( In which a scarred boy writes a letter to his fair youth )

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2

2nd December 1982
To,
Sirius O. Black III
Azkaban, The Wizard Prison
From,
Remus J. Lupin
Salisbury, Wiltshire

Sirius,

I'm opting the dear here, because no longer can I address you as that after what you did. It's 22nd December today. 22nd of fucking December 1982. You know the few specialities of this day? If you don't, let me explain.

1. This will be Harry's first Christmas as an orphan.
2. This will be my- who am I kidding? Our, first Christmas without Prongs and Lily, thanks to you.
3. This will be our sixth anniversary as a couple. Well, we aren't a couple anymore, but we didn't officially break up, did we?

Sirius... I wish I could forgive you for what you did. I wish. Even on this day, I wake up, wishing that all that happened since the night of 31st of October 1981 was a dream. I wish to wake up again in our dormitory in Gryffindor Tower back at Hogwarts, our shared home. I wish to wake up beside you, breathing in your scent of leather and petrol and hell, even that toxic smell of cigarettes I hate but love because that scent makes you, or made you, special. I hate myself for it. I hate myself.

I'm 22 now. I should probably face this bravely. Be a true Gryffindor. Too bad, I can't.

You, Sirius, are one special piece of shit. You made so many emotions wake up in me. You made me annoyed with you with your class bunking and smoking habits, you made me hate you for that nasty incident in fifth year, you made me have a crush on you with your those stupid flirty pick up lines from the muggle movies you are, or were, obsessed with. You made me fall in love with your personality. You appeared a bad boy type of guy on the outside, but you showed me a side of you I couldn't help but fall in love with.

Well, they told me that love wouldn't last long. Guess what, they were correct. And to be honest, I can't believe it myself. I gave into the pressure, when they said a love like this would never last. Maybe I was too stupid. Maybe this is a joke. Maybe, by some miracle, you didn't betray Prongs and Lily? Maybe, the world and I were just dumbasses to suspect you? I guess I'll never know. They say you don't speak there. Maybe Azkaban's doing exactly what it does with others to you too.

You, Sirius, made at least nine or ten years of my life bearable. You were my fair youth, as Shakespeare says. But, well, in the end his fair youth betrayed him. You did too. I hate myself for still loving you. I don't know why I love you, if I'm being frank. You killed three of our best friends, and many Order members, let Harry become an orphan, yet I, being the traitor and disgusting outcast I am, still love you. And let's not get started on the subject of Alice, Frank and Neville.

Ah Sirius, I trusted you. I trusted you with my secrets, scars, insecurities, feelings.... so much. I loved you. I let myself have feelings for you. Feelings I'd hoped never to have for anyone. Because I knew I'd ruin their lives. Because, hey, let's be honest. No one wants a scarred, traitorous werewolf as their lover.

Remember what you said to me four years ago, Sirius? On this very day? 22nd of December 1978? While we lay in that small, cramped apartment of yours in Diagon Alley? We were lying awake for hours, listening to chatter of vehicles on the muggle street. You were smoking, and even though I hated it when you did that in the apartment, I let it slide. It had been a bad day, after all. We'd all witnessed that muggle office being blown up. I still shudder at the memory.

You had turned to me, eyes grey as the moon, or like fog spread over a dark, calm sea, twinkling like the star you were named for. I was trying hard not to stare, yeah well, I failed miserably but we're going to ignore that.

I don't know what happened to me, but I had kissed you right then like that was the last time I'd ever be able to do that. I was scared. Scared about what was happening. I was scared of you leaving me forever. Because, at that time, and still, you were and are a walking stick for me Sirius. Something to lean on, to trust. Wait no, I can't trust you anymore. Never mind.

I had asked you, "Will you leave me too, Sirius? One day?"

You looked shocked and I swear, if I hadn't been so scared, I would have kissed you again. I hate myself for that too. You had wrapped your arms around me, kissing my forehead, whispering again and again that you'd never leave me.

"I'll be with you, Moons. Forever and ever. We'll make it, we always do. Marauders honour. I solemnly swear."

There you have it. Copied word-to-word from my memory. It was a promise, Sirius. A piece of hope I clung to during long, sleepness nights when you were on a mission and I was scared shitless about what I might face in a few minutes, or hours, or days. Or whatever. It was a Marauders honor. You solemnly swore. You, out of all people, should know what those promises mean to a Marauder. What those promises meant to me. I'd already lost a lot, Sirius. I didn't want to lose you.

Sadly, I did. But not in the way I was scared of. It was worse. You broke a promise. You broke my trust. You tore apart that tapestry of hope I'd been weaving ever since I met up with the Marauders at Hogwarts. I'd hoped it'd get better, it didn't. It only got worse.

I'll sign off now, because I think I'll cry if I don't. And it's full moon day. Good bye, Sirius. I hope you rot in hell for what you did. To me, to everyone.

My coldest regards,
Remus Lupin

For some reason, those letters kept piling up under Remus's pillow. But he never got close to sending them. Never. It just hurt to much to hurt his fair youth.

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A/N: all right folks, this is absolutely canon. Remus wrote hate/love letters to Sirius and never got close to posting them. This. Is. Fucking. Canon. I'm crying, as if that wasn't obvious. Take care and stay safe.

Love,
~Aurora♡