CHAPTER EIGHTEEN i do care

"They're going to see the way I look at you, and it's going to ruin everything."

I DON'T KNOW what Joe is doing, but I don't like it. He's playing frantic and intense- he's pushing harder, throwing deeper and more precisely than ever before. Aggressive, even. It's getting more intense as the game goes on; a hit here, a shove there, each one more reckless than the last. He's playing like he has something at stake. It's unsettling- he's playing with this... darkness, almost. His usual grace and poise are gone.

At least Josh is enjoying it. He's vibrating with excitement, egging Joe's behavior on. "Yeah, Joe, slam him!" he screams, his fists balled up. Marren slaps his arm disapprovingly, but the energy is contagious. The fans behind us are doing the same, shouting and cheering it on. Josh doesn't listen, and neither does Joe.

I swallow uncomfortably. His body language is ridged with sharp, fast, sudden movements.  When he steps back into the pocket, it immediately collapses. I gasped as the linemen charged at him, crashing into him like a freight train. Joe takes the hit, slamming against the ground. There's a collective gasp among the crowd- I'm frozen, my nails digging into my palms.

The quarterback pushes himself up, wasting no time. No wince, no groan. Instead, he shoves the Steelers player who hit him, mouthing something angry and quick. Tee comes up quickly, pulling Joe back, his hands waving as he intervenes. The ref blows the whistle, sending a flag flying through the air. "Personal foul, unnecessary roughness. On Burrow," the announcer's voice booms through the speakers.

"Are you joking?" it falls from my lips before I can stop myself. "Did he just get flagged?" Marren asks, leaning over Josh to talk to me. Her mouth hangs open in surprise. "Joe never gets penalties. Like, ever." I turn to Josh, who's eating the entire ordeal up. "You're being a bad influence, J." He grins wider, practically vibrating with excitement. "I know, did you see how pissed he got?"

We watch Joe jog to the sideline, his face flushed with frustration. He's clearly pissed- his hands are balled into fists at his sides and he's speaking angrily to Coach. I sit there, watching him, my stomach in a tight knot. I rub my temples, ready for the game to end.

When it does, I should be excited- we won 40-26. Instead, I feel hollow. Josh is ecstatic- "What a damn game! I love football!" He slaps my back, grinning. "Did you see that hit Joe took? Dude's a tank!"

"Yeah," I mutter, taking my cheek between my teeth anxiously. I watch as they disappear into the tunnel, my mind screaming for me to find Joe and talk to him. I need to talk to him. "JJ, I'll be right back, I-"

His smile turns understanding. "I know. Go, Marren and I will wait for you." I squeeze his arm, leaning over to kiss his cheek. "Love you. I'll be back," I say, squeezing past the pair of cousins to jog down the stairs.

I weave my way past all the fans, disappearing into the tunnel. My heart beats against my ribcage harder with every step I take. I need answers- for good. This back-and-forth is draining. I know Joe told me we'd figure it out, but I don't think he meant it.

The sound of the crowd fades as I enter the back hall. My body is tight with nerves as my boots click against the floor. I finally spot him. His back is to me, his broad shoulders stiff as he walks down the hallway alone. I hesitate- but I can't afford to wait any longer. It's driving me crazy. He's driving me crazy. "Joe."

His body stiffens. He doesn't turn around immediately. When he does, his eyes narrow and the tension in his body is palpable. "What?" His voice is low and rough, but I swallow my fear and close the gap between us. "I want to know what the hell is wrong."

He looks away, his eyes settling on the wall behind me. "I don't have time for this, Talullah." I ball my fists up, the nerves turning into anger. "No," I snap, stepping closer. "You don't get to shut me out. You can't keep running from this."

There's a flash of anger in his eyes. Without warning, he grabs my arm, pulling me down the hallway with him. I stumble as he drags me towards a side door. His grip is firm, but not painful as he yanks it open and ushers me inside.

The door clicks shut behind us. The room is quiet besides the faint hum of the lights overhead and the tension that's been building between the two of us. We're across the room from each other, but I can still feel the heat between us. The space between us might as well not even exist.

He leans on the table, staring at the smooth surface. "I'm trying, okay?" I can't help it- my frustration bubbles to the surface. Before I can realize it, my words are pouring out sharp. "Trying? You're trying? Please, spare me, Joe."

He furrows his brows, curling his lip into a sneer as he looks up through his lashes. "Excuse me?" I slap my arms against my sides in frustration. "Are you really this fucking oblivious? How in the world is whatever you've been doing trying? Acting weird, again? After you told me you'd try, for us? Acting out on the field? Not only did you get a flag and take unnecessary risks, but you could've gotten hurt, Joe. You're lashing out. You want to pretend it's fine because you can't deal with it. Not to mention that you ignored my calls when I needed you," my voice softens at the end, the hurt bleeding into the anger.

Joe picks his head up, his eyes filled with an emotion I can't pick out. "Why do you care? It seems like you found your own company." I roll my eyes at his statement. "If you'd bother to have asked me, I could've told you he's my best friend. I haven't seen him since I left Arizona. I ran into him downtown the same night you couldn't be bothered to answer my calls."

He shakes his head, an angry laugh leaving his lips like a song. "Why would you need me when you obviously have him?" He spits, throwing his hand back towards the hall. "What? Are you serious?" I ask in disbelief. Joe nods once, his hands pressed into his hips, "Yeah. Tee told me how you were all over him in the pool. You think I didn't see you two together on the sidelines?"

I can't stop the sarcastic laugh that escapes my lips, "He's fucking gay, Joe!"

He shifts uncomfortably at the revelation, a small pink blush creeping up his neck and ears. His mouth tightens as his eyes flicker back to me, sharp and accusatory. "I don't care- you can't just go off with your little best friend and act like everything's fine."

My jaw drops. All of the things he's doing, and I'm the one acting like everything's fine? He's trying to push me further away. His words are sharp like knives, and they cut me in a way that feels like I've done something wrong.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I demand, my throat tightening. He turns away, facing the door as he breathes through his nose. "You're all over the place and I can't keep up. I don't know how you want me to try when you're so fucking distant."

I'm stunned into silence.

"You- You think I'm distant?" I finally manage, my voice trembling in disbelief. My fists are still balled at my sides, and they shake with an overwhelming amount of emotion.  "Do you think I don't care about you? You're the one who keeps pushing me away! You act like nothing that's happened between us matters, like you didn't tell me we were a work in progress."

I don't give him time to speak before I continue. "I needed you, Joe, and you weren't there, I had no one. So, when I miraculously ran into someone who was a constant in my life for 18 years, not to mention I haven't seen him in 6, forgive me for latching onto him."

The man winces at my words, like they hurt him, but his expression never softens. He knows that my admission has pushed him further into the corner he's already backed himself into. Instead, he lets out a bitter laugh. "You think I'm shutting you out? I'm trying to protect you!"

"Protect me?" I parrot his words. "From what? What could you possibly protect me from, Joe?"

"Why do you think I'm ignoring you?" he asked, his voice low and dangerous. "Because if I don't, everyone's going to know. They're going to see the way I look at you, and it's going to ruin everything."

I throw my head back, letting out an exasperated laugh. "You've got to be joking right now. Ruin what, Joe? What is it going to ruin?"

"You just don't get it, do you, Talullah?" he asks, breathless. I wipe my face, bracing myself to fight the tears that burn my eyes. "What, literally what, Joe?"

"You're not just some girl. I don't want them looking at you the way they look at me," he finally says, meeting my eyes. "I can't protect you from that. I can't protect you from what they'll do if they find out about us. I can't protect you from all of this. If I let this happen—if I let us happen, they're going to tear you apart."

"They already are!" I shout. This time, the tears win, and they fall down my cheeks in cold droplets. "Do you think shutting me out is making it easier? I'm here, alone, being fucking harassed. I figured you'd want to at least be by my side since you know what that's like, but I guess that's what I get for assuming."

Guilt flashes across his face. He bares his teeth, and he shakes his head in exasperation. "You think I don't know the things they're saying? You think I don't hear the things they call you?  You think it's easy for me to stand here and take it while everyone talks about you like you're some kind of fucking joke?" his voice wavers for a split second and he runs a hand through his hair. "I am trying. But you need to stop."

"Stop? Stop what?" I ask, I throw my hands out, desperate. Desperate to fix this, to end it, to leave. Whatever makes this hurt go away.

"Stop acting like I'm the fucking villain because I'm trying to protect you, and you just can't realize it," he says with a hopeless shrug. I press my hand against my mouth, letting out a shaky breath. "Protect me, Joe?"

He gives me a single nod, his face suddenly dull. "Protecting me? By letting everyone think I'm- I'm just some... pathetic slut, clinging to you or Ja'Marr or whoever the fuck else for attention?"

His face contorts with frustration and guilt. He doesn't respond. His silence only feels like a slap to the face, fueling my rage. The tears that fall are no longer ones of sadness but of anger.

I'm not just angry. I'm pissed.

"Shayla told me that I was enjoying the attention, and that it was awkward for her. I- I can't even go back there. I've been sleeping at Josh's Airbnb, so, I'm basically homeless. I needed you, Joe, and you weren't there. You still aren't here."

His breathing is ragged, his eyes tired. He stares at his cleats, frozen. "Do you think I don't feel guilty?" he manages, his voice hoarse. "I didn't ask for any of this shit." It stings. Bad. "I didn't either," I defend, hugging myself.

He tugs at the collar of his shirt as I beg for an answer. "Then why?" I finally ask, pressing my hands into the back of my neck. "Why weren't you there? If you care, why the hell are you letting me do this alone?"

He meets my eyes, the blue of his icy. "I wasn't there because I can't make it better. I can't stop it, and I can't protect you."

"I don't need you to!" I shout. What is he not understanding? He rubs his face with desperation, and I can tell we're both at our wits end. We're dancing in circles, neither one of us being able to understand each other's points of view.

"I don't know what you want from me," he says, slapping his palms against the table.

"I want you to care!" I say loudly, the words bursting out of me like a dam breaking.

Joe's eyes snapped to mine, something in them shifting. "You think I don't care?" he said, his voice scarily calm. I say nothing, watching him as he tilts his chin up toward the ceiling. "You think I don't care?" he repeats, his voice rising, pulling his face down to look at me. I look away, taking my lip between my teeth anxiously. I thought he did, really. But it just doesn't seem that way anymore.

With a few long strides, Joe is toe to toe with me. He grabs my chin firmly, forcing me to meet his eye. His other hand rests on the back of my neck, his thumb brushing against my hairline. It sends a shiver down my spine. "You think I don't care?" he growls. His voice is raw with an edge I've never heard before. His jaw is clenched so tightly that I can see the muscle twitch beneath his skin. I swallow, frozen. I've never seen him act like this before and I don't know how to respond. His breath is hot against my skin as he demands, "Answer me, Talullah."

My heart thumps in my chest, so hard that I'm afraid it'll break my ribs. All I can do is stare into his eyes, exhausted. As much as I want to, I just can't. "I-I-"

He huffs angrily, his grip on my face tightening so slightly, just to keep my focus on him. "I care more than you fucking think. I care more than I should. More than what's good for either of us," he says lowly, watching me so intently I swear he can see through me. His admission hangs between us, leaving me reeling.

His eyes flicker down to my mouth, just for a second, then back to my eyes. His thumb brushes against the skin beneath my jaw- a motion so deliberate that it sends goosebumps down my arms. "You drive me crazy, Tally. You think I don't see you, that I don't care? That I don't think about you? Every damn second," he mutters, his voice rough and frayed.

I part my lips, desperate to speak. To say something, anything. I can't, though. Any thought I have was thrown out by Joe's confession. It's like time is frozen between us as we stand together, my hands hanging by my side, Joe's holding me in place. I swallow, opening my mouth to finally speak. Neither of us wants to hear whatever pathetic words I manage to muster up- instead, Joe rolls his eyes and slams his mouth into mine.

happy birthday to my husband joe <3