CHAPTER FOURTY-FIVE a little different

"Why're you running away?"

THE SNOW OUTSIDE blankets everything around me in a hushed white layer. It's heavy and relentless. The kind that makes the world seem so far away, leaving you isolated and alone.

The snowstorm kept everyone stuck in place. Joe and I here, our parents there. We were supposed to be with our own families, eating dinner and exchanging gifts. Instead, it's just Joe and I in my apartment, and it feels strange.

"I guess it's just us this year," I sigh softly, watching the snow fall in intricate patterns across the sky. The entire city feels quiet, tucked away in the sanctuary of their own homes. He sits beside me, a little too far and a little too close. The odd ache in my stomach that's been with me for weeks now it's as prominent as it has been. And I'm thankful for that.

"I thought for sure they would've made it," his voice trails off while he glances down at his hands. I've yet to meet Joe's family, but I know how much he loves them. I pull my knees up to my chest, pulling the blanket tighter around me- Joe looks tired. I'm sure he's feeling the emptiness of his own families absence. His disappointment is clear and I understand- it's hard to hide my own. I had gone all out on my parents gifts, eager to make up for the past holidays we spent apart. But here we are, away from each other yet again.

"It's fine," he says, but it's not really fine. "We'll make it work. It'll just be... a little different. That's all." His lips twitch into a small smile. He's trying, I know that, but it just feels like any joy of the holiday is slipping away, right between our fingers.

The lights flickers for a second. I glance at the kitchen light hopefully, waiting. There's a hum as the power blinks back on, lighting the apartment up in soft light of the Christmas tree strands. I can't help but sigh in relief, rushing to the hallway to turn the heat up.

When I come back, I collapse onto the couch and begin shedding my layers- extra socks, a cardigan, sweats over my leggings. Joe's standing in front of the tree, head tilted. It's small- one of the fake ones you buy in a hurry, because you forgotten to get a real one, and all the other nice, big fake ones were already sold out. The branches are sparse, void of any ornaments.

"It's cute," he says he notices me, voice too  cheerful to be convincing. "I like the... colorful lights. Josh's choice?" I try to repress a smile, but I can't. "Yeah. I wanted white, but Josh said we had to make up for the lack of ornaments."

He shakes his head, huffing out a quiet laugh. "I guess he's got a point. It's kinda charming. Like a Charlie Brown tree."

I can't help but notice just how much space there is between us. It feels purposeful, like there's some invisible line that we just can't bring ourselves to cross.

"We should do something," I blurt, turning to him fully."I know we're stuck here, but we might as well make it feel like Christmas, right?"

A small smile, a real one, tugs at the corners of his lips. "Like what? Sing carols and roast chestnuts?"

I cross my arms over my chest as I roll my eyes. "No, smartass. I mean... I don't know. Make dinner or watch a movie or something."

"Anything but pasta. I think you worn me out on it."

I nudge him with my elbow as I pass by to get to the kitchen. "I make no promises."

The blonde follows me into the kitchen, leaning against the counter. I rummage through the cabinets, pretending the way his gaze burns into my skin. There's not much that resembles a Christmas dinner. "I wasn't planning on cooking, so we're gonna have to work with whatever left in here."

Joe peers over my shoulder as I rummage through the fridge- left overs, eggs, veggies. "Well?" he prompts from his spot at the counter. "I can do... grilled cheeses, fish sticks, there's fruit..."

"Do you have pancake mix?" he interrupts. "I think so," I rummage through the cabinet again, pulling out a red box. "Please make me waffles," he sighs breathily, dropping his forehead against his arms.

"Waffles it is."

He slides into a stool, watching as I pour the mix into the mini-waffle maker. It's one Josh had since high school, the shape of a marshmallow Peep in the center. I can't help but wonder if Joe is feeling the same hint of tension that I am- it's not heavy, but slightly upsetting.

I move to the cutting board to slice some fruit for Joe's waffles. I'm working on the strawberries when he clears his throat from behind me- I gasp, the knife slipping and nicking my finger. "Fuck!" I jerk my hand back just as he steps forward, apologizing. "Shit, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you-"

He takes my hand, grabbing a paper towel and pressing it against the cut. I'm too busy staring at his face to notice the sting of the thin cut. Brows drawn together, lips pressed into a tight line. He's so focused, like he's genuinely worried about it, and there's a low flutter in my stomach.

"It's not bad," he murmurs as he glances up at me through his eyelashes. Joe keeps his voice soft, like he's afraid to startle me again.

It's hard to ignore the proximity between us. The snow outside muffles the world beyond this kitchen, leaving the two of us in a pocket of a silent, still intimacy. Neither of us pull away, even though my heart is racing in my chest and his gaze flickers up to my mouth. I can't stop myself; I glance at his lips too, taking notice of the way his breathing seems to match mine- shallow and uneven.

He brushes his fingers over my knuckles, leaning in, just barely, until his nose brushes mine. "I should get a BandAid," I whisper, hoping he'll kiss me. He lets out a short hum, "Mhm, yeah. You should."

Please, Joe, kiss me. 

I lean against the counter, trying to anchor myself, but my hand brushes the handle of the knife, sending it clattering against the ground. Joe and I both jump back. "I'm gonna go get that BandAid," I blurt, rushing out the kitchen and into the bathroom before the embarrassment can set in.

My hands feel clumsy as I dig for a bandage. I take a few deep breaths, trying to steady myself as I rip it open with my teeth. Once it's finally around my finger, I take a final steadying breath and force myself back into the kitchen.

Joe's leant over the counter, decorating his stack of waffles with layers of sliced fruit. I try to sound casual as I approach- "Crisis averted. Just a tiny cut."

"Good," he mumbles, maintaining his attention on the food. His jaw is tight from the earlier tension hanging in the air. He slides a plate- free of fruit- across the counter. "Your waffles, a la Peep."

He cracks a smile. "Thanks." He cuts into his own stack, glancing up at me quickly. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I lie, cutting into one of the waffles with my fork. "Why wouldn't I be?" He only shrugs, stabbing a banana slice, making a point to focus on anything but me.

I try to do the same. But every time I look up, I catch his sharp gaze trying to figure something out. I force myself to eat, even if my stomach is still in knots. When my plate is empty, I busy myself with cleaning to have something to do.

Joe doesn't object- he moves to the living room, leaving me scrubbing at the sink. When I'm done, I can only stand there, trying to convince myself to stop overthinking it. You're dating, Talullah. Why are you getting so worked up over a near-kiss?

He's sprawled on the couch when I step into the living room. I pull the blanket over my legs, curling up at the opposite end and trying to focus on whatever movie he's staring blankly at.

Neither of us say anything else. Exhaustion creeps in- nights of sleeping away from Joe has caught up with me now that he's finally here. I don't remember falling asleep, but when I wake up, I'm tucked against his side, his arm draped over me.

I want to stay here, in this little moment of normalcy. Just for a little longer.

But then he shifts, and I freeze. His voice breaks the silence, "I know you're awake," low and teasing.

I bite my lip in embarrassment. I finally let out a small sigh, shifting slightly. "Sorry," I mumble. He laughs, deep and easy that makes my stomach flip. "It's not like you were asleep. I could feel you overthinking." I push myself up, sliding a little down the couch to put some space between us.

He shifts closer, pressing his leg against mine as if the distance I put between us had been a mistake. "Why're you running away?"

My breath catches and I can feel my cheeks warm. I'm not sure what I'm apologizing for- the awkwardness, the vulnerability, everything. "Sorry-"

He pulls back enough for me to see his face. His eyes are soft, "Stop apologizing. I missed you."

My chest loosens- the ache in my stomach fades, just for a moment. It's a relief.

"I missed you too," I breathe out, relaxing into him. Joe slips his arm around me, sighing before turning to me again. Wanna do gifts?"

I nod, pushing myself up to pluck his presents from their spots under the tree. I place the large box in his lap. He pulls out the vintage letterman jacket I found at my favorite thrift store. It's colorful and  worn in the best way, reminding me so much of the blonde quarterback.

"This is cool as hell," he grins, sliding it on over  his hoodie. "I love it, Tals. Do I look good in it?" He wiggles his eyebrows, swiping his shoulder dramatically. "Yeah, you look great, Joe," I laugh. "I love it, thanks, babe," he leans over, pressing a kiss to my temple. I can't help but freeze. He's smiling again, acting more himself than I've seen in weeks, yet my chest is heavy under the sudden affection.

"My turn," he quips, producing a square box with a simple golden ribbon. I open the box, revealing a golden watch. With a face surrounded by diamonds, I can't help but let my mouth hang as I watch the piece glimmer under the light. "Joe, this is..."

"Nice?" he asks hopefully, his expression hopeful. "Expensive as hell," I say breathlessly, looking back up at him. "I can't, Joe, this must've been.... way too much."

His eyes soften. "Please, Tally. I wanted to, you deserve something nice." I blink back the sudden surge of emotions, slipping the lid back on. "Besides, I have something to go with it."

"Joe, you didn't."

But he did. He places a rectangular box, identical to the first, in my lap. I carefully untie the ribbon, opening the box to see a delicate tennis bracelet. It's lined with tiny, shimmering diamonds that catch the soft light of the room. It's so gorgeous that it feels unreal.

"Joe," I breathe, voice caught in my throat. "This is... I don't even know what to say."

He smiles, a little sheepishly. "I know it's a bit much, but... I know you said you didn't have any bracelets, so I figured this could be your first one."

I didn't even realize how much I wanted something like this- someone who listens, who see's me. Joe listens to me, and Joe see's me. Even when things are bad.

I hold the bracelet in my hand like it's something precious- it is to me. "Thank you," I whisper, trying to swallow the lump in my throat. Suddenly Joe's jacket seems silly.

He rubs the back of his neck, cheeks pink. "I just wanted to do something special for you."

I lean over to squeeze his hand, unable to find the words to explain how grateful I am. Not only for the bracelet, but for him. We sit there a few moments, hands intertwined.  Joe breaks the stillness as he stands and stretches. "I'm gonna grab a drink."

He returns from the kitchen, a bottle of wine in hand. I can't help but laugh. "I was assuming a glass of water or coffee." He grins, setting the two glasses down. "If we're stuck here all night, might as well have some fun."

We settle on the floor around the coffee table, a deck of cards spread out. We go through a few rounds of spades, the wine the key to the now relaxed atmosphere. The tension's melted away- there's a lightness in the air. Underneath it all, the current remains. An unspoken pull that's hard to ignore.

After being beat for the hundredth time, I stretch my arms above my head. "I'm going take a bath," I announce. Joe raises an eyebrow, clearly amused as he gathers the cards. "What happened to keeping it cozy?"

"I'm cold," I grin, taking my glass  with me into the bathroom. Music plays softly from the speaker as I sink into the steaming water. I can't help but sigh in content- for the first time, the gnawing ache in my chest is nowhere to be found.

Joe knocks from the outside.

"Yeah?" I call, surprised.

His voice comes through the wood, a little slurred, a little cheeky. "Can I come in?"

"I guess so." I don't even think before I respond, sinking further into the water.

He steps in and leans against the doorframe, eyes raking over me. My wine glass rests on the edge of the tub. I reach for it, cheeks warm as his lips curve into a smile, watching me like he's memorizing every detail.

"You're even more beautiful when you're all relaxed like this," he says, stepping into the bathroom and closing the door behind him. I can't help but smile. "Flattery will get you everywhere, Burrow. What do you want?"

"Just to check on you." Joe clumsily sinks to the floor next to the bathtub and reaches out to rush a strand of wet hair away from my face. "I'm serious, Tally." His voice drops, blinking slowly a few times. "I love you. Even if we haven't been perfect, I still love you."

He brushes the back of his fingers against my cheek, eyes glossy and cheeks flushed. "Hey, I got you something else."

He pulls a black, velvet box from his pocket. He glances at my wet hands, giggling slightly,  before opening it. Against the soft fabric lie a dainty, golden chain with a "J" charm hanging from it.

"Joe, it's beautiful," I sigh, glancing from the box to him. His smile softened as he pulls it from the box. "It's for you," he murmurs lowly, almost shy. I hold my hair up, allowing him to clasp the chain around my neck. My fingers brush the charm, the metal cool against my damp, warm skin.

I lean back against the tub, catching Joe's eye. There's something familiar in the way he was looking at me. He was finally seeing past everything else, straight into me. My heart ached with how much I missed this. With how much I missed him.

He grabs my face, leaning in and kissing my temple. The my cheek, and the corner of my mouth. Each one was soft and quick, like he just couldn't help himself. I couldn't help but laugh- wine sloshes over the side of the glass and into the water. He continued pressing little kisses across my face, mapping every dimple, freckle and scar.

I swallow hard. "Kiss me."

He pulls away, lips pulled into a mischievous smirk. "What was that?"

My faces heats up as I sink further into the water, until it reaches my chin. "I said kiss me," I mumble, embarrassed I even asked. Come on, Talullah. 'Kiss me'? Really? How old are you?

Joe nudges my chin up with his thumb, forcing me to meet his gaze. "No, no," he grins like he has me right where he wants me. "Say it again," he says softly. "You miss me or something?"

I bite back a groan, my cheeks burning hotter. "Joe-"

He leans over the edge of the tub, letting his lips graze mine. "Just admit it, Talullah," he says lowly, full of that cocky confidence that makes my knees weak. "You missed me."

"I did," I breathe. "I missed you so much."

His breath fanning across my lips is enough to make me forget what else I was going to say. But then I realize how close he's gotten- his arm is already wet from where it's braced against the edge of the bathtub. "You're gonna get wet," I murmur, desperate to keep my voice steady. A lazy grin spreads across his face. "Don't care."

Then his mouth is on mine.