TW: SELF-HARM + BLOOD AND GORE, SKIP TO  ♡ · ♡ · ♡ · ♡ · ♡ IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH SUCH TOPICS

Why?

Why did Vincent have to feel this way?

Just why?

He had woken up with Rody- his waiter- in his arms. That morning was pretty awkward for both of them, and in around half an hour, they both had to head to work. First of all, he shouldn't have had Rody- who was his literal worker- in his house overnight. Second, they technically slept together- not in the way Vincent wanted, but nonetheless, Vincent had slept, although not sexually, with his waiter.

But that wasn't even the worst part. The worst part was that- Vincent wanted... more. 

Vincent was in denial for a while now- he knew he was gay, he just needed time to decide his feelings. He realized that he killed Manon partly because of how much he cared for Rody, but mostly because he was jealous. He also realized why he kept sneaking glances at Rody while his face turned red when he was around him. He realized why whenever Rody touched him, his heart sped up until he could practically hear it thumping in his chest. Vincent was pretty knew to romantic feelings, as he had never really been in love before- He had been in relationships, but had never really got to experience the feeling of love. And he also realized why he felt like he knew what love felt like now- Before, he thought it was a waste of time. Vincent would most likely never find his happily ever after, but now, he suddenly knew what it felt like to love? All these realizations were pretty overwhelming to Vincent, but it all added up. It made him realize the bigger picture- he didn't like Rody.

He loved Rody. He was hopelessly in love with a man that would never love him back- especially after that man figures out what Vincent had done.

Gray clouds covered the sun resting at its highest point in the sky. Vincent walked into his office. He felt blank- he needed to feel something- he hated this feeling, of being in love- but loved it at the same time. It was beautiful and glorious feeling- yet miserable, lonely, and heartbreaking at the same time.

 Vincent grabbed a glass and smashed it against the floor. 

He wasn't just in love- he was jealous. Manon was dead- yet seeing how much Rody actually loved her- and probably still loved her- made him not only guilty, but jealous. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't stop himself from feeling that way. He picked up a large shard of glass from the floor, and without a moment's hesitation, rolled up his sleeve and sliced downwards.

The first few cuts were painful- that was an understatement. They were painful as fuck. This was mostly because he had no hesitation of caution at all- He was striking down at his arm repeatedly with all his strength, the cold glass breaking his skin and cutting through his flesh, overwhelming him with pain that he knew he deserved. However, Vincent needed to feel something besides the aching, dull feeling in his heart, and this was the perfect distraction. Yet it wasn't even half as painful as what he felt internally.

Shit. Blood started to flow from Vincent's open scars. It trickled down his arm and a few droplets landed on his outfit. He was going to have to change his uniform after this... luckily, he had a spare. He didn't stop. 

The room was completely silent. Any other person would have screamed or cried from the pain, but Vincent stayed silent, refusing to stop and cutting down, over, and over, and over, and over again.

...

Well fuck, I'm screwed. Vincent looked down. There were shards of glass broken covered in blood droplets on the floor from the glass bottle, and a small pool of blood was forming at his feet. His shoes and white uniform was now stained with his blood while his arms were an absolute mess- some of the cuts were turning a disgusting green-ish purple and swelling up while the more recent ones were open, deep, and gushing blood. Thick, yellow-ish brown discharge was leaking out of his wounds, which would probably lead to an infection. He really didn't want to clean them. He deserved this.

♡ · ♡ · ♡ · ♡ · ♡

Vincent had picked up the shards of glass and threw them out, washed the floor to get rid of his blood, and had changed into his spare uniform. He had very briefly picked some shards of glass out of his cuts before running them under water for a moment and bandaging them, just so the blood wouldn't leak through his uniform. See, he wasn't really the type of person to put much care to cleaning self-harm wounds, and most definitely never cared to disinfect them. In his view, they were self-harm scars for a reason; he didn't care if he got hurt or if he got infected, he deserved it.

Vincent walked out of his office, and Rody immediately ran up to him and started to examine him. "Vincent! Where were you? Are you okay? I heard something break but the door was locked and you wouldn't come out and-"

Vincent felt a blush creep up the back of his neck and cover his face. He was grateful that the room was darkened and Rody wouldn't see his pale skin flush a deep pink in the dim light. After all this, Vincent forgot how much Rody cared for him- sadly, just as a friend....

"I'm fine Rody," Vincent said, gently pushing Rody away. He couldn't get too attached He had to move on, Rody deserved better... He didn't deserve someone like him.

Rody looked surprised, then concerned. "Alright, I get that you need some space, but uh... if you need anything, then I'm here for you, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks." Vincent muttered. He felt too bad for treating Rody like this- but he couldn't let his feelings grow, as they always did around Rody. Some distance from him could- maybe- help him move on.

♡ · ♡ · ♡ · ♡ · ♡

Vincent lay in bed at night, lost in thought. 

He needed to think about his feelings on last time.

Him and Rody were best friends, but... more than that, they were employee and boss. Chef and Waiter. Man and man. This couldn't work- it felt so right, but... it was wrong.

Rody deserved better than a cannibalistic murderer.

Vincent always had a different way of loving. What he found beauty, love, or care in, others found pain, hate, or disgust in. It seemed crazy, even psychotic to others, but- even murdering Manon was a way of Vincent- well, showing his love and affection to Rody. Manon seemed like she didn't care at all, but putting two and two together, Vincent realized- Manon did care. She cared so much that she put Rody's happiness and health over being together with him. She cared so much that she left the man she loved to give him a better life. She cared- she loved him so much she had to find someone else to survive- to move on. However, this just made Vincent more jealous. Yet- they were a perfect couple... and Rody deserved to be happy. More than Rody deserved to be with a terrible person like Vincent. Vincent didn't see it then but- for the first time, he regretted his actions. He didn't regret it because Manon was dead. He didn't give a shit about Manon. The only thing he regretted was unintentionally hurting the man he loved so much while attempting to show his love towards him. 

Vincent remembered Manon's last words- she actually didn't struggle too much, it was almost as if she was accepting her fate. "Make sure he's happy."  Even Manon's dying words weren't something about herself- She was still thinking about Rody. Vincent didn't like Manon at all, but he had to admit that she was an amazing person. Rody deserved someone like her, not someone like him.

For the first time in a long while, Vincent felt like crying.

He made a decision. He just wanted Rody to be happy- he hated Manon yet he wanted to fulfill her dying wish. However, he somehow knew- Rody could never be happy- not if he was with Vincent. He deserved a good person- someone like Manon- and Vincent hoped Rody would find somebody like that in the future. And if that day ever came, Vincent would be happy for him. But first, Vincent decided he would distance himself from Rody- He needed to ignore his feelings... He needed to move on.

'I will, Manon, I promise.'

'I will.'

-End of Chapter Six-