House of Mafia

by Seraphic_vision

For those of you who haven't read the story yet, kindly be warned that there are spoilers ahead!

♥︎ Cover: _5_/10

The cover depicts both groups BTS and BlackPink as they are both leading character groups in the fanfiction. Therefore, the main characters have been clearly depicted which is good. However, some areas for improvement from me would be to change the title's font. It didn't excite me. In red, the word 'Mafia' is not visible because it doesn't contrast well against the black background. The author's name is nowhere to be seen, therefore, make sure that the author's name has been added to the cover. 

Moreover, even though most Mafia fanfiction covers are often based on dark themes, however, it wouldn't hurt to add a spot of color to your cover rather than making the whole thing black and white. When it's like that it looks dull to me. 

♥︎ Title: _3_/5

The title is pretty straightforward and depicts the main plot of the story which revolves around Y/N being forced to live in a mansion amongst a Mafia family. I suggest making the first letter of each word in the title capital to look like "House Of Mafias"

However, as I always advise Mafia fanfic writers, to make your Mafia story title stand out from the rest of the thousands of Mafia novels out there, you could show the readers that your story is a Mafia novel, without directly mentioning the word 'Mafia' in the title. However, this is just my personal opinion and you don't have to necessarily feel obliged to follow it.

♥︎ Blurb: _3_/10

The blurb came across as looking too empty and bland to me, considering it consisted of a single sentence. I suggest adding more details to the blurb such as a brief insight into the main characters, sneaking in some suspenseful dialogues that were spoken between characters in the story, or even little snippets of the main plot while being careful enough to not give away any spoilers or hidden plot twists.

♥︎ First Chapter: _4_/10

I couldn't help but notice in the introduction chapter, the author had directly given a list of all the characters that would be making an appearance in the story along with their details such as their personality and roles.

In my personal opinion, I strongly discourage authors from dumping all of the character information into the readers' minds within one single chapter. One reason is that some readers often tend to get overwhelmed with the plethora of information being provided. I believe that it is better to introduce each character within the story itself as the chapters go by, and not in a character introduction chapter.

Moreover, readers like to feel like a detective in the story and to discover the characters for themselves as they go rather than the author spoon-feeding all of the details. For instance, if you want to say that Jin has a soft spot for his siblings, consider adding a chapter where Jin is seen to be spending some quality time with his siblings and taking care of them when they get in trouble. Moments like these would allow the readers to discover for themselves what Jin's personality and role is in the story rather than reading all of their information at once in the character introduction chapter. 

There are some key aspects to be improved in the first chapter. First off, I'm sorry to say that I did not find the writing style to be very professional at all. The entire story has been written in a writing style that most writers tend to use these days that I seem to find extremely unappealing which I like to call as the 'Script Form.' It's when the story has been narrated like a script or in a dialogue form like the in the following way.

Y/N: Hello, my name is Y/N.

Dad: What is going on there? (angry)

I strongly recommend forming proper paragraphs and phrases in the story rather than writing only the dialogues and then putting all the emotions as a single word within brackets. Moreover, writing stories in paragraphs is how most well-known stories have been written. When writers tend to use the 'Script Form' writing style, for me it gives off the impression that the writer tends to be lazy when it comes to writing, hence not providing any proper descriptions or explanation paragraphs in the story.

When characters are yelling, refrain from capitalizing their words, instead, I suggest you change the font style to show that they are having an outburst.

On a positive note, I like how the author got straight to the plot in the first chapter without unnecessarily stalling the readers. Moreover, the first chapter managed to hold me in suspense about what was to come next because Y/N didn't seem to be getting along with her new family.

♥︎ Grammar and vocabulary: _5 /15

The writing style was quite mediocre. It was pretty average and I didn't find anything too special about it. There were some instances where poor grammar was used and there were quite a lot of typos such as misspelling the words 'scene', 'quiet' etc. I also suggest that more attention should be paid to punctuation. I suggest you take some time to carefully edit your book.

"You flinched on the sudden arrival" should be "You flinched at the sudden arrival" for instance.

"I'm sorry for the wastage of your time" sounds a bit odd. Consider rephrasing it to "I'm sorry for wasting your time."

"Your back hitted the door." is incorrect. The past tense of hit is 'hit'.

Instead of writing a complicated sentence such as "We are cousins. My late father and her father had the same set of parents" you could simply say, "Her father and mine were brothers."

"This is how you make me embarrassed." could be rephrased to "This is how you embarrass me."

In every sentence, make sure to capitalize the first letter of the word that appears at the beginning of a sentence. 

Avoid using contracted forms such as 'btw' as it ruins the professionalism of the story.

In the use of an ellipsis (...), only three dots should be used, not more, not less. 

I couldn't help but notice that the same adverbs and synonyms were being repeated throughout the story, indicating that the author doesn't seem to possess a rich vocabulary when it comes to writing. Moreover, I didn't find any hints of any literary devices such as metaphors and similes being vastly used, hence why I have categorized the writing style as mediocre or plain.

As I've already mentioned before, please reconsider using the 'Script Form' writing style as it defeats the professionalism of the story. Also, I strictly advise you to not use emojis in your writing. Consider trying to describe the emotions and facial expressions using your words, because when emojis have been used by the writer, it immediately gives off the impression that they are incapable of describing simple emotions.

One more thing, please consider separating your story into sections. Hit that 'Enter' button at certain times, because when the whole story has been presented in one singular paragraph, it is quite overwhelming to take everything in at once. Plus, it's really inconvenient for readers to even comment on their favorite part of the story.

In one of the chapters, I noticed that you had unnecessarily broken the fourth wall. When Taehyung was feeding Y/N, you inserted yourself into the story for a brief moment to provide your commentary. Instances such as this where the fourth wall is being broken for unnecessary reasons and also when it has not been done tactfully or creatively can diminish the professionalism of the story.

I also noticed that despite the entire writing style in general coming across as average and plain, there were instances where the author had unnecessarily used complex language and words at random and awkward places. Besides, I don't believe they have been used properly. Certain phrases that could have been explained in simple words have been instead explained with the use of complicated words. 

Using fancy and complicated words at random times does not enhance your writing style. The true enhancement comes when the author knows how to strike a balance between using simple and advanced language in their writing style

On a positive note, I find the use of cliffhangers in the story quite commendable. 

♥︎ Plot: _6_/10

The plot consisted of Y/N's mom who married Mr. Kim, a renowned mafia leader, and moving in with her new step-siblings who consists of all the members of BTS and BlackPink who are also some of the most renowned Mafia members. None of the step-siblings were welcoming of Y/N as they didn't approve of their father marrying her mother, hence it lead to them suspecting that Y/N and her mother were simply nothing more than gold-diggers.

As the story progresses, one of the step-siblings, Taehyung starts to take a liking to Y/N. But their romance gets interrupted by disturbing occasions such as Taehyung's ex Ara who declares revenge on Y/N for taking her man. 

The plot so far seems quite generic and I have read many fanfictions where the lead character's ex tries to come back into their lives to ruin their current romances. Therefore, since the story is currently ongoing, I suppose there might be opportunities to twist the existing plot uniquely to make it appear more original in the coming chapters if the author wishes to do so.

Some areas for improvement would be to try and introduce sub-plots within the main plot of the story. Sub-plots could be subsidiary moments taking place in a story that could provide readers with a break from the tensions of the main plot. The introduction of subplots would be a good opportunity to engage the readers with your side characters to add more depth to the story.

Moreover, since this story is a mafia fanfiction, just as I suggested the author who applied for a review before this, it would be better if the author could dive more into the concept of 'Mafia' in the story. Despite the story being a 'Mafia' theme, there weren't any specific mafia concepts in the story. Just as I said in a previous review, the mafia world is not solely based on tattoos, beating up people for no reason, and riding motorcycles. To gain more insight into the mafia world and to incorporate this knowledge into your story, I suggest reading a more diverse range of the most well-written Mafia novels out there. Research is the key to success in any story.

♥︎ Creativity: _3_/10

I didn't notice many creative aspects in this story, unfortunately. Some ways the author could incorporate creativity into the story could be by adding banners to the story along with mood boards, playlists, and even character designs. Creativity can also be depicted through language by engaging in a creative writing approach in the writing style. 

♥︎ Pace: _5_/10

The pace of the story in general was alright, however, the pace of the relationship between Taehyung and Y/N seemed to be quite rushed in my opinion. Taehyung initially had a dislike towards Y/N, however within a few chapters this same dislike transformed itself into a romance with no clear explanation behind it. It almost seemed like Taehyung suddenly woke up one day and decided that he was attracted to Y/N. Therefore, I suggest adding more depth to Taehyung and Y/N's relationship on why they are so deeply attracted to each other. Moreover, soon after Taehyung confessed to Y/N that he loved her, the next second they immediately took things to bed which I found extremely quick in this situation. Therefore, I suggest slowing down their relationship and giving them more time to progress.

♥︎ Character development: _4_/10

Y/N

Let's start with the main female lead, Y/N. According to the story, Y/N is depicted to be a sweet yet independent young woman. She is seen to grieve the death of her father and has taken a liking to her step-brother. In my opinion, I feel that there is room for improvement in Y/N's character. I suggest adding some of her backstories through flashbacks and maybe explaining why she is so adamant about being independent no matter what. What exactly happened to her to stop believing in depending on other people? Then as the story progresses, you could add in some scenes where she requires help from her loved ones which can send a message to the readers that it's okay for even the strongest people to be vulnerable at times in life. 

Taehyung

If I'm being completely honest, I didn't see any personality in Tae other than him being a cold person. Despite being a person who got betrayed by one of his previous loves, he was awfully quick to fall in love with Y/N. A person who had been betrayed by a previous relationship would be cautious when approaching love for the second time, therefore it might have made more sense for Y/N to be extremely patient or to do some heroic feat to win Taehyung's heart, yet he was quick to give Y/N his heart without a second's thought. I also couldn't help but notice that he would most of the time push Y/N against a wall even to have the simplest conversation with her. Maybe such scenes were added to ignite some passionate feelings within the readers, but when Taehyung always resorts to being dominant with Y/N just made it look odd in my eyes. I believe we could provide some depth into his personality, such as by including lengthier and more detailed POVs of Taehyung in the story to learn his perspective of things.

Side characters and supporting characters

An important element that I couldn't help but notice was that, despite the author having gone to incredible lengths to introduce quite a lot of characters in the previous chapters such as all of the BTS members along with all of the Blackpink members in the story, they all seem to suddenly disappear from the story altogether by going to a trip to Hawaii, if I'm not mistaken. I feel like it was a huge waste of characters; to just introduce so many of them in the story and then suddenly throw them away during the later chapters only to focus more on Y/N and Taehyung.  I do hope that they will be making an appearance in the coming chapters. Or if they are on a vacation or a special mission, maybe we could switch the POVs to them to see how they are doing and whether they'd get into any sort of troubles as a Mafia gang.

♥︎ Emotions: _3_/10

Unfortunately, the author's writing style was not complex or rich enough to have the power to manipulate the reader's emotions. To do so, I suggest the author invest more time into perfecting their writing skills and then I'm sure they'd be able to manipulate the readers' emotions with their writing style quite well. I suggest reading detailed descriptions of a character feeling sad when they're crying, when they get enraged, or when they feel joyous and analyzing various writing techniques authors worldwide have used when it comes to creatively depicting emotions.

~Final Note~

As I often mention, please don't be discouraged by the low score. Instead, consider this an opportunity to view your writing skills with a fresh perspective. Take this as motivation to identify areas for improvement and take necessary actions to enhance your abilities to their fullest potential.

Best of luck with your writing journey, author!

~Jinleen

♥︎ Total: 41/100