dark Lord. You don't know what he's capable of"

"And you have?"

His silence was the only answer he gave.

Her eyes narrowed, not bothering to hide the hurt she felt building up in her. Even so, she managed to phrase her argument as an accusation, careless in nature when in reality, she felt as though a stake had been shoved into her heart. "You using my rape against me isn't what an ally should do."

Snape didn't hesitate. "On the contrary. It's precisely what an ally does — remind you of what's at stake. If it's the motivation you need to stay alive, then it's worth it."

There was little use in pressing further, Lux understood. Snape was a man who didn't let himself want for much, knowing whatever it was he'd get would be ripped away.

What he did receive, however, he would not let go of. He'd go down fighting with all his might to keep what he thought he had a claim to.

Now, he had his claws sunk into her, and wasn't prepared to release his grip, no matter how much it might ache for him, how much effort he must exert to keep her.

Part of her found it in her to compare him to Philip. Another part of her thought to see him as a mirror to herself.

"Fine," Lux breathed. "Let's get this over with."

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .*:☆ﾟ. ───

"You look like hell," James commented as she walked out onto the pitch, dressed in her Quidditch uniform, the broom she'd borrowed from the Hogwarts stash hanging in her left hand, and her beater bat in her right.

The rest of the team were already on their brooms, flying about as they practiced with the Quaffle. James, however, seemed like he'd been waiting for her specifically, feet planted firmly on the ground from where he hovered near the base of one of the hoops.

"Sorry I'm late," was the response she gave, rubbing her head with her fingers. "I've got a headache."

It wasn't a lie. She'd spent most of the two hours holding back tears of both anger and humiliation as Snape pushed himself into her mind, over and over again.

Even when he couldn't see those memories, she could. They'd always be with her, no matter how good she got at pretending otherwise.

His theory had been right, in a way. She'd gotten better at blocking him when her desperation took over, a will to keep those intimate moments to herself as best as possible. Yet the effort that it had taken had worn her down, causing her body to feel like puddy as she dragged herself onto her broom.

"You don't look like you're in flying shape, Lux," James said, hopping on his own broom to catch up with her as she rushed into the sky.

"I'm fine," she insisted, only for her broom to jerk awkwardly once she'd found herself twenty or so feet in the air.

James didn't look convinced, rushing over with an arm outstretched, as if prepared to catch her if she'd slipped. Wincing as he watched her struggle to hold on, he called out, "You've got to get better control of it. You'll fly right off otherwise."

"I'm fine," she insisted once again, teeth gritted.

James bit down on his lip, flying slightly above her, head shifting towards the rest of the team, who had flown towards him now that Lux had joined.

"Alright, everyone. I want chasers practicing with passing. I'll join you in a bit. Dorcas, you're going to do laps around the pitch, time yourself. The faster the better. Cresswell, I want you practicing blocking — charm a Quaffle to come at you, if you need help with the spell let me know. And beaters, you're going to practice with bludgers. Just hitting them while in the air, nothing too special. Be sure not to send them flying towards any of us."

Lux resisted the urge to look at Sirius, who was now hovering on the other side of James, beater bat in hand.

"Aye aye, captain!" Dirk Cresswell said with an enthusiastic salute, earning a funny look from Dorcas and the other chaser — a girl Lux didn't know the name of.

"Ready?" Sirius had flown over to her side, where her broom was still wobbling from beneath her. While he was grinning, she didn't miss the strain in his lips, a struggle to maintain his facade of happiness.

She nodded, keeping her gaze fixed on the bludgers James had dragged out of the trunk beneath them, now wizzing in the air.

"Let's see who can hit them further," Sirius challenged.

Her broom lurched.

"Woah, woah, you alright?" The hand that he didn't have holding the bat went to grab the nose of her broom, holding it tight in an attempt to steady it.

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" She demanded, voice growing louder than she intended. "I'm fine."

"Your broom is jerking about like you're shaking. Lux, you need to—" he paused for a moment, moving to swipe at a bludger. "—focus. You'll fall off otherwise."

"I'm focused!" She snapped, harsher than she meant. Running a hand through her ponytail, she released a shuddering breath as Sirius gave her a look. "I'm just tired, okay?"

"If this is about—"

He was interrupted by her slamming her bat into a bludger, watching it soar halfway across the pitch, ramming itself into the edge of one of the hoops.

"Nice shot," he grinned at her, as her broom once again swung awkwardly in the air, a movement she hadn't attempted to make.

"Thanks," she murmured. Her broom shifted.

"Luxie," he breathed, expression slowly dimming into one of an uncharacteristic seriousness. "About last night—"

Her stomach churned, the embarrassment of the night prior rushing back to her. Maybe Sirius was right, maybe they did need to talk about it, yet the mere concept of discussing it made her want to throw up onto the ground beneath their brooms.

But from embarrassment came anger, just as hot and steadfast.

Philip had taken enough from her as it was. Why was it he got this, too? Why was it he got to invade her intimacy? These were boys she loved, and because of the ghost of a man who'd once hurt her, she'd never be able to fully and completely be with them.

She knew they'd never view her the same. That she'd forever be fragile in their eyes, someone they need to walk on eggshells around in regards to sex. Lux would rather not have them at all then have a version of them where they lived in fear of her, of what could happen if they set her off.

She didn't want to be a liability.

"I've already apologized. I don't want to talk about it more."

He blinked. "Apologized?"

"For ruining it."

His lips parted, but he swiftly got distracted by plummeting his bat towards the incoming bludger, shifting his broom ever so slightly to get a good angle at it.

"You didn't ruin anything," he told her, breath heavy. Lowering his voice, he said, "You were a hostage for three hundred years. Neither Remus or I expect you to act like everything is fine constantly."

Hostage. She'd never thought of it like that. Never realized the invisible chains she so often felt adorned on her wrists could possibly exist. She'd known there was no leaving — Titus had made that mistake, and paid with his life for it.

But the phrasing of hostage had a certain connotation to it she'd never considered. A reminder of her lack of consent, that she'd never truly had a say. Never had control.

Gathering herself, she said, "You shouldn't have to worry about upsetting me. You should have a girlfriend who isn't afraid of her own shadow, let alone some stupid blood on someone's lips."

"Stop that. We want you, as you are. Nothing more, nothing less." His free hand found hers, bridging the gap between them on their respective brooms. While the better half of her knew it would be best to pull away, she didn't, opting to melt into his touch.

Lux only pulled away as a bludger approached, moving to swing at it.

Her broom lurched.

She missed, the bludger avoiding her shoulder by mere centimeters. When it came back, Sirius sent it flying into the distance with the simple wave of his bat, before her broom gave another sudden shift.

This time, she could barely hold on, gripping onto the post with all her might.

"Hey, hey, hold on!" Sirius grabbed hold of her, keeping her from plummeting off entirely. James, who had been coaching Dorcas with something at the other end of the pitch, frowned as he glanced at them.

He told something to the seeker, before pulling away, flying over to where Lux's broom had begun to shake.

"Everything alright?"

"Something's wrong with her broom," Sirius panted, trying to hit bludgers away with one hand while holding onto her with the other. Sweat had already begun to run down his face, the effort of multitasking clearly taking a toll on him.

Lux, on the other hand, was so busy trying to stay upright, she barely acknowledges James's arrival.

The Quidditch captain pulled out his wand, aiming them at the bludgers and with a silent spell, their rushing movements through the air had come to a sudden stop.

"Thanks, Prongs," Sirius grinned at him, though it faltered when her broom did another odd jerking movement, causing the previously silent Lux to yelp.

Sirius grabbed hold of both her shoulders, which were shaking with effort and fear as she glanced down at the ground below them. Would the fall kill her? Could vampires die from a fall?

"I think it's jinxed," James breathed after a second.

Sirius's head snapped towards him. "Jinxed?"

"I've never seen a broom act like this," he admitted. "Lux, are you listening?"

She gave him a weak nod, afraid if her lips parted, she'd throw up.

"I'm going to bring you to the ground, got it? Sirius, go tell the others that practice is canceled until we confirm the rest of the brooms are safe."

The sound of air rushing indicated Sirius had flown away, leaving James alone with Lux, who was already reeling at the loss of her boyfriend's steady hands keeping her safe. She didn't trust herself to keep her body upright — though James was holding her within seconds.

His hands gripped beneath her shoulders, like a parent trying to lift up their child, and she nearly squirmed at the contact.

"Do you trust me?"

"Do I have a choice?" She whispered back, her dead heart pounding.

Seconds later, she was in the air, her broom no longer sandwiched between her legs.

James was carrying her — physically carrying her, a few inches across the sky until she was seated on his broom. It was impossible not to squirm at the contact, hating the feeling of his skin on hers, yet knowing it was the difference between her living and her becoming a pancake on the ground, every bone in her body broken.

The broom wavered a bit, adjusting to her weight, as James slowly lowered them both to the ground. With every second that went by, Lux tightened her grip on James, her arms wrapped around his torso and her eyes closed as she willed herself to not look down.

A laugh, and then, "You can let go now. Unless you're trying to get Lily all pissed off."

She practically leaped away from him, stumbling backwards and onto the grass as she missed her footing.

"Sorry," she muttered, though she wasn't quite sure if he could hear her from her position. "I didn't...sorry."

James tossed his broom to the side, watching it land on the grass with a dull thud, before reaching for his wand and casting a spell on her own broom. It was still hovering in the air, jerking about with a much more significant intensity than before. As its movements stilled, James turned around, walking over towards where Lux lounged on the ground, stretching his hand down and motioning for her to grab hold of him.

She accepted his offer without a second thought, reemerging on her feet and dusting the bits of grass off of her clothes with the palms of her hands.

"Thanks," she breathed.

A cheeky smile was all he gave in response.

Then, just as she went to search the sky for Sirius, did she see it. A figure rushing down from the stands, hair whipping about in the wind as they frantically made their way into the pitch.

For a moment, panic seized in Lux's chest. As her vision cleared, though, the anxiety ebbed away, a smile sliding onto her lips.

"Is that—" James began, though Lux cut him off, finishing with a soft smile, "Emmeline."

By the time Emmeline had reached the two, she was out of breath, clearly struggling to speak clearly between her heavy exhales. "Fuck, I heard...something about a jinx...are you alright?"

Lux nodded, struggling to settle the racing of her heart. "I'm fine. Thanks."

Her lips twitched.

James cleared his throat. "Were you watching our practice? Because I don't think that's allowed."

"I'm not spying for Ravenclaw. It's for the Hogwarts Press," Emmeline said quickly, her cheeks a twinge red. "I'm doing an article on all the teams and how they practice. Or, as it seems, gets their brooms jinxed. You don't mind if I write about it, do you Lux?"

"We should keep it quiet," James said for her, giving Lux a glance. "Assuming it was who we think it was who did it."

She grimaced, hating how she knew exactly who she'd been thinking. "How would they know which broom I fly? We haven't even played a game yet," was what Lux responded with, frowning.

A shrug. "Who knows? Maybe they've been spying."

"Who?" Emmeline pressed, hand twitching from where it clutched her notebook beneath her arm.

"No comment." James mustered a grin that didn't meet his eyes, as his hand reached out to grab onto Lux's arm. "Come on, we should get going. Report this to McGonagall."

"Can we get a comment from you, Miss Erzsebet?" Emmeline called out as they began to walk away,

Lux stopped in her tracks, turning around. "Miss Erzsebet?"

"I'm on the record. Have to be professional," Emmeline explained, a hint of red beading at her cheeks.

"It's a school newspaper," James said incredulously.

"Yes, and I take my job very seriously," Emmeline responded with a sharp nod. "Now, Miss Erzsebet, a statement?"

She glanced at James, who shook his head, then back at the eager Emmeline. "I'm excited for my turn on the Quidditch season. How's that?"

She grinned. "Well, it's not related to your broom, but I suppose it'll do. Thanks, Lux!"

"Shouldn't we go change out of our uniforms?" Lux asked. James was in the process of tugging at her arm again, pulling her towards the castle with enough effort that she nearly stumbled over her feet.

He shook his head, continuing his relentless yanking on her. When they were engulfed in the walls, he released her, as if he was afraid she would bolt prior to their arrival.

Alongside the need to undress out of her Quidditch uniform, Snape's reminder burned in her mind, to ask James about borrowing his cloak, but before she could get a word out regarding either subject, he was speaking, diverting her attention away from what she was about to request.

"You're friends with Emmeline Vance, then?" His words came out strained, and she found her brow furrowing together.

"Is that a problem?"

Despite his silence, the wariness in his expression answered her question.

"James," she urged. "What's wrong with Emmeline? She seems nice."

"She is," he said, a bit too fast. "I mean, I've never really spoken much to her. But...she was a right jerk to Sirius."

Lux couldn't help the look of disbelief she gave him. "She was mean to Sirius? Why?"

James scratched the back of his neck, contemplating how to go about his wording. "Not even mean, per se. Just...odd. Listen, Sirius has always been pretty public about his sexuality. Since fourth year, when he realized the mean words he'd get were worth pissing off his parents."

Lux gulped.

"Vance, she was just...weird, about it. They weren't exactly friends, but after it got out that he was seeing Lockhart, she wouldn't go near him. Wouldn't even look at him. In Potions, which they'd been partners for, she even asked to switch for the year."

It felt like she'd been punched in the gut, the air she'd collected ripped out of her lungs. "Oh."

"Yeah." They turned down the bend of the hallway. "Listen, Lux, I'm not going to tell you who you can and can't be friends with. I don't think Sirius gave a damn about it, not then or now. And to be fair, she was fourteen years old. We've all grown since then. But...I'd be careful with what you tell her in regards to what you have going on with Sirius and Remus. For more than one reason."

"I will," Lux promised.

It wasn't okay, she was well aware of that. But Lux could also comprehend that Emmeline had been young, a child, without the knowledge of how relationships differed from each other. It would've been hypocritical to judge her, anyways, not after the flurry of mistakes she'd made throughout her years.

Then, "I'm sure she's changed. She's been nothing but kind to me."

"Does she know about your relationship?"

She shook her head, gulping. "I won't tell her. It's not like we go around telling people in general. The only people who know figured it out on their own."

James released a soft laugh. "Sirius told me that you told Ingelger."

"I did," Lux admitted. "But that was different. It doesn't count. He's..."

His brows lifted when she trailed off. "He's what?"

"The closest I've got to family," was what she settled on.

"He's your father," James concluded.

"No," Lux argued, though her tone lacked the desired affect. "My father is Sandor Erzsebet. He's long dead."

James shook his head. "It's not all about genetics. Sirius's father isn't Orion Black, even though it's his genes he's got. His dad is my dad, and his mum is my mum."

She suddenly found herself close to tears.

James was right, and she loved and hated it in the same breath. She hated that reliance, that craving she felt towards a parental figure in any way she could find it — Fulk, Effie, Fleamont, even a tug towards the kindness Professor McGonagall had shown her. The last time she'd ached for a parent that was not her own, it had gotten her into a three hundred year long mess she still found herself running from, slowly picking up the pieces.

But Fulk wasn't Philip. She'd known that for longer than she'd cared to admit. And now, his absence hurt just as much as she once found herself wishing for Mary Erzsebet, in the early days of the Coven.

"I miss him," she mustered, struggling to keep her voice from breaking.

"He'll be back soon," James promised. For some reason, something in her believed him, a weight in her chest shifting.

The silence that had fallen between them was not long lived, as James turned to look at her again. "So, what's going on with you and your boyfriends?"

"What do you mean?" Her voice was an octave higher than intended, and she cringed the moment she spoke.

"You know what I mean."

"I just...embarrassed myself around them," she said, twisting her hands together. "Like today, with flying about like an idiot on that broom. I just looked like a fool then, and I looked like a fool in front of them."

James, for some reason, didn't seem convinced, brow furrowing together. "Well first off, that broom was totally jinxed, and I'll be reporting it to McGonagall when I can. And how do you mean, looked bad in front of them? Is that even possible?"

She shook her head, though when she spoke, it felt like a lie. "It doesn't matter."

An inhale seemed to shake through his body. "Of course it matters, Lux. They're my best mates, and you're my friend. Sister, practically, since I'm pretty sure my mum wants to adopt you."

She kept quiet, the only sound being the echoing of her footsteps as they bounced off the hallway.

"Whatever it was that happened, it can't have been that bad. I mean, those two have known each other for seven years. Certainly they've seen each other in much more embarrassing situations than whatever it was you did."

The subtle upward twitch of her lips was enough for James to break out into a smile, arm swinging over her shoulder and hugging her close to him. Brotherly, she thought, instinctively leaning into his touch. This was what it was like to have a brother, a feeling she'd forgotten long ago.

"See, I told you. It'll be fine."

She nodded.

"What did you do anyways? Piss yourself? Can vampires piss?"

"No and yes — and keep your voice down!"

James snorted, releasing the grip he'd had around her shoulder. "What was it, then?"

Lux thought about it, really, truly gave it some consideration. Half of her thought that perhaps James already knew — that between Lily, Remus and Sirius carrying her past with Philip, one of them might have told him by now.

Either way, she'd decided that by now, she could trust James Potter, in the same way she could trust the woman who had given him life.

"I had a panic attack," she settled on. "And looked really fucking dumb."

Not a second was wasted before he was shaking his head. "No, that's impossible."

"It's impossible that I'd had a panic attack?"

"No, it's impossible that they'd be jerks about it."

"They haven't been jerks about it," Lux corrected, stumbling over her words to defend them. "But they should be. They have every right to be. I was acting bizarre. I looked so stupid, I don't even want to look at them, it's so..."

"Hey." A hand was on her shoulder, gently squeezing. "Whatever it was about, no one's blaming you. I can promise you that much. And if you want to tell me, I'm here to listen."

She bit down on the side of her cheek hard enough that the tangy taste of blood was seeping onto her tongue. "It won't do any good."

"I could help provide some perspective." James shrugged. "It's your choice, of course. If you'd rather not, that's fine."

It was that choice, the offer to allow her to refuse him that had Lux enticed to speak of it in the first place. Something about knowing she could say no, that he wouldn't fault her for it, had her more willing to speak on Philip than she ever had been prior.

Glancing around the hallway to confirm they were alone, she began with an almost simple, "You remember Philip?"

A frown crossed his face. "The leader of that Coven thing? The one you...er..."

"Killed?" She offered.

"Well, I wasn't sure if saying that would upset you."

She stifled a laugh as they turned the corner, hands tucked into her pocket as she considered if she truly wished to speak of this to James. If she could trust him like she did Remus, Sirius and Lily.

Moving to adjust her glasses, she gulped, expression reverting to a serious one. "He was abusive, when I was in the Coven. That's why I killed him. And when I had the panic attack, I was thinking about him. About what he'd do."

She watched as his hands went to his hair, running through his locks as a deep breath had him shuddering. "Shit, Lux, tell me he didn't."

Lux was so used to dimming down the levels of her abuse, pretending to others that it wasn't as severe as she knew it truly was. It was meant to comfort her, but wound up wearing her down, gaslighting her own mind into believing the autocracies committed against her weren't as horrible as she recalled.

It was exhausting, and not to mention a lie. She was so tired of lying.

"Whatever you're thinking, it was probably worse."

James paled, then went red, a dozen different emotions flashing across his expression within the seconds of silence that went by. Then, "Why didn't you tell me before?"

"Well, we weren't exactly friends. I thought you hated my guts for ages."

"Right." He released a breath, hands fiddling in his lap as his footsteps grew slower. "Right, yeah, that makes sense. Well, I never hated you. I didn't like the way you treated Lily, but I've never hated you. If anything, I felt a bit bad for you, that you couldn't just accept people's love. It was sad."

A pang of regret slammed into her, telling her she'd made a mistake in opening up to James. "Don't. I don't want pity."

"It's not pity. But it's natural. Even before knowing this, it was obvious something bad had happened to you. I...I never guessed this, though. I thought maybe you'd been bullied at a different school or something, or maybe about your mum...no matter. I'm sorry. I should've figured it out. I should've guessed. I should've—"

"James," she cut him off. "It wasn't your job to play mind reader."

"I'm meant to be your friend," he argued. "Friends figure these things out. Friends aren't stupid."

"You are my friend. You've given me the benefit of the doubt when I didn't deserve it, and for that I'll always be grateful for. And you're one of only a handful of people who know, if that's something that concerns you. I promise, James, I didn't mean to...I don't know, be dishonest about it."

"It wasn't dishonesty. I'm not upset with you. I just feel...I feel like I wish I could do something about it. I wish I could fix it somehow."

She understood that more than anything, the resigned helplessness that nothing anyone said or did could ever undo it. Ever make her forget. She'd seen it on Fulk's expression every time Philip emerged in their conversations back in the cabin. Lux hadn't understood it then, but she did now — Fulk would've given up everything to undo Philip's touch.

James sniffed. "And Sirius and Remus know?"

She nodded. "I told them after Mathilde broke in to your home."

"Who else knows?"

"Fulk, Lily, Mary and Marlene. And you, now." More than a handful, Lux realized as she spoke their names, each one signaling an ounce of trust she'd allowed herself to feel, to put out in the world and pray for its safe keepings. "And I suppose I should tell Dorcas soon. It feels like I'm leaving her out if I don't, and she's not done anything wrong."

She opted not to tell James about Elias — or who he would know as Professor Hyde, and how he was truly the first person she'd ever told. That could be a story for another day.

A hand found hers. James, holding down tight, entwining their fingers. "Thank you for telling me. And if there's a way I can make it better, let me know."

Lux knew he wouldn't be able to handle the truth — that no one could ever begin to make it better. That it was her and her alone who could embark on that journey.

So, she smiled. "I will."

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .*:☆ﾟ. ───

okay so a couple things! first, i posted early because i got bored and also i'm anxiously awaiting posting the chapter *hint hint wink wink nudge nudge*. a few more filler/fluff/unrelated plot :) i'm sorry again how drawn out this story is ahaha, i kind of get carried away with random subplots and character dynamics (like lux and james!!! loving writing them, btw!!!) and forget there's an actual plot i need to follow LMFAO

ANYWAYS! how do we feel about this chapter length? this was technically two chapters i combined into one, i kind of want to experiment with longer chapters, let me know if you prefer this length or the length of the previous chapters!!!

that's all, tysm for reading as always <3 ily all

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .*:☆ﾟ. ───