CHAPTER 009
do I look like him?

VANESSA

"SO WHY WEREN'T YOU at the game yesterday?" Katie asked, sitting in front of her vanity.

It was late Saturday afternoon, when Vanessa came over to her house after work. Aoife dropped her off, since she didn't feel like going home yet. Vanessa came at the perfect time, since she was getting ready to go on a date with Hughie. Apparently, he's taking her to some fancy restaurant.

  An early Valentine's Day date. Yuck.

  Yesterday, the rugby team had their last home game before the Boys of Shield, which was apparently a big deal. Johnny had invited her to attend last week. Vanessa told him she could try to make it, even though she ultimately knew she wouldn't.

Vanessa stood behind her, straightening her hair. "Felt tired." she shrugged, twisting a section of her hair with the flat iron. "and I didn't feel like standing in the pouring rain watching guys chase after a ball for hours."

Katie chuckled, but her eyes were full of concern. "Have you been getting enough sleep?"

No.

"Yes."

"Vanessa."

"Kathryn."

"You really need to take a break, Ness." she told her. "I'm worried about you."

"Don't be," Vanessa shrugged. "I'm grand."

"You're running yourself ragged." Katie chided.

"It's okay, Katie. I'm okay." Vanessa assured her, as she put away the iron. "Let me just help you get ready for your super hot date."

  Katie sighed defeatedly, knowing she wasn't going to win. "Please tell me you're gonna get some rest after this."

  Vanessa went quiet for a moment.

  "So actually, Casey kind of invited me to this party—"

  "and you said yes?" Katie asked, incredulously.

  "I just don't want to be home."

"Your parents still giving you rough time?"

"Rough is an understatement." Vanessa muttered.

Katie instantly understood, her expression more sympathetic. Vanessa never revealed what happened, but she knew Katie had somewhat of an idea. She tried to press, but once she realized Vanessa would never explain, she respected it. Although she did show some obvious concern.

  "Well be careful," Katie warned. "take of yourself."

  "Always do."

  "Always?"

  "I didn't even get drunk at Biggs' party last month!" Vanessa pointed out, as she unplugged the flat iron. Then smiled, running her hands through Katie's red hair. "You look beautiful. Your boy toy is going to freak."

  Katie blushed. "You think?"

  Vanessa nodded, putting both hands on her shoulders. "He'd be an idiot if he doesn't."

Katie chuckled, reaching up to hold her hand. "Thank you, Nessa."

Vanessa grinned, then went off into Katie's closest, looking for an outfit. She surveyed all her clothes, looking for something that seemed right.

"You should wear this!" Vanessa held up a green satin mini dress. "Shit, you're gonna look amazing in this."

"Aoife got me that last week."

"Aoife has amazing taste," Vanessa nodded, handing her the dress. "You're wearing this. It brings out your beautiful eyes."

Katie smiled, taking the dress from her. She went off to the bathroom. Minutes later, she came back with it on.

"How do I look?" Katie asked shyly as she approached.

"Like you just walked out of a Vogue Magazine shoot," Vanessa gushed excitedly. "Katie you seriously look gorgeous."

"Oh, stop!" Katie's cheeks turned pink, smiling bashfully. "Can you help me with my makeup?" she sat down by her vanity again.

"Of course," Vanessa nodded, following her. "I'm not as good as Aoife or Casey, but I know what I'm doing."

  "Well I trust you."

  "Perfect." Vanessa grabbed her makeup bag.

  As Vanessa did her makeup, Katie's phone buzzed. Katie glanced at the message, smiling at who it was from. She doesn't reply yet.

  "Let me guess, Hughie?" Vanessa smirked, applying gold eyeshadow.

  "Um, no, actually... it was Patrick." Katie admitted shyly.

  "Wait, Feely?" Vanessa's brow furrowed. "The guy Casey's shagging?"

  "he's Hughie's best friend. So we're also..."Katie awkwardly chuckled "friends."

  Vanessa gave her a curious look, but didn't question it.

She could've sworn she saw them glancing at each other during lunch, and Katie mentioned having music class with him. Katie also rode with Feely to drop Casey home at the '90s party. Vanessa didn't want to say anything, but there was definitely something in the way they looked at each other.

Could she be...?

Now come to think of it, she did also remember seeing Hughie and Lizzie arguing at his party last month over someone... which definitely gave off exes vibes.

Could he be...?

Vanessa shook those thoughts out of her head, focusing on makeup. If Katie, hell even Lizzie, wanted to tell her the details, she'd be all ears. She knew she couldn't be nosy, since this drama doesn't involve her.

But maybe she could ask Gibsie to tell her a few details on Monday, though.

  LOUD MUSIC BLARED through the speakers of a stranger's house. Vanessa stumbled through the living room, drinking a bottle of wine. She vaguely recognized the tune as In Da Club by 50 Cent.

For once, Vanessa wasn't in control. She didn't feel like Atlas holding the sky. Vanessa felt free—like a regular teen girl, who just wanted to be reckless and have a few drinks. In her intoxicated state, she never felt better. Her cautious demeanor faded, and was replaced with a giddy, untroubled version of herself.

Maybe she should've gotten drunk more often. Coherent thoughts were exhausting. Why did she even stop in the first place? For the first time in a while, Vanessa didn't feel a thing. And she liked that. No guilt. No sadness. She wished she could feel that way all the time.

She didn't even know how it happened. One moment, she was dancing with Casey, with only one red cup. They got separated, and she found herself drinking another one. Then another cup. And somehow got access to bottle. She remembered finding Casey, then losing her again, then throwing shapes with other guys she forgot the names of. Everything felt like a hazy blur.

As she walked through the crowd in search of her best friend, remembering her existence again, she felt someone grab her waist from behind.

"Hey pretty girl."

Vanessa turned around, and found a boy smirking at her. He was about an inch taller than her, brunette hair, pale blue eyes, and smelled like he didn't know what deodorant was.

  "Who...who is...you?" she slurred.

  "Wow am I really that forgettable?" he chuckled. "Nessa, it's me, Mike!"

  Vanessa stared blankly at him for a solid minute, trying to sort through her messed up head where this guy fit in.

  Then it clicked.

Mike—an old fling!

  "Mike!" Vanessa started laughing like a complete maniac. "Oh my God, of course!"

  This Mike guy smiled awkwardly at her, waiting for her to stop. She never did. Vanessa clutched her stomach, tears pooling from her eyes.

  "Okay, okay." he joined in on the laughter, still feeling awkward. "I don't really get how it's so funny."

  "You're the guy with the tiny dick!" she exclaimed."Holy shit! It was like this size—" Vanessa brought her hands up to show him.

  Then someone intervened, grabbing her by the wrists.

  "Okay, that's enough socializing for today!"

  "What—Casey!" Vanessa whined. "I was just telling Mike about his tiny dick."

"and I'm sure Mike really appreciates that," Casey agreed, her voice amused, as she glanced at the red-faced boy, and smirked. "you really deflated his ego."

Casey wrapped her arm around Vanessa's shoulders, leading her away. Vanessa turned her head back, to see Mike still staring.

"Casey, what are you doing?" Vanessa hissed, trying to get out of her grasp.

"We're taking you home," Casey said, as they found the door.

"Boo," Vanessa stuck her tongue out like a petulant child.

Casey rolled her eyes amusedly. "I forgot how much of a bitch you were when you were drunk."

"I can be a bitch no matter," Vanessa scoffed taking offense. She took another sip of her drink.

Casey quickly snatched it away, and drank the rest of what was left.

"Casey!" Vanessa complained. "fucking rude!"

They walked out the door, to the car parked right in front. A familiar boy was leaning against the passenger door.

"Well, well, well," Alec crossed his arms, looking at the girls amusedly. "What do we have here?"

"Vanessa drunk off her ass," Casey snorted, opening the door to the backseat, shoving her friend inside. "You can't honestly tell me you'd have a good time with Mike of all people."

"Leave me alone," Vanessa slurred, slumping in her seat. "I just wanna have fun."

  "and you deserved to," Casey rubbed her shoulder. "but you also do stupid shit."

  "Do not!"

"You can take the girl out of the party phase, but you can't take the party phase out of the girl." Alec teased, starting the car up, driving away. He glanced at Casey through the rearview mirror. "Who knew you'd be the sensible one tonight, Devil-Tits."

  "Someone has to be." Casey smirked, then took out her phone. "Joe isn't happy, by the way." she said amusedly looking at a text.

  "Boo," Vanessa groaned at the mention of her brother. "he fucking sucks. Acting like he hasn't done worse."

  Alec snorted. "So who did you terrorize tonight, Loch-Ness Monster?"

  "Mike," Casey snickered. "and I saw you dancing with that one guy...what's his name?"

  "I think Johnny," Vanessa answered, trying to think back through her blurry memories. "but not my Johnny." she sighed dreamily, looking out the window. "I miss my Johnny."

  "Your Johnny?" Casey raised an eyebrow.

  "Johnny, Johnny, Johnny" Vanessa giggled loudly, which she would never do sober (unless she was playing with Sean). "he's such a pretty boy."

"Shit, are you talking about your rugby lad?" Alec's brows shot up.

  Vanessa nodded enthusiastically. "His eyes are blue like the ocean. A really pretty crystal, dark blue. His voice sounds funny because he's a Dub, but it's so hot!" she giggled again, as she rambled. "He's also super rich. His house is so big—but he's not posh. And his car is so nice on the outside, but it's so messy and smells like shit."

  "You seem to know a lot about this guy," Casey noted, raising her eyebrow.

"and his smile...he doesn't smile a lot because he has a bitch resting face, but it's so pretty," Vanessa closed her eyes, trying to conjure the image in her brain. "whenever I see it, I swear sparks fly."

"Sparks fly?" Alec asked amusedly. "How much did you drink?"

  "And have you seen the size of him?" Vanessa continued ignoring Alec's question, her eyes widening as she opened them. "His dick is definitely much bigger than Mike's. Maybe even Podge's." she stated matter-a-factly.

  Casey and Alec stare at each other quietly for a moment, then they both started cracking up.

  "God I missed drunk Nessa," Alec cackled.

  "Sober you is gonna kill us," Casey said in between laughs.

  "The boy is mine," Vanessa declared confidently, slurring her words, while resting her head on Casey's shoulder.

"Whatever you say, babe," Casey smirked, wrapping an arm around her. "You're the biggest ride in Ballylaggin and could get any guy you want."

  "Nooo, you're the biggest ride!"

  "It's definitely you, babe."

  "Can we both be the biggest rides? And Aoife, too?"

  "Of course."

  "Yay!" Vanessa's eyes lit up.

Then she frowned as a realization hit, "I don't want to think about Aoife riding my brother, though."

"Can't really blame her," Casey teased, making Vanessa glare at her.

When they arrived to her house, Casey helped Nessa out the car, and walked her over to her house. Joey was already outside waiting, looking tired.

Rude. Vanessa thought he should be matching her energy.

"Joey!" Vanessa exclaimed happily, getting out of Casey's grip, and running toward him.

"Jesus Christ," he muttered, catching his giddy sister before she fell.

"I missed you!" Vanessa threw her arms around him tightly.

"Yeah, yeah," Joey patted her back. "How much did you drink tonight?" he pulled away, giving her a concerned look.

"I'm grand." Vanessa shot him a grin. "one, two, three," she started counting with her fingers, then got confused. "I don't know!"

Joey rolled his eyes, keeping a steady arm around his sister. He turned to Casey, then looked back at Alec in the car. "Thanks guys." then he helped Vanessa in the house. "come on, ya idiot. You're going to bed."

"I like not being here," Vanessa told him, as Joey opened the front door. "this house makes me wanna die."

"Me too, Ness," Joey sighed, letting her go in first. "me too."

With Joey steadying her, Vanessa walked through the dimly lit kitchen.

"Is he awake?"

"He's sleeping."

"Thank fuck." Vanessa laughed. "I swear he's gonna kill me one day."

"Don't say shit like that, Nessa." Joey's voice hardened. "I would never let that happen."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

Vanessa held up her pinky, which made Joey groan.

"We're eighteen, not eight."

"Do it." she demanded. "you can't break a pinky promise. And I don't wanna die in this house."

"Shut up. You're not dying in this house."

Vanessa narrowed her eyes, still holding her finger up.

Joey rolled his eyes, intertwining their pinkies.  "Please don't ever get drunk again." he groaned. "you're already a pain in my ass."

  "You need to stay sober." she shot back. "you're an even bigger pain."

Joey didn't even try to argue against that.

As they approached the stairs, they found someone already on the top, staring at them.

"Mother dearest," Vanessa slurred.

Marie said nothing in response. She just stared at her, with a look which Vanessa could only assume was of distaste.

"Oh come on," Vanessa scoffed, pulling away from Joey. She staggered closer. "Say something."

Marie stayed silent, which angered Vanessa.

  Who did she think she was? Vanessa thought. Silently judging her, looking all disapproving. As if she wasn't the reason.

"In case you forgot, I'm your daughter too, and I could really use some acknowledgement." Vanessa continued, holding the rail by the bottom of the stairs for support. "not just a second mother for your kids. So go ahead, and tell me of how irresponsible and fucked up I am."

  Tell me you remember I exist.

Remember I'm your daughter.

  "Joe and I were in there once," Vanessa reminded her, glancing at her pregnant stomach.

Marie didn't utter a word.

"Fucking say something!" Vanessa spat out, glaring at the woman.

Marie took a deep breath, and finally spoke. "When I look at you, I see him." her voice was eerily calm, sending a shiver down Vanessa's spine.

Vanessa staggered backward, which made Joey instantly appear to her side, stabilizing her.

That one sentence seemed to sober her up for a singular moment. Suddenly, she remembered why she hated parties and avoided getting drunk.

I see him.

Without saying anything more, Marie retreated back to her room which she shared with him.

Vanessa's vision started becoming blurry, her eyes feeling more watery. She looked at Joey, and noticed his angry expression, his fist clenched at his side.

"Am I really—" her eyes widened, lowering herself down to sit on the first step. "I—" she buried her face in her hands, holding back a sob.

"No. Fuck, no!" Joey's expression softened, kneeling down in front of her. "You are not him." he placed both hands on her shoulders.

"But I'm drunk!" she hiccuped. "I can't think straight! I look exactly—"

"You're not hurting anyone." Joey argued, gently prying her hands off her face. "Not me. Not Shannon. Not Tadhg, Ollie, or Sean." he assured her. "You would never hurt your family. You love your family."

Vanessa nodded at his words, finally looking at him, hot tears streaming down her face.

"Come on," Joey helped her stand up. "Let's take you to bed."

"Is Shan sleeping?" she sniffled. The last thing she wanted was for her sister—or any of siblings—to see her like this.

"Shan's in bed," Joey nodded. "the boys are too."

As they entered her room, Vanessa flopped on her bed, and Joey pulled her light blue duvet over her body. He went to her vanity, grabbing a pack of her makeup remover. Then he sat down beside her, wiping her face.

"You're a bleeding mess," Joey muttered, slightly amused. "and need waterproof mascara."

Vanessa cracked a small smile, which Joey returned. She forgot she had makeup on, and guessed she probably looked like a clown with the mascara running down her face.

  Then she frowned. "I think I hate her."

  "I think I hate her too."

  "I hate this house."

  "I hate this house too."

  "I hate living."

  "I hate living too."

  "Joey?"

  "Yes?"

  "I'll always have you, right?"

"Of course."

"Until the bitter end?"

"Until the bitter end," Joey repeated, leaning down to press his lips on her forehead. "Get some sleep, Nessa. You're gonna hate yourself tomorrow when you have a nasty hangover."

Vanessa groaned at the reminder. "Fuck off."

Joey smirked as he walked to the door. "You've definitely had worse," he turned off her lights.

Vanessa closed her eyes. "Oh, and Joe?"

"Yeah?"

"You're not him, either."

It went dead silent for a moment.

Joey let out a shaky breath. "Good night, Nessa."

"Good night, Joey."

LEXI NOTES !

put nessa and joey in a recording studio
and you get this:

me when marie murphy: ☹️❤️
marie lynch: 😤😤