chapter twenty

[ season 2 | episode 11 ]
[ battlefield ]

IF YOU'RE GOING THROUGH HELL—if you're going through hell, keep going. If you're going through agonizing and gut-wrenching hell, continue. Don't stop. Don't turn back. Keep going, keep going, keep going keep going—

          "Marlowe?" Her head whipped up, hair falling loose from her bun as she looked at the counselor, finally tearing her eyes away from the small scratch marks on the wooden desk. "You know, you and Stiles Stilinski are a lot alike. Neither of you were too eager to talk much," Ms. Morrell said, her voice a melodic hum that entranced the girl she kept looking at.

          The sun peeked through the white blinds, casting thin rays onto the wooden floor and illuminating the small office. "I really do want to help you, Marley." Ms. Morrell tucked some hair behind her ear, the smallest, pitiful expression spread across her graceful features. "But I can't do that if you won't talk to me."

          "Did you ever think about what comes after death?" Her voice was small when she said it, a tiny dent in the silence on her part of the conversation. "Did you ever imagine that bright light, or the golden gates of heaven, or even the process of reincarnation?" A few more strands fell forwards, creating a curtain around her face.

          Before Morrell could say anything, she chuckled. It was quiet and hollow, more of a huff than a real laugh, but she could tell it had some sort of effect on the environment of the room. "You know, everyone has their own preconceived idea of dying. I don't think any two people actually have the exact same idea."

          Her fingers toyed with air, nails silently scraping against one another and getting caught on every imperfection, causing her to tear away another layer—making them even shorter. "When I was little, I liked to think that we'd get to live the life we wanted to after death. We'd be rewarded by living our dreams," she whispered. Casting her eyes downward, she smiled to herself. "Now I find solace in the idea that it's just a void."

          The office was still silent as she continued, Ms. Morrell simply studying her with sharp, catlike eyes. "An endless expanse of black that swallows you whole, an eternity of nothing to follow the hell you've just trudged through. Because... because I think I'd rather be stuck in a bottomless pit of simple void than have to relive everything and do it over again. Than have to face the fiery pits of hell because, let's be honest here, I'm not the right fit for heaven." Her voice grew, moving from a whisper to a determined and powerful demand.

          "So," she stopped, breathing and staring back at her fingers, "when I think about Matt's death, I find myself jealous. That he got to die before me." A bark of laughter came from her stomach, nothing but indifference lingering beneath the sound. "And—before you ask—no. I don't exactly feel much remorse."

          When Marley brought her head back up, she saw Morrell's head tilt, brows furrowed. She didn't like being studied. "I mean, the kid held me at gunpoint and forced me to look at a bunch of dead bodies. I think I have the right to say that I'm not gonna be mourning him for very long."

          "What about the boy who drowned as a child? What do you feel for him?" The counselor stared, unblinking, with a steady gaze that made Marley's bones tense. The way she sounded so calm, so peaceful, made Marley upset. She didn't like it.

          Sniffling, she bit her bottom lip and focused on a piece of hair. "Yea, I feel sorry for that boy. Not because of what happened—because let's face it, we all have to go through some shit eventually—but because of who he had to become. I mean," she took a breath, still focusing on anything but Ms. Morrell's gaze. "I went through shit, too. Hell, my entire family is dead, but you don't see me murdering an entire swim team." Not that I wouldn't love to, she thought, mind set on Jackson.

          The woman in front of her leaned forward, placing her hands gracefully on her desk as she met the reluctant eyes of Marley. "Look, I know you think this is useless, but I do want to help you. Just—" her gloss stuck together as she spoke, "—how are you feeling? I want to know how this has affected your mind."

          When Marley went to speak, everything dimmed. She was back in that station, looking at the barrel of a gun and trying to avoid putting to much weight on a certain leg. Her hands shook and she could hear the rapid beating of her heart, a thundering sound that drowned anything else—even the consistent shouts of Matt as he pressed metal against her forehead—out.

          Cold, cold metal made her body cave as she tried to breathe, tried to come back. Her head shook, thigh burning and heart pounding, and she could see his finger tightening and hear the bullet within the gun's mechanics and he pressed down and she heard the bang and everything was hot and

          "Nothing. I feel nothing."

               "BUTTERCUP," he said, boots crunching the dead leaves beneath him as he walked forward, closer to the cliff's edge where she sat. Her back was turned away, hair pulled into the same bun as earlier, but she still knew he was coming as soon as he got close enough. She didn't need Isaac to say anything for her to know he was there.

She huffed out a laugh, remembering how angry she got when he first called her that. Back when it was just a kanima, not a kanima led by a psychopathic Argent—which she learned after Scott told her about Mrs. McCall's run-in with Gerard. "If you're gonna stick with buttercup, I'm gonna need a nickname for you." Marley stared down at the lights, barely moving as he lowered himself to a sit beside her, his long legs dangling over the edge.

Listening to his steady, rhythmic heartbeat, she could hear him take in a big breath, blowing it all out in a chuckle. The world was silent as they sat up there, peering down on the small houses like two gods. "Perhaps Isaac The Magnificent? Has a nice ring to it." His shoulder bumped hers, a wide smile lighting up the werewolf's face.

Marley spotted her own grin as she shoved him away, making sure not to push too hard while also moving him the opposite direction of the fall below. Baby curls tickled the back of her neck whenever she looked up at him, his own curly blond hair unruly yet neat. "See, Lahey, I already told you I'm not a liar." Her face was exaggerated, a sarcastic seriousness pulling her features tight. "And I really would hate to have lied about that."

          With her eyes trained on his side profile, she watched him smile the tiniest bit wider, pearly teeth luminescent against the night. She ignored the way his smiling because of her made her feel—the smallest triumph spreading through her chest with a warm happiness. "Well, Buttercup, then we're gonna have to keep looking," he said, looking down at her without ever breaking his smile.

          She would never admit to it, but in those moments, sitting atop a cliff with him by her side, she figured that the specks in his eyes were her favorite shade of blue. Breathing out a laugh, she pulled her top lip into her mouth. "Oh, definitely. I cannot just keep calling you by your real name. I mean, how horrific is that?" Leaning back on her hands, which were splayed across the leftover dead leaves from winter, she stared up at the stars, trying to get Isaac's blue eyes out of her head.

          He copied the motion, fingertips brushing against hers when he laid his own hands flat against the ground, and still didn't give up that bright smile. She could also feel his eyes still on her, but the idea of acknowledging that fact made her stomach churn with nerves. Instead, her brown eyes tried to create images with the brightened stars, creating stories and lives for each figure.

          It wasn't until he brought a leg up, resting his chin on it and readjusting so that his arms hugged it, that her attention was brought back. "Um, the vet taught me how to take pain away, today." The way his voice filled with happiness and pride made her head swing around, eyes taking in his pure expression. Isaac's eyes were wide, a bright smile lighting his features up, and Marley swore she could see the teenage boy he should've been in his face in that moment. The teenage boy who should've had a proper childhood.

          The ocean met the bark of a pine tree when their eyes met, both kids smiling their heads off while staring at one another. In the wide expanse of that dark night, enemies shifted into something more similar to friends, a beta and omega seeing each other in a new light beneath the twinkling stars.

          Their silence didn't last long. "Oh my god, Marley, it was so amazing. You should've been there," he raved, hands cutting through air as his chest lifted. "I mean, you could smell the cancer on the dog and—and when you put your hand on it and saw those black veins... god, it was life-changing." His foot went back to dangling over the edge as he leaned back, laying flat against the leaves. "That was the best kind of pain I think I've ever felt."

          She listened to the way his words slowly got quieter until they were the softest whisper against the silence of Beacon Hills' empty Preserve, and she ignored a twisting in her stomach that said she missed his loudness. She ignored the small part of her that missed his enthusiasm and energetic excitement. She ignored it because it wasn't supposed to exist. Isaac was the villain. He'd shrugged a leather jacket on, nearly murdered Lydia, and made up stupid nicknames, so Marley definitely shouldn't have wanted to see that big smile again. Or that tiny crinkle in the corner of his eyes.

          She hummed in response, blocking all thoughts of Isaac Lahey's face from her mind. Instead, her eyes settled on the town below, looking at the few houses with illuminated windows. Dim, yellow lights flickered beneath the duo, a radiant display that captured their occupied gazes. One in particular, two blue irises with the faintest flecks of green, weren't even looking down at the houses, instead he was staring at the girl beside him.

          The duo sat there, blanketed by thick foliage and a navy sky with silence comforting their chilled bones, until the girl breathed in, lungs expanding with tainted oxygen. "Stop staring at me," she murmured, feeling those blue eyes settled on her cheek.

          He gulped, immediately pulling his gaze away and twisting his hands into a knot. "Wh—what? I am not." One of those knotted hands came up to his hair, brushing through his curls as a nervous habit.

          Marley smiled. Her legs dangled from the edge as she concentrated on the irregular pump of his heartbeat, each pounding thump faster than what was expected. She liked knowing that she made him flustered. "Lahey, I can feel your eyes burning a hole into the side of my head." Her teeth gnawed on her bottom lip and she smiled wider, swiveling her head to bat her eyes at him. "It's okay, you can admit to being completely infatuated by me."

          At that, one side of his lips turned up, an amused smirk lighting up his sharp features. She saw a mask slip onto his face, eyes widening and lips dropping into a serious line. "Oh, Marley St. Claire, how could I deny being utterly entranced by such a magnificent creature as yourself," he said, putting on a dramatized British accent.

          Scrunching up her face, she knocked her shoulder into his. Up on that cliff, two teenagers got to finally act like such, with her laughing at his horrible accent and him continuing to flatter her. The moon shined down on them that night, and it all seemed okay.

          It wasn't until the laughter died down and the kids descended into a blanket of peaceful silence that Isaac Lahey heaved a sigh. It was heavy, full of anticipation and the will to gather courage. His eyes fell down the cliff, landing on a small stream trickling below. "I'm leaving." The words were so quiet that Marlowe almost swore they caught on the wind, traveling with the whistling breeze. And she prayed that she simply imagined them.

          Twisting her body to face him, she furrowed her brows, ignoring that sinking feeling in her chest. "What?"

          The somber look in his eyes, along with the fact that he refused to properly face her, made her stomach knot up, heart falling through her hollowed out skeleton. At that, at the way he kept staring down at the stupid stream, she hardened her resolve. She used some form of internal motivation to tape her heart back into it's place, detangle her stomach, and slowly wipe the laughter from her lungs because he was leaving.

          Digging her nails into her palm, the smallest tips of her claws drawing blood, she looked up at the moon. "I'm assuming Erica and Boyd are, too." Even though she refused to look at him, she knew he nodded. And her heart managed to break through the tape and fall down down down. "Well, then, have a nice trip."

          He didn't move as she stood, wiping leaves from her black jeans and turning towards her car. She felt baby hairs tickle her neck again, annoyance brewing within her stomach. "Hope you find a new batch of powerpuff girls, Mr. Magnificent. See you 'round."

          If he said anything, she didn't listen. Just got in her car and left, as he would do within the next few days.

          And Marley St. Claire, the girl with a wooden heart, cursed herself that night, as she laid soundlessly in bed, for feeling anything at all for that curly-headed, blond boy.

word count: 2404

a/n
hey guys. it's been a while.
we hit 12k, almost 13, and that just blows my mind what

i'm currently struggling. like, a lot. in the mental health department. i haven't been doing school work (seriously, i'm failing most of my classes) and writing is just not happening rn. i literally dyed my bangs orange. ORANGE. if that doesn't say mental breakdown, idk what will.

i also got my first job!! i work at a tillys and i currently love it (even though the pay and hours suck ass)

i'm also thinking of posting an excerpt of a fantasy novel i'm working on bc i want some feedback. (if anyone wants to be a proofreader or wants to help me out w that, pls dm me)

onto this chapter, ow. marsac (idk if i like the ship name, help me out guys) literally kills me. and it'll kill you guys too once we get further in bc i have so much planned ;)))

anyways, i really hope y'all are doing well (at least better than i) and have a wonderful week

(this will probably be the last update for quite a bit considering i haven't written anything for this book in well over a month)

(also, i apologize for the short chapter, it's kind of a filler)

— andy <3