CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR the things we hide

"You're... everything, Tally."

I NEVER THOUGHT I'd be sneaking around like a teenager again, but here I am. Stealing kisses from Joe in the back hallways of the stadium, sneaking out of his hotel room at away games, hiding under my blankets in the late hours of the night texting him. 

It started innocently enough. A lingering look during interviews, a brush against his neck when I'd be clipping his microphone on. As the weeks went on, it became more; subtly more, but more. We were careful- at first.

We weren't ashamed of what we were doing. We just didn't want everyone to know- Joe was too private and my reputation had been run through the mud enough, the last thing either of us wanted- or needed- was headlines telling us we were doing something wrong when all we wanted was to be close to one another.

But that's the thing about secrets, isn't it? They don't stay secrets for long.

It started as a quick kiss in the parking lot. Joe had just gotten off practice and I was heading to my car when I felt his hand on my arm. "Tally."

His voice was soft and velvety, wrapping me in a dark blanket. He pulled me into my car, his eyes locked onto mine. "I don't know how much longer I can do this."

Before I could even ask what he was talking about, his lips were on mine, urgent and needy. I melted into him- it was just us, hidden away, and I never wanted it to end. Joe pulled away, glancing around as if the ground could hear us. "We shouldn't do this," he mumbled, seemingly trying to convince himself rather than me. "Yeah, I know."

But the next time I saw him, after a game, in the middle of a sea of fans and reporters, he was there again, that same hungry look in his eyes. When he was finally done, we found each other in some back hallway. There were no words- just his lips on mine, pressing harder, trying to make up for every second we spent pretending there was nothing between us.

"Joe," I whispered when he finally pulled away, trying to catch our breaths. "We can't keep doing this." He cupped my face in his hands, pulling my face closer to his until our noses brushed. "I know." He kissed me again.

It wasn't just at games and practice, though. Josh pretended not to notice when I'd come home in the middle of the day, smelling of the same cologne and wearing shirts that weren't mine. I'd hide under my blankets, whispering to Joe during late-night Face-Time calls, as if the entire world could hear me if I spoke too loudly.

There was something intoxicating, addicting, almost, to the fact that we couldn't be together in the way we wanted. It made everything we share feel even more valuable.

The longer it went on, the harder it became to hide. We were becoming lazy, sloppy, even, and were beginning to slip through the cracks. Sooner or later, someone was going to catch us.

The first time it happened was after a game- we had just won and the energy on the field was buzzing. Everyone was laughing, cheering, celebrating, but all I could focus on was Joe.

My heart was racing as I snuck into the locker room- there he stood, tugging on his hoodie. "Hey," I spoke lowly, trying to sound casual as I approached him.

His eyes softened when he saw me. "Hey, you're here already?"

I nodded, glancing around to check that we were alone. "Yeah, I just couldn't wait to see you."  I kissed him, quick at first, but it became more urgent as the seconds stretched on. His hands found my hips, pulling me closer as his mouth moved against mine. There was only us- Joe and I, in our own little bubble.

He glanced nervously over my shoulder when we pulled away. "Someone might see us, Tally."

"I don't care," I finally sighed. "I just want to be with you."

Joe smiled, a mixture of hesitation and admiration. "I don't want you to get hurt." I reached up to touch his cheek. "I won't. I just... I just need to know that we're real. That you're not doing this because you feel like you have to."

He shook his head, his hands moving up to hold my face between his hands. "You're... everything, Tally."

His words hung in the air between us, seemingly shocked by his admission. Before either one of us could speak, the locker room door opened. We quickly separated- the look we shared was enough. No one needed to know what had just happened between us.

Over the next month, our secret meetings were habit. We'd slip away to make out in a quiet corner of the stadium, or giggle as we'd sneak each other out of our hotel rooms on late nights before gameday. There was something so exhilarating about it- about only us knowing the truth. It felt... powerful, in a way.

The more we snuck around, the more I realized was falling deeper than I meant to. It wasn't just a physical thing anymore- I was falling, and I was falling hard and fast.

I knew that if I kept pretending this was just a fling, I was going to lose myself in the process.

So one night, after a late game and a rushed hookup at his place, we found ourselves sitting on his couch, my head in his lap. "I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this," I finally admitted. Joe sighed, running his long fingers through my tangled hair. "I know. It feels... unfair."

"What are we doing, Joe?" I asked, sitting up from his lap. "We can't keep... pretending forever." His eyes darked, "I don't wanna pretend anymore."

We both knew. As much as we wanted to, we couldn't. Not yet.

"Go home and rest," Joe said softly, pressing a quick kiss to my lips. "I'll call you later."

Josh and I lay sprawled on the couch, our hands fighting over the last few pieces of popcorn in the bowl as the muted sounds of some random Netflix movie filled the silence. The space between us was comfortable and familiar; we sat in a silence that we both understood, neither of us minding.

"You good?" Josh asked without looking up from his phone, his lips curling into a knowing smile. "Yeah," I sigh, trying to sound casual. "Just... tired."

Josh raises an eyebrow, clearly not buying it. "Tired. Yeah, I'm sure you are, all that sneaking around has to be exhausting."

My cheeks heat as I quickly pick up my phone to distract myself. The last thing I wanted to do was confirm Josh's accusations. If he knew, the last thing I wanted was to know that he knew.

My phone screen lit up with a text from the same guy that was making me do all this sneaking- Hey, dress nice tonight. I'm taking you out. I'm picking you up, so be ready by 7. Don't make me wait, Talullah.

My heart suddenly pounds in my chest, and it's hard to suppress the smile that tugs at the corner of my lips. My fingers hover over the screen as I try to come up with a response.

Josh watches closely, his expression morphing into something cheeky. "Oh, is that the other culprit? Or is he just guilty by association?"

I shrug, the whole trying-to-play-it-cool thing being nearly impossible when I can't stop smiling. "It's just Joe. He wants to take me out tonight."

Josh stands up, stretching with a dramatic yawn. "Alright, well, come on." I raise my eyebrow, turning the TV off. "What are you talking about?"

He gives me a knowing look, leaning over to grab my wrist. His eyes are soft with affection as he says, "Let me do your hair, like we used to."

My heart softens at the memory- Josh could always curl my hair for me while I'd do my makeup for gamedays in high school. When I left for college, I never learned how to use a curling iron. Instead, I'd sleep awkwardly with a headful of curlers, worried they'd fall out during the night.

"Yeah... okay."

We race to the bathroom, where Josh pulls the old, black curling iron from under the sink. "You kept it?" I ask with a gasp. This thing was so old, I'm not sure if it'll even work.

"Old reliable," Josh teases, plugging it in. I drag a still from the island to the bathroom, angling it in front of the mirror. We both begin working- Josh's hands were gentle as he worked through my hair, the sound of the curling irons soft clicks and my hand rummaging through my makeup bag filling the silence between us.

I'm brushing the rose-colored blush onto my cheeks as I glance at Josh through the mirror. The sight of his face- his brow furrowed in concentration and his eyes overflowing with warmth- made something tight inside me loosen. He met my eyes, and his hands paused.

He sets the hot tool on the counter, sighing. Josh places his hands on my shoulder, pressing his cheek against mine. We watch ourselves in the mirror- "I'm just... so happy for you, Tally."

I turn to look at him- he'd been there through every high and low that I allowed him to. Here he was, picking up the pieces that he wasn't even around to see break. "You deserve someone who sees you for who you really are. I know Joe makes you happy, even if you two have to keep sneaking around." Tears welt up in my eyes and I quickly blink them away- not to hide anything from Josh, because he's seen it all already. I just didn't want to mess up my makeup or even chip away at the dam holding the floodgates of emotion back.

His hands remain on my shoulders at he speaks. "You deserve this so much." I suck in a shaky breath as I turn on the stool to face him. His expression was so full of emotion that it was making it harder to not cry. Josh brings his hands up to cup my face. "You've got nothing to prove, Tuls. You're perfect, and if Joe doesn't see that, he's an idiot."

A sneaky tear trickles down my cheek. Josh catches it with his thumb, wiping it on his shirt. He pulls me into a tight hug. held onto him, my breaths coming in shaky bursts as I try to calm down. His words weigh heavy- I didn't realize how badly I needed this, needed him. How much I needed to be reminded that I wasn't alone anymore.

Josh pulled back, brushing the framing pieces of my hair back. He lets out a soft laugh- but his eyes were glassy. "Let's finish getting you ready."

We turn on one of my playlists as we finish dolling me up. SZA played through the Bluetooth speaker as I finished painting my lips a cool, cherry red. "Okay, flip and shake," Josh directed, clicking the tool off. I lean my head over, shaking my curls out.

"Okay, let me spray you real fast, it's almost 7!" Josh says excitedly, covering my forehead with his hand to spray me with the sticky spray. He sighs, shoving me out the bathroom and into my room, "Hurry, put your dress on!"

I pick up the dress Josh chose- navy blue, satin, with an open back. I carefully put it on, avoiding messing up my makeup or hair. I step into a pair of nude heels I dug out from my closet- something I only bought for a banquet back in college. I put in a random pair of diamond stud earrings and a tennis bracelet I got myself as a college graduation present. My heart beats wildly in my chest as I glance at the clock- 6:59.

My heels click against the floor as I walk back into the bathroom. Josh sat on the closed toilet, scrolling through Instagram. He looks up- "Wow. Wow, you're gorgeous, Tuls." I press my lips into an upside-down smile, reaching out for a hug. "I love you, JJ." There's a soft knock at the door and I swear my heart falls into my stomach. Josh's eyes light up. "And I love you, Tuls. But I think that's for you."

My legs were shaky as I approached the door. I took a second to adjust my dress, smooth my hair, and take a deep breath. When I finally open the door, the sight of Joe holding a bouquet of flowers takes my breath away.

"Hi," he breathes, his eyes soft. "Hi," I say back softly, leaning against the door. He's wearing a black blazer and slacks with a white dress shirt underneath, the top button casually undone. A silver watch catches my eye from under his sleeve- it's like he's just meant to look this good. He steps in the door with an air of confidence; he runs a hand through his hair, leaving it looking the perfect amount of styled and tousled. "You look... beautiful, Talullah."

Before I can say anything else, I notice the can of Red Bull in his hand. "What-"

"Oh, sweet!" Josh yells, opening his hands for Joe to toss it. When he catches it, he cracks it open- it sprays all over him and the floor. "Oh, JJ, seriously?"

He wipes his face with his shirt, setting the can down on the counter. "I swear I'll clean it. I'll take these," he steps forward to take the bundle of pink peonies from Joe's hand. "You two just go and have fun," Josh ushers us out the door, blowing a kiss.

"Bye love birds!"