Author: elysianwinds

Blurb:

The Elysides- Humanoid creatures blessed with supernatural gifts; the wielders of magic and agents of nature, living in secret, far away from humans, yet steering and governing over the balance of creation and life itself. 

Perhaps that was why fourteen year old Jeremy Saltzman had never seen or heard of such people, and perhaps it was why he was so surprised when one of them swooped into his life on the very night his father was murdered in the spring of 1864, just to bring him back to his rightful home, away from everything he had ever known. 

Jeremy adapted as well as anyone whose life had been flipped upside down could. But there is danger ahead, and somehow, only Jeremy and his new found friends are aware of it. As children of the Noble Council, they are determined to rescue their community from the evil that lurks in the shadows, but as friends turn out to be enemies, and peril turning more menacing than ever, will they be able to complete his mission? Or will they perish in doing so?

Title: 

Your title is great: it's short, concise, and original.

However, I believe that it can be something more impactful after reading a portion of the story. Perhaps it can be a unique event that happened or a special element in your story. That is up to you to decide though, after all, your title is already good enough.

Also, consider switching from bold and italic to normal font, as it's inconsistent and displeasing to the eye (the simpler the better).

Cover: 

Your cover is pretty good. I like how it matches the themes of your story (e.g. mystery). Besides, one connotation I had in mind when I saw the cover's frame was "Entanglement of fate." It could link back to Jeremy's new fate and his destiny as he walks down the path of magic.

Even though the second cover was more elegant, it was more implicit in its connotations, which makes it a bit harder to relate to or connect to (before reading the story). On the other hand, the light-casting in the current one was slightly off, so for me both are nearly equal overall. So far so good.

Blurb: 

On the other hand, your blurb suffers greatly and brings readers' first impressions down, so let's analyze what's happening here.

The first paragraph of your blurb is great: it defines the term "Elysides," establishes the context, and provides us with additional background information. Just replace the semicolon with a colon, as the semicolon needs a complete sentence after it. The next paragraph, however, is the problem.

First paragraph (with colon instead of semicolon):

"The Elysides—Humanoid creatures blessed with supernatural gifts: the wielders of magic and agents of nature, living in secret, far away from humans, yet steering and governing over the balance of creation and life itself."

Second paragraph:

"[1] Perhaps that was why fourteen year old Jeremy Saltzman had never seen or heard of such people, [2] and perhaps it was why he was so surprised when one of them swooped into his life on the very night his father was murdered in the spring of 1864, just to bring him back to his rightful home, away from everything he had ever known."

The second paragraph is a single long, hard-to-read sentence, with confusing phrases making the sentence very difficult to comprehend—unless we re-read the sentence multiple times.

[1] Referencing a minor detail: After re-reading your blurb 4-5 times, I presume you referenced "far away from humans" when you said "perhaps that was ... seen or heard," and that was the mistake. It's a mistake because you simply referenced a minor detail that we read, didn't heed, and forgot. After all, you did place it in between extra details, so it was both squished and not at the end—meaning you can't reference it in the next paragraph.

To correct that, you just need to either rephrase the first paragraph to make "far away..." a complete sentence at the end, or you simply mention "far away" in your second paragraph.

[2] Dumping of information (Type 1): The reader, while reading [2], will find difficulty in digesting the contents of the sentence; they will find themselves reading too much when they have only read a single sentence.

Because it will take a lot of sentences and words to describe the issue, I thought of writing you a sample paragraph.

This example assumes that you have changed the first paragraph to correct the "referencing error." Other options are also feasible; this is just an example.

Sample edit: "Perhaps that was why fourteen-year-old Jeremy Saltzman had never seen or heard of such people; perhaps it was why he was so surprised when one of them swooped into his life on the very night his father was murdered. The mysterious man had claimed to bring him back to his rightful home—away from everything he had ever known."

You can still change some ideas—it's never too late.

Dumping of information (Type 2): Your third BP (body paragraph) did the same mistake but in a slightly different way. Here you simply have some contrasting ideas that don't always seem to connect and/or leave the author with questions that are not necessarily left out of curiosity.

Qs (notes) [correction/suggestion]

Did jeremy adapt or did he not? (he didn't, and your sentence was somewhat clear, but the following sentences just moved on—not everyone might get that) [add 'tried/attempted']

Wait, they are part of the Noble Council now? (You moved from Elysides → Appearance of a man → Father's death → Attempting to adapt and gaining friends → Noble Council?) [Omit some ideas and try to pick only the interesting ones: keep the motion smooth]

Wah, slow down. Now his friends became enemies too? Isn't it a bit too much to mention in a blurb? (Try only mentioning what might hook the reader and give them a complete idea) [Rewrite the blurb with less information-feeding and more withholding]

Mission? Perish? (I don't know what the mission is, but that's another question that isn't curiosity anymore) [Omit]

To sum up, I am going to write you a sentence a fellow reviewer said once: "Establish your character, the setting, the stakes. Try to avoid being vague and cryptic. Sell us your book."

The burb is super important and very tricky to write, especially from the point of view of a writer; that is why I stressed on it.

Introduction: 

Remove the copyright and "pure coincidence" statements, as these are defaults Wattpad takes care of. It's good that you had character images only in your introduction and not also in your chapters. After all, written character descriptions are what you should be looking for if you seek the path of a writer. You can add interesting stuff about yourself here too.

When I start discussing certain characters in the chapter reviews and how they are portrayed in the story, I recommend checking out the Characters section alongside the chapter review—to be able to know what I exactly mean.

Chapter 1.1: 

I genuinely loved chapter 1.1, especially the vivid imagery and intricate W.B. (world building). Describing Jeremy's morning routine and his surroundings, setting the scene, and using specific vocabulary were extremely good approaches that made me love this chapter. The first few paragraphs gave me a homey feeling—which was very precious to me as a reader. Moreover, your style was vibrant and expressive; it was pretty good, which made the narration smooth and easily followed. Although there were instances of run-on sentences and slight grammatical mistakes, it didn't break or stop the flow: it just slowed and fluctuated the flow a bit. Plus, they can easily be corrected. I also sometimes got confused by the placement of the word "he," because you used it when there were two or more male characters that you mentioned/alternated between earlier in the text. Example: [BP 9, "he could have", change to "Jeremy could have"] (read it and see).

In addition, I noticed that Jeremy wasn't described as detailed as Frank Saltzman or Mr Kaminsky, which is worrying. Because Jeremy is someone who we will accompany along his undetermined journey, we need descriptions of his physique, emotional state, and engagement (feel free to add). Now, you might ask: "Why did I say that?" Well, simple. I sometimes did not feel like Jeremy existed: he became a spectator or a narrator rather than a main character—and this is a serious issue. So, how do you fix it? Take a day or two, as long as you need, and ask yourself this question: "Who is Jeremy Saltzman supposed to be?"

Is he nonchalant, or is he numbed from all the repressed emotions? Is he a neutral boy, or does he intercept fights/arguments to mediate the situation? Is he lazy, or does he simply not have much to do?

These simple questions (all questions you might think of, not just these) will help shape your character, and it will also help you revamp your chapters to include the new information needed to form Jeremy Saltzman, the Jeremy you know, in our heads.

Lastly, when you need to describe the characters, show as much as you tell us about them.

Telling: "He sighed at the sight of his mortal nemesis."

Showing: "His pupils sharpened and widened; his body shivered. The man in front of him roared with laughter."

Also, you had a tiny contradiction, as mentioned by others, the satchel had a glass of milk and not water. Oh, and the ending hook was nice.

Chapter 1.2: 

Narration is still good, and the style is consistent. However, I do see some gaps and cuts in your narration. You see, Frank Saltzman's death was evident and well-written, but Jeremy's reaction, given the time he had to process his father's death, was weird and unnatural. Even if he didn't like his father as much, because of the change his father underwent due to the accident, he is still a 14-year-old, and 14-year-olds freeze and cry when such events happen. You did attempt to show confusion, but it wasn't consistent (Jeremy's nonchalant response to Trevor's sudden appearance, and Jeremy's abrupt acceptance). Also, at the beginning of Jeremy's encounter with Trevor, Jeremy seemed to care more about the stool breaking than the appearance of the anonymous man, and that is definitely ... weird. As for the sadness, he did cry over his father's grave, but you do need some kind of smooth transition.

I suggest showing some form of internal conflict; I recommend placing it in the BP where he reacts to his father's death—make it clear too. Make it so that he doesn't "feel glad, yet still cry" he instead "has mixed feelings and the sadness overwhelms him in the end, yet he moves on" kind of thing—more powerful. Plus, when his father's death feels abrupt, it devalues his death's significance, and that isn't a good thing. Also, Trevor's "Umm" phrases incorrectly display his nature. After all, he is portrayed as strong and reliable.

Another confusing "he" usage. Ex. [BP 10, "Now that he ... felt was numbness"]. I think one "he" refers to Frank (no longer breathing) and the other to Jeremy (felt numbness). If you are unsure just add the name for clarity (While writing this document I replaced "he" by the noun a few times, as I noticed I was going to make the same mistake). Also, I suggest you make the chapter a bit longer.

Chapter 1.3: 

The beginning can feel weird and cropped if you didn't enhance the flow in Chapter 1.2 with Jeremy's decision and all. However, if we assume that the issue is fixed, we are yet on another exciting journey.

We are back to having a pretty good narration, and here we experience the first bits of fantasy (other than Trevor's fork control in Ch 1.2) with the "Taljat"—a magical beast used for transportation. Trevor again says "umm." If you wish to show stuttering/a pause in speech for a strong character, you may use "well," "..." or a mix of both—or even something in that realm. The point is that hearing "umm" from the bulky Trevor is just ... unsettling. In addition, I noticed you have this habit of saying "he would later learn that" and the such: I prefer mentioning it with an interaction, conversation, or a character guess/thought rather than simply intervening as an author.

On the other hand, I love the descriptions of the land, gates, and cobblestone paths, as these work as a great transition to Jeremy's arrival and entrance (and also adds some W.B.). Also, make this chapter a bit longer too, and maybe you can change the sentence in the first BP into this: "In fact, he couldn't think of anything as he gazed upon the sky and sighed, so he left empty-handed." It shows that he still has lingering feelings and unresolved thoughts, yet he moves on.

Chapter 1.4: 

In the first paragraph, you didn't explain who Abilene is; as readers, we assumed that she is the woman that warmly welcomed Jeremy at the end of the previous chapter. Moreover, the following events feel unjustified and a bit random: Why would Jeremy be angry when he should be curious? Why would Elder Hal entrust an entire family library (Halstead chronicles) instantly to Jeremy without testing him or asking Trevor about him? (include a reason) Why does Jeremy seem to be either hyper with "inquiries" or half-dead with responses like "I'm sorry"?

I suspect it's the problem of fleshing out one's story with minor story progressions that happen to fail expectations. In other words, these little events we add to build our plot piece by piece can start out difficult, yet you already have part 1 completed, meaning that you can do simple scan-and-edit over the chapters to fix these events.

On another note, the library and character descriptions were pretty and gave more life to the narration, yet you need more interaction and detail, as the chapter was short and less compelling than the rest of the chapters—readers will lose interest. I suggest you add more scenes and events that will both improve the narration and ease the flow of the story and its plot.

More fantasy elements show (library of spells).

Chapter 2.1: 

I enjoyed reading the narration, the detail, and the new character descriptions. Also, we finally get to see some magic and action. On another note, there were instances of confusion in both BP 4 and 6. The former made it seem as if Elder Hal's "radiance" was the reason why Jeremy felt uncomfortable and concerned, while it should be the meeting of new people—the second phrase you mentioned. Furthermore, the latter (BP 6) confused the reader on who is doing what—Sebastian also seemed to pop up out of nowhere. Nevertheless, I loved this chapter; It just needs further development in both length and depth, because I know from the skills you have shown us you are more than capable—you just need a tiny little push.

General Feedback: 

Your style was wonderful, especially in Ch1.1 and Ch2.1. Moreover, the chapters I have read have shown a strong command over the language and a diverse vocabulary, which is the basis of being a good writer. I also loved your descriptions and imagery; it filled some of the white spaces I had in my head as I was reading your story. Your writing style was consistent throughout, which made reading your story easy and more enjoyable.

However, as mentioned before, there were instances of grammatical mistakes and confusion, let alone missing descriptions. You need to flesh out the story more in some parts and fill out the missing details and interactions that you believe can make the story better and more in-depth.

In addition, the fantasy elements felt a bit slow, as in they came out a bit late after reading a bunch of chapters (which can be fine at times, but if you feel like that shouldn't have been the case then you need to add some form of transition showing more of these elements).

Chapters 1.2-1.4 can be greatly improved if you described more here and there. For example, you can talk more about Jeremy's inner thoughts when his father died, add more depth and complexity to his emotions (make him seem confused: angry, sad, and happy), add more interactions to Trevor and Jeremy, show more about Abilene and her hospitality to Jeremy, and most importantly... Jeremy's thoughts and actions about everything that's happening around him, not just merely obeying every uttered word and command, following around while reacting in the most minimal way possible; he needs to shine, and I need to see him, not see through him as a character.

Also, one way to check Jeremy's actions and see if they make sense, or they are just weird, you can place yourself in his shoes and laugh and cry as Jeremy is exposed to the events that you have written for him to go through.

Overall, very good!

Plot: 

You used a death trope at the very beginning and slightly foreshadowed it with the atmosphere around Jeremy's dad, in which although it is a common trope, I would say it was effectively used (not too effectively, but it was good). Also, as discussed earlier, Jeremy needs to show the emotional build up to satisfy the expectations of the readers. Unless, breaking expectations was intentional, but either way, the reaction must be justified in a way or another.

On another note, I enjoyed the details about the existence of the three founding family branches, the lore behind the Halstead chronicles, and Clementine's backstory (Jeremy's mother). However, they were a bit minimal and short; if you want, you can talk more about these little details and any detail you have in mind, you don't need to worry about blabbing or anything—the fine details can make a difference.

From what I noticed, the plot progression was held back by Frank's death and Jeremy's departure. In other words, I can be wrong but, I felt that you were writing to move away from the current situation and reach the part that I believe you enjoyed writing about (a part I too enjoyed reading)—chapter 2.1. That, in fact, could explain the lack of detail that you showed a bit towards the middle, in chapters 1.2-1.4. Either way, whether my speculations are correct or not, it's understandable. I just pointed it out in case that was an issue you overlooked.

Back to the plot itself. Your plot seems original and unique in many aspects, which is a great thing. Your plot just needs an extra layer of descriptions that can potentially clarify the plot's path and correct any abnormalities in its progression. Your style also did a good job at explaining your plot, after all, if your style was weak and incoherent, your plot might be perceived as boring or slow (which is not the case, the style just has a huge impact in these types of situations).

Characters: 

Your character interaction was variable across different characters. Leaving Jeremy aside, Jeremy's friends seemed to have the best interactions so far, with both natural speech patterns and engaging conversations and reactions. On the other hand, Frank, Thomas, Elder Hal, and Abilene had much less appealing conversations, which is fully understandable, yet I would be a bit disheartened if they don't reappear again in the following scenes with normal and natural dialogues similar to Jeremy's little gang—erm, except Frank... I don't think he has anything left to say...

Anyhow, here is a little list I compiled for the characters. These are tiny descriptions of what I think the characters seem to be; you can use this to your knowledge and compare it to what you have envisioned them to be (and possibly do changes accordingly if you wish).

Jeremy Saltzman/Halstead:

An average boy living only with an emotionally volatile father, due to an accident.

Jeremy appears to be a bit nonchalant and devoid of lively reactions, as he did not react normally in numerous situations (father's death, Trevors appearance).

Jeremy is trying to adapt to such a situation he was put in. He has yet to learn a spell and match his peers, and get used to his new life. He is now a Halstead

He seems ambitious, and has yet to shine.

Frank Saltzman:

Caring, yet emotionally unstable. He gets aggressive sometimes.

Seemed to have a weak relationship with Jeremy, and thus, he did not emotionally impact Jeremy greatly on his death.

Trevor Haymitch:

A mysterious man that seemed to know a little about Jeremy—he was a bit secretive.

He is portrayed as strong and dependable; he seems like a man you can trust on missions and the like.

I have a feeling he is going to rejoin Jeremy on his adventures.

Thomas:

Jeremy's previous childhood friend. He drastically changed as Jeremy did not spend as much time with him as he needed to be with his father, Frank, more due to the accident.

Currently leads a group and bullies people, including Jeremy.

I believe this character has the potential to grow into something much more important if he meets Jeremy again (maybe a revelation about magic affinity or something).

Elder Halstead:

Grandfather of Jeremy "Halstead."

At the beginning the grandfather seemed a bit solemn and nonchalant towards Jeremy's presence. However, he breaks character and tears in front of Jeremy as he shares some information about Jeremy's mother, Clementine.

As for both Sebastian and Ruby, they both well portrayed as friends and teammates. Also, as I mentioned previously, their conversations with Jeremy were way more natural than the rest of the characters.

Conventions: 

This section is purely for grammatical mistakes like comma splices, contractions, tense shifts, etc.

Chapter 1.1, BP 2: The sentence seems to be run-on, with simply too many phrases that aren't well combined. Split the sentence into 2 different sentences by using a period somewhere in the middle and express portion by portion rather than an entire scene in one sentence. Your phrases might be beautiful, but if they are enjambed together, they will seem awkward to read.

BP 9: As mentioned in Chapter 1.1's analysis, replace "he" by Jeremy to avoid evident confusion.

Chapter 1.2, BP 4: Your sentences seem to contain thoughts, yet they are expressed normally using the normal narration grammar, which is weird if not incorrect.

Pressing his ear against the door, Jeremy, with no doubt, senses more than one person in the room. (correct version)

BP 5: There was a silence ⟶ There was silence

The rest are either minor or follow in the same manner and can be corrected with a simple scan-and-edit, also do some of the suggested edits by fellow readers in the comment section of each chapter.

Wish List: 

The only three things I believe you need to add/improve are Jeremy's interactions and reactions, your detail-depth and description in short chapters, and run-on sentences that can unfortunately destroy some of the beautiful imagery and description.

I believe the rest can either follow with practice or are just too minor to point out. You did pretty well in this story.

Final Verdict: 

You have done pretty well, and I can say with confidence that you are a good writer and you have the ability to further improve way beyond this point.

I sincerely wish for you the best in your writing journey and I hope to see your style shine.

As for your story, would I continue reading it? Yes of course, if I can make some time for reading, your story will be one of those I will be reading.

I hope you found my review helpful, and good luck on your journey.