CHAPTER FOURTY-EIGHT          not without him

"Ain't no resting tonight, guys! We're the AFC Conference Champs!"

THE ENERGY IN ARROWHEAD STADIUM was electric- buzzing like a live wire. Watching the Joe and his team face off against the Chiefs in the Conference Championship made me feel more alive than I had in weeks. My chest swells with pride and excitement as they take the field in white-on-white uniforms, orange helmets gleaming in the afternoon sun.

As much as I liked my new job, I missed being on the sidelines. So close to it all- locker room interviews and the quick, sweaty sideline moments. The adrenaline, noise, and the heat of it all was intoxicating.

Of course I was here for work. I had managed to work some magic, getting permission for Josh and I to roam the sidelines rather than be stuck in the press box. I ensured I'd get some shoots in the first half that would capture the tension of the game. Marren was already working behind the camera, capturing the moments that made the crowd roar.

Josh found me within a few minutes, handing me a lapel microphone with a grin. "Got your mic'd up sesh with Ja'Marr when he gets off the field."

I take him from him with a wide grin, turning back to the field. "Thanks, Josh. This is gonna be fun."

It was- the deafening roar of the crowd, clack of cleats against turf, and the crackle of the stadium speakers all blended into a seamless soundtrack that made my nerves stand on edge in a delicious way.

Josh and were in a tandem- moving past one another to capture the electric tension in the air. The Chiefs' offense was stronger than our defense. Mahomes was playing like a man on a mission, but Joe wasn't. At least, not at first.

My eyes tracked his every movement. The way his jaw clenched, the way his eyes darted to the sideline between plays, like he was five steps ahead of his mind. But he was still off.

I couldn't push away the knot in my stomach. The tension in his shoulders that hasn't left in weeks. The tightness in his movements that looked almost painful.

But then it happened- a sack, where the pocket collapsed before he had time to escape. The stadium erupted when he slammed into the ground, and I could feel the air leave my lungs.

Joe didn't get up right away.

I didn't even realize I was gripping Josh's hand until he muttered, "Damn, Tally, you're cutting off my circulation."

I felt like I was going to throw up.

I watch, frozen, as trainers rush the field as he lays unmoving. When he finally sits up, he shakes his head, pushing their hands away when they try to help him stand. He's slow to get up- Coach Zac walks toward them as they lead Joe to the medical tent.

"He's fine," Josh mutters, even though I can see the concern in his eyes.

I don't think either one of us were convinced.

When the offense finally come off the field, I rush toward Ja'Marr, who was pulling his helmet ooff, sweat dripping down his forehead. "Hey, you got a sec?"

He glances toward me, flashing a grin despite the exhaustion in his eyes. "For you, anytime. This an interview?"

"Kinda, but I also need a favor," I admit, fidgeting with the small device in my fingers. "I need you to talk to Joe."

He lets me clip the mic to his jersey. "Something's wrong," I keep my voice low. "He's... been different. I know you see it too."

The man sighs, running a hand over his face. "He definitely ain't himself. He's overthinking everything."

"Can you talk to him?" I ask hopefully, trying to keep the fear out of my voice. "I don't think I'm the person he wants to hear from right now."

Ja'Marr studies me for a second- "I'll see what I can do." He nods, taking a water bottle from the bench. "Thanks. And hey, you're doing great out there, keep it up," I give him a friendly tap on his shoulder before taking my spot net to Josh.

Joe comes back out once the possession changes. He wasn't the same Joe that I saw just moments ago- he's angry.

It's in the way he carried himself. Stalked back to the field like a predator, like a man ready to burn the entire world to the ground. He throws sharp- almost reckless. Playing with an edge that I'd never seen before, maybe only half of what it was now. It was getting him in trouble.

A flag for intentional grounding.

Another for unnecessary roughness, when he lowers his shoulder into a defender after a scramble.

Joe hardly ever got penalties- it was rare. That just wasn't his game. But here he is- getting flagged like he didn't care.

I wanted to scream.

Despite it all- he won.

They won the game.

The whistle blew and the Bengals are in the Super Bowl. Fans in orange and black lose their minds. I find myself laughing, jumping, throwing myself into Josh while he yelled something I couldn't hear.

Joe did it. He managed to pull it off.

I let Josh go, turning to look at the celebrating team. Joe stands in the middle of everyone, swallowed by the chaos of his teammates jumping, screaming, hugging, and slapping each other on the back.

I shove past a few media people, weaving through the crowd until I see the number nine on his jersey. My heart pounds, and I'm grinning so widely that my face hurts. The second he's within reach, I threw may arms around him.

"Joe!" I gasp, burying my face in his shoulder. "You did it, I'm so proud of you, J!"

His arms wrap around me, holding me tight, but he doesn't say anything. He doesn't pick me up, or kiss me, or even smile. His expression is flat, almost blank, except for the heavy exhale that leaves his lips.

I pull back enough to cup his face. "Hey, you okay?"

Joe nods once. "Yeah." His voice is rough, like he'd been screaming all night. "Just relieved."

Relieved.

Not happy.

Not proud.

Just relieved.

Before I can dwell on the heaviness in my chest, Ja'Marr comes flying toward us, out of nowhere, shoving Joe in the shoulder. "Man, we goin' out! You and Lua gotta come." He turns to me, buzzing with a contagious energy. "No excuses- we celebrating tonight."

Ja'Marr whoops, already moving to grab more teammates when someone crashes into me from behind. "Tally, they did it!"

Josh and Marren stand behind me, sharing that same grin. Marren lifts her camera to take a picture of the scoreboard when without hesitation, Ja'Marr leans down and kisses her.

Right on the mouth.

My jaw drops. Josh's draw drops. Joe's eyes widen in surprise.

Marren blinks, her lips parted in shock. "Ja'Marr-"

"I thought you were a lesbian," Josh sputters, glancing between the pair quickly. Ja'Marr laughs, slinging his arm around her. The woman shrugs, lips curling into a smile. "I am. Or was. But, y'know."

Ja'Marr looks smug as hell as she continues rambling. "I still like women. Like, I don't really like guys, but Ja'Marr is just different. I don't know how to explain it, he-"

"Hey, Mare," I cut her off, reaching out to squeeze her arm. "You don't have to explain yourself to us." Her cheeks are dusted pink as she shrugs again, leaning into the wide receiver. "I do wanna know when this happened, though."

"Man, it's been happening! Yall just never realized!" Ja'Marr grins.

Josh looks between the two, the shock in his brow never leaving. "I feel like I just witnessed history."

Marren rolls her eyes, even though she's still grinning. "Relax, it's not that deep."

Joe chuckles beside me, a real one this time that makes my heart ache a little. It's the first genuine moment of lightness I'd gotten from him all night.

Ja'Marr nudges him. "C'mon, bro, you gotta come out with us. No excuses, man."

I look up at Joe, trying to gauge his reaction. He meets Ja'Marr's gaze, forcing a smile.  "Yeah. Okay."

We eventually all make our way to celebrate. A blur of loud music, celebratory shots that burn all the way down, and Ja'Marr dancing on top of a booth while Josh records. The team, their families, and half of Cincinnati seem to have taken over the bar.

Ja'Marr is holding court at the center, an arm slung around both Marren and Tee, grinning like a king. Josh has somehow ended up in a heated debated with Sam and a random Chiefs fan about defensive schemes. Joe is here, only because he's forcing himself to be. He smilies when he needs to, raises a glass when someone toasts, but I can see it in his eyes.

I let myself enjoy the night for the both of us.

Marren and end up dancing together, tipsy and giggling. Ja'Marr forces Joe into it- his hands find me was it briefly, his touch familiar and relaxing, even if the moment is gone too fast.

It's a good night. Sam offers to buy me a drink and I take it as an indirect apology. Andrei is even tolerable, pulling us back onto the dance floor as soon as we get comfortable at a booth with a wide grin. "Ain't no resting tonight, guys! We're the AFC Conference Champs!"

I drink too much, I dance too much, I yell too much, until my cheeks burn, my feet ache and my voice is gone. It's a good night. It's a needed one.

By the time we get back to the hotel, my head is swimming in that warm, pleasant way that comes after a night of drinking. I pull Josh and Marren into quick cheek kisses, giggling my way down the hall to my own room.

Joe watches me with that small, tired smile of his, one hand in his pocket as he leans against the doorframe. "Go get some sleep, Tally."

I step up to him, standing on my toes to press a soft kiss to his mouth. "I will. I love you, Joe. I'm so proud of you, baby."

He pulls his lips back into a side smile, a real one, that makes my heart swell. "I love you too, Tuls. Goodnight."

"Night." I step back into my room, flicking my fingers in a small wave before the door closes, shielding him from my view.

I sink into a steaming hot bath. It's exactly what I need- the heat loosens my muscles, letting the tension melt out. My thoughts float, drifting between the win and the conversation I know I need to have with Joe that's been itching in the back of my mind.

I don't want to fight, or cry, or yell. I don't want to be angry or upset. I just want to tell him the truth.

That I miss the old us, that it's both of our faults. Not for everything, but our own reactions and not being able to cope and handle it all. I trace patters into the water, exhaling slowly. I'll tell him everything tomorrow, or maybe the day after, after we've had time to relax and readjust.

I'll tell him how I feel. How I miss him, myself, us. How I know something's wrong, and that he doesn't have to carry it alone. And I'll tell him about the Raiders offer.

My stomach twists at the thought of the email.

I could go. I could take the offer, move on with my life the way I had always planned. I never wanted to give up cheering, anyways, and I never planned on settling in Ohio.

But I don't want to.

Not without him, even if it means giving up my dream.

I close my eyes, sinking further into the water as the decision settles into my bones.

I'll tell him tomorrow.

I'm staying.