Author: Dalyaalsammari

Blurb: 

"It's midnight, the time of the wolves, of danger and dark.

One day safety will cover the land, but that day has not come.

A world full of life, the world of a second.

A thousand pleas to a thousand moons.

Apologies never accepted.

Until the day she shall return."

Hailey "Hail" Fawn doesn't know it yet, but she has the power to destroy. She was adopted by a woman named Laura Fawn and left with only a ring from her birth parents. Hail isn't the brightest 16-year-old girl as people would say. That causes her to end up having to go to a boarding school for troubled teens. There she will discover that not everything is as it seems. Hail might be the key to destroy the kingdom of her parent's enemy.

Title:

Honestly, the title made me think of Catholicism because of hail Mary and all that. I know that it can be totally different since this is a fantasy book, but that was my first thought, haha.

Cover:

If this was a nice romance story, this cover would fit. But I would definitely not recommend it for fantasy. I appreciate the type being clear to see, but the image with the girl and the flowers doesn't give off a fantasy vibe at all and I would suggest you find someone to make a better cover if you want to effectively attract readers. ;)

Blurb:

I know I'm not a fan of book quotes at the beginning of blurbs, but I actually really liked this one. It was my favorite part of your blurb. That being said, the rest of your blurb could use a bit of tweaking. It just seems rather bland and following a typical YA/coming of age story. I would suggest vamping up the danger aspect of it. For instance, maybe not tell us she has the power to destroy, or at least not in that wording. Otherwise it feels boring. Always try to dramatize it, even to the point of over-doing it. It might help you a lot, you never know. As it is, the last line of your blurb and the second line were the best parts of your blurb. Try to work on it to make sure it's even and exciting all the way through.

Preface:

This feels more like a book trailer than anything else. I like the poem and the layout of this preface, even though I'm not a fan of present-tense stories. But these sections in between the rhyme feel too short to really be of any good. My personal suggestion would to be to write out the whole scene (remember to show, not tell) and then have someone say the rhyme at some point in the scene. That is more traditional and would probably have more of an impact in the story. My last critique is that a preface is "a preliminary statement or essay introducing a book that explains its scope, intention, or background and is usually written by the author," according to dictionary.com. In other words, your preface is a prologue, not a preface, and it's probably best if you change that, especially if you're looking to publish it in the future.

Chapter 1:

I get teen fic vibes from this rather than fantasy. Even though Hail is going to a type of prison/boarding school than college. I would really encourage you to always show, not tell, when it comes to your descriptions, and don't describe things unless they're an important part of your story. For instance, when you describe Hail, you jumped purple-prose style using the mirror-technique which is overused and I would definitely encourage you to to cut. Don't describe her so much all at once and try to find another way to describe her face/eyes without using a mirror. It's overdone and people are tired of it. Maybe have one of the new kids at the school compliment her eyes or something instead. I noticed you also have some dialogue and then describe people afterwards. Try experimenting with describing people before they speak, or introduce their looks little by little in conversation so it feels more natural than an info-dump.

My other issue with this chapter are the punctuation errors and formatting issues. Many times you would have actions from two or more characters in the same paragraph. Always remember that a new action or topic of thought begins a new paragraph.

For example, 'I hug Lucas, he says,

"Make sure to tell me everything when you come back for the holidays."'

It should be instead,

'I hug Lucas.

'He says, "Make sure to tell me everything when you come back for the holidays."'

Or something along those lines. This happened more than once so I would encourage you to proof-read your book and fix those errors. 

Another thing is your repetition of "she says, I say, I ask, she asks," going on. Feel free to use a thesaurus to get creative with your dialogue tags. It would definitely spice up your story a lot more!

Chapter 2:

Again, I would recommend you fix the formatting issues and use something other than "says, I tell them, she tells," dialogue tags. They get very old after awhile.

My biggest issue with this chapter was mostly grammar-related.

For example, '"I'm Ramona Zefler." Says the girl with the black hair.'

It should be, '"I'm Ramona Zefler," says the girl with the black hair.'

If you ever get confused as to what's the correct way to use dialogue tags, you can always google it. There's a lot of good sites online that explain it.

Another issue is the telling instead of showing. Example: '"Give that back now." I give him my signature death stare that means I'm dead serious.'

You can just say that Hail is glaring at him and have a character comment about it instead of telling it through Hail's POV. Otherwise it feels a bit ridiculous. Because if you're glaring at someone, are you thinking, "wow, I'm glaring at them, they better understand how mad I am at them right now." It just doesn't feel very natural to your story and risks making it stilted.

Always remember to show, not tell.

Overall:

Your story honestly feels more teen fic than fantasy. I didn't read far enough to see where the fantasy parts come into the story, but I would definitely encourage you to add more of them in the beginning to make this a truly fantasy book.

My main thoughts are for you to fix your formatting and punctuation errors, and to always show, not to tell. There are instances when it's okay to tell, but most of the time, you'll be way better off showing. ;)