Author: marafynn

Blurb: 

Brynne is forced with a sheltered life until a royal invitation changes her life forever. Cinderella meets Little Red Riding Hood meets Rapunzel in this retelling of a human girl, a merboy, and their powerful friendship that could blossom into something they'd never imagined.

The Freedom to Desire

Cover: Under other circumstances, the cover would be fine. Unfortunately, because this is a fantasy book, it doesn't make much sense to me. It's kind of teen fiction-esque and the text is a bit bland. The title doesn't jibe with the overall sense it conveys. Your title strikes me as a historical romance/drama or a high fantasy thriller, so I was expecting to see some broad, looping scrawl and some bloody daggers -- not a pretty pale blue with a sunflower.

And, in my opinion, I don't think it clarifies the premise of your story. If it's a fairytale retelling, I feel like there should be glass slippers, red capes, or long, golden hair.

Blurb: Really short blurbs can work with some stories -- but I personally don't think yours is long enough. It's supposedly a retelling of the tales, Cinderella, Little Red Riding Hood, and Rapunzel, but it doesn't tell us anything more. It's too vague, and the one sentence that actually mentions the plot doesn't add much detail.

-- How can she be 'forced with a sheltered life'? To me, 'sheltered life' typically isn't something forced upon another individual. Do you mean Brynne is kept in ignorance? And if she is, what exactly is she ignorant of? Does the society push propaganda to keep its civilians oblivious of maltreatment? Is there a royal scandal? I feel like there should be more added to it.

Chapter One:

The Freedom to Desire starts off well enough. No glaring grammatical errors. No confusing sentences...except for a couple:

'I rolled my eyes with a hard blow...'

Initially, I didn't understand what you mean by hard blow. Then I figured that Brynne was huffing in annoyance, but the sentence tripped me up at first due to the imagery problem with that sentence. I'd suggest wording that better.

'Your mother and I learned a thing or two about the dangers of those flower-sampling bees. Those human bee'ings.'

Again, initially I went, 'huh?' The text was talking about how perverted wolves are, so I have a guess as to what the phrase, 'flower-sampling bees', means, but I think a little more clarity (or a different analogy) would work better.

In Brynne's invitation, 'to meet the royalty of the merkindgom of Azurefynn, including the oldest merprince himself...' When you say 'oldest merprince', I had an image of Poseidon with a grey beard, and I don't think that's what you mean. Since he's the oldest, I assume he's the heir. The terms, crown prince, heir, expectant heir, heir presumptive, or heir apparent, would work much better than 'oldest prince'.

You repeat the word, 'entail' in quick succession.

So far, the story is following, more or less, the route of the typical Cinderella story. Girl's mother died. Girl is beautiful, innocent/slightly gullible, and has golden hair. Girl cleans, cooks, and basically does whatever else housewives in the 50s did. Girl gets invited to the ball, but can't go. The grammar is good, but I find that the story is lacking in originality and a solid protagonist.

Chapter Two: Your first chapter is lovely, and I truly enjoyed the description. Great job!

Your writing is free of grammar mistakes, and the description is spot on -- I think it's your strong suit. I do have some comments on your main character, Brynne, but I'll get into that later.

Chapter Three: In paragraph one, 'blue' is redundant.

How could such rare jewels even exist so randomly? I don't think 'random' is the correct word. 'Random' means 'without method or conscious decision' or 'without pattern'. This sentence should probably be reworded.

'I covered my mouth with bulging eyes,' is incorrect. It sounds like Brynne covered her mouth with her eyes. Perhaps you mean, 'I covered my mouth, my eyes bulging', or even 'My eyes bulged, and I covered my mouth'.

Chapter Four: Second paragraph, first sentence, drop the 'while' and make 'mimicking a private doorway' a participial phrase.

'I smiled with the utmost enchantment only a book had ever done'. This is another imagery issue. It sounds like only a book has ever smiled with the utmost enchantment, when I think you mean that only a book has ever made Brynne smile with the utmost enchantment.

The last sentence of the second paragraph, 'enchanted' is redundant.

Fourth paragraph, you use 'blue' three times.

'Such tedium...' Sometimes, the simpler, the better. To go along with your narrative, I think 'How tedious', or even 'How annoying', would flow smoother.

Chapter Five: I have to say, good job on surprising me! I was not expecting the wolf to be waiting for Brynne when she got home from the ball. The scene was very well-written, and the character of the wolf really came across.

Unfortunately, I was rather disappointed to see the rest of the chapter play out. I think you should have expanded on the wolf scene, as that was by far the most exciting part of the five chapters that I read. She fled from the cottage way too fast. There wasn't even a struggle! And the damsel- in-distress rescue didn't have the same impact as you intended it to have.

The Good: I don't have anything to say convention-wise. Your grammar is perfect! And I loved your descriptions, especially of that rocky shore in the ocean scene. I think you should definitely look into playing around with different settings and see what you can create. Great job!

Plot:

I wasn't a huge fan of the plot.

To me, it was far too similar to the actual Cinderella story, even though it was a mashup of The Little Red Riding Hood and The Little Mermaid. And you didn't even base it off the Grimm (actual) version of Cinderella, but the Disney one, which is waaay watered down and far less interesting than the real version (in my opinion).

I don't think it should be classified as Young Adult, but Middle Grade (think Sarah Mylnowski's 'Whatever After' series). Even with the surprising twist of the wolf, it involved too many tropes that I sadly found unoriginal and a little...boring. The cottage/peasant vibe, the poor girl, the handsome prince -- it's fine to use these tropes, but without something unique added, they fall flat.

I also think that the pacing is quite quick. The chapters are short, and there is not much buildup.

Characters:

Typically, I don't elaborate on the characters because personally, I don't get enough of the characterization in five chapters (so I would be an unfair judge), but for The Freedom to Desire, I definitely have an idea.

Brynne: I guess she's sweet enough, but I found her naive, gullible, and too much of a Mary Sue. To be brutally honest, I didn't think that she had much substance to her. She needs a more solid foundation, something that brings more depth to her personality. Once you start to dive in and explore, you can experiment with different traits, which will in turn create a more rounded character.

Grandma: She was overprotective, kind, and caring. I think she really loved Brynne (unless she was a Mother Gothel kind of character)

Prince: He seemed to be the basic 'romantic interest'. Handsome, a prince, but I got the sense that was all he was meant to be. Like I said, using the Prince Charming trope isn't necessarily bad, but I think more exploration into his character would give him a better '3-D feel'. You have a great start here, for sure. Just a little more development will make him stand out. :)

Wish List:

-Unique, fresh takes on tropes

-Elimination of the damsel-in-distress/Mary Sue type feel for the protagonist

-Other colors besides blue (so much blue!)

-Slower pacing

Final Verdict: While the grammar and description is good, I feel like the "helplessness" and naivety could be worked on. With a slower pacing and an emphasis on character development, this book could become a true gem.