Author: FrejaSkarsgard

Blurb:

Someone is stealing Norðri's daughters. And Rádúlf will do anything to keep his daughter safe.Retired archer Rádúlf Radmarsson, known as the Frosttongued, has one duty, and one duty alone—protect his daughter, Ylva. When his town is attacked and the foreign soldiers steal the village's daughters, Rádúlf will do anything to keep Ylva from falling into enemy hands. But this may prove to be more difficult than it sounds, for Ylva is sick, and only King Terra may have the cure. 

Rádúlf sets out with his daughter, his cousin Viggo, and a Truthsayer boy named Tormod for Thiar, a kingdom that is overrun by Sahar. Assassins and spies lurk around every corner, and an old prophecy Rádúlf believed to just be a myth may turn out to be a deadly premonition as he is thrust into a war much bigger than he ever dreamed. 

Ancient bloodlines are reawakened, a slave turns into a spy, a boy learns to speak the tongue of dragons, and soldiers question their allegiance as the spark it lit and a peace that has lasted for five hundred years is shattered. 

The Ice Queen wants peace. The Fire King wants war. The people of Aion will have to choose a side. 

TITLE AND COVER

As this is a Nordic fantasy, I was not at all surprised to discover that it had a winter theme. Who doesn't love a tale of winter-hardened warriors, out in the endless permafrost with their horse-sized wolf? My problem with the title is the lack of originality. Sometimes it's best to write your story first before naming it, but in this case try to find something more meaningful until the time comes. Determine a theme in the plot and then go off of that. My point is, Ice and Snow just isn't a title that would catch my eye. If you need some inspiration, research a bit of Old Nordic lore and find something interesting that suits your story. The cover, however, is spot-on.

BLURB

"Someone is stealing Norðri's daughters. And Rádúlf will do anything to keep his daughter safe."

Let's talk about this first. When I read this line, you caught my attention, but the blurb does need some tweaking. Already, the synopsis is ominous and hints at things that shall come to pass, building up to ultimately come together at the climax. Hurray! Give yourself a pat on the back, because not many know how to properly do this. But everything always has room for improvement, and that's why I'm here, aren't you glad? :)

My advice is to prevent confusion, because there were a lot of characters introduced in the blurb and not a lot of them make sense. 1) Who is Norðri? Why were his daughters stolen? 2) Why is Rádúlf a retired archer? An archer is not an occupation, so was he a warrior in some queen's guard? Or a guild? 3) Who is King Terra? 4) Who is this cousin Viggo, and why was he important enough to be included in the blurb? 5) Who is Sahar? 6) What is Aion? 7) Who are the Snow Queen and Fire King? And why are they fighting for peace or war?

The fact is that, with so many questions with no answers, it tends to distract the reader from the actual story. Without understanding the significance of characters and the kingdoms' political feuds, I'm not sure I understand the plot at all. To improve, simply find a way to briefly explain all of this, or leave it for the reader to find out later in the story. Make sure, though, not to make it too clunky.

And now that that is over with, can I mention how much I love the end? "Ancient bloodlines are reawakened, a slave turns into a spy, a boy learns to speak the tongue of dragons, and soldiers question their allegiance as the spark it lit and a peace that has lasted for five hundred years is shattered." Other than the error above ("spark it lit"?), this has me getting goosebumps. Ancient bloodlines? Slaves? Tongues of dragons? Forgive me if I'm smiling too loudly.

THE TALE OF AION

"The world was burning."

Can someone call 911? I think my heart just stopped. One of the most vital things to remember when writing the first sentence of your story is the hooker (no, not that hooker), the attention grabber. When I jump into a story, I am instantly disappointed when all the writer can come up with is "today the sun was shining and the market smelled like bla bla insert tedious description of the main character's stunning appearance...". Readers want to be excited, or disturbed, or intrigued, depending on the genre of the story. With that attention grabber, you just earned another paragraph of the reader's attention, the aim is to maintain it. This section quite vaguely introduces the land of Aion, in which I learn that Norðri is not a who but a what. See the confusion?

So these four magical beings arrive and save Aion from god knows what had happened (that I suspect will be explained later), and their motives are... suspicious. Why did they come? Why were they going to leave right after? Once again, my only advice is to go back and edit. This section seems like a summary, which really does diminish the initial ominous feel. If you ever feel stuck, not sure how to improve, listen to some fitting music. I myself was recently writing something Nordic-inspired and discovered many great Nordic artists like Wardruna, Danheim, and Kalandra.

PROLOGUE

Right off the bat you've captured my interest, again. Here the reader is introduced to the High King Ignis, enduring the suffering his erstwhile lover had wrought upon him: a pair of magical icy manacles, a bane to his gift of fire. I find myself instantly begging to know what had transpired between the two, how the Ice Queen and the Fire King turned from lovers to adversaries at war.

But as the chapter progresses, I notice the characters' personalities are a bit lacking. It's not the easiest feat developing characters real enough to reach out and touch, especially when you have a wide-reaching dramatis personae. But, along with world-building, it is most vital you create characters who are not only compelling but unique. So let's begin with King Ignis who, at face value, is a fairly static villain complete with mocking smiles and a careless impulse to off someone at any moment. Despite how many authors love to reuse this villain mold, it's not exactly realistic or appealing. Trash the smiling, it's unnecessary and overused. Not every villain needs a sardonic smirk and witty comment on hand. Instead of being on the edge of my seat, I'm wondering why King Ignis cares so much of the prisoners' opinions when he's just going to kill them. And what was he doing before they came in? Just sitting in his throne staring at the throne room walls? And of course, the prisoners are all too ready to spit in this fire-king's face when they would more realistically be wetting their breeches. One of them, a fifteen year old girl, even whips out her steel and gives him a nice stab with the pointy end. Where were his guards? How was the prisoner even able to get her hands on this weapon let alone come into such close proximity with the king? To guarantee your readers' interest, make certain henceforth that you're not stepping out of the realistically-acceptable zone.

CHAPTER ONE

There's no question you've done your research, and for that I am relieved. High fantasy thrives on the inspiration of ancient and medieval societies, and many don't put any effort into researching the culture and history they're drawing from. I know, appalling. But there's no doubt about it― from longhouses to chieftains, ravens, and raids, you know Old Nordic culture from crown to toes. And can I tell you how much I love reading from a father's perspective? One little piece of advice though, try to avoid awkward inserts of information such as this:

"Where is Móđir?" Ylva's eyes roves, searching yet seeing nothing.

"Ylva, look at me. Look at me." He cradled her head and her eyes finally landed on his face. "Móđir isn't here. Remember? She was taken by those Saharian soldiers."

Tears glistened in Ylva's eyes and slipped down her cheeks. "I remember."

There are much better ways to inform the reader of her mother's capture. Info-dumps and random-inserts such as these are not flattering and turn many readers off. Moving on, I am introduced to the "Common Tongue". Here's the thing, in reality, there are more languages than there are cultures speaking them. In fact, with roughly 7,000 languages that exist (extinct withstanding), an estimated 500 are still spoken today. I don't care if George R. R. Martin used the Common Tongue, it really is just not realistic. Even within a designated single language, there may be numerous dialects with a thousand other variations. People ten miles away from each other might not understand a word the others say. I mean, what American knows that aubergine means eggplant in the UK? My point is, you've got a great inspiration for your fantasy's culture, don't water it down by using a common tongue.

OVERALL

In sum, you've got a great foundation for worldbuilding and culture, and the research you've done to build it shows. However, like any writer, there are things that need fixing. Keep in mind what's realistic and what's questionable, instead of aiming for "been there read that villainous smirk", think of how to surprise your readers and further compel them. Old Norse culture is very interesting to explore, the good and the bad and the ugly, so I'm hoping we'll see the soon bad side to not only Ignis's kingdom, but Glacies's as well.