"Hey Vick, you still alive?" Came the voice of my beloved Charlie through the phone.

I smiled into the phone, rolling over on the bed. "Nope. Mom killed me."

"Oh my God, seriously? How'd she do it?"

"Knife to the stomach." I grinned even wider.

I can hear him moving around. "Oh, a classic! Knife to the stomach. Very Scream like, right?"

"Yeah, very Scream like." I look outside my window. The sun has settled now and the stars are coming to life. The Moon is so generous, giving her spark to her children. Letting them steal some of her shine, while also managing to be the most beautiful thing a person could ever see.

"Hey, Vicki? You there?" I heard Charlie say. "Victoria? Helloooo.."

"Yes yes, I'm here. Sorry." I say, standing up to go look at myself in the mirror.

"Thought I lost you there for a sec, love."

I nod, even though he can't see me. My hand goes up to my jawline as I quietly whisper, "Hey, Charl? Have you ever thought about suicide?" 

The line goes silent before I hear Charlie carefully whisper, "Vick, where are you right now?" 

"No! I'm not saying- I'm not suicidal. I'm just asking." My hand left my face and met my hip. "I was just thinking about it and thought I might ask you. Just, forget I said anything." I turned around and went back to my bed.

"Well, I mean, no? I don't think about it."

"Oh, okay." I leave the phone next to me on speaker, and stare at my ceiling. My hands on my stomach. "Goodnight, Charles."

He's quiet for a bit, before saying, "Goodnight, Vick. I love you." Then he ends the call.

"Alexa, could you turn on Halley's Comet by Billie Eilish?"

"Halley's Comet by Billie Eilish playing now."

I close my eyes and try to imagine stars. Me floating around with these magical creatures, them making my skin glow. They were luminous. It was like Paradise, but only made for me, because God knows I don't deserve his own Paradise.

The stars had their purpose, they were lighting the pathway for the fallen Angels. The ones who couldn't live for longer. I don't have a purpose like them. I don't have a reason to glow, for anyone or anything. Not even for myself. 

I can't glow for myself.

But there's no way in Hell am I going to kill myself or some shit, because that would mean I've lost. I don't lose. And, anyways. If I were to die, I wouldn't go up to the stars. I'd fall down to the ground, and burn because of all the people I've done wrong. It will be bright, but not as pretty.

I don't want that.

The song ends.

"Alexa, play My Future by Billie Eilish."

She's my everything. Billie gets me in ways I want certain people to. I share all my secrets with her. My guilts, feelings, vents. I can't back down now.

"Victoria, Angel? Don't stay up late, honey. You have school tomorrow." Came the voice of my mother from downstairs.

I was already drifting off to sleep. "Alexa, turn off the music." I whispered. She didn't hear me. And off I went.

~~
Walking. Walking down the pathway, white flowers left and right. I'm in a gown. Silk. Red. Long. It touches the ground behind me. There's snow everywhere. White snow. White flowers. Is this the real Paradise? I don't want it. It looks lonely.
There's a forest next to me. A deer comes out. She's beautiful. She has freckles on her back, and sparkling horns on her head. Her eyes are clearer than the snow. This can't be Hell, can it? If it is, it's not so bad. It's actually really pretty. It wouldn't be the worst if I fell down here. The snow could catch me, right? 
I hear music. It's faint, but it sounds like Je Te Laisserai Des Mots. I could know that piano verse from miles away, because I listen to it. I practise it. I play it. 
I know it.
I walk towards the sound, then realise I'm in heels. It's kind of hard to walk in them, but I do anyway.
The passage is breathtakingly beautiful. It's too pretty it hurts because, how can one explain something like this? You can't, that's the thing.
The deer is following me, by my side. She comes closer and puts her head under my hand. I drag my hand back to my chest, but then slowly inch it towards her. The moment I make contact with her skin, it's like touching liquid. She's so smooth. She's so soft, and perfect. How can something as simple as a deer be this perfect?
Suddenly, the weather changes. Everything's spinning so fast, I can't keep up. 
The Moon comes up, then the Sun, then the Moon, then the Sun. It's like everything is sped up and time is faster now. Like I'm in a time-lapse.
I start running. I don't know where, but I just run. I won't find any better place, but I might find something that makes sense.
I'm terrified, but I keep on running. Faster this time, my heels in the snow. I don't know how I manage that, but I do.
The deer is gone. Tears are streaming down my face. The music gets louder and louder as I run faster and faster.
Then, right before I reach the edge of a cliff, everything turns black.
~~

I wake up with a gasp, lying in a puddle of my own sweat.

Frantically, I look left and right. Was that a dream?

Immediately, my hands go up to my face. It's soaked wet, like I was just crying. I was, though. Wasn't I?

I slowly and steadily get up from my bed and wobble my way to the bathroom. Locking the door, I look in the mirror. My hair's a mess. Mascara streaks go all the way down to my neck. My eyes are red and puffy. Why was I crying? I feel dizzy.I quickly make my way towards the toilet and go sick in it. Disgusting. What happened? I don't think I'm sick or anything. 

I flush the toilet and step into the shower. I slowly take off my clothes. I'm bruised left and right, but the marks don't really hurt. I feel tired, but not because I just woke up. I just feel tired all the time, I don't know why. It started a few weeks ago, the tiredness and bruising. The vomiting started a few days ago.

Maybe it's just teen hormones. Because that's apparently the excuse adults give you for everything you do when you're under nineteen. But again, maybe it's just teen hormones. Maybe these thoughts of suicide is just teen hormones. Maybe these dreams of Heaven and Hell are just teen hormones.

Maybe gutting my neighbour was just some stupid teen hormones.

I turn on the tap, flinching when the ice cold water pierces my skin. Backing away, I turn the knob and wait for the water to heat up. Once it does, I slide close the shower door and walk under the shower head. The hot water splashing onto my face.

I get a headache.

Once I finish showering, I dry my body up with a towel. I don't dry my hair, I like it wet. I just brush it out. Taking my toothbrush and applying my strawberry toothpaste, I started brushing my teeth. Slowly, though. Because my gums hurt. I don't know why they hurt, though. 

Maybe it's just teen hormones.

Once I'm done, I go inside my room to pick out clothes. Usually, I pick out clothes before I shower but something is wrong with me these days. It feels like I'm too weak to do anything and every part of my body is aching and I have no idea what to do. Is my period coming soon? That might explain the headaches and the stomach pain and my tiredness, but it doesn't have anything to do with vomiting, or why my gums hurting me.

I pick out a random pair of underwear and a bra. A shirt with Tupac's face on it and some denim shorts with a spider and a spiderweb on it. My sense of style isn't the best, okay? You don't have to tell me because everyone else already does.

I go back to the mirror and tie my wet hair in a messy bun with a pencil. It's so ugly, it's not even worth tying up with a real band.

I put on some black knee socks and a random pair of blue sneakers before grabbing my bag and phone and heading downstairs. Mom's already gone to work so I just grab a waffle from the table and wait for the bus. Around ten minutes later, I hear honking outside so I grab another waffle and leave the house, making sure to lock the door behind me.

I run up to the bus and enter, remembering to breathe with my mouth and not my nose. I can't stand the smell of a small place filled with a bunch of teenagers. It's disgusting.

I go to where I usually sit, second row, left side next to the window. I place my bag next to me so nobody can sit in the seat beside me, but it's not like anyone will, anyways. I may or may not have made a reputation at school.

I suddenly get a call and see Charlie's name on my screen. I answer it and press the phone to my ear. "How's my favourite girl, this morning?" He says. He sounds so happy all the time.

"Your favourite? So you mean to tell me you talk to other girls?"

"Well, I don't really know if my mom is a girl or a woman. Or my teachers. Or my grandmother, is she a girl or woman? I can't tell. Hmm." 

I can tell he's smiling into his phone, so I smile into mine because that's what I should do. "Oh, shut up. Anyways, you can drive to school with my car, no?"

"Yes, love. I can." He's on the road, I can tell. I can hear him moving around and cars honking in the distance. "Thank you, by the way. I'll bring it out for you around lunch?"

"Yes, okay." I started looking out the window. I still have a headache, and mom taught me that when I do, I should focus on something. Right now, I'm focusing on the yellow lines on the road. "Well, I'm gonna go, okay?"

"Bye, love." And he hangs up.

I settle my phone down beside me when I get a message from someone. I pick it up to see who other than my beloved mother. The message reads: 

7:36AM Goodmorning, sweetheart. Did the bus catch you yet? If not, I forgot to tell you I bought waffles. They're on the table. Eat some for breakfast, okay? Love you, hun XX.

How touching.

I already ate them.

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Word count: 1792

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