❝ in the dead night
my mouth runs dry
and i can't explain my love for you
no matter how hard i try ❞

ᅳDRUNKEN TALES, 06/04/19

he was weak. too easy to manipulate. too fast to fall in love with someone he barely knows. giving himself to anyone who paid the slightest attention to him was nothing new. and what made it worse was that he was well aware of it. he's always been aware of it. he knows he's hurting himself by loving people who don't give a fuck about himᅳor at least people who pretend to not give a fuck about him.

i was the latter, you see. but he never really cared, did he? all he wanted was to be with me even if he knew what we had wasn't bound to last. i had never met anyone who hated themself more than i did me. i guess that's what fascinated me about him. all the past lovers i've had were broken in ways that were similar to mine. we gave in to the monsters inside of us and let others take our breath away, all the while reminding ourselves the world is fucked and no one's ever going to change for the better.

park jimin wanted to fix me however. that was his mistake. a sweet but terrible mistake.

you can't fix what shouldn't have been born in the first place.

ᅳ

❝can you tell me why you love me so?❞

❝if you'd like to stay here listening to me talk for hours, i'd gladly tell you why.❞

❝it shouldn't take that long.❞

❝but it will...and maybe even more. baby, i don't think any word could properly explain why i love you.❞

❝that's fine, jimin. words shouldn't matter anyway.❞

ᅳ

THAT NIGHT as i watched you shrink away, terrified of my screaming and smashing things all around the room, you sat in the corner with your head hidden between your legs. i could hear you sobbing as you whimpered. i remember, with each step i took closer to you, you flinched and sobbed even louder. i told you to look up at me and you did without hesitation.

i could never forget the fear in your eyes and your begging me to not hurt you. all i could think about in that moment was how pretty you were and i hated it. i hated the fact that i enjoyed seeing you hurt. especially because i knew i was the reason. 

a huge part of me wanted to end the very life of the person who had kept me alive for so long.

KALOPSIAᅳ(n.) the delusion of things being more beautiful than they actually are