[Edited: August 20, 2017]

***

"Can't You See?"

Jimin couldn't stop thinking about everything that has happened the past few days. Jungkook found out that he's been harming himself. Jungkook kissed him and saved him. Jimin is now confined in a hospital and he has to stay here for at least a week. His parents wanted to take him to a suicidal thoughts treatment center and rehab but Jungkook protested, saying it would only make things worse for Jimin. The latter honestly didn't care. He didn't care where his parents would take him. He didn't even want to be anywhere anymore. He just wanted to stop existing. He already felt like that. Non-existent, empty, and nothing. How long has he been feeling like that? He doesn't even know anymore. It just feels like his whole life.

Jungkook didn't want Jimin to go to a rehab because he wanted to solve this all by himself. He wanted to help Jimin by himself. It's selfish, it really is. But he wants to be the only one to know everything about Jimin, his mind and his heart. He wants to help him and he wants to be the first one to be able to bring that perfect, sunshine smile back on his hyung's face again.

Then, in exchange of not taking Jimin to a treatment center, Jungkook promised to Jimin's parents that he'd do anything to make Jimin feel better and to help him overcome his depression. But to Jimin, it wasn't just depression. It was something more, something worse. And his suicidal thoughts and actions? They weren't just paces of his depression or anything stupid like that. They were Jimin's addiction, his salvation. The only thing that could make him feel alive. But that's ridiculous, because the only thing that could keep him alive was by hurting and slowly killing himself. It wouldn't make sense, really, so Jimin never told anyone about it. No one would understand him and it's not like he ever expected someone else to.

Jimin checked his phone, waiting for a message from a certain someone.

'This is ridiculous,' he thought to himself. 'What the fuck am I doing? We're not dating. He only cared for me that night and yesterday because he felt responsible for it . . . for some reason. He doesn't care anymore and that's for the better.'

He can't let Jungkook lead him on and then just leave him in the end. He's sick of that. He's sick of being left alone. He has suffered enough to know there is no such thing as that bullshit "happily ever after."

Why would Jungkook kiss him anyway? He's hopelessly in love with Emma, a girl he has adored ever since middle grade. And Jimin? He's just his introvert friend that nobody really likes except for Taehyung. He's completely nothing compared to Emma. He will never be number one in Jungkook's heart.

That's all that Jimin thinks about and that's all he wants to believe.

***

"Hyung . . ." Jimin woke up to Jungkook shaking him.

"Jungkook? What're you doing here?"

"Came here to tell you some good news . . ."

"Oh . . ."

"And of course, I wanted to see you." Jungkook gave him such a bright smile and it only caused Jimin's heart to ache. God, he just loves him so much and seeing how beautiful he truly is and knowing he'll never be Jimin's, just makes everything worse.

Jimin turned to look away and just stared at the window. It was snowing. Jimin had always loved the snow. It's horribly cold but it's beautiful when it covers the floor, the streets, and literally everywhere. There's not much sunshine during winter so it's a little dark outside but the snow brightens everything up. It makes everything beautiful, and how Jimin wanted to be something like that. Something like snow or sunshine, that could bring light to other people. But he was the dark. He was full of darkness, still, he wanted to be something as beautiful . . . but he knew he can never be.

"You'll be out of here in a week. The doctor says your cuts will heal sooner or later, just don't try to re-open them or anything like that, alright? I'll make sure you don't, anyway."

Jimin sighed in frustration. Why is Jungkook acting all this kind to him? He's caring too much and it's starting to vex Jimin. He didn't want to fall for him any more than he already has. He doesn't want him to take care of him and make him think there's a deeper reason behind all of it. He didn't want to hope for impossible things.

"Hyung, is everything okay?"

"Okay? What is okay? If okay means having your skins covered in cuts and bruises, having anxiety attacks each night, crying in your sleep, having nightmares about some horrible, horrible things that happened in your past, for every night? Learning that your parents wanted to throw you away in a rehab, and even if it's for your own sake, it still hurt? Watching the man you love be happy with someone else and watching that someone else make him happy the way you know you'd never be able to? Then being kissed by him without him even giving you any reassurance that he likes you, only adding up to your one hell of a mess of anxieties? If that's what okay means then, yeah, I'm okay. I'm truly okay, Jungkook."

Jimin wanted to tell him all that but of course he didn't. He couldn't. He's a coward and he can never do anything for himself or anybody else. He's useless. He's a nothing.

"Jimin, you see. I've been thinking about what I did the other night and I . . . I can't stop thinking about it."

This time, Jimin turned to look back at Jungkook. He was still trying to keep a neutral expression on his face. He didn't want Jungkook to see any glint of hope in his eyes. He didn't want to be any more vulnerable than he already was.

"I-I honestly . . . I honestly liked it, Jimin-hyung. The way your lips felt on mine. It-It was different from when I kissed Emma. It was something else. Everything just felt so amazing when I kissed you and I tried so hard to forget about all that but I can't. I'm sorry, I know you hate it, but I can't stop wanting to feel your lips against mine, Jimin." Jungkook took a deep breath then added, "I can't stop wanting you."

Jimin was at lost for words. He silently laughed at himself because he clearly couldn't determine what's real from what's not anymore and it's ridiculous.

Jungkook noticed his hyung's reaction and he couldn't help but feel kind of embarrassed. It's not like he was confessing his love for him or . . . was he actually?

"This is crazy," was all Jungkook could say since his hyung didn't say a word or moved. "I mean . . . I know I'm not supposed to be gay . . . at least I think I'm not. I don't really know, Jiminie-hyung. I'm sorry. I'm such a mess."

"You're not a mess, Jungkook," Jimin finally said.

"I think I am . . ."

"If you're a mess, then what am I?"

"You're a work of art," Jungkook said, suddenly holding his hyung's hand tightly. Jimin flinched but Jungkook just squeezed his hand and softly smiled at him.

"You're a work of art that I don't understand but I still love so much."

"You don't love me, Jungkook. You're just infatuated with me," Jimin said and immediately shook his head.

"No, you're not even . . . You can't even be infatuated with me. That's impossible. Who'd be infatuated with someone like me?" Jimin laughed.

"Stop saying that. Stop putting yourself down. Can't you see how beautiful you are? Because I've never seen it. I've never seen how beautiful you are 'til now. You're very beautiful, Park Jimin."

"Jungkook, stop."

"You're beautiful and God, was I so stupid! I wasted my time on someone who clearly didn't even deserve it. I could've loved you from the start. I could've made you happy and I could've . . . I could've . . ." Jungkook couldn't help himself frok crying.

"Jungkook." Jimin wiped the younger's tears away and tried his best to smile at him.

"I could've saved you."

". . . You couldn't have. No one could. No one can."

"Jimiㅡ"

"ㅡI'm still trying to save myself right now, to be honest. And it's hard. It's hard to save myself from myself."

"Jimin, I love you."

"Jungkook, no. You don't meaㅡ," Jimin protested but the younger interrupted him by pressing his lips on his.

It was a passionate but innocent kiss. Jungkook wanted to keep it that way. He didn't want to force Jimin to do anything he didn't want, so he fought the urge to bite Jimin's lip so he could grant him entrance and he could slip his tongue inside, savouring each and every corner of Jimin's mouth.

"I don't like you kissing me . . ." Jimin mumbled but his words were contradicting his actions. His own face was so red and he was staring at Jungkook's lips, wanting nothing but more.

"You don't mean that." There was a hint of teasing in the smile tugging on the younger's lips.

"Jungkook, Iㅡ" Jungkook interrupted Jimin by putting his lips on his, one more time.

It was still an innocent kiss but it lasted longer.

"I don't deserve you," Jimin said after he pulled away and looked back at the window, avoiding Jungkook's gaze. Jungkook only moved his chin, making him face towards him and kissing him, one last time.

"Stop being ridiculous. Can't you see that I love you?"

***

okay, first of all, sorry.
i said i was gonna update two to three chapters but im only updating one.
blame school lmao.

anyway, i know the "mother" thing is still kinda confusing but i'll be explaining it sooner or later so please be patient.

i just don't want to end this book fast, that's why haha

and yeah, so, i MIGHT update again tomorrow. I MIGHT

anyway, thank you for reading and y'all who vote all the time, thank you very much, i love you. this might only seem like a small amount of votes to you guys, but it really means MORE to me. thank you.

and hopefully, this book reaches 2k reads soon yay

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