Author: Z_M_Ivy

Blurb: 

In a prospering world shrouded in darkness; hope smothered like the snuffing of a flickering flame, one woman rises from the ashes of the grounds to defeat all odds. 

And unbeknownst to all, that she would leave behind a tale that many would continue to tell aeons after her time. 

In this tragic tale, a woman's perilous journey begins.

THE AWAKENING by Z_M_Ivy

Title:

The title is short and simple, easy to remember. However, it isn't exactly the most exciting title I've heard of and were I to see it in a bookstore, I might glance at it, but probably wouldn't pick it up. It's an okay title, but not very intriguing.

Cover:

I like the cover concept. But the type for both the title and the author's name is hard to read--the author's especially. It's almost unreadable. Also, the model (which gives off a Katniss vibe) is dark and doesn't really fit with the rest of the cover. Overall, the color scheme is rather hard to see what exactly is going on in the cover and while it's eye-catching at first, I wouldn't give it a second glance.

Blurb:

In a word, brief. Normally, I like short blurbs just because who wants to read a long rant that gives away too much of the story before you even start reading it? However, this one was short to the point of being vague. You give me the idea that it's supposed to be a tragic story about a woman who rises and becomes the best (veering dangerously to becoming a Mary Sue at the same time) and that's it. I want to know more about the story to hook me into opening your book, not just giving some vague details about the general plotline. Try to work on that a bit more. I like the prose you have in your blurb, but I need some more details to go with it.

More Book Cosmetics Notes:

First of all, you don't need the blurb as the "excerpt" in your story. It's already on your book and we don't need to read it twice. Furthermore, it doesn't qualify as an excerpt as it's not part of your actual story.

Secondly, the glossary should be at the back of the book so the reader isn't bogged down with a bunch of names and words that don't make sense until after the reader has read the story.

Prologue:

You have a great start and I like the style of prose that you're doing, though I would warn you not to go too flowery with this. It's mostly okay, but there are a couple places where you start to dig deep in the descriptions and it begins to sound really purple prosey. I also don't quite understand why it's all centerized. (Is that a word? XD) Shouldn't it be aligned to the left like a normal chapter? I like the imagery portrayed here as well, but watch the commas. They show up or don't show up in the wrong places. And while you have some beautiful stuff going on, it still gives me a warning vibe about Mary Sues. You might want to watch out for that.

Chapter One:

Like I've said before, you have a gift with descriptions and I appreciate your attempt at this kind of prose. However, watch out. Many of your descriptions were long-winded and quite unnecessary (some places didn't actually fit and destroyed your flow) and should be considered being cut. Especially when that woman first appears on the scene. Your main character (whose name is still unknown--makes for confusing reading and should be fixed) sees her far in the distance, but still manages to notice all these tiny details about her. That doesn't make sense. Unless, of course, he has super elven eyesight or something like that, but even then, that wasn't mentioned and it really doesn't make sense that he could see all of that from so far away.

Watch out, also, for your grammar. It's good for the most part, but there's places where commas are needed so things make sense. Also, some words weren't capitalized (like calling your male MC general, but it's not capitalized) which was a bit confusing to me as I didn't know whether these were supposed to be specific people and places or not.

The flow was pretty good! There were instances, though, like I said above, where your descriptions really destroyed the flow by slowing things unrealistically down. If you want to build tension, adding in all these descriptions along the way really destroys any kind of suspense you are trying to create. Make sure it fits and helps your flow. Otherwise, cut it out.

My last thought on this chapter was a few places where you suddenly switched from third person to second person. This also destroys the flow of the story. Consider switching out "you" with "one" in those cases so that it fits.

Chapter Two:

The first thing that caught my eye in this chapter is the use of pronouns right from the beginning. I need people's names, not just pronouns all the time where I have to guess that the she is the woman mentioned in previous chapter and the he might be the demons chasing her, but it might also be the guy watching the woman running in the last chapter. Please give names so I know what's going on. It's really hard to follow your story when all I see is a bunch of pronouns with little else attached to them. It's okay to start one chapter like that, but not keeping it up without revealing who those people are later in the chapters.

Second paragraph in this chapter. Mentioning that your female character has gone through all sorts of dangerous experiences before that being chased by demons isn't scary in the least doesn't quite make sense. It really is portraying your female character as a Mary Sue in that she is invincible, can't be scared, etc. and also, it doesn't quite make sense. I mean, everyone else seems terrified by them, so why is she suddenly the exception--especially when she's the one being chased by them and the rest are just watching from their fortress/castle place? Thirdly, most people, even if they had gone through lots of terrifying things before might at least feel a little bit nervous being chased by demons. The fact that your female character isn't afraid at all makes your story seem very unrealistic and your female lead unrelatable.

The whole section about talking about what type of demons are what is info-dumping. It's not necessary to go into what type of classifications these creatures are at this point. Perhaps try showing it later on? It breaks the flow here in the action--something you don't want to do as it destroys the tension you have building up until this point.

Another issue I saw in this chapter was mixing actions from two different characters in the same paragraph. Don't mix the thoughts/actions/observations of two different characters in the same paragraph. Everytime you're going to be writing a new action or thought, make it a new paragraph. Not to mention, constantly switching POV's that fast also makes it really hard to read. Yes, you're writing in third person, but there are limits. Try to minimize it from different sections or just pick one POV for the whole book so everything flows.

Chapter Three:

Again, you started this chapter using pronouns. It's hard to follow who's who when you do that--especially since we were told Saskia's name in the previous chapter. Since we now know her name, at least you can start using it more often instead of just saying "she" or "her."

I've heard other people say that using "okay" in your fantasy book (unless it's urban or dystopian fantasy) really destroys the "otherworldly" feel for your tale and makes it seem modern. Granted, this isn't high or medieval fantasy so that rule is a bit blurred, but at least for me, it felt really out of place with the rest of your dialogue and narrative style. Same with the use of "You're amazing!" in your dialogue. It made it feel really modern when previously I didn't get that vibe from your story based on the way it was written.

I really liked how the transfusion of healing the boy's injury made Saskia have it instead--an idea I previously that I and a few others had only thought of. I really liked how you did that. My only critique on that is that I doubt Saskia would be able to handle that much blood loss and still be fine unless it's because she's no normal human or some magic ability that allowed her to have unlimited blood--something I haven't seen yet explained in your narrative. Because yes, she did faint at the end of the chapter, but before that, there was no mention of her feeling the blood loss even though her garments were soaked with that. Maybe try introducing the effect earlier so it makes more sense?

Chapter Four:

Opening paragraph seems to be a contradiction of the previous chapter (like I mentioned in a comment). That was a lot of blood loss if it's soaking her clothes and keeps coming. She'd definitely faint and have some sort of repercussion from it. So you having the healer state that there's nothing wrong feels like a very obvious contradiction. Plus Saskia's seeming totally well and fine afterwards is moving too fast and doesn't quite make sense--unless the god healed her; in which case, maybe try to make it clearer? This part was confusing.

I did like the inclusion of more dialogue in this chapter, though I feel that the build-up about Saskia stating the name of that tree could be even better done so it has more of an impact. Maybe subtle hints here and there about it before it's mentioned would help so it has more of an "Oh!" moment with the reader. I appreciated getting to see the connection about the tree and its history with the prologue, though I personally think it'd be cool if there was a book about that whole story before this one. :) To me, the end of this chapter really felt as if that's when the story actually began rather than the way you started it due to the fact the prophecy and the tree connection wasn't stated until now, but that just might be me.

Good job.

Grammar:

For the most part, your grammar was good. No glaring typos or severely bad grammar. Just watch the voicing when you sometimes switch to second person with the inclusion of "you." Like I said above, replace it with "one" so it flows with your third person tense.

Watch your commas. This was the main issue grammatically speaking. They often were in places where they shouldn't be so clauses that were all one clause were broken up by commas; this made for choppy reading. And, they were missing in places where they should have been. Especially in your dialogue. There should have been a comma before dialogue, but it was missing. Many places, your dialogue was missing the correct punctuation. Nothing that some proofreading won't fix, but I'm just mentioning it so it's easier for you to correct.

Characterization:

I only read five chapters for this review so it's not that much to really give a fair analysis of your characters. But of what I did observe...

I didn't see much development besides Saskia (I'm guessing she's going to be the main character, but I'm not sure yet based on what I did read). Saskia, to me, feels very much like a Mary Sue. Strong, independent, can take care of herself, is outrageously sarcastic (I like sarcasm, but not that much; just a personal preference though), is liked by everyone, and cares about children. That's what I got from her. So yeah, great job in revealing that much about her personality in such a short time. I'm just not certain that's what you want to do exactly. So far, I can't personally relate to anyone in your story and because of that it was really hard for me to get into it. I mean, yes, you did a great job establishing her role in this tale, but I just can't get into her character and appreciate her because she's unrelatable and I can't see her as human because she has no failings; she's perfect and unbeatable, and I just struggled trying to get a good feel for her as a person in this story.

Plot:

So far in these five chapters, it's been moving very slowly. This is mainly due to your overdosing on descriptions. Good news: your descriptions of settings were fantastic and I could see, hear, and smell these places in my mind. Bad news: your descriptions everywhere else were too much. As I mentioned earlier, they ruined the story. Descriptions are good, but don't go overboard with them. It was very purple-prosey in places and it destroyed the tension in the action scenes. Imagine it like this. If you've ever watched a movie with a lot of action in it, do you ever see the camera focus and slow everything down just to watch the details of everything in the scene? No, because that destroys the momentum you have been creating with this action scene. Try to do the same in your writing. If it's not necessary and destroys the flow of the story and the tension, cut it. Descriptions are good for setting scenes and characters and can be lightly used in action sequences, but please don't do more than that.

Overall:

Wow, this review got really long, sorry about that. Anyway, I actually enjoyed reading your story. You have a good sense of setting and descriptions and I applaud your attempts at that style of prose. It's not done often enough. That being said, just watch out for the descriptions. This was overall the main issue. Try to work more on that to smooth everything out. Also, if a Mary Sue type character is what you're going for, then just ignore everything I said above. I was only stating my opinion. Other than my critiques, you have a good story going on and so far I like your view on things.

Good job and keep it up!