Author: lionobsession

Blurb: 

Ithemia, a human girl snatched from Earth, has been waiting for the day she becomes an official citizen of Anohi. For ten long years, she remained isolated in her chambers as the secret daughter of Queen Hyenhu, until the day finally arrives.

When she meets Aferilon and his companions, Ithemia is revealed the truth about the world. It is a world divided by hate. Each kingdom hides itself away, scared of the outsiders that threaten their traditions and their people.

Ithemia strives for peace, but when trusted allies fall, and hate rises up to meet her, will she succeed?

I would just like to begin by saying congratulations on not only completing a forty seven part book, but also continuing the series with a sequel that is already larger than the first. I am genuinely impressed. Even considering that most works on Wattpad are usually not completely finished (I am not sure if you've began editing Unite or not or even have plans to), this is a huge accomplishment.

First Impressions: I am a strong believer of this category, because while most of us avid readers like to tell ourselves that judging a book by its cover is never right, our vanity more often than not gets the best of us.

For the most part, I think that this particular work is more advanced with its graphics than a lot of works that I've seen gaining views on the platform, and that's something to be proud of. Right now, your cover serves its purpose just fine, and I have no specific problem with it. However I also think that there could be a bit of a way to go if you wish to reach an even more "published" feeling for your story. Besides that, I did enjoy the graphics inside the story. I'm pretty sure they depict the POV for that chapter in the Anohi language, though I am a little unsure. If so, they're truly a unique way to announce something that can sometimes become cliché.

Your synopsis is well developed and interesting, and to be honest I don't have anything else to say there.

The Prologue was great, I think it was the appropriate length and it had enough exposition to hook the readers into reading more.

When an author is introducing an entire world, with languages and all the geographical stuff that comes along with it, sometimes it is really easy to confuse the reader with all the information and no way to make sense of it. From the first couple of chapters, I think that you did pretty well with the whole locational thing, but I will never say that having a map of your world is a bad thing. As for the language, a pronunciation guide or sort of dictionary either somewhere at the beginning or end where we can go as readers to remember certain words could become extremely useful.

Grammar: First I'd like to say I am no English teacher, I am actually a student myself. I make more mistakes than I'd like to admit when it comes to the English language. With all the rules and infrequencies it's bound to happen. So I am obviously unqualified to help you as much as I'd like to there, to which I apologize. The most I can say about it is to constantly edit (if you have the time and/or the need to) and maybe have friends or family help you go over each chapter too, fresh eyes are always helpful (I'm sure you already know all this, but I'll say it anyway for the sake of being thorough). The main things that I noticed were just a few awkwardly worded sentences and a couple cliché sayings and phrases. There were also a couple of times where it would switch between present and past tense. These, of course, are easy fixes. All it takes is a little rearranging and a lot of time.

I really appreciated the difference of language disclaimer in the beginning, I can see how fast that could become confusing for people who are unaware of the spelling infrequencies between your English and mine, and I'm sure you've gotten more than one frustrating comment about it.

Descriptions: Your descriptions of Ithemia'a surroundings were amazing, they artfully painted the transition between a destroyed world and a colorful magical one in the span of a few chapters.

There is always the annoyingly well used "show don't tell" saying to consider, and I would only remind you of it during a couple sporadically placed action paragraphs.

On that note, I will say that the only part of your story I really had a problem with were the fighting scenes. It was hard for me to believe the character's reactions to some of the violence that you described. A lot of the time, the actions and reactions were underplayed. My advice would be that dramatic characters make for a more believable scene (especially if the character is younger).

Plot/Exposition: The plot progression is believable and enticing and I found myself wanting to read more the further I got into it. However, I had a bit of a hard time with the time jump. Jumping between when Ithemia is a child with no memory getting introduced to a new world to when she is a teenager after years of isolation is hard on the foundation of her new relationships. There was no development there, not even as flashbacks. It was harder for me to believe the affection between Hyenhu and her adopted daughter (which looking back might've been intentional) and Ithemia and Eskpi, who is supposed to be her best friend. Even little summaries scattered throughout the progression of the story further depicting their history could be helpful. Maybe it's just me, but when introducing a relationship the character has already built without any backstory doesn't allow readers to become completely invested in the relationships.

Character Development: Of course, I only read the beginning of this story for the purpose of this review, but from what I have read (disregarding the whole time jump issue) I really think that the story is on track for some great development. We can already see Ithemia's wish for a better life within her kingdom, and an option to finally, truly express her emotions. Whether or not she breaks out of her pretend mother's toxic mindset remains to be seen (for me at least).

To conclude, I actually really enjoyed reviewing Unite. It's my first review for TFF, so please let me know if there's anything that needs to be clarified or further explained.

I know its been a while since you've submitted your story (hopefully it'll be a happy surprise instead of highly anticipated). Anyways, I'm truly sorry for the wait.

It is a brave thing to put your work out there to be judged, even online. Thank you so much for participating, and happy writing!