CHAPTER THIRTY          not here, not now

"You're nothing but a distraction."

SHE'S LEANED OVER to press a deliberate and slow kiss against Joe's lips. For a moment, I can't move- I'm rooted in my spot with shock. But Joe does. He pushes her away sharply, his hands flat against her shoulders. His face is twisted up in disgust- he wipes a hand over his mouth before angrily speaking. I can see the pure anger in his eyes as Josh and Marren watch from the other end of the table, their jaws slack in shock.

I blink, shaking the haze off before nodding politely to Mr. Doebler a final time and quickly making my way over to the table. My heart is pounding in my chest, each step I take is heavier than the last. My thoughts are a jumbled mess- why would Shayla ever do that? I knew she had a sudden change of heart and hated me, but kissing Joe?

Her face is smug when I reach them, her posture taunting in her champagne-colored ball gown. "Well, well, Lua," she taunts sweetly, but there's a venom in her voice that makes my stomach turn.

I blink, forcing myself to stay composed. The slight tilt of her head and the faux innocence are driving me insane, though. "What is wrong with you, Shayla?"

"Why do you care so much about Joey? It's not like you two... are dating..." Her lips curl into a smug smirk, her eyes narrow as she leans in. "You can't have it all, Talullah. Give it up."

I curl my face up in confusion. "What the hell are you talking about? You sound... crazy, Shayla!"

She flicks her hair back, clearly enjoying the mess she's created. "You think you have everyone wrapped around your finger. Simons, Joe, Ja'Marr, the media. But in reality, you're nothing but the daughter of a guy who was good at baseball who slept her way into the spotlight."

Her words are sharp; a dagger dipped in poison. They hurt. More than I'd like to admit. Tears prick my eyes, and it only satisfies her. I swallow hard. Shayla's eyes gleam with a cruel satisfaction like she's savoring the pain she's caused. "You're a fraud. Joe doesn't need or want you. You're nothing but a distraction."

My breath hitches- a distraction. The same thing Joe told me, what feels like a lightyear ago. I just stare at her, unable to even compute a sentence to defend myself. The worst part? I can see the tiny flicker of doubt in her eyes.

I feel a presence behind me and without turning, I know it's Josh. His footsteps are loud as he approaches. Before I can register it, his voice slices through the tension like a knife. "Shut the fuck up, Shayla." His tone is colder than I've ever heard before. I wonder if he's going to let her have it- before he can move, Marren has joined him, her calm demeanor replaced with a cold fury. "Do you get off on making people as miserable as you are?"

Shayla doesn't flinch; if anything, she likes that they've joined the scene. More ammo, more war. She steps closer to Josh. "Look at you, coming to the rescue. You're just another one of the guys Lua's gonna use to get to the top. And honestly, Marren," Shayla sneers, turning to the girl. "You can't even get Ja'Marr to look your way. Everyone can see that he's not into you, so give up."

Josh and Marren sigh in sync, before groaning, "I'm gay!" They share a repressed smile before they turn back to Shayla, the amusement wiping off their faces as quickly as it appeared.

"You're so delusional and so far out of line, you wouldn't even know where to start. You're just mad that you've been working for the Bengals for however long of your sad, lonely life and don't have as much as half of the popularity Talullah does. You're boring. You're mean." I raise my brows at his outburst, but he doesn't stop here. "And I'm so sorry that Ja'Marr doesn't want you, but if I were straight I wouldn't either, to be honest. You're pathetic and insecure and that's why no one likes you." Josh is fuming and I haven't seen him this mad since Allie McAllister tried to sabotage my spot as captain of the cheer squad.

A deep silence settles between us before a look of defeat wipes over Shayla's freckled features. She takes a final step closer, leaning in as if she's daring me to do something. "You're no better than anyone here, Talullah. You're nothing."

We're all frozen in our spots, dazed. My shoulders are slumped in shock and hurt- Shayla takes a final, nervous glance around the group before lifting the train of her dress and dashing away.  My own heart races and my nails dig into my palms as I glance at everyone; three pairs of eyes are trained on the ground with an uncomfortable thickness in the air.

I look up at Joe; his chest heaves at an uneven pace and his hands are clenched so hard by his sides that they're shaking. His face is pale as I reach out to him. "Joe?"

He flinches at my touch, quickly looking away. "I'm fine," he mutters, his voice strained. I step closer, my brows knitting together in concern. I try to keep my voice steady, "Joe."

He shakes his head, swallowing. "No," he doesn't look at me as he speaks. "I can't. Not here."

"Yeah," I nod, retracting my touch. "Yeah, of course." I step back, looking between Josh and Marren. Marren gives a small nod, her eyes soft as she glances between Joe and I. My hand hovers near his arm as we exit the ballroom. Joe's steps are quick and his muscles wound tightly as I lead us through the suffocating atmosphere, the only sound between us being my heels clicking against the floor.

When we finally retreat into the corner of the courtyard, the chilly night air hits us like a relief. Even then, Joe doesn't relax. He steps away from me almost immediately. His breathing is shallow and fast as he leans against the stone wall, his hands gripped into fists. I stand a few feet away, unsure of what to say or do; I don't know if he needs me.

"Joe," I call softly. He squeezes his eyes shut as I continue, "Hey, talk to me. What's going on?"

"I just... I can't, like... breathe?" he says it like he's unsure of his answer. His voice cracks as he speaks, "I don't know what's going on, I can't- I can't stop it."

My heart squeezes at his words. I take another step closer, hesitantly, "Joe, look at me." He flinches, his entire body tensing like he's scared of my touch.

"Joe." He doesn't say anything at first. Then, the single word hits him like a punch and his entire body goes slack. His rapid breath catches, and his eyes snap open; they're frantic and watery, and his hand twitches toward me, like he wants to reach out. I offer him my hand- he stares at it, a single tear escaping and dripping down his cheek. Joe pushes it aside, leaning down and burying his face into the crook of my neck. His arms are wrapped tightly around me and I can't help but think of how small he looks right now- his 6'4 frame leaned over, tucked into me as I tried my best to wrap my arms around him comfortingly.

His body shakes as he silently sobs against me, his hands gripping the fabric of my dress tightly. I hold him tighter, feeling the tremors rip through his body. All the control he had over his emotions crumbled away and there's nothing either of us can do to stop it. I could've never prepared myself to see Joe in this state; so vulnerable and emotional, overwhelmed by something he can't control.

His arms are like iron around me- it's not an embrace, it's a desperate clutch for stability like I'm the only thing keeping him together. I run my hand up and down his back. My mind is racing as I desperately search for something to say to ease the pain I can almost feel radiating off him, "You don't have to hold it in."

His chest rises and falls sharply against me, and there's a long pause before he speaks again. When he does, his words are ragged and slow. "I- I froze." He pulls back just enough for me to see the panic that still clouds his eyes. Even in this light, he was still the most beautiful I'd ever seen. Baby blue eyes glass with unshed tears, so far different from their usual steady and sure gaze. His nose is flushed pink- either from the cold or the sadness dripping from his eyes- and soft lips that tremble as if they can't hold themselves together. The vulnerability in his expression makes my own self hurt; it's like seeing the little boy he used to be rather than the man he is today.

His voice shakes as he stutters, "She- She kissed me and I was just so angry that- that I froze. She talked to you like that and I didn't even defend you. I was so angry, but I just... stood there."

My heart softens at his confession- his words hang in the air, cutting the tension. I run my hands over his shoulders and down his arms, taking his holding hands in mine. He stares down at them as I speak, "Joe, stop." My voice is soft, hurt by how hard he's being on himself.

"No, I should've done something-"

I stop him by taking his face in my hands. "Joe. Why are you being so hard on yourself?" I rub my thumb over his cheek, the hard stubble of a few days old shave pricking my fingertip. He shakes his head, "I'm sorry." His eyes are squeezed shut tightly. "I'm sorry, Tally." His voice is so small, and so unlike the Joe I'm used to knowing. "I should've done something."

My own heart lurches. "Look at me," I say firmly without lacking the warmth I know he needs right now. He reluctantly meets my eyes- his are glistening with tears, and I can see the battle of wanting to stay locked up in his own emotions fighting with the urge to let go. "There is nothing to be sorry for, okay? Don't ever apologize for the way you're feeling. You're allowed to feel. But this is not your fault and I don't want you to think that it is. You did absolutely nothing wrong, Joe."

My heart pounds as I await his reaction. I can almost see his reaction- he exhales a shaky breath as the fight drains from his body. His gaze is full of surrender; a realization, almost, that maybe, just maybe he can let it go and listen.

Before either of us can speak, he closes the space between us, his lips finding mine in a kiss that's both desperate and gentle all at once. There's an urgent intensity to it, like he's trying to pour everything he's been bottling up into this single moment. His lips are soft against mine, but there's a hunger in his touch that makes it hard to breathe. I pull away, breathless. "Joe," I murmur, my hands resting on his chest, "Someone might see us."

The fierceness in his eyes takes me by surprise. "I don't care."

His voice is steady and dark. "Just... please, Tally. Not now." My heart is pounding, but the desperation in his pleases and his gaze is so raw and desperate that I can't bring myself to deny him of this. I nod, "Okay."

Joe's gaze softens, the tension melting from his posture as his hand slides up my cheek, brushing his thumb along the curve of my jaw. This kiss is a stark contrast to the one just moments ago; slower, softer, and filled with something deep.

He rests his forehead against mine when we pull away. His breath is still uneven and there are tear tracks down his cheeks. He looks fragile in a way that squeezes my heart and makes my chest tighten. I can still feel the slight tremor in his hands as they trace the inside of my elbow slowly, seeking reassurance that I'm still here. "I can't believe she did that," Joe whispers, his voice cracking again. "I should've stopped her-"

"Hey, hey," I cut him off, my brows furrowed. "Stop it, Joe. You can't control what others say or do. She chose to do that." He shrugs small, his lips tugging down into a frown. He reaches up to push one of my curls back, his eyes soft. "I don't wanna mess this up."

My heart is aching at this point. "You're not messing anything up, J. It just happens," I say, raising my eyebrow in seriousness. "It's just us. Whatever happens, happens. It's okay, we're okay."

He takes a second to crack a tiny smile. "J?"

I can't help but smile myself. "Felt appropriate for the situation." The sobering scene takes our grins away, and Joe is the first to speak. "I don't wanna lose you, Talullah."

I speak slowly to make sure he's really hearing me, letting my fingers trace over his cheek as I speak. "You're not going to. You don't have to be perfect. I don't need that. I don't want that. I just want you. Just Joe."

I feel something shift between us as his chest rises and falls in a slow, measured breath as he sits in my words. He meets my gaze once again, his eyes clear but soft. "Just me."