Emma woke up in her room, not even sure when she'd fallen asleep.

She dimly remembered getting back to the house, a flurry of voices as the X-men who were there wanted to know who they'd found, and a lot of anxious talking about what had been discovered.

At some point Emma had collapsed, she just wasn't sure when.

She ached all over from getting tossed around and the stress.

But worst of all, she suddenly remembered that her secret was out.

How long before the whole house knew?

Sitting up, she realized she could hear music playing, of all things.

https://youtu.be/qn9A09G1OGc

https://youtu.be/yEtYb_XDqjY

It was coming from one of those portable boomboxes that the 80s had in abundance.

Emma tried to get up and realized she was still in the same clothes as yesterday.

She walked slowly to her closet and pulled out fresh ones, wincing.

She had just finished getting dressed when someone knocked on the door, and Shine came in, looking at her with concern.

"Good morning," she said.

"Is it morning?" Emma asked.

"Almost noon, but technically, yes," Shine said. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Not really." Emma sat back down on her bed and picked up a brush listlessly. "I suppose you know by now what happened."

"Scott did not take long to mention it," Shine admitted. "But I knew even before. I could just tell. I'm sorry, Emma."

"Why would you be sorry? You told me it would happen," Emma said. She put the brush in her lap. "This situation couldn't get any worse, could it?"

"I'm afraid to know the answer to that." Shine walked in. "I've cried some tears of frustration since yesterday, believe me...but I had Wally and Storm and Kurt and even the kids trying to cheer me up. And I thought to myself, Emma doesn't have anyone, so I came to check on you."

"Oh, don't bother about me." Emma didn't sound as careless as she wanted to. "Go attend to your duties."

Shine instead sat down on the footboard of the bed, which had a rail. Not very comfy looking but she seemed to like balancing.

"Come on, Emma," she said seriously. "Would it really be so bad just to let someone in just a little bit? What do you have to lose?"

Nothing. Nothing at all.

"I did something," Emma said, "To my mind...I don't know what... I... It was even worse than before. Twice it was, I remember. I felt like I wanted to escape."

"I hate to ask this, but...are you feeling...perhaps depressed about this?" Shine asked. "I mean...severely depressed?"

Emma looked at her.

"Do you mean do I want to die?" she asked. "I think once was enough for that."

"It's just that many people give up at times like this," Shine said.

"You think I'd just give up that easily?" Emma said.

"Well, to be frank, Emma, I wasn't sure it was really you I was thinking of," Shine said. "This force, in your mind...it sounds like it's trying to tear you apart from the inside. Cable said something about it to me... When you said 'escape' I wasn't sure if that's what it meant."

"Well, no, I don't want to die." Emma shivered. "But I'd rather be anywhere but here."

"I understand that," Shine said.

"Do you?" Emma said bitterly. "Somehow I doubt that. This is not me, Miss Likstar. I have never acted like this in my life. Ever since it started, I don't feel like I'm the same person. And I have...absolutely no choice about it."

Suddenly she got very near tears for her. "Have you actually felt that?"

"Of course I have, Emma," Shine said seriously. "Many times. Fear does that to a person. And you are terrified."

Emma was silent.

"You're not usually afraid, are you?" Shine said.

Emma shook her head.

"Neither am I," Shine said. "So when it does happen, I feel like a different person. In a way, I am. But everyone is afraid of something. And fear makes us do very desperate things, more than anger does, more than hatred does. And it's horrible to feel, so there's not even the euphoria of hatred or anger that sometimes make them a little less painful for us. Fear is torment, Emma, the Bible says that. It's true."

"This does not help me," Emma said.

"What would help you?" Shine asked her.

Emma shrugged listlessly.

"Since you don't know, why don't you give me a chance?" Shine said candidly. "I don't mean to brag, but I've helped a lot of people, Emma. Maybe, just maybe, I know something."

Emma laughed oddly. "You ought to hear how often your advice goes through the others' minds. It's uncanny. You're like their sage on the mountain."

"That's...actually not the first time I've heard that," Shine said. "And that's very sweet. But God is the one who gives me what to say, not me, I just listen. And I do add a little from my own experience, seems to make people feel it's personal, but I'm not really smarter than anyone else. I have a gift. Like telepathy, in a way. A chance to see more than the average person. I choose to use that to help them, not hurt them."

"A lecture, really?" Emma said.

"If you feel guilty for something Emma, just say so." Shine leaned on the bedpost. "All I did was make an observation about myself. You're defensive all the time. Do you really still think that's not because you feel responsible for things too much?"

"Too much?" Emma was losing her composure. "I will tell you about responsibility, Shine. Scott thinks I am responsible for all of what happened to the X-men in our dimensions, present and future...and it's not untrue. I didn't know what would happen...but it did."

"So, your worst fear was realized," Shine said, slowly. "You really were in Raven's position this whole time. That's why you're so mean to her... You project how you feel about yourself on to her. And yet, she, in her own way, is better adjusted to it than you, and that angers you, doesn't it?"

Emma frowned at her. "You think you're so clever."

"So deny it, then," Shine said. "If that's not true, what is true? I'm giving my best guesses here."

"But you think you're right. You don't really believe you're guessing," Emma said.

"I guess you don't need to read my mind, then," Shine said. "I don't say things if I don't think they are right, Emma. Do you?"

"I don't find this comforting," Emma said.

"Deal with it," Shine said. "To help you, I need to hear you tell me the truth, for once, Emma, without trying to make it sounds like something else. Good or bad, just the truth."

Emma hesitated...

But she was desperate enough by now to not have such a strong resistance to the chance to talk about it...

"Yes, I suppose...I do envy her." She said it like it hurt. "You were right. There, I said it. Happy?"

"Only if you are," Shine said. "I'm not happy that you're in pain, Emma."

"You have no real reason to empathize with me," Emma said, "even if you try, and I don't like pity."

"I don't really pity you," Shine said. "Not for that. In a way, envying her shows you at least want that, and that's good. I pity you for how prideful you are, that you don't ask for help--not for needing help at all. We all need help. I pity people who are foolish enough to insist they don't. And who try to earn their acceptance, when acceptance is a gift, plain and simple, and a choice. And it's not something you can earn. Anyone who has to be paid for it in some way does not really accept you, they accept only the part of you they find convenient."

Emma frowned at her again.

"On the other hand, you're irritated with me because I won't let you do that," Shine said. "You cannot impress me with your maturity, intellect, or powers, even if you had them. I annoy a lot of people because of that. Your churlishness also does not frighten me." She folded her arms. "I want to talk to you, Emma, no strategic attack, no angle to work, nothing."

Emma gasped suddenly.

"What?" Shine thought something was wrong.

"Oh...nothing," Emma said. "You just reminded me of Wolverine for a moment... He used to say I was always working an angle."

She fingered her brush. "He was right. I do that. I know I do. Deep down. Truthfully, Shine...I have forgotten if I ever didn't do that. It's just how I go through life. I have the skills to get what I want, and I've never gotten any help from anyone about it, nor did I need it. My family certainly...but that's none of your business."

"Didn't support you?" Shine shrugged. "It's more tied to this than you might think. The past is the key to the present and future, Emma. Always."

"You want to know about it?" Emma said coolly. "I don't really talk about it. My father, well, I'll spare you the details. Suffice it to say, he was a bit of a cur...the whole family was... You might call us rich snobs, I suppose. I didn't want any part of it, so I left. I was tired of them trying to control me. I've been independent ever since. I never want to hear anyone say I got where I am because of family money and influence."

"As an American, I respect that," Shine said. "As a Christian, I appreciate not wanting to be like people just because they're rich. As a woman...I can't imagine how difficult that must have been. When I finally got out of my toxic household, with my siblings, it was terrifying. Oh...I could take care of myself--I always could do that. I think we'd have a bit in common there; we both take initiative and get things done for ourselves...and both of us think no one else will help us even if we want it. Sadly, for me, that was true for a long time. It's not true anymore. I have better friends, better relationships, and I just cut off the people who wouldn't stop berating me."

She cupped her knee. "I won't ever say it was easy though. I followed God's lead to get to freedom, and it left a scar. I'm not sure it ever doesn't, having to go off on your own. At least I wasn't totally alone. That would have been horrible. I had some dark times in my life...but thanks to having some very supportive siblings, and a Christian family, for all their problems, and church connections, and later my husband, I got to actually be in need, and I discovered that are things about life you just will not learn until you've hit your all time low and had someone else help you. Things about yourself you won't know. And things about God, most importantly."

"I don't know if I believe in God," Emma said.

"You're a fool, then," Shine said. "Everything that's happened around us that's any good is because of Him, and 'by His power are we not consumed', as the Word says. If you can't see it by now, you're more dense than I thought you were."

Emma stared at her.

"You...just insulted me in so many different ways, you...fanatic," she said.

"You're the one who's the fanatic, Emma," Shine said. "You devoted all your time and energy to your own identity, and then to the Inner Circle, and put aside common sense and decency in favor of that. Isn't that what a fanatic does? I am the one who came to my senses because I believe in a Higher, Benevolent Power, who helps me. You're the fool who tries to solve things alone."

"Is that your idea of help?" Emma said.

"It's nothing against you." Shine shrugged. "I just believe that, that's all. Would you rather I pretend I didn't? It's all right--I like you even if I think you're foolish. Can you say the same about people you think are foolish?"

She caught her there. Emma was on the point of saying something else insulting and then stopped.

"That's our secret," Shine went on. "We think people are wrong, but we love them and value them anyway, or we're supposed to, even if we don't always live up to that. At least we're taught that, though. The rest of the world, as you said, crushes good people. You're right about that; the world hates good people. I should know--it hated Christians since they first came into being. And the best of us are the most hated, the martyrs and imprisoned and persecuted. But our Lord said we're blessed for that. I don't care if you insult me for being a Christian, because of that. Another jewel in my crown, as a preacher I like would say...but I wonder if you feel so confident about being hated and looked down on?"

Emma bit her lip.

"And I don't hate you," Shine said, "or look down on you. But you are human. If that feels like looking down on you, Sweetie, the problem is you, not me."

She waited.

Emma studied her.

Wishing she could read her mind, no doubt.

But giving that up, she shook her head. "You're irritating..."

"And I'm sitting here listening to you insult me, when I have a crisis to deal with." Shine suddenly was dead serious. "I have a lot of people who need help, and I need it too. You've been rude to me and my friends, and you lied to your own and then held out on them. You ignore my advice, and then you criticize me for how I give it. Yet, I sit here, and I'm not angry at you, Emma. Don't you think that's remarkable?"

Emma suddenly looked slightly ashamed.

"I...don't understand," she said.

"Because I am in Love," Shine said. "God is love...and while I get offended sometimes, and I have a temper, they all will tell you, and I'm working on not holding grudges to this day, but I find my tolerance for what actually angers me has increased steadily. Not that much does now. I don't need people to be nice to me, really, that much. I have something better than that. You know how people think and how they feel, and you must know how very, very rare that is. That's not enough to make you think twice about my faith? If the powers weren't also. I can help you, Emma, really, but God can help you the most. And He wants to, and He will want to even if you manage to make me angry enough to storm out of this room...which you could. But that won't change what I think about it."

Shine was like a battering ram of love, for people, Emma was realizing. She just kept hitting you with it until you started to break.

Emma was losing her resistance too.

She softened considerably.

"I apologize," she said. "You have been trying to help. The truth is...no one really has done that for me, ever. I don't really understand it. I also don't think I need it, most of the time... Only this situation has been too much for even me. I suppose you're right... I have something to prove. I don't understand you at all."

"Good, that's honest." Shine finally moved to the bed because she was uncomfortable on the rail. "Keep going."

Emma folded her hands together nervously. She felt cold.

"I don't know how to ask for help either," she admitted. "I never could, ever, if I could think of...anything I could do to help myself. But...I have nothing. If you have a suggestion, I will listen.... I won't take it, perhaps, but I might as well hear it."

"I'll take it," Shine said. "Tell me about what happened more. I need details. That's my process."

Emma told her, in short sentences and without a lot of emotional details.

But Shine listened carefully.

"I had guessed most of this," she said. "Cable...I might need to have a talk with him."

"Good luck with that. He won't listen," Emma said.

"I have a way of being hard to ignore," Shine said. "I'm not afraid of him. But Scott certainly didn't take it well."

"How well can you take finding that out?" Emma said. "In a way, I took everything from him."

"I suppose," Shine said. "It's dreadful, isn't it? When we hurt the people we care about the most."

"I--" Emma paused. "Oh...never mind, you already know."

"Have you ever said it aloud to someone?" Shine asked curiously. "That you have feelings for Scott?"

"No," Emma said.

"Why not?"

"Why would I?"

"You hide from yourself," Shine said, like she was reading an assessment off a chart. "You're not comfortable with being vulnerable, and affection makes you vulnerable. How very British of you, I must say. American too, though. We tend to be independent. Still, at least we can tell people how we feel."

"That would be a terrible idea," Emma said.

"Right now it might be," Shine allowed. "But it's not always. You ought to tell yourself, at least, Emma. It would help you know what to do."

"What difference does it make?" Emma said. "He hates me... I don't even blame him. I'd never let it go if someone did what I did to me, so..."

"You sound just like her." Shine shook her head in amazement.

"Whom?"

"Raven," Shine laughed lightly. "Like a clone. But Emma, I have had people I care about hate me. Trust me, Scott doesn't hate you. He's just an idiot."

"Why would you say that?" Emma said.

"I'd say it anyway," Shine said. "But then, who isn't at times? Nothing against him. I like him better, actually, than the one I know... Still miss that one, but...anyway." She shrugged. "The point is, you've got to deal with this. It's hard to take Scott's disappointment, isn't it? It was nicer when he trusted you."

Emma was quiet, but she nodded slightly.

"But at the same time, Emma, you did break that trust, and you did it--I can't lie to you about it," Shine said.

Emma nodded even more slightly. She looked more downcast than ever.

"On the other hand," Shine went on, "you did try to fix it. The one problem is, you never admitted it till now. I understand why, and I'd have hesitated also, but honesty is wiser, even when it's painful. Scott has some reason to be angry now, but he has no right to judge you even so. In your position, I believe he'd have not done differently, based on what I see of him."

"You think so? I think he would have," Emma said.

"No," Shine said. "And even if he did, Scott can be kind of judgmental, both of them...just this one is less arrogant about it."

"You barely know him," Emma said.

"I know he was angry at me," Shine said. "I know judgmental when I see it, Emma. I deal with it all the time. But I don't mind that so much. I figure he should be angry, but being angry and how you handle it are two different things, and I don't have to like the second one. You deserve the anger, maybe, but do you deserve the judgment? I don't know about that. We all deserve judgment, but from each other? We have all done things for the wrong reasons, and in the wrong ways, and few of us try to fix it completely. We just make excuses. Are you doing that?"

"Not at the moment," Emma said. "But I have. With you...you tend to shoot them down, so...I have the excuse that I thought it was right."

"And now you don't," Shine said. "So it's no longer a good excuse. I'm sorry, I'm sure this is not making you feel better."

"Not particularly." Emma felt it was torturous, actually.

"So I will tell you something that will, I hope." Shine patted her arm lightly. "I've seen people come back from worse than this. The way I see it is you have a choice. Either keep feeling sorry for yourself, or you can move forward. You have every right to be upset about what's happening to you, and I won't devalue that. But where your mistakes are concerned, don't make excuses anymore. Admit they were wrong, admit that you're sorry. And that's it. You don't owe anyone more than that, because anyone who won't accept that is a hypocrite anyway. We all need forgiveness, Emma, and if someone is genuinely sorry, we're supposed to let it go. If you try to atone for it further, you'll hurt yourself, just as you did yesterday. There's nothing else you can do. The others will have to accept that. Scott will too."

"But that's not what I want to hear," Emma protested. "I wish there was something else I could do."

"It's good," Shine said. "But it won't work. Atonement only goes so far, Emma. Jesus said this: 'Greater Love has no man than this, that he lays down his life for his friends.' There's no topping that, is there? All you can do now is learn from your mistakes and try to be better. I will say this much--if you continue to live your life manipulating people and lying to them, you learn nothing, and you do deserve, then, to be treated as such. I believed you were sorry, so I didn't treat you like that. But you must not use this as an excuse to fall back into old habits. That's not being sorry, that's just being guilty. I've seen enough of that, and so has everyone else."

She looked at her a long moment, waiting to see if she understood.

Emma had to think about that.

"That makes some amount of sense," she admitted. "But it won't make me feel less ashamed, will it?"

"No, Emma, that will take time," Shine said. "But, acting more wisely never hurts, whether you feel it or not. You didn't want pity, so...this is your other option. I believe, however, that you're tough, and you're smart enough to know that you can't stay in this limbo of self loathing forever. We'll help you, if you try to get out of it." She took her hand for emphasis and tugged it. "Every step of the way, if we can. If you shrivel up and die...we can't stop you. You like independence? You have it. But choosing to need someone is also a choice, Emma, and it's a free choice. Love doesn't have to be about depending on others to function...it's just choosing to let there be a give and take. What we can call a relationship? Have you ever had a real friend like that?"

Emma pursed her lips. "No," she said slowly. "Not sure I'm a fan of the idea."

"At least you're honest about that." Shine got up. "I know you're still worried about what happened to your mind, but you have to get through this first, Emma. If you cannot forgive yourself, we can't sort through the rest of it. I'm giving you good advice, Sweetie. Take it, please."

She waited.

Emma felt odd about this.

It was annoying in one way.

In another, it was a huge relief. Someone understood, in some way...

She felt exposed, but...oddly reassured at the same time.

"Am...am I going crazy?" she asked.

"No," Shine said. "Something else is hurting you...but you can't let it go. That's why I'm begging you, almost, to try. Just try to move a little forward with this. There's a chance we can help, if you do that...but you fight us. I know...it's weird to let someone else in there to try to poke at all in that hurt... I've been there. I can't even prove it always goes the way we want, but in the end, you become stronger when you open up, not when you shut down. You can't afford to keep going this way, also. I'm being candid with you, but it won't work if you won't try."

Emma drew a deep breath.

"I wouldn't be opposed to trying," she said. "A little... I don't know how I really feel about this still. But...I have to do something. But answer me one thing: Do you really think you can help? Or your God, or whoever can, or do you just want me to do what you want?"

"Both," Shine said. "Would you believe it if I didn't say both?"

Emma stared at her, then she finally smiled a tiny smile. "No."

"So I didn't try," Shine said. "And that's on: being honest." She gestured grandly for dramatic effect. "See? It took me years to get here, but I'm here. Jump on this train, Emma. It won't be so bad once we get past the first uphill climb. I want you to do what I want, sure. I want you to heal--of course I want you to do what I want. But I also want you to do what you want, in a way. If it's good for you. The secret to life, Emma, is wanting the right things in the right times and for the right reasons, and then actually trying to get them. That's all there really is to it. Philosophy comes down to that, if you simplify it, and so does the Bible. Jesus asked a lot of people, 'What do you want?' And he offered them healing.... Some of them almost didn't take it. We're all fools. Even me. I've spat in the face of it too, but He kept trying, and I intend to keep trying with you, so, think about it. Here."

She handed her a card she pulled out of nowhere. It was one of those quotation cards.

"I just thought of this. Maybe you'd like it. I always did."

She walked out of the room.

[Rest of quote here:

"...Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.

Living never wore one out so much as the effort not to live.

Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat.

Perfection is static, and I am in full progress.

Abnormal pleasures kill the taste for normal ones."

--Anais Nin

"Dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return." --Bible, Genesis 3:19

"While I thought that I was learning to live, I have been learning how to die" --Leonardo da Vinci

* * *

Emma still felt awful, in most ways, after that talk, but she did appear downstairs, somewhat more resolute.

One look at the others and she knew that they'd all been told since the day before.

Whether it was Scott or not didn't matter that much.

Wolverine just walked away from her as soon as he saw her.

Perhaps Shine had talked to Storm already, because she smiled like she was trying to be reassuring and asked if Emma was feeling any better.

Emma gave her a two-word answer and tried to ignore the obvious question behind the question.

She sat off to the side.

Mystique walked by her.

Emma looked up.

Mystique shrugged.

"You have something to say?" Emma said. "Go on, say it."

"Nothing," Mystique said. "I have nothing to say about it."

She slid a copy of some of the papers found in the folder toward her. "But you should look at this when you get the chance."

She walked away.

Funny, even without reading her mind, Emma understood exactly what she meant.

Mystique was in no position to gloat or to feel superior, so she wasn't going to.

Emma had a job to do, in her mind, and she wasn't going to let a little thing, like this secret finally coming out, dissuade her from making sure it happened.

Oddly...that was probably the most relieving reaction imaginable for someone like Emma. Emotions made her uneasy, even if they were kind ones, like Shine's. Business? That was easy for her.

She felt some shame though.... If their positions were reversed, would she have held back? She didn't know. Maybe...maybe not.

Swallowing, she picked up the papers and started to look over them resolutely.

[Well...a small step forward, for Emma. But we're not out of the woods. Holding my breath for what comes next.]