Reviewer: Rabi

Author: YashasviJ

Book: Park Jimin Mafia ff ||The sold innocent||

Cover: ⅕

This cover is not a perfect cover. Sure, the theme matches the story and mafia vibes. But neither the title nor any other text or element is found. The creativity level is too low. You should work on the cover. It is not pleasing to the eyes and doesn't catch the reader's attention at all. The images used are also blurry. You can either design the cover yourself or order a cover from any graphic shop who makes good covers. 

The cover can have any female idol from kpop or you can have a silhouette of a girl with Jimin's black swan photos as a face claim. 

A little suggestion for you to place order for your book: 

Pandora graphic shops by CharmsCommunity

Title: ⅖

Title is one of those things which attracts the readers the most. This basically gives us the vibes of the theme of the story. First of all, your title seems too long. You shouldn't add "Park Jimin Mafia ff"  inq your title. "The Sold Innocent" is pretty good and unique. But the phrase you used before telling us who is the mafia and whose ff is this, I think you shouldn't do it. If you wanna show it in the title, then do it after the actual title. 

Second,you can show that it's a Jimin ff, by cover. Showing the face claim and the title written on the cover, tells us who's the main character. 

Blurb:4/10

This made me interested and I wanted to keep more about the book. But the way you wrote and delivered the dialogues is not good. You gave so much space and the phrase usage was wrong. The dots are used again and again, disturbing the flow. 

Take the following example: 

"My life was already a living hell…… With my uncle and aunt….. And everything was suddenly changed in one day when…… He came to my home,Park Jimin, the mafia king……" 

Now these sentences can be written with better sentence structure and also good phrasal use. Such as:

"My life was nothing but a hell, a living hell with. Who was responsible? My Uncle and Aunt. 

But then, everything changed. In a blink of an eye, my life was turned upside down. When one day he came… demanding for me and buying me" 

Now instead of telling us the characters names, you should write only dialogues. Or a context without any name revealed. It kills the suspense and thrill of a reader. After this if you are gonna write the dialogues, then write them with a space between them. They all felt like they were from one scene. You shouldn't give us all the dialogues, meaning you put one from the beginning then from the middle and then from the end of the story. To attract readers and spike their interest use only a few dialogues such as the one you used in the middle.

Execution:3/10

Execution is pretty bad. All the scenes are smudged and not explained briefly. Each scene or an event must have a reason to happen. Your pace is so fast. I couldn't actually catch up with the plot and storyline. All the events are abrupt and mingling with each other to the point they all feel like they are coming from another dynamic after another. Means there is no connection and interaction between the two scenes. We know nothing for events and for the background of characters. The character development is all of a sudden. Rape and abuse is a sin and Jimin be ng a heartless mafia who has killed many, detroyed many, is feeling pity for the girl he just raped. I don't think it sits well with his character portrayed here. 

Plot: 9/20

There was nothing unique in the plot. The same story line and overused plot theme. Leads seeking off by their relatives, their parents being dead, mafia mistreating them going as far as raping them and then straying to love them and expecting the other to do the same. Which happens all of a sudden. No long burns and no detailed simplification of events and character's development. Molesting a child's or teenager's mind is easy but the same doesn't apply to young people and adults. 

This story is the same. Jimin buys her,mistreats her, rapes her then falls in love with her. All of a sudden,he is being possessive over her and wants no one to touch her. 

The turns such as a girl getting kidnapped is not common as well. Overall, the story needs improvement and must have a few elements which are unique such as giving twists. The one I was thinking about one is: 

Jimin will care for the girl but the girl will hate him to the core. This needs a lot of character's explanations and controlling development. Then there is someone who has been leaking information about Jimin's gang. On further investigation they come to know that the girl was the one doing it. Jimin gets so angry to the point he orders to kill the girl. There was nonplave for the betrayer, even if it was his love. She was pregnant at that time but Jimin didn't know. Seokjin or anyone who smells something fishy about the girl being a traitor, hides her and tells Jimin she is dead. Jimin finds out about her pregnancy later when the doctor tells him. Now he has nothing but to grieve on. He didn't let anyone know about it but was dying inside. But as I told you, Seokjin hid her and she gave birth to Jimin's heir. He saw her after 6 years or a bit less time. Now… You can write further and end it.'' 

Hope you liked it. 

Writing style: 9/20

I remember you from before as I reviewed your book once before as well. At that time I said the same thing about your writing style. The writing style you have adapted is something which is not meant for the story. You are writing a story not a dialogue. This technique is for dialogues. In stories, you should use proper sentences for an action and verbal tags. Such as you wrote: 

You- Please…… Don't…. I don't even know its meaning……. *crying hard* 

Now, this technique is a cliche one and not many people like it. The majority leaves the book after seeing this style. Also, the dots you used are many. I know for which purpose you used those dots but the dots which are used to omit a break and give off the untold emotions of characters are called ellipsis and they are only three(...). They are used to create an anxious, stressed and tensioned environment. 

Your dialogue depiction needs to be improved. The way you write them is used for the dialogues or a play in literature. In story you must differentiate the action tag and verbal tag properly. Instead of using the play technique, try to depict the scene in a story manner such as an example below: 

"He stared at her crumbling form as she sobbed and fell to the ground. "What… have I done to you?" She sobbed out as he just smirked and knelt down in from of him"

Instead of writing the action with only one word and not describing it in detail such as instead of *crying hard* you should write such as shown below: 

"Please… Don't… I… I don't even know… Its meaning…" You said and cried hard. 

Now, in the upper sentence, the action tag and the veranl tag are shown differently. 

Grammar: 8/20

You are not good with this factor. I am being honest and not sugar coating my words. Your preposition,vocabulary and tense usage is poor and needs to be improved. The commas, dotes are either misused or overused. For example, use of commas after "And" or "Or" is prohibited. According to the rules a sentence can't end on "And" and nor can it be started with "And". Misuse of commas is often seen in the book. 

Commas are also used to give a light pause between sentences. They make them apart from the precious setting and set a new one. Such as 

"He sat there combed his hair" now in this one you can rewrite it as following: 

"He sat there and combed his hair" 

Or 

"He sat there, combed his hair" 

The grammar tenses are also not used properly. You used the second and third form with the helping verb "Did" as well. For example you said "He didn't made it" Now in this sentence you should have used "He didn't make it". According to the rule, the second form of being is used only once as the other form uses the first and usually serves as a noun or adjective. 

You should work with it. You can either study and improve your English or take help from online grammar check programs. 

Character development: 3/10

It is not seen or detailed. The characters are not briefly discussed. We know nothing about their backgrounds, their families, their business. After this, their development is so sudden. Jimin raped the girl last night and then the next day he calls his friends and they also threaten him to treat the girl right. Means the depiction of the characters are not matching their actions. They are heartless and destroy many lives but sympathizing with a simple girl who was sold off to them doesn't fit the plot and storyline well. 

To make this storyline go perfect with the storyline and depiction you conveyed is the character's development and slow nine, explaining the girl's point of view in detail and others as well. You can't fall in love with your rapist and that's too within a little time? Until the lead is diagnosed with a disease. Which is known as Stockholm syndrome.

Total: 39/100