Shapeshifter: [Transforms to look like Kaden,]

Kaden: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag a comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.

∆∆∆∆

Betty: I have been tricked, I have been backstabbed, and I have quite possibly been bamboozled.

Mint: What did you think a mountain chicken looked like?

∆∆∆∆

Tulip: And I’d love to be sorry for that, but we all know I’ve done much, much worse.

∆∆∆∆

Betty: To everyone who has treated me poorly; I am sexier than you.

∆∆∆∆

Kaden: Which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?

Mint: Neither.

Mint: Because it's twelve.

Kaden: Fuck you, i can't even--

∆∆∆∆

Kaden: Are they stupid?

Mint: Yes, but they prefer to be called Tulip.

∆∆∆∆

Stranger: Are you this rude to everyone?!

Mint: Yup.

Mint: Don't think you're special.

∆∆∆∆

Kaden: I think that's got to be the craziest thing I've ever seen you guys do.

Mouse: Last week I watched Tulip jump off of a spinning chair blindfolded and got stuck through a wall. Luckily, they weren't hurt that badly. But the whole time, Mara was screaming for additional help, which caused Mint to run in to help Tulip after she fished her kitten from the tailpipe of her car. Just note that all of this happened in the span of six minutes.

Kaden:

Kaden: Where were--

Kaden: Where were the adults???

Mouse: Mum was in Australia. Tony burned himself with a balloon full of gas.

Kaden: Holy shit--

∆∆∆∆

Mint, to Mouse: ...And I need you and Mara to help, and by "help" I mean "do everything."

∆∆∆∆

Tulip: If it pleases the court I would like to say that my opponent is TALKING SHIT!

Betty: :)

∆∆∆∆

Kaden: So... what’s goin’ on?

Mint: You want the long version or the short version?

Kaden, hesitantly: The short one, I guess?

Mint: Shit’s fucked.

Kaden: Oh. Well, yeah, that’s definitely not an optimal situation.

∆∆∆∆

Tulip: Now, the recipe calls for 2 shots of vodka.

Tulip: [Upends the bottle,]

Mint, whisper-yelling to Mouse: Damnit! Who the fuck brought this bitch vodka?!

Kaden, standing by:

Kaden: Oop--

∆∆∆∆

Tulip: They say that the most valuable things cost nothing.

Mint: They also say that being cheap is an annoying trait, so don’t overuse that excuse.

∆∆∆∆

Tulip: Mint, what are you doing?

Mint: Making chocolate pudding.

Tulip: It's four in the morning, why are you making chocolate pudding?

Mint: Because I've lost control of my life.

Mint: Here's your pudding, Betty.

Betty: Oh that's okay, I'm not hungry anymore.

∆∆∆∆

Mint, texting Mouse: Roses are red, Tony Hawk is a skater…

Mouse′s phone, auto-replying: I’m driving right now–I’ll get back to you later.

[Later,]

Mouse, texting back: Fuck you.

∆∆∆∆

Tulip, admiring a sleeping Mara: You’re so cute.

Mara, sleepily: I could beat your ass.

Tulip, lovingly: I know.

∆∆∆∆

Mint: A mouse!

Mara, pulling out a knife: Go back to where you came from or I'll evict you from life.

Mouse, pulling out a frying pan: It'll make a nice meal!

Tulip, giving the mouse cheese: You deserve a treat, little guy.

Betty, gasping: It's Ratatouille!

Kaden: His name is Remi, dummy.

Vanessa: Mouse! It's your relative!

Mint: ...I was going to say to just trap it and throw it out the window... what is wrong with you people.

∆∆∆∆

Tulip: Where are my fucking keys?

Mouse: Tulip, Kaden is around, can you say it a little nicer?

Tulip: May I ascertain the whereabouts of my FUCKING KEYS?!

∆∆∆∆

Betty: Someone care to explain why we have 6 dogs in our apartment?

Vanessa: They're golden retrievers, dude. They retrieve gold. I did this for us.

∆∆∆∆

Kaden: When I was a kid, Mouse told me that the paper strip that’s in the chocolate kisses were edible and I ate them with the chocolate for a year.

Vanessa: They are!

Kaden: FOR REAL?

Vanessa: No! Why did you fall for it again?

∆∆∆∆

Vanessa: I have seen a lot of murders in my time, and all six of them were today.

Tulip, covered in "ketchup": Oooh, spooky

∆∆∆∆

Kaden: Happy October 32nd! Second Halloween!

Tulip: That doesn't exist.

Kaden: Not with that attitude.

∆∆∆∆

Mouse: This was almost a great idea.

Tulip: You just described 90% of our stuff.

∆∆∆∆

Mara: Underestimate me. That'll be fun.

∆∆∆∆

Mouse: Problem, I can't tell if this food is over-sauced or undercooked.

Vanessa: Solution, just pop it back in the oven for another 10 minutes. There's at least a 50% chance that'll fix it, right?

Tulip: Result? Food has somehow become unpleasantly soggy and unpleasantly crunchy at the exact same time.

Kaden: No better time than this to pull out my favorite word! Slunchy!

Mara: ...put it away.

∆∆∆∆

Mint, to Betty: Are you a peanut? Because I want to boil you alive.

∆∆∆∆

Tulip: So I was just having a conversation with Vanessa about Star Wars; particularly, about the choice of architecture. The amount of people who die from falling down bottomless pits is TOO DAMN HIGH! Like, who designs architecture like this? Catwalks with no guard rails whatsoever, just zigging and zagging through enormous voids. Giant holes to nowhere!

Vanessa: It's by design. It's a cleaner look, for a more elegant time.

Tulip: Like... who the fuck put this hole here???? And why????

Vanessa: Exhaust?

Tulip: Darth Maul falls down a hole, Palpatine falls down a hole, Solo falls down a hole, everyone falls down a hole! Star Wars universe needs OSHA.

Vanessa: Luke falls down a hole, Boba Fett falls down a hole…

Tulip: Yes, yes, I forgot about those! R2-D2 falls down a hole in the Millenium Falcon after he fixes the hyperdrive.

Vanessa: We're onto something here!

Tulip: Obi-Wan almost falls down a hole.

Vanessa: C-3PO falls off the barge into the sand. Pretty close to falling down a hole.

Tulip: His lightsaber does though.

[Vanessa thinks hard about what other Star Wars Characters fall down holes,]

Tulip: What if the hole is symbolic? The hole represents the dark side.

Vanessa: Nah, doesn't work. Luke chooses to fall down the hole instead of joining Vader/The Dark Side.

Tulip: Fair point.

∆∆{END}∆∆