[ 31. back to reality ]
T A E H Y U N G

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"Glad to see you're feeling better," Rachel's voice is the first thing he wakes up to the next day, but it's not the first thing he worries about.

He turns his head towards his window, squinting slightly as he notices sunlight pouring through the cracks. Taehyung realizes he didn't go to Jeongguk last night to comfort him. Of all nights to miss, he can't live with himself for not being there.

Taehyung shoots up in his bed, but the moment he tries to move he cries out when something sharp stabs at his ribs. He grimaces, slowly lying himself back down, confusion swarming his mind. The pain lingers, aching and pinching at his insides.

"Your dad said to take deep breaths," Rachel says, and he can hear the click of her heels against the wooden floor. He squeezes his eyes shut, following her instructions yet each breath he takes seems to be more labored than the first.

It takes him a moment to understand what's going on. He doesn't remember returning home last night, and the last fragment of his memories that he can clearly picture is Jason lunging at him. After that, he can't quite remember anything; his mind is just a tangled mess of vague moments poorly put together.

"What are you doing here?" Taehyung says, sucking in a deep breath. Rachel sits herself down beside his bed.

"I live here," She chuckles. Rachel helps him lift his shirt up, surprisingly being careful as she places the ice pack over his ribs.

He hisses, the ice burning at his tender skin at first. After a couple minutes, his body begins to feel better slowly but surely. Rachel gently takes his hand into her own warm hands, helping him hold the ice in place.

It's been so long since the last time his mother and he had sat together in silence. Neither one of them are fighting or screaming. Rachel's actually doing her part as a mother, though Taehyung can't seem to ignore the tug in his gut.

"Why?" Taehyung asks. None of this feels right to him. Rachel looks up at him, and for a split second he can see the mother he used to love in her eyes. It's gone in seconds, however, as Rachel replaces her softened expression for one made of hard stone.

"Don't forget that you're my son," Rachel says. Taehyung nods stiffly, not entirely believing her. He watches Rachel take a glass and a napkin off his sidetable. She hands it to him, telling him to take it.

"Pain medication your dad left," She explains. Taehyung doesn't hesitate any further and swallows it down, craving for a remedy to heal the aching sensation licking flames up his chest.

"What do you really want Rachel?" Taehyung gives her the cup, and she takes it back, setting it on the nightstand. Rachel stays silent for a moment, her piercing green eyes meeting his for a brief second before she turns her gaze back to her lap.

"Didn't your dad tell you?" Rachel murmurs. Taehyung shakes his head, the skin between his eyebrows creasing slightly. Rachel's lips pull into a gentle smile that doesn't suit her at all.

"We got a call from your therapist earlier today, and they said you were healed," Rachel says. Taehyung's eyes instantly splay wide, "W-What?"

"No more therapy for you. Aren't you happy it worked?" Rachel asks, smiling wide. Taehyung doesn't know what to say. He blinks a few times, letting the information sink in. They still don't know he was outed yesterday?

"R-really?" Taehyung says, still unable to register everything that's going on. Rachel nods again, but the smile she wears doesn't assure him at all. Taehyung gulps, feeling his head begin to sway.

"I asked your father about moving back to New York, and he's considering it. We can go back to how things were, and you'll be with your friends!" Rachel continues, the excitement in her voice making his stomach plunge. Taehyung nods slowly, his mind spinning even more.

If Rachel told him this a couple months ago, he would have been running to the next plane out of Memphis in seconds. Of course he misses his friends and his old life back in New York, but Memphis is starting to feel like home. To be more specific, Jeongguk is his home.

He's built a better life for himself in Memphis. He's found new friends that understand him and are willing to stand by his side. He's made brand new memories with the best people. In fact, the best moments of his life have been spent with Jeongguk, Grace, and Justin. He can't just leave them now.

New York carries more pain than Memphis does. Open wounds and new scars are still yet to heal, and despite it being the place he only ever knew, he doesn't want to go back anymore. He wants to explore the rest of what life has to offer with his new friends, with the love of his life.

But knowing Rachel, she always gets what she wants from his dad.

"Oh, and there's someone downstairs that claims they know you. He wants to speak to you by the way," Rachel says, stopping Taehyung's train of thought. His jaw sets, watching her leave his room and go down the staircase to the livingroom.

He expects it to be Jason, but Jason wouldn't show up in his house again after the fight. He knows him well enough to know Jason's afraid of him. Justin is out of town, Grace is a girl, and Jeongguk would have entered through the window—

"Hey there Kim," Steven says, standing by the doorway. "I just wanted to see if you're okay."

"Is that it?" Taehyung asks, frowning. Steven chuckles awkwardly, scratching the side of his neck. He lingers by the door, unsure whether to step inside.

Taehyung presses his lips together. He supposes Steven isn't here to start a fight and gestures him to come in. Steven shuts the door behind him and joins him, sitting down on the chair beside his bed. Neither one of them look at one another, instead focusing their attention to their laps.

It's silent between the two of them, mostly because Taehyung has no idea what to say to Steven and vice versa. He remembers the last time they talked at the Lake cabin, which ended with Taehyung yelling at him, too blinded by hate to listen to what he had to say.

"I'm sorry," Taehyung blurts out, the nauseating feeling that consumed him fading away into something more heavier, more suffocating. He gulps back the lump forming in his throat, the memories of that night pooling into his mind.

"I should be saying sorry first," Steven says right back, eyes wide. Taehyung chuckles softly to himself, his voice breaking slightly as reality hits him. It crushes him in seconds before he can even get a chance to collect himself.

"Kim, I'm so fucking sorry for everything. I-I just had to save you to let you know, you know?" Steven whispers. "I shouldn't have acted that way. Jeon and I were friends back then, and I-I really should have acted more like a friend than an asshole."

"You don't have to be sorry. Everyone here always acts like that anyways," Taehyung says, letting out a laugh void of any humor. He lifts his gaze from his lap, noticing how Steven's head is hanging low.

"But you're still a person," Steven murmurs, fidgeting with his fingers on his lap. "I thought about it over when I realized how much you love one another. I-I couldn't live with myself if I took that away from you," He says, his voice wavering.

"Steven," Taehyung's words trail off. Steven shakes his head, running his hands through his hair. "It's not your fault. I called you things too. Don't forget that," Taehyung points out.

"Rumors are rumors, Kim. I don't blame you for thinking of me like that," Steven interrupts him. "You had the right to think I was a shitty person," He whispers, swallowing thickly.

"Both of us are shitty people," Taehyung gestures at the both of them. The edges of his lips flutter into a small smile. Steven ends up smiling as well, the tension between them both slowly easing.

"Seriously though, Ki— I mean, T-Tieyoung," Steven's ears begin to turn red the moment he says his name. Taehyung laughs at his mistake, slightly wincing at the dull stab to his side. Everybody botches his name, but Steven seems to have messed it up the most.

"It's Teh-hyung," He corrects him. Steven winces, visibly cringing at himself. Taehyung shakes his head, still smiling "Maybe you should stick with Kim." Steven nods, chuckling a little.

"Well Kim," Both of them meet each other's eyes, equally wide smiles spreading across their faces, "As much as I don't like the idea of homosexuality, that doesn't allow me to make your life hell. You do things differently, but you're still a person."

"If only I knew what Jason was going to do, I would have convinced him it wasn't a good idea. I knew he was going to hurt him, but I didn't think he was going to rape him," Steven whispers, the smile he wears slipping off his face. "It was my fault all of this started."

"No it wasn't. You couldn't have known," Taehyung says, his eyebrows drawing together. "I should have listened to you. It's not just your fault."

"Kim, you don't get it," Steven says, his voice crackling slightly. He looks up from his lap, gulping. "I could have stopped this a long time ago."

"What do you mean?" Taehyung asks, frowning. Steven exhales shakily, running his hands down his face. Taehyung's confused, not quite sure what he means.

"I'm sure you know back then, Jeongguk, Jason, and I were pretty good friends. We were all really close but then out of nowhere, something changed between Jason and Jeon," Steven begins to explain. Taehyung's jaw sets, realizing what's he's trying to say. He juts his chin forward, telling him to continue.

"Jeon was different— way different. He was more religious than he is today, and the kid lived and breathed everything his parents taught him. He biked over to my house one night, and he was really quiet," Steven says. "I let him in, and we played video games for a bit until he told me Jason did something."

"He told me Jason was acting weird, so I asked him what was wrong 'cause I've never seen Jeon that angry. He was a good kid, but at the time he was totally livid. So he told me Jason was talking about the possibility of liking the same gender," Steven continues. "He was totally horrified that Jason was actualy acceptive of it, and he thought Jason was a homosexual."

"Jason's gay?" Taehyung interrupts him, his eyes widening. Steven hums, scratching the side of his neck before shaking his head. "No, he isn't."

"You know how Justin Johnson got outed right?" Taehyung nods, taking in the information slowly. "Well his younger brother Michael is gay like you said. Jason lied about Justin to get him out of it, because you know, their parents are really religious."

"Wait what? So why does Jason hate Jeongguk?" Taehyung asks, a little confused. Some of this still doesn't add up at all. Steven sighs shakily, the corners of his lips tugging into a half-grin.

"Jason was talking about his brother that night, but Jeongguk thought he was telling him he was gay. It was a huge misunderstanding, and Jeongguk told his parents," Steven explains, and suddenly everything begins to click together piece by piece.

"Then what happened?" Taehyung asks, part of him still unable to comprehend what's going on. He didn't expect this, fuck, he didn't think this is what happened.

"His parents told Jason's, and the poor kid got a lot of shit from them. They sent him to this anti-gay camp for a year, and when he came back, he wasn't the same Jason I knew," Steven murmurs. "I did some research about the camp, and apparently it got shut down due to complaints from parents saying their kids suffered extreme mental abuse."

"So that's why Jason hates him? How come he never tried to talk to Jeongguk about it?" Taehyung asks, sitting up. He grimaces at the pain, but he ignores it, instead focusing on the urge to find Jeongguk.

"Woah settle down," Steven says, placing his hand on his shoulder, carefully lowering him back down on the bed. "You're still healing, buddy."

"T-Tell me why Jeongguk and Jason never talked," Taehyung says through gritted teeth, trying hard to ignore how his ribs feel like they're on fire. Steven lays him back down and takes the ice pack, helping him ice his bruises.

"Jason may sound like a bad person, but he loves his brother. He'd take a bullet for the little guy," Steven explains, letting Taehyung hold the ice as he pulls his blankets up to his waist. "And plus, everything happened so fast they just didn't get a chance to clear things up."

"That doesn't justify what that bastard did," Taehyung snaps, his breath hitching in his throat when it feels like somebody punched him right in the ribs. "Y-You can't rape someone for r-revenge."

"I know. I should have made them talk it out when I got the chance," Steven whispers, leaning back in his chair, covering his face with his palms.

"It wasn't your fault. It was something between the two of them," Taehyung says. He clutches his stomach, willing his eyes shut as his body feels like it's being engulfed by hell. Sweat plasters his hair to his forehead, coating his body in slick.

"Funny I tell myself that everyday, but it's sad how people work," Steven chuckles. However, the smile he wears instantly falls when he notices Taehyung struggling.

"Shit, you need to get some rest. You're overworking yourself staying up," Steven says, getting up. Taehyung tries to say something but his throat is swelled shut. Through slitted eyes he watches him turn on the fan in his room and open the window to where Jungkook's bedroom is.

"I guess it's my time to leave. I'll let your mom know you're getting sick," Steven lingers by his bedside. He crouches down to his level. Taehyung can feel his stare on him. He hears him sigh.

"You changed Jeongguk for the better," Steven says, reaching over and patting his shoulder. "Without you, that kid wouldn't know how to live. I'm sorry I tried to break you both apart."

"I'm sorry too," Taehyung murmurs, a weak smile twitching on his lips. He doesn't know why he's feeling so tired, though he supposes Steven's right. He's overworking himself trying to stay up.

"See you later Kim," Steven squeezes his shoulder one last time before getting up. Just as he's about to leave, he stops by the door, hand lingering on the doorknob. Taehyung watches him turn around, his adams apple bobbing visibly.

"I hope you two end up together," Steven says before exiting his room and shutting the door.

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It's night time when Taehyung wakes up again. He's not at all surprised he's been out for so long, and thankfully, the pain in his ribs has faded down to a dull ache that he can tolerate.

He shifts up into his bed, taking deep breaths like he's been instructed to. He notices his dinner sitting on his desk, probably left there by one of his parents. It's too late for them to be walking around, and he guesses they're already in their room by the faint sound of the television playing narby.

Taehyung swings over the side, the pads of his feet connecting with the cool floor. He glances over at the open window, feeling his heart slowly begin to race when he sees Jungkook's lamp is on.

Remembering Steven's explanation, he doesn't find himself getting angry at Jeongguk. It wasn't his fault, especially since he's been raised to think like that. He doubts Jeongguk knew what the consequences were, but his hatred for Jason still burns inside of him.

Rape isn't revenge, it's a crime, and it doesn't justify anything. Sure it's been years, and the two of them should have talked it out, but raping someone to out them is no way to deal with things.

To him, Jason is still a fucking monster, and nothing can change that for him.

Taehyung gets to his feet, wobbling slightly as he holds his stomach. He winces, the dull ache in his tummy sends a sharp stab to his side. Taehyung's gaze falls onto the flashlight on his desk, and on instant, he limps towards it.

He snatches it off his desk and fumbles it in his long fingers until he finds the switch. Taehyung limps towards Jeongguk's window, aiming it with hopes Jeongguk can see it. He flicks it on and off, praying Jeongguk will open his window.

After a while, Taehyung's about to give up. Suddenly, as he turns off his flashlight, Jeongguk's window is propped up. Hands beginning to tremble, Taehyung flashes the light to see Jeongguk standing by the window, sniffling.

Taehyung discards the flashlight to the ground and tries to run to his window. He fails, instead doing more of a fast limp type of thing, but that doesn't stop him. He climbs over his window, carefully moving so that he won't hurt himself.

In minutes he's climbing over the small gap between their roofs and into Jeongguk's window. He's already out of breath, and his ribcage hurts like hell, but it's worth it.

"Fuck, come here," Taehyung whispers, not at all expecting Jeongguk to look like this. His eyes are bloodshot and puffy, and tears still stain his round cheeks. He holds his arms out, and it's not long until Jeongguk comes into his arms.

He holds him close, burying his head into the crook of his neck as Jeongguk lets out a muffled sob into his shoulder. Taehyung hums, rubbing his back up and down as the two slowly fall down to the floor.

Jeongguk grabs fistfuls of his shirt, his small body being wrecked by painful sobs that escape his mouth. Taehyung can feel his heart shattering in his chest, just seeing his baby like this hurting him more than any injury he receives.

"It's okay my love, I'm here," Taehyung tangles his fingers into his hair, blinking away the tears burning at the back of his eyes.

"Don't worry. I'm right here," He presses shaky kisses to Jeongguk's temples, murmuring to him everything will be alright yet down he knows that isn't true. Things won't be okay for awhile.

"T-Taehyung t-they don't l-love me," Jeongguk hiccups, his words caught in his sobs. "T-They h-hate me cuh-cause I'm g-gay."

Taehyung tenses, realizing what 'they' means slapping him across the face. He wraps his arms around him tighter despite the fact he's hurting too. All he wants to do is take away Jeongguk's pain if it means he suffers more. It doesn't matter as long as Jeongguk is happy.

"Baby, don't listen to them," Taehyung's voice begins to break, the familiarity of this situation hitting to close to his own memories. Except now, he has someone to hold, to rely on.

"W-what do I d-do?" Jeongguk pulls away to look at him, his doe eyes big and red. Taehyung reaches up to wipe away his tears with a shaky thumb. He doesn't say a word, for once not knowing what to do.

"Wh-what happened— happened to y-you?" Jeongguk gasps, worry flooding his features when he notices how busted up Taehyung's face is. His soft touch brushes over the bruises and cuts on his face, causing Taehyung to hold his breath.

"They beat me up, love, but it's okay. Trust me, I'm okay," Taehyung says. Jeongguk's bottom lip begins to quiver, but Taehyung quickly pulls him back into his arms, unable to witness him cry any longer.

"Y-you're hurt b-because of m-me," Jeongguk cries out, feeling limp in Taehyung's arms. Taehyung shakes his head, leaning back to get a better look at Jeongguk's face. He cups his cheeks with his hands, his vision slightly blurred.

"As long as it wasn't you, I can take it. I'll protect you love from them. I promise I'll fucking protect you," Taehyung says. Jeongguk's fingers curl around his wrists, gently pulling him away.

"You c-can't protect me anymore," Jeongguk whispers, taking his hands into his. "I-I have to do this— do this on my o-own, okay?" He says.

"N-No, I promise you I'll try harder. Jeongguk, please," Taehyung swipes at his eyes but the tears came anyway. Jeongguk shakes his head, squeezing his hands. "P-Please Tae, give up."

"I won't give you up," He whispers, "I c-can't."
Jeongguk lets go of his hands, wiping at his cheeks with his sleeve. He gets up to his feet, turning to his bed where Taehyung notices a suitcase for the first time.

"W-where are you going?" Taehyung asks, the words that leave his lips not sounding like his own. He grabs Jeongguk's wrist, pulling him back to him but the boy won't meet his eyes.

"Y-you'll get m-mad at me," Jeongguk swallows. Taehyung cups his cheeks with his palms, tilting his gaze up to meet his own. His hands are trembling like crazy, and with each tear that slips down his cheek, the words he wants to say get tangled on his tongue.

"J-Jeongguk I could never be mad at you," He says, gently squeezing his face. "Y-You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, my love. You don't know how many t-times you've saved me. I-I thought of you every time the therapy got to my head, love. I adore everything about you."

"T-tae, they want me to l-leave," Jeongguk shakes his head, pulling himself away from Taehyung's grasp. Taehyung's head is spinning. He doesn't want to hear what he's going to say because he already knows.

"Love, w-we can run away together! We can g-go to California and b-be happy," Taehyung says. He tries to reach for him again, but Jeongguk steps aside, slowly shaking his head. He swallows, shoving his fingers through his hair, turning his back to him.

"T-tell me more," Jeongguk whispers. Taehyung feels his arms wrap around his waist, his cheek resting on his back. He sucks in a deep breath, broken laughter escaping his lips.

"W-we will live in a nice neighborhood by the beach. I'd w-want to make love to you every single night and never f-forget to remind you how beautiful you are," Taehyung says, entangling his fingers with Jeongguk's. Jeongguk nods, sniffling.

"I w-want to wake up every morning with you, share every best part of my life with you, and raise a-a family with you," Taehyung slowly turns himself around, his arms snaking around Jeongguk as he holds him close to his heart.

"I know we're young and this is probably gonna sound stupid, but fuck, Jeongguk I want to spend my life with you." Taehyung says, resting his cheek on his head. "I love you, so much."

Jeongguk remains silent, and Taehyung can already feel him releasing his arms from around him. Sniffling softly, Taehyung's chest is hollow; every part of him feels numbed and emptied as though someone took away every last bit of his emotions.

He barely feels the ghost of Jeongguk's lips on his, not even his mouth able to move. It's like a tiny spark that can fades before a flame can start. It's barely there and not enough to make him feel alive.

"T-they found a therapy clinic in Nashville," Jeongguk says. Taehyung shakes his head, coiling his fingers into fists.

"Don't go Jeongguk. Please, don't go," Taehyung says, his throat beginning to tighten. He so desperately wants to hold onto him and never let go, but Jeongguk's already made his choice.

"If you go, I'll never see you again," Taehyung whispers, knowing this is his last attempt to convince Jeongguk to stay. He wipes at his eyes, struggling to breath properly.

"I know," Jeongguk sighs. "We expected this, Tae. You can't be mad at me." Taehyung shakes his head, too numb to answer.

He's already turning to head back to his room, wanting Jeongguk to tell him to stay. It's a selfish thought, really, though his emotions are in such a tangle he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know what to say, and there's no way he's saying goodbye.

But when Jeongguk says nothing as he returns to his room, he doesn't have to say it to know this is the end. This is their reality, and as much as he wishes it isn't, life has to be cruel like that.

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this fic really makes me sad
like i don't think i've ever felt
this hurt by one of my books fhdjs

also, this last installment of the
book is only 10 chapters! the end
is near and i'm not ready fusidigjd

love you guys, and i hope
you're not too sad ): 💛