[Edited: October 28, 2018]

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[A/N: view full pic(:]

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"The Goddamn Cycle"

Taehyung's POV

Shit.

Everything is shit when the person you love doesn't love you back and the other person they'd give up their whole life for, just doesn't seem to care enough.

And I know Jungkook loves Jimin, but I can't help but feel like I love Jimin more than he does.

"It's normal," Yoongi says. "You love him. You get jealous. You'll always think you're better than the one he loves. It's normal."

Yes, it is. I know, it is.

But does that fact change anything? No, it fucking doesn't.

I love Jimin.
And I know I can't have him.

But people stating the facts does not fucking change a thing.

And I just can't click some shitty button and turn off my feelings for him. If that shit existed, then people won't be trying to kill themselves. No one would be hurt, we'd all just be numb and life won't be a living hell.

But it doesn't. It doesn't. Fucking. Exist.

And we can't do anything but accept it.

"Tae? What are you doing here?" Yoongi looked at me, confused, when he opened the door to his RV and immediately saw me sitting on his pitch black bean bag chair.

I held up the spare key he gave me a long time ago and forced a smile.

"Okay . . . ?" He looked at me, quite confused, as if I've never showed up to his place uninvited before.

Well, I guess it does make sense. I never use my spare key unless there's an emergency. That's what he told me to do. But that's actually never happened, so I've never been here without calling him first or knocking on his door.

He came in and closed the door behind him. He put down a bag of what I'm guessing is full of drugs and cigarettes again, then he sat down beside me on his couch.

"Are you feeling okay, now?"

"I guess." I merely shrug.

What a dumb question, really. He knows I wouldn't be here if I didn't need him.

And I didn't use to think like this before, but once you hang out with a guy like him, you start to be just like him. But I'm not really complaining.

My life was so boring before I became friends with Min Yoongi. Everything was normal and so . . . Plain.

Same shit, different day.

But he changed that.

And maybe that's the only difference between Yoongi and Jimin.

Yoongi made me do things I never would have done if I was with Jimin. Yoongi is up for almost anything. You can literally do anything with him.

Well, only if he likes you.

If he doesn't think you're cool enough, he'll surely be mean to you. He thought I wasn't cool enough at first either.

Of course. I am the son of the headmaster that got him kicked out of high school. I actually wasn't close with him yet, when my father did what he did. I only knew Suga back then because I saw him at school.

When I first met him, it was just that normal grouping thing in classes. A lot of girls and other boys wanted to be in a group with me and Jimin wasn't going to school those days. Then, I saw Yoongi all alone in one corner, sleeping.

I was that type of person who was always great in my classes. Yoongi is smart, too. Maybe even more than me. But he hates school, he thinks it's hell. He thinks it's nonsense.

I had really good grades and he didn't 'cause he didn't really care. I was nice to everyone and he scared everyone away. I had that bubbly personality and so they liked me a lot, aside from the fact that I'm the headmaster's son.

But really, I might have been lying the whole time. I'm not all nice, I'm not all positive. Sure, I truly am bubbly and always likes to make people laugh.

I love making other people happy.

But to be nice and selfless all the fucking time? That's just bullshit.

That's not me.

And Yoongi knows me. He knows how twisted I am. Though I think everyone is twisted in their own ways, though.

But to Jimin, I never actually showed him the whole 'me'. I was always true to him, yes. But I don't curse at him, do drugs with him, go to stupid clubs with him and make fun of other people just because I'm bored. That's basically all I do with Yoongi.

"Tae . . ."

He wrapped his one arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to his chest. I sighed.

"I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do, what I'm supposed to do. I can't reach him. I want to, but I can't. I know I'm not what he needs. And even if I force myself onto him, it just won't make him feel any better. I can't fix him. I can't be his cure. I can't be Jungkook."

"You don't have to be." He pulled me close to him, my face on his chest as he ruffled my hair, causing me to look up at him.

"You don't understand."

"Yes." He's the one to force a smile this time. "Yes, I do. I understand more than you could ever know."

I gently pushed him away, putting a distance between us. His eyes never left mine.

"I know how it feels to love somebody and watch them love somebody else like they're their fucking life. I know how much it hurts and I understand what it's like to hate yourself sometimes 'cause you just feel worthless and not enough. I know." He looked at me intensely and I tried to look away but he gently moved my chin to make me face him again.

"I know."

"What?"

He doesn't answer.

Then we stay like that for a few more seconds. I try to read his eyes, but I can't. When I stare at them, I see darkness. Complete darkness and emptiness. But the weird thing is . . . I get captivated by it.

It's odd because I'm supposed to be uncomfortable by how close we are right now, but I'm just not. I'm completely alright.

He then lets go and stands up and I fall back into reality.

I love . . . Park Jimin.

"I have good news," he said, yawning and stretching. "Well, not really sure if this is good news for you, but in my case, it is."

Now he's making me nervous.

"Jimin has contacted Jungkook through a friend. I heard Jimin's doing a little better."

The words replay in my head a couple of times before they finally sink in.

Jimin is fine . . . but I wasn't the first one to know about it.

***

whoops, this chappie was shitty.

and i don't really know what to do with taehyung either lmao.

it's been kinda difficult to write love stuff when i'm no longer in love with anyone. i don't have those deep feelings and shit anymore.

i'm just numb.

but i'm happy when it comes to 5sos and i guess you could say they're my medicine. they make me feel something.

but anyhoo, i'm trying my best to write good content and yeah

i hope you still love this

thank you for all the reads and votes and comments
i'll never stop saying that

ily xx