this chapter is kind of dumb and i??? don't like it???? anyways um i can feel myself slowly losing motivation to write this so HOPEFULLY i get over that and finish this because i don't want this to become another abandoned project ugh

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word count: 2391
warnings: a bit of swearing
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Part Six: I Wish to be Alone Sometimes

Arthur wouldn't have left his house that weekend even if he had to. Monika's harsh words were the only thing swirling through his foggy mind; he was so broken up about it even his mother was worried about him.

"i don't want to see you, i don't want to speak to you, i don't want to think about you!"

her pained, angry outburst played on repeat again as he slouched on the couch, legs bouncing nervously, cigarette dangling in his hand. he stared at the ceiling, lower lip trembling as he fought back tears for what may have been the tenth time that day, and it wasn't even three o'clock. Monika hated him, didn't she? she hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. he loved her and she'd never love him back, huh? sure, maybe he shouldn't have lingered in the hallway to eavesdrop on her conversation with that blonde woman, who's voice sounded like molasses, and maybe it was wrong for him to sit just far away enough at the bar that he could watch her without being seen, but, god, it all still hurt so much, and it was driving him crazy.

"Happy, you need to get off that couch and eat something." his mother chided, sitting in the armchair to his left. "you haven't eaten in days, i don't know what's bothering you so much."

"she doesn't love me." was all Arthur was able to choke out, his voice barely audible. "she'll never love me."

"well, whoever she is, she surely won't be able to love you if you starve to death. go make yourself a snack right now, mister." his mother nudged him, but he didn't move.

"i'm not hungry." Arthur mumbled.

"you haven't eaten since thursday."

"i'm not hungry, Ma."

"you need food."

"i'm not fucking hungry!"

he sat up straight, glaring at his mother. she raised an eyebrow, an almost defiant expression on her face. she simply shook her head and turned back towards the tv.

and that was how most of the weekend went. they'd argue about whether or not Arthur needed to take care of himself, usually over things like showering or eating, but then they'd both give up and leave it alone.

but his mother didn't know how much he loved Monika. he loved her so much and she felt nothing for him. it was enough to break anyone's heart, and Arthur didn't know how to handle it. he couldn't help but feel like it was his own fault she didn't love him. or maybe it really was his own fault and he was just trying to convince himself that wasn't a fact, and just another one of his intrusive thoughts.

the weekend droned on, and monday morning eventually rolled around. there was almost no food left in the kitchen, and Arthur's mother insisted he go shopping, if not for his sake, then for her's. he didn't really want to go, given that meant he'd have to actually make himself look like a human being and not some rat that lived in the walls, which is what he currently looked like.

but he had to take care of himself eventually, right?

Arthur stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, his hair wet, only a towel around his waist. he had taken a brief shower, again, per his mother's insistance, but it didn't make him feel any better like she'd said it would. he felt just as shitty as before, but now his hair was wet, and so was the rest of him.

"no wonder Monika doesn't love you." he said to himself, placing his hands on the sides of the sink. "look at you.
you're useless. you can't even take care of yourself."

he shut his eyes and let out a deep, tired sigh. he didn't want to look at himself anymore.

as Arthur began to put on the clothes he'd set aside for himself, he wondered what he was even going to say to Monika during his appointment wednesday. part of him thought maybe he should have asked for a different therapist, so then they could be together, but he knew if he had done that he likely wouldn't have ever seen her again. what reason would she have to bother with someone like him if she had no obligation to? he wished she'd be more willing to break the rules for him.

it was nearly noon, the grocery store was cold and almost completely silent, aside from the lifeless pop music playing softly over the radio. it was only a short walk from Arthur's apartment, and he planned to return home immediately after picking up a few necessities. he had never liked the way he felt under the fluorescent lights. he hadn't liked them ever since the incident on the subway a few days before he had kissed Monika.

he'd tried to push the whole incident from his mind but it was hard when the whole city talked about it. in fact, he was surprised Monika hadn't mentioned it in her drunken state that night. but it wouldn't have made a difference anyways- she didn't know he killed those three guys and she didn't need to know. nobody did.

as he continued through the aisles, the sight of a petite woman with short curly hair caught his attention. she was standing in the candy aisle, an unreadable expression on her face. the coat she wore was much too thin for the chilly late autumn temperatures outside, and the lack of tights on her legs signified to Arthur she either didn't care about being chilly, or that she was the type of person to do what she liked regardless of any other factors.

but he recognized her from somewhere. something about her was so familiar it killed him that he couldn't place his mind on where he had seen her. did she work at Dr. Mercado's office? no, the only blonde woman there was much taller. maybe he had seen her when he was working? he often got sent to kids' birthday parties and the like, it was possible she had been some little brat's mom, and that was why he couldn't figure out who she was, due to having come across so many.

another woman entered the candy aisle, walking towards the blonde. Arthur recognized her too. her skin was tan, and her hair was a brilliant, fiery amber.

"there you are, Evelyn! are you almost ready? i don't want to spend my entire break at the fuckin grocery store." the red haired woman said, standing beside the other. Evelyn. even her name seemed familiar.

"oh, i was just thinking of getting a treat for Monika. she's seemed really distant lately, hasn't she?" Evelyn, the blonde replied.

the realization that Arthur only recognized these two women because he had stalked Monika last week hit him like a pile of rocks to the face, and he felt bad about himself all over again, replaying her reaction to his presence at the bar over and over. he felt laughter begin to rise in his throat, painful, agonizing laughter.

Evelyn and the other woman glanced over at him, concern and confusion written on their faces. Arthur probably looked like a loon, standing at the end of the candy aisle, laughing his ass off over nothing.

"i-i-i'm sorry, i'm sorry." he sputtered, his cheeks flushed with shame. "i-i have a condition, i'm sorry."

"no need to apologize, you haven't done anything wrong." Evelyn said sympathetically.

"um, i couldn't help but overhear... do you know Monika Vandertramp, by any chance?" he questioned, taking a few steps towards them.

"um, yes. how do you know her?"

"we're, er, friends. yeah. friends."

"well, Cara and I work with her. i guess you could say we're her friends too."

the other woman, Cara, rolled her eyes.

"we don't have all day to chit chat, Evelyn." she scoffed. "just get the candy, come on!"

Evelyn turned to Arthur.

"what would you buy her? i've noticed she's been kind of down in the dumps lately, so-"

"i think she'd like some chocolate." Arthur grabbed a sea salt caramel chocolate bar off the shelf, handing it to Evelyn, his hands shaking it ever so slightly. she raised an eyebrow.

"really? i always took her as more of a gummy bears kind of girl, but, you probably know her better than me."

"i doubt that. but, when you see her, could you please let her know that Arthur says he's really, really sorry for making her mad? and that he didn't intend to upset her?"

Evelyn raised an eyebrow, her blue eyes widening ever so slightly. Arthur couldn't tell if she was suspicious of him, uncomfortable, or both.

"um, sure. you have a nice day now, okay?" she smiled, although it seemed a bit forced, and turned to exit the aisle, Cara following at her heels, already saying something to her about how much of a wacko he was.

Arthur finished the rest of the shopping quickly, feeling even worse than he had when he left the house.

the next two days were just the same as the weekend was, although his mother forced him to eat a sandwich this time, very concerned he hadn't eaten since thursday.

but then it was wednesday afternoon. Arthur had to go see Monika again at four o'clock. he wasn't ready, really. not really ready to face the actual repercussions of the whole 'following her to the bar' thing. he knew she'd probably still be mad, but having to actually experience her being mad was a different thing entirely.

but it wasn't like he could just not go. then she'd surely know he wasn't there on purpose.

the waiting room in the social services building felt even more big and empty than it had last week. the clock on the wall ticked too loud as the second hand made its rotation. the woman behind the front desk typed too loud. someone sneezed. Arthur was about to leave and just go home, feeling like the walls were closing in on him, anxiety and dread slowly, painfully, crushing him, like he was just a little bug at the mercy of someone's shoe, but Monika swung the door open just a moment too soon.

"Arthur?" She said, her expression unreadable. he stood up and followed her back to her office.

he sat down on the small sofa, folding his hands in his lap, bowing his head, as was habit for him. Monika took a seat in her own chair, crossing her legs.

"Arthur, i'd just like to say i'm sorry for the way i treated you last week. at Tino's." Monika started, her face still blank, emotionless. "i was upset, and i think i overreacted. i shouldn't have yelled, i'm really, really sorry for exploding on you like that."

"no, it's okay. i shouldn't have followed you there." he responded. "you have every right to be upset."

Monika smiled, a genuine smile that reached her eyes. Arthur felt his heartbeat quicken, and he smiled too. her cheeks flushed a rosy pink color when his eyes met hers, and she looked away, directing her gaze to the papers spread out on her desk.

"now, i've given some thought to medications for you, and i think-"

"actually, i think we should talk about us." Arthur interrupted, a sudden irrational wave of confidence washing over him. part of him knew it was totally a mistake to bring it up when he should just throw it under the rug, but he didn't know when, or if he'd get another chance.

"um, what?" Monika giggled nervously. "there's nothing-"

"i think i might be in love with you."

Monika's eyes widened, and all she could manage to do was blink in awe a couple of times.

"in love with... with me?" she breathed, her voice barely more than a whisper, cheeks bright red, finely manicured hands trembling. Arthur nodded. "we can't... i've told you a million times, nothing can happen between us. you can't be in love with me."

"i know. but if i decide to go see another doctor i won't ever see you again. will i?"

Monika looked away, biting her lip. it told Arthur all he needed to know. he had assumed correctly.

"Arthur you can't love me. you shouldn't love me. just because i kissed you and you liked it doesn't mean you love me." she scoffed.

"would i have tried to follow you home because i didn't trust that guy at the bar if i didn't love you?"

"well, I-"

"Monika, i wouldn't have done any of the things i've done if i didn't love you."

"what, follow me to a social gathering with my coworkers? harass Evelyn and Cara at the grocery store? they told me about that, you know! just because you love me doesn't make any of what you did okay, Arthur!"

"Monika, i'm sorry!"

there was a long silence. Monika leaned back, placing her hands over her eyes, sighing deeply. she faced him again, unshed tears pooling in her eyes.

"i'm going on a date this weekend Arthur. at a nice restaurant near my house." she started. Arthur was silent. "i don't know if you've ever been there - it's the italian place on the corner of 5th avenue and 12th street."

"i think i've been by it once or twice." Arthur replied softly.

"i don't want you anywhere near there on saturday night, okay?" she snapped, her gaze cold and stern. "i want to enjoy myself this weekend without having to worry about being stalked. so can you just please stay away from me? just this weekend."

Monika's expression was steely but her voice was tender and soft, wavering a bit as she spoke. it sunk in to Arthur how much he'd hurt her, and realized he'd been the bad guy this whole time.

"i'm so sorry Monika." he muttered. "i promise i'll leave you alone."

"thank you. now, let's get down to business, shall we?" she shifted, grabbing a pale green folder with 'Arthur Fleck' written in curly letters near the top. Arthur forced a small smile, but when she looked up and smiled back at him, all her anger seemingly pushed aside, the smile didn't feel so forced anymore.