[ 18. real life ]
J E O N G G U K

another trigger warning ):

▂▂▂▂▂

The following week, Jeongguk spots Taehyung at the front of school. His heart swells in his chest at the sight of the boy in his letterman jacket, parted blonde locks, and his rectangular smile.

"Taehyung!" He calls out, waving at him to get his attention. However, Taehyung doesn't seem to notice him, his gaze fixated towards the parking lot.

Jeongguk adjusts his backpack and walks faster, eager to reach him. But before he can approach him, a girl's already by his side.

"Hey there," The girl giggles, tucking back a strand of her ginger hair behind her ear. Taehyung and her exchange some words, and from the side Jeongguk watches them laugh together.

All he can do is watch as the girl gives Taehyung a hug. She holds on for a little while longer before pulling back, smiling at Taehyung with her lipstick-painted lips.

Jeongguk feels his heart drop in his chest. Something inside of him cracks a little just seeing them together, though he assures himself it's all an act. He quickly tries to pick up his heart's breaking pieces before they all fall apart, repeating in his mind this is all fake.

Taehyung and him can't be obvious, so of course he has to pretend to be interested in other girls, right? As much as Jeongguk wishes he can be open with him, this is their fate.

This is how it should be. Taehyung with a girl. Taehyung with someone who can make him happy.

Jeongguk sucks in a breath, forcing a smile on his face when he notices Grace approaching him. He can't be sad when this is their reality.

What right does he have to be jealous when the two of them can never be open about their feelings for eachother?

So, he watches them enter school together, arm in arm. It pains him to see it, but he has no choice but to suck it up.

It's all just pretend, right?

▂▂▂▂▂

"Hey Taehyung," Jeongguk calls his name when he passes in the hall. His face lightens up, hoping Taehyung will stop to greet him, but his smile instantly falls when he walks right by him.

"Kim!" There's a group of football players waiting at the other end of the hall. Jeongguk doesn't really get too sad, knowing Taehyung has other friends too.

Jeongguk nods to himself, trying to gather himself together. He presses his tongue into his cheek, willing himself not to get upset.

There's other people Taehyung cares about - not just him.

He glances over at their group, hoping at least he can make eye contact with him. Trying his best to get his attention, their eyes finally meet for a second.

Jeonguk smiles shyly, lifting his hand to wave 'hello' but Taehyung whips his head the other way, focusing on his football buddies and not how Jeongguk's deflates realizing he's ignoring him once more.

▂▂▂▂▂

"It's not your fault he's being an asshole," Grace assures him as she shoves a forkful of salad into her mouth. Jeongguk's slumped beside her at the lunch table, sadly watching Taehyung flirt with those girls again.

"Why is he ignoring us?" Jeongguk asks her, his voice soft. Why is he ignoring me, he wants to ask but he can't bring himself to say it since it hurts too much.

"Dunno," Grace replies, removing the cap to her waterbottle. "Let him be Guk. He's probably dealing with something at home."

"Probably," Jeongguk swallows, nodding to himself. He tries to convince himself it's just Taehyug coping with something, but if he's suffering shouldn't he tell them?

Jeongguk doesn't know. He just wants his Taehyung back.

▂▂▂▂▂

Jeongguk and Grace see Taehyung speed-walking down the halls, both of them slightly confused how he ignores every girls' attempt to talk to him.

Usually they don't see him during the day. He's too busy practicing football or hanging out with jocks, and sometimes Jeongguk gets this weird feeling seeing him flirt so freely with other girls.

Grace tells him it's all an act to trick his mom, and that it's okay to be jealous. Well, she isn't wrong, but he can't help but get angry whenever a girl goes too far. However, he has to control himself like last lunch.

Last lunch, Grace and him had watched a girl try to seduce him in front of everyone. She was sitting on his lap, touching his face, playing with his hair, and trying to tug him out the door to fuck in the bathroom.

Jeongguk nearly had stood up and practically bolt out of there. He just couldn't stand it anymore, and Taehyung was doing nothing about it. Thankfully Grace is there to stop him from causing a scene to avoid unwanted attention.

It's all an act in public - that's what Jeongguk has to tell himself. But as time passes, he's not so sure if Taehyung is really acting anymore.

"You look like shit," Grace frowns, the skin around her nose crinkling when Taehyung comes to stop by his side. It's odd since he's never around.

"You always say that," Taehyung grumbles, carding his long fingers through his sandy hair. From behind him, Jeongguk can see girls practically drooling at his simple action.

Jeongguk glances back and forth, unsure of what to say or do now Taehyung's actually beside him. They haven't really interacted in public either. Everything is too risky, and there's a huge chance one of them might slip up. It isn't worth it.

"What do you need?" Grace says boredly. She scans Taehyung up and down, her brows knitted together. He rolls his eyes, clearly done with her.

"Grace I just need to tell you something important," Taehyung keeps his voice low, leaning forward so that only the three of them can hear him. Jeongguk feels his stomach drop when he doesn't mention him, but he pushes it to the side.

"Why? You haven't spoken to us in awhile," Grace snaps back quietly. She steps forward, her arms crossed over her chest. Despite her size being small, Grace is surely one to fear.

"I have an explanation," Taehyung mumbles, running his hand through his hair again. Jeongguk watches his golden fringe fall effortlessly over his forehead. He can still notice the girls behind him, practically fantasizing about him and it's irking him.

"Okay. Do we care?" Grace retorts sourly, now frowning. "You can't just expect us to care after fucking ignoring us."

"Please just hear me out," Taehyung pleads, placing his hands on Grace's shoulders. Jeongguk snorts under his breath watching a few girls crumble with jealousy. He's not sure why he cares though.

"What is it even about?" Grace asks, and from where Jeongguk stands they look really really close. Anyone can mistake them for being a couple - even him. Though the two are too different so Jeongguk knows they would never date.

"I need you to be my girlfriend."

Scratch that. Jeongguk freezes, turning his attention back to the two of them. He can't seem to register what Taehyung has just said, and Grace looks seconds away from slapping him. Her face is contorted in disgust as she opens her mouth to say something, but Taehyung doesn't budge.

"It's my mom," He explains further. Jeongguk's shoulders tense at the mention of Rachel. She's not a good person, and he knows that quite well.

"Did she find out?" Grace is now whispering softly. Taehyung shakes his head. Jeongguk exhales, easing his muscles knowing there's nothing to worry about. Having a student find out is bad, but a parent?

"She got mad about the Chicago thing, so I told her I was with you as my girlfriend," Taehyung confesses, guilt glowing dimly in his eyes. He pulls away from Grace and crosses his arms over his chest, sighing tiredly.

"You could have told us earlier," Jeongguk speaks up, trying his hardest not to touch Taehyung. Even the slightest of gestures can be misinterpreted, and it pains him not to be able to comfort him.

He smiles weakly at him, silently thanking him for trying, "I tried, trust me, but I had other things going on."

"Like what?" Grace asks, more concerned than curious.

Taehyung looks her in the eye for a second but says nothing. He shrugs like it doesn't matter. Jeongguk wants to say it does for him, yet he can't. He can't do anything for him right now, and it sucks.

It sucks how they can't be touchy even if it's friendly. It sucks guys are expected to be tough even when they want to cry. Life just really sucks in general.

After some thought, Grace hums approvingly. "Fine, I'll do it. However, hand holding is our boundaries. We gotta respect our relationships," She gestures to herself and Jeongguk with a smile.

"Cool with me," Taehyung glances at Jeongguk, flashing him a gentle smile that causes butterflies to erupt in his tummy. Taehyung chuckles, reaching over to ruffle his hair. That's enough for a shy smile to spread across Jeongguk's lips.

"However, try to do some move on me I will literally cut off your dick," Grace grabs a fistful of his shirt and pulls him down so their faces are leveled. Taehyung nods, stiffling a laugh.

"Got it Curly," He punches her shoulder playfully, the two of them smiling at each other. Jeongguk looks down at his feet, feeling a little left out as he steps back a little. Taehyung notices this, and puts his hand on his shoulder, squeezing him gently.

"Meet me at the Gazebo tonight," He murmurs, his voice softening. Jeongguk blushes and nods, a little surprised Taehyung's telling him that in public.

"Remember my lesson~" Grace muses, instantly earning double glares from both boys. She snickers, swatting at them both with a sunshine smile on her lips.

"What? Ya'll gotta be careful," She laughs, throwing her arms over their shoulders but the moment doesn't last when they hear a crash down the hall.

"You fucking faggot!" A familiar voice Jeongguk knows only as Jason's silences everyone in the crowd.

He has to stand up on his tip toes to see, and since everyone's so focused on Jason he feels Taehyung's hands slip around his waist to help him. Thankfully there's nobody behind him, and if there is, Grace would alert them in a heartbeat.

His blood runs cold in his veins noticing Jason and his crew standing above that kid his mom mentioned at the Bible study. Justin's cowering against the lockers, trying to protect himself but it's three against one - he has no chance.

"Fuck you and your fucking disease," Jason spits out, ramming the poor boy's head against the locker. Everyone gasps. Justin falls to the ground, clutching his head.

"You ruined his entire goddamn life. You infected my little brother," Suddenly Jason begins to beat him, brutally kicking his sides and throwing his textbooks at him with full force.

Jeongguk feels Taehyung slip away, unable to tell him to stop when he's already jogging past the crowd to save him. He looks over at Grace and nods at her to go, the two of them then following right after him.

When they're at the front of the crowd, he notices Taehyung pulling Jason from behind and throwing him back. Taehyung gestures at Grace to come get Justin, and she does. She scrambles to his side and carefully helps him up.

His face is bloody and bruised and cut, Jeongguk can't tell who he is. "I'm taking him to the nurse," Grace tells Jeongguk as she passes by.

Thankfully the crowd parts, letting them go easily, but their attention is still focused on Taehyung and Jason.

"Are you friends with that queer, chink?" Jason cackles bitterly, dusting off his hands like it's nothing. Taehyung's expression is blank - stone cold. He doesn't answer.

"Takes a faggot to defend a faggot right?" He laughs, and Jeongguk's heart drops when the rest of the crowd laughs with him. He watches Taehyung's fists curl into a tight ball, yet he remains scarily calm.

"Why aren't you answering, huh?" Jeongguk isn't surprised Jason's already getting impatient. Jason steps forward, challenging Taehyung with a cocky smirk Jeongguk wants to wipe off his face.

"Did he infect you too? Is your queer heart broken 'cause you weren't able to fuck him too?" Jason spats, pushing Taehyung back that he staggers a little. Something sinister flashes in Taehyung's eyes.

"I'm not gay," Taehyung replies smoothly, pushing Jason back with a little more face that he ends up falling against the lockers. "What your doing is wrong, you know."

"What I'm doing is right. That little bitch made my brother a freak," Jason argues back, coiling his hands into balls by his side. "My brother had a fucking future, and that faggot ruined it for him."

"Was it rape?" Taehyung suddenly says, catching Jason off guard. For a moment, he thinks, his brows scrunching together and his lips twisting into an ugly frown.

"No, it wasn't," Jason's voice sounds smaller, unsure. Taehyung squares his shoulders, a smirk unfolding on his lips as he steps forward, their heights leveled yet he somehow appears bigger.

"Then nobody ruined anyone's life," Taehyung chuckles darkly, eyeing Jason with disgust. "And it isn't Justin's fault. It's yours. You and your family could have overlooked it, but you decided to go ahead and destroy his life too because of who he wants to love."

"Love? What bullshit are you talking about?" Jason scoffs, pushing Taehyung harder this time yet he's still unfazed. "This ain't your problem."

"Isn't yours either, m'afraid. It's your brother's and Justin who needs to sort it out," Taehyung frowns at him, but before he can say anything else Jason hits him square in the jaw.

Jeongguk's heart lurches in his chest as the crowd gasps. Taehyung shakes it off with ease, his lips curling into a frown as he wipes blood off the corner of his mouth. Jason looks proud of his work, but everyone knows it's not ending there.

Taehyung lunges forward, punching him right in the face with full force. Jason staggers back, gasping out in pain while clutching his face. He glares angrily at Taehyung and charges at him, slamming him roughly against the lockers it's sure to hurt.

Jason tries to hit him repeatedly, but Taehyung's much faster. He shoves him off of him, making Jason collapse to the floor. Taehyung stands above him, his gaze narrowing as he grabs a fistful of his shirt and lifts him up.

With his free hand, he jabs at the side of his face, hitting him hard. Jason's nose is bleeding and there's a cut above his eyebrow. Both of them have their fair share of bruises, but it's obvious Taehyung won this one.

It doesn't last very long, though Jeongguk knows it's Taehyung restraining himself. Everyone wants the chance to beat a jerk like Jason up - even Jeongguk. However, there's other things to worry about.

"Bother that poor kid again and I'll fuck you up," Taehyung growls, throwing him back to the ground. He slams his foot into Jason's side one last time, leaving him clutching himself on the ground.

Before he can turn to leave, Jeongguk notices the crowd dispersing. Confused, he spins around, watching all the students rush to class. Not realizing what's going on, Jeongguk finally spots the principal coming their way. Crap.

"Mr. Kim and Mr. Conley. My office, now," The principal's walking by Grace's side, the two of them quickly approaching the scene.

Taehyung freezes and looks over at Grace, hoping for an answer just like Jeongguk. Grace only shakes her head at him, though even if she did tell the principal about Jason, the three of them know Taehyung will surely be in trouble.

"I said now boys," The principal shouts angrily. Taehyung and Jason look at each other, hate radiating from their scary gazes. Jason gets up with help from Steve, wincing all the way.

Obediently, they end up following the principal, and as Taehyung walks by Jeongguk, he feels their hands brush against one another's.

"I'll be okay," Taehyung whispers soft enough for him to hear. Jeongguk nods, not realizing how worried he must look.

He watches the two of them follow after the principal and disappear around the corner to his office. The entire time as he joins Grace to his next class he can't help but hope Taehyung will be okay.

After all, he probably has his reasons for ignoring them for awhile and surely, this might just make it worse.

▂▂▂▂▂

Jeongguk's sitting on the steps of the gazebo with his flashlight turned off, leaving him alone in the darkness except for the stars that splatter across the night sky.

It's already midnight, and Taehyung's not here yet. He didn't bother to check on his window like Taehyung usually does for him, instead flashing his light in it with hopes he got the message.

Honestly, he really hopes Taehyung remembers. Taehyung and him haven't been here in ages, and this gazebo has become their spot to hang out at without anyone around them.

It's like their little piece of heaven even if all they do is sin there, but by the looks of it, Taehyung isn't showing up.

He's about to get up and leave to go back to sleep until he hears a rustling in the hedge. Jeongguk freezes, snatching his flashlight off the steps and flicking it on.

"Who's there?" Jeongguk says shakily, his hands trembling somewhat as he approaches the clearing. He's a little scared - he's got to admit that.

Silence. Jeongguk swallows anxiously, hoping it isn't some serial killer wanting to harvest his organs and sell them on the black market. If it's a cat, then great, but anything else? Jeongguk's already praying for God to save his life.

"Hey," Taehyung's deep voice slices through the silence. He steps out from behind the bushes, nearly giving Jeongguk a heart attack.

"You scared me," Jeongguk groans, flicking off his flashlight and tossing it to the ground. Taehyung chuckles, a faint outline of a smile on his face as he walks towards him.

Taehyung reaches for Jeongguk, the two coming together by some invisible force as they're finally able to be in each other's arms.

He inhales Taehyung's cologne, the faint scent of pine and his familiarity entering his nose as he rests his cheek against his chest. He holds onto him, hugging him at last like he's finally fulfilling some craving. Taehyung buries his face in his hair, sighing contentedly as he pulls him closer.

"You coulda said my name," Jeongguk pulls away first, his brows furrowing. He lightly smacks his chest, a shy smile spreading across his lips. It's also too dark to see Taehyung's face clearly, but Jeongguk can make out the cuts and bruises littering his face.

"Nah, I wanted that horror movie effect you know?" Taehyung hums, pressing a kiss to his forehead. Jeongguk lets out a laugh and reaches up to drape his arms around his neck, being careful not to hurt him.

"I can't believe you," He giggles, burying his face in the crook of his neck. "I missed you," Jeongguk then sighs, letting his tired eyes fall shut as the two of them sway in the clearing.

"I missed you more," Taehyung pulls away, pulling back to tuck away a loose lock of his hair behind his ear. "I can't stand anyone but you."

"Didn't look like it when those girls were all over you," Jeongguk murmurs back, rolling his eyes. Taehyung's smile falters.

"Love, you know I'm just pretending," Taehyung's brow creases, his hold on Jeongguk loosening. Jeongguk sighs in annoyance, nodding for what feels like the umpteenth time whenever someone explains it to him.

"I know, but why do you let them do whatever they want with you?" Jeongguk frowns, gesturing at him. Of course he understands they can't be obvious, but that doesn't mean Taehyung can lead those girls on too.

"It's meaningless," Taehyung tries to reason with him, but Jeongguk's already pushing him away.

"So what you said to Jason early was meaningless too?" He argues, trying his best not to raise his voice too loud. Taehyung inhales sharply, running a hand through his hair.

"Jeongguk, we already discussed this," He mutters, setting his hands on his hips. Jeongguk scoffs, shaking his head in disbelief.

"No we haven't. We don't speak for awhile because you said you were busy," Jeongguk whispers, hurt glistening in his eyes. "But next thing I know, you're probably screwing a brat behind my back."

At this, Taehyung's expression darkens. Jeongguk watches him dart his tongue across his lips, but he's too busy trembling with anger and hurt to care. God knows what Taehyung has been doing, and maybe, Taehyung's been lying to him this whole time.

Maybe he isn't gay, and this is just some ploy to humiliate Jeongguk in front of his entire family. Just the thought of this has Jeongguk upset.

"You think I'd fuck another girl behind your back?" Taehyung says slowly, the anger evident in his tone. "You think I'm a fucking cheater?"

"Who knows Tae? I don't even know what goes on anymore," Jeongguk whispers, his heart feeling heavy in his chest. Taehyung shakes his head, chuckling bitterly to himself.

"Did Grace tell you that?" Taehyung asks suddenly, his expression blank. He's not sure what's going through Taehyung's mind. He's just standing there, staring at the ground.

Jeongguk frowns, his eyebrows bunching together. "No she didn't. You don't get it do you?" Jeongguk whispers, hurt.

"Get what? You're not telling me anything," Taehyung spats, averting his intense gaze from the ground to Jeongguk. Jeongguk steps back, swallowing thickly.

"I care about you okay? All you do is lie and smile like you have no probelms when you do. You never tell us what's wrong when we just want to help," Jeongguk cries out, his voice small and shaky. He shakes his head, trying to blink back the tears burning at his eyes.

"You can't help me Jeongguk," Taehyung snaps. Jeongguk nods numbly, biting down on his lip as he looks at his feet. Taehyung never yells at him, yet here he is. Yelling.

"You don't know if we don't try," Jeongguk tries, trembling with a whole mess of emotions causing havoc inside of him. Taehyung laughs bitterly, shaking his head frantically as he shoves his fingers through his hair.

"There's no use trying, doll. There's no such thing as a savior, or a superhero that's gonna change your life into a perfect fucking dream," Taehyung laughs, laughs because it hurts - laughs because he can't keep it in anymore.

"This is real fucking life we're talking about. You can't expect to make a fucking change when things are already fated for some people. You can't save people from depression or from doing bad things. People are the way they are for a reason, and those people - like me -don't need saving," Taehyung spits out, his words trembling and thick with pain.

Jeongguk tenses, the tears flowing from his eyes uncontrollable at this point. He hiccups, shaking his head sadly. Taehyung scoffs, shoving his tongue in his cheek when Jeongguk doesn't reply.

"I can handle things on my own, okay?" Taehyung's tone suddenly softens, the pain evident in his words.

"Alright," Jeongguk replies, his eyes falling shut as he wipes away his tears with the back of his hand. "I get it."

He's met with silence, and when he opens his eyes, Taehyung's already gone.

▂▂▂▂▂

here's some tissues and
my love and apologies 💛