Book: Stolen Moments
Author: lostlovefairy
Reviewer: LuciferDaredevil2
Chapters read: 14

TITLE (5/5):
The title and subtitle are fantastic for the one-shot and align well with the content of the book. They set the tone and expectations perfectly for the story.

COVER (2/5):
The cover has a moody and somber aesthetic that fits the theme. The reflective figure adds emotional depth, suggesting personal and intimate stories within the collection. The dim lighting and sepia tones create a sense of nostalgia and mystery, enhancing the theme of "stolen moments."

However, the cover feels somewhat dull and lacks the intrigue needed to make it immediately clickable. While the aesthetic is good, it could benefit from a bit more visual appeal to attract potential readers.

Additionally, the alignment of the title, "Stolen Moments," and the subtitle, "A Collection of Short Stories," needs attention. There is a noticeable gap between the words "A Collection of Short" and "Stories" in the subtitle, while the title itself feels too closely aligned with the subtitle. This misalignment affects visual clarity. Consider adjusting the spacing and placement for better balance.

Another issue is the black outline around "Stolen Moments"—it feels too large. A smaller, sharper outline would look cleaner and more visually appealing. Also, the picture quality and resolution seem slightly low, detracting from the overall look. A higher-resolution image could enhance the aesthetic.

BLURB (10/10):
This blurb is emotionally charged and evocative, effectively tapping into universal themes of love, heartbreak, and loss, making it relatable to a wide audience. The reflective questions resonate with deep emotional experiences, drawing readers in and creating a sense of vulnerability.

The final question about being married before recovering from heartbreak adds a compelling twist, sparking curiosity about the story's conflict. However, the blurb could be more concise and clearer, as it feels a bit long and repetitive at times. The flow between the questions could be smoother, and focusing more on the protagonist's specific conflict would help readers connect more deeply. Despite these areas for improvement, the blurb does a strong job of setting up the central emotional themes and leaving readers intrigued.
Here’s an example version of the blurb that maintains the emotional impact while tightening the flow and clarity:
"Have you ever loved someone so completely that life felt impossible without them? What happens when that love slips through your fingers? When you're hurt by someone you thought would never hurt you? Or when someone who loves you lets you go, believing it's for your own good?

Can you imagine being with someone who sees you for who you truly are, but you're so consumed by the memory of another that you can't see them? And what if you end up marrying someone before you've fully healed from a heartbreak?

This is the story of a love that can't be forgotten and a journey of discovering what it means to truly be seen."

PLOT (8/10):
The one-shot is rich with raw emotions. Many of the chapters feel like they’re the climax or ending of an intense romantic story. However, it could benefit from more buildup in areas like character dynamics, story structure, and pacing.

The raw emotions and introspection are well-written but, at times, feel a bit long, especially without sufficient context such as backstories or buildup. This can become overwhelming. It might be helpful to introduce the mystery of the characters’ pasts alongside their introspection. Rather than waiting for the later chapters, starting with conflict and introspection could build the arc more organically and maintain intrigue and anticipation.

A good example of a story with great conflict and setting is Qayamat se Qayamat Tak. It begins with a tragedy where two families become blood rivals. The romance unfolds between characters from opposing sides, with a palpable sense of danger. Their chemistry wasn’t exceptional, but the conflict and setting were compelling.

There was an underlying sense of disaster looming over their love, and the tragic ending, while expected, still felt emotionally powerful.

For me, the key to a better romance is integrating it into something larger—bigger themes that add complexity, conflict, and intrigue. The romance shouldn’t overshadow the central plot but should emerge naturally within the larger narrative. This creates emotional depth without overwhelming the reader.

Here are two examples from games:
• Prince of Persia: Warrior Within: The overall storyline is fantastic, but the romance feels lackluster. The prince and the empress don’t share much chemistry, and their relationship ends abruptly with no real emotional buildup. While the main plot is great, the romance feels disconnected.
• Nier Automata: This game offers one of the best romantic sub-plots. The characters 2B and 9S share a genuine, understated chemistry. 2B, emotionless and cold on the outside, evolves through the story, and 9S complements her in a more open and caring way. Their feelings for each other are never explicitly stated, but their connection is clear and deeply emotional. This type of subtle romance adds depth without feeling forced.

The poetry in the beginning of Chapter 1 was very impactful, but the last line didn’t seem to flow as smoothly or fit the rhyme scheme. Here’s a suggestion to make it flow better and maintain the rhyme:

"Just between us, I remember it all too well."
"But was it just me and not you?"

The chapters in your story are well-structured, neat, and organized, which works well. However, I think the overall plot still lacks conflict, complexity, and character dynamics. The characters feel a bit one-dimensional, and the dialogue often feels too intense, leaving little room for reflection. Introducing more conflict, misunderstandings, and mystery could help make the story more dynamic.
While I understand this is a one-shot and the writing is very well done, I have an alternative plot suggestion that might add layers of complexity and intrigue:
→ The character had feelings for someone from her past, but he didn’t feel the same. Over time, he developed feelings for her too, but by then, it was too late because she was married to someone else. However, the person she’s married to is evil. This setup would build the mystery and intrigue, adding depth and complexity to the plot.

Ultimately, these are just suggestions. How you choose to evolve your story is up to you, but I hope my feedback helps!

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT (7/10):
I found it somewhat difficult to connect with the characters, which feels like a missed opportunity. While the characters and their interactions seem intense and emotional on the surface, they lack the depth needed to make them truly compelling. The chemistry between the characters often feels shallow because there isn’t enough buildup, external conflict, mystery, or complexity to support it. Internal conflicts dominate, but external conflicts are minimal, making the characters’ struggles feel imbalanced.

The dialogues also felt overly intense at times. For example, a line like, “If you leave me, I will kill myself,” comes across as too extreme and can alienate readers. More subtle and relatable expressions of emotion might make these moments feel more genuine.

And many of the dialogues and scenes can be made to flow better and more conversational with more refined structures like,

ORIGINAL: Don't say that," he said softly, "I'll let you go, Nia. I won't bother you again, but don't say you and I weren't right. It's just you for me, Nia. But I'll let you go. I love you. So much. I love you, Nia," he wiped his tears.

Here, Nia is mentioned three times… and it feels redundant.

EDITED: "Don't say that," he said softly, his voice trembling. "I'll let you go. I won't bother you again, but don't say we weren't right for each other. It's just you for me. Always has been."

His hands shook as he wiped away his tears. "I'll let you go, but... I love you. So much."

It's not inherently bad to mention a character's name multiple times in a passage, especially if it's used for emphasis or emotional resonance. However, overusing a name can sometimes disrupt the natural flow or feel repetitive, especially in dialogue-heavy scenes. It can also make the writing feel less intimate.

In terms of character dynamics and chemistry, there’s room for improvement. A great way to make characters more engaging is to focus on their relationships and how their personalities complement or clash with each other. This would not only make the romance more interesting but also add depth to the story overall.

Here are a couple of examples of strong character dynamics:
• The Hitman's Bodyguard: The contrasting personalities of the hitman (reckless, chaotic, brash) and the bodyguard (calm, methodical, strategic) create a dynamic that is both entertaining and compelling. Their ongoing rivalry and banter make their interactions fascinating to watch.
• Lycoris Recoil: In this anime, the protagonists, Chisato and Takina, have opposing personalities—Chisato is charming and loud, while Takina is reserved and robotic. Their contrasting traits and layers of complexity make their chemistry engaging and memorable.

Adding similar layers of conflict, contrast, and complementarity could elevate the characters and make their interactions more impactful.

GRAMMAR AND VOCABULARY (9/10):
There are a few grammar mistakes here and there, like
1. Incorrect Question Structure
• Original: "While Advik seemed confined by her mind?"
• Issue: The sentence is written as a question but lacks proper interrogative syntax.
• Suggested Edits:
o If it's a question: "Why did Advik seem confined by her mind?"
o If it's a statement: "Advik seemed confined by her mind."
o If part of a longer thought: "While Advik seemed confined by her mind, Zayne found space outside of all the boxes in her brain."

2. Choice of Word: "Portion of her Brain"
• Original: "I recalled the early days of relentless struggle to rise to the surface, to assert the voice of the repressed portion of her brain that I inhabited."
• Suggested Edit: "I recalled the early days of relentless struggle—to rise to the surface, to assert the voice of the repressed part of her mind that I inhabited."
• Explanation: "Part of her mind" sounds more natural and relatable than "portion of her brain," which feels clinical in this context.

3. Verb Tense Inconsistency
• Original: "I had seen him flirt with other girls, date them, and even stumbled upon him making out with one of his exes."
• Suggested Edit: "I had seen him flirt with other girls, date them, and even stumble upon him making out with one of his exes."
• Explanation: Maintain consistent past perfect tense for clarity and smoothness.

4. Compound Adjective: "Six-hour"
• Original: "After a six hour long drive, we finally arrived at Advik's house."
• Corrected: "After a six-hour drive, we finally arrived at Advik's house."
• Explanation: Compound adjectives like "six-hour" should be hyphenated when placed before a noun.

5. Redundancy and Conciseness
• Original: "He seized my wrist with one hand and snatched the pen from my grasp with the other, tossing my planner carelessly aside onto the bedside table."
• Corrected: "He seized my wrist with one hand and snatched the pen from my grasp with the other, tossing my planner carelessly onto the bedside table."
• Explanation: The word "aside" is redundant here, as "tossing my planner carelessly onto the bedside table" conveys the intended meaning without it.

6. Use of "Of" in "Scrambled Off of Me"
• Original: "Taking a deep breath, Advik scrambled off of me, his demeanor suddenly serious."
• Corrected: "Taking a deep breath, Advik scrambled off me, his demeanor suddenly serious."
• Explanation: The phrase "off me" is grammatically more straightforward and concise. "Off of me" is less formal and could affect readability.

Closing comments:
Thank you for sharing your book! Overall, the writing style and chapter structure were strong. If you'd like to enhance the story further, consider focusing on the cover, plot, and character development. That's all!

─⁠──⁠──⁠──⁠─ ⋄ ☾∘☽ ⋄ ─⁠──⁠──⁠──⁠─  

Thank you for requesting a review from us. Do let us know what you think so that we can improve to better provide for authors like you.