*10th April, 1989*

Another day with Janet, today! Me and Michael have been planning the wedding non-stop. There's a little over a month until Ryder's due, and 11 days until the wedding. Me and Janet and Emma are going out to get my dress today. I realise we've left it just a tad late, but hey, better late than never, right?

"And it's gonna have frills down the side, not, like, Victorian, ugly frills, obviously! I mean those cute ones that go on any decent dress! And it's gonna have a flowy skirt, and long, tight-fitting sleeves that really work!" Janet rabbits on about how my dress is gonna look.

"Janet, girl! As much as that dress sounds perfect, they might not have one that looks that way!" I chuckle.

Emma smirks. "They better have the perfect dress for the perfect girl!"

I smile at her nice comment.

"Thanks, Emz.. God, it's gonna be such a busy time now that the wedding's so close!"

"Yeah, girl. Eleven days now, right? And I love my dress!" Emma squeals, clearly imagining her dress in her head right this second.

"Good! And, it should be. You guys forced me to let you choose them!"

Emma rolls her eyes to the side, trying to look innocent.

"Girl, you never took acting lessons I see," I stifle a chuckle, and Emma smirks.

"I can act, for sure! You just didn't know, cos I'm so good at it. I could be acting right now! Or, I could be a ninja!" Emma strikes a fighter pose, and squats down to look.. Kung-fu..ish?

"Yeah, I'll tell Mark that you're a ninja next time I see him," I joke.

We get to the shop, and all I can see is.. white, white everywhere.

"This place is beautiful!" I say, admiring the dresses.. the wedding dresses.. one of which I would soon be wearing.. because I'm getting married..

I'm getting married to the most beautiful man in the world..

"Which one are you gonna try first?" Janet asks. I look around, not quite sure how to respond.

"Hmm.. I don't know. I'll ask the shop manageress or whoever's in charge. They can help, I'm sure," I walk to the desk, where a girl, who looks around my age, sorta.. 23, 24 years old, is sitting, staring at her computer screen.

She has blonde hair, green eyes.. never seen that before, but it works. She starts to type something, what, I'm not sure.

"Excuse me?" I demand quietly.

The girl doesn't look up. I look at her badge.

"Annie," it says.

"Uhh.. excuse me?" I say once again.

Annie doesn't move a muscle. I spot a paper bag on the side, obviously for wrapping the smaller things like jewellery and tiaras up.

I take one and blow it up. I bash my hand against it to make a loud pop, and only then does Annie look up.

"Finally! Excuse me, would you mind giving us a hand?" I demand more loudly.

She shoots a dirty look at me, then stands up.

"Sure. But you didn't have to pop a paper bag in my face."

"Uhh.. I kinda did it like a meter away. I was miles away."

Annie directs me over to the dresses, and raises her hand to point at them.

"Take your pick," she says dejectedly.

Her accent sounds English, sort of. Rather cool.

"But that's the thing, I can't pick. That's why I need your help. Which one do you suggest?"

I'm growing impatient. This girl, seriously. Must have had a poor education.

"What's going on? Annie, are you ok-- oh! Hello there, how may I help you?"

Another girl arrives on the scene, also looks about my age, but with brunette hair and sorta red eyes. Again, somehow, it works. She has an accomidating smile.

"Uh, hi.. I was wondering that, based on my appearance, what dresses do you think would look best on me? That won't make me look ridiculous?" I request kindly.

I look at this girl's badge. Diana.

"For sure! Come right this way! Annie, go for lunch."

Diana directs me to a whole new section of the store, with better dresses. Janet and Emma are just trailing behind, watching my reactions to everything.

"Ok, so, these dresses would be the most ideal for you, your shape. If I were you, I'd specifically look in this area," Diana points at a rack of about 14 dresses, and looks at me to see whether I'm happy with her help or not.

"Thank you, you've been very kind," I say, to end her curiosity.

Diana smiles and walks away. "Call me if you need anything!"

I immediately start looking through the dresses, examining each one carefully. They aren't maternity dresses, which is nice. But they're flowy, to allow room for the bump, which I like.

I pick one, with a flowy skirt and short sleeves, and a little flower on the shoulder strap. I walk into the 'try-on' section of the store, with Janet and Emma following behind.

"Girl, make sure you come and show us once you're done!" Emma says with a smile.

"Of course! I'll be right back."

I walk into a dressing room and take off my normal clothes. I slip the dress on, and zip the dress up at the back, despite it taking a long time.

Five minutes after I've entered the dressing room, I leave it, showing my appearance to the girls to get their reactions.

"Cozzy, that's pretty," Emma says. I look to Janet for her opinion.

"Yeah, Becky. You look lovely," she says.

I look down, my bump is showing too much.

"Thank you but.. I don't like how much my bump is showing."

I walk back into the changing room and try other dresses on. I don't show the girls any of them. None of them work with my appearance, or my shape. I'm a little embarrassed.

"None of them look any good!" I cry out from the dressing room, hoping that at least one of the girls will hear me.

"I'm sure they do! But, you've been in that room for over a half hour! The next dress you put on, you gotta come out and show us," I hear Janet demand.

I sigh and select a random dress, unzipping the old one and replacing it with this one. I don't even wanna look at myself now. I'm scared I'll give myself nightmares.

I open my eyes and look in the mirror at my new dress, my new appearance.

"Becky, have you put a new one on yet?" Emma asks. I sigh.

Here comes the embarrassment.

"Yes," I reply dejectedly.

I look at myself in the mirror as I hear faint footsteps. I see Emma and Janet come into the changing room, immediately their faces express a look of shock.

Am I that bad?

Emma hugs me from behind, and Janet strokes my arm.

"Becky," Emma whispers in shock. "This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

I look at myself again to see.. not me, but.. someone else. A pretty girl.. a pretty little girl.. a Princess.. a pretty little Princess that is unlike me.

My childhood comes flooding back, the time when I dressed up in a princess dress and thought I looked the business, and when I'd saunter round the house in high heels and a ton of make-up.. this was what I see now.. but, instead of looking weird, freaky, strange.. I.. I look beautiful. I actually look beautiful.

That's a first for me. I never compliment myself this way.

"Becky, you look beautiful.. you gotta pick this dress, it's perfect," Janet finally speaks up, her voice quiet from the shock of my appearance.

Maybe they're right. And maybe Michael is, too. I need to stop putting myself down all the time. It's just hard when.. you don't often think of yourself as beautiful. Beauty, for me, is a rare thing.

Emma lets go of me, and I look at myself properly. This dress is exactly how Janet described.. it has a flowing skirt, long, tight-fitting sleeves which actually work, frills that don't look ridiculous.. and it even has a little flower on the shoulder.

Mum would've loved this dress.. it's just the way she woulda planned it to look like.. I look just the way she woulda predicted.. and I truly think, for the first time ever, I do look beautiful.

I wish mum was here. She would love to see me right now.. my eyes start to tear up at the thought, and Janet spots it right from the off, stroking my arm gently.

"What's wrong, Coz?" she asks soothingly.

Emma takes my hand and I look their way, turning from the mirror.

"Mum always wanted to see me in my wedding dress.. she always used to dream of what I would look like.. she can't even do that, not ever.." I cry, Emma opening her arms to invite me into her embrace.

Janet strokes my back whilst I cry in Emma's arms. This is meant to be a good day, but the memories are all coming back, and my emotions are getting the better of me.

"You're a strong girl, Becky. Very strong. I admire you, you're a good girl. C'mon, I know it's hard baby, but just dry those tears," Janet says.

I let go of Emma and dry my tears, as she said. I force a smile.

"I'm fine.. it's just hard knowing that both my parents, my brother and my grandmother won't be there for my wedding day.. all I have is your family, Janet, and Ryan, and Emma," I reply.

I look at myself in the mirror, the dress flatters my bump rather well. But my mum isn't here to see it, and dad won't be there to give me away in 11 days time.

"We understand, Becky. You're so strong," Janet looks over at the other side of the room.

"Oh! I'll be right back! Those tiaras are amazing!"

She runs out the dressing room, leaving me and Emma alone.

"You're a strong girl, Becky. Janet's right. But you gotta try and be happy, otherwise you'll make me cry, girl," Emma dries the remainder of my tears with her thumb. "Now c'mon, cheer up, Cozzy. After this, we can do whatever you wanna do."

"Thanks Emma," I say softly. "You're the best friend a girl could have."

I hug Emma in appreciation and she hugs back. Best friend hugs, sometimes you just can't beat them. We let go of the hug, and Emma looks round, in an attempt to find where Janet's gone.

"I'll go find Janet, looks like she went far outta the place, which is funny, considering she only went to look at the tiaras. Look girl, I'll be right back. Smile, right?" Emma strokes my cheek and leaves the room.

Just me, now. I look at myself in the mirror one last time, and I gaze at my reflection. Teary-eyed, but beautiful.

If only my parents were here to see this.

I place my right hand on my left shoulder, imagining mum's touch. I place my other hand on my back, imagining my dad's touch.

Now I'm hugging myself, but I'm imagining it's my parents. My parents are the ones hugging me. I look down at my body, my bump, which I now realise is a gift, not a way to punish me, to make me ugly. My child is in there. My beautiful, innocent, unborn son. Part of me and Michael.

I imagine Jack's hands messing up my hair, like he did when we were younger, when we'd do nothing but play fight until one of us grew too tired, or one of us wanted a break.

I imagine my grandmother's wise yet hyper words: "You're only gonna live once, kid. Make it as crazy as you can."

I look back in the mirror, and they're there. They're all there.

Mum is touching my shoulder, dad is touching my back, Jack is ruffling my hair, and grandmother is smiling at my reflection in the mirror. I smile at their presence, I've missed them.

"Dad," I say. "I wish you could give me away at my wedding."

I take a breath and look at dad's smile, his beautiful smile, before turning to mum.

"Mum, my perfect wedding is coming true, I've got a perfect man, Michael, and he's amazing. You'd love him, and my dress is perfect, look, see? I picked it for you."

I watch Jack fiddle with my hair, I wonder how he's doing it, without disrupting mum and dad's touch.

"Little brother, I miss our fights, our little wars we'd have on a Saturday morning, when there was nothing else to do. I miss you ruining my hair and.."

My voice trails off, my eyes fill with tears. "Grandmother, you always were the hyper one, and I don't forget for a moment how wonderful you were to me and my brothers when you were here."

I look in the mirror, they're all there smiling at me, making me feel warm, comfortable, safe.

"And I miss you all so much.. what's it like, up there in the clouds, in heaven? And what's it like, dying?"

My voice is still quiet, my eyes still teary.

"Sweetheart, you don't realise how proud I am of you. Michael is lovely, and you have wonderful friends. And, dying, it's quicker than falling asleep. You feel nothing," mum says softly.

I look to grandmother, who is smiling still.

"Your mother's right, dear. You don't even realise it's happened. And heaven is beautiful, real nice. Don't cry for us, sweetie. It's wonderful up there," she says.

"Jack, was it really Rachel that killed you?" I ask quietly.

Jack nods. "Yeah, but I felt no pain. I fell asleep, it happened in my sleep."

I'm slightly reassured by this response. At least he felt no pain. I look to dad, who hasn't spoken yet.

"Dad? I really wish you could give me away at my wedding.." I start. "It's so hard knowing you won't be there to do that."

"Sweetheart, don't think like that. I'll always be here for you. Remember that. No matter the situation, I'll always be there, and so will your mother, and all of us," he says finally.

I smile and look down for a moment.

"I love you," I say to them all.

"And we love you, too, baby," mum says.

I feel tears start to form in my eyes, as I touch the glass of the mirror, letting my shoulder go.

By the time I reach the glass with my fingers, they're gone. They're all gone.

"Wait, come back!" I cry in pure sadness. "Come back!"

But they've gone. They've all gone. It was like they were never there in the first place.

Janet and Emma run my way.

"What's wrong?!" Emma asks in worry.

Tears stream down my face, no matter how much I try to dry them. "They've gone.. they've all gone."

Janet hugs me tightly. "I know they've gone, sweetie. But you've gotta keep strong for them. Boy, if they could see you now, they'd be so proud of you."

That's the funny thing. No matter what I say, no one will believe it.

I just saw four of the most important people in my life.. but yet they'll never be back for real.. and that saddens me more than anything in this world.

They were all there.. but then they were all gone.

Author's note: yeah, so it was a little longer this time, and a little less realistic, but hey, I nearly cried writing this thing! (my dad really isn't alive, so it made it harder) But I wrote it, and I'm glad I did. The wedding will be soon! Yay.. and maybe a strange twist in Ryder's birth... all will be revealed in the next few chapters!