I am back :)

I really prefer active readers so just comment down your thoughts on any part of this chapter. I really enjoy reading them! :)

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( fourteen. left behind )

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The silence on the quinjet was excruciating.

Neither of the two friends uttered a word since the jet took off because nothing more could be said about how messed up everything is. Both were torn, and Bucky was feeling an immense sense of guilt because he knew he's basically destroying Steve's newfound life here, and he knew he's costing him his loyal friends.

Steve saved him, but now, who's going to save him? Now that he lost everything, and it's all because of him. 

And he still had the nerve to call himself Steve's best friend?

Yeah, this is worse than hell.

"What's gonna happen to your friends?" Bucky suddenly asked, his tone hoarse, quiet, and full of guilt.

Steve exhaled a long breath, also feeling the pang of guilt weighing down on him when he realized what will happen. "Whatever it is," he swallowed thickly, "I'll deal with it."

"I don't know if I'm worth all this, Steve."

"What you did all those years, that wasn't you. You had no choice."

"I know," Bucky said defeatedly, lifting his gaze to him, "but I did it."

Steve didn't know how to respond to that. No words of assurance nor denial to counter what Bucky said when his words were nothing but the painful truth itself.

There was another long pause before Bucky spoke again, in a voice barely above a whisper. He hesitated asking because it was both a sore subject for him and Steve, but he needed to know. He wanted to know. "What about Natalia?"

Steve's response was instantaneously. Almost like a reflex. "Natasha," he corrected, and he didn't mean to sound defensive or rude, but it's as if he's reminded of the problems sprouting from the root of these damn accords up to this whole thing with him and Natasha. "What about her?"

If Steve saw the way Bucky flinched, he didn't show any sign that he did. Both knew why, because, as cheesy as it sounds, Natasha had carved herself a piece of her own space in both of these men's hearts. Even if it wasn't intentionally, it was all because of fate.

Natasha was fated to be a part of their lives, and now, it all comes down to the hardest part— when past collides with present and entangles itself in it as well.

Witnessing what had happened earlier on the hangar, it was pretty much clear to him that whatever was going on with Steve and her, it was more than just a relationship. It was something deeper, more complex, and destructively beautiful and powerful.

"Natasha," Bucky repeated, ignoring the sharp edge in Steve's tone because he kind of expected it. He just chose to take a risk in asking such a thing. "After this, what's gonna happen?"

Steve immediately understood what he meant. After this, was there any hope for them to start over? Especially when all they're left with are broken trust and divided friendships? Because this is more than just a matter of love. Love isn't enough to conquer all of this when it's all one big, giant mess.

"I don't know, Buck." Steve sighed, sounding all lost and hopeless. "I really don't."

Steve took out a compass in his pocket, flipping it open to reveal the same, old, rusty compass that he had seventy years ago; the same compass he was staring at before he went down in the ice; and the same compass that had the picture of the woman he once loved and still does. No matter how shitty everything became, it didn't change a fraction of what he felt for her.

It's Natasha. 

And it will always be Natasha.

"I'm sorry." Bucky suddenly said, making Steve turn his head back to look at him, quite surprised and confused. "I'm sorry for getting in all of this."

Steve shook his head weakly, "You shouldn't be sorry for what you feel," he said, brushing his thumb over Natasha's faded picture.

"Felt." Bucky emphasized, accepting the fact that whatever he and Natasha had in the past, it was all over now. 

Because he'd seen it himself.

He'd seen how much it hurt her when she aimed her weapons at them, when Steve kissed her and slipped away from her grasp right after. Even from a distance, even with all the walls Natasha had put up for herself, when it came to Steve, she becomes defenseless. Even with his fucked up memory, Bucky was certain whatever they had could never come close to what she and Steve has now.

Besides, Natasha had never looked at him the way she did with Steve. 

Even with Steve being the bumbling, clueless, righteous idiot that he is, he's worth a lot more to Natasha than what he knows or realizes.

"Are you mad at me?" Bucky suddenly asked, wanting to kick himself for sounding like a child after that question.

Nevertheless, Steve didn't seem to find his question silly. "No, why would I be?" Bucky gave him a look, raising his eyebrow. Steve almost rolled his eyes, turning his attention back in front. "I'm not."

"Why?" Bucky pressed.

Steve inhaled a sharp breath. "Because I have no right to be. Whatever happened between you and Nat happened way before we met, and besides, you didn't know then." Even if the feelings were real, he added in an afterthought. Sure, there was some jealousy at first. It was probably because of the bitter fact that he finally found the perfect woman, the right partner, only to find out that Bucky had gotten to her first.

But then he realized it was more than just these petty thoughts. No, it's more about being lied to by the person he trusted the most.

"So, what makes the situation with her any different?" Bucky asked.

"Buck, stop." Steve warned, not wanting to talk about this now when they're undercover in a quinjet, and on their way to stop another breed of super soldiers. This is not the right time and place.

Bucky noticed his curt tone and decided to tone it down a bit, but he didn't drop it. He needed to smack some sense into his best friend before it was too late. "Sorry," Bucky sighed, "I just don't want you to end up regretting what you're doing right now."

Finally, Steve caved in, clutching the compass in with his fingers tighter. "If you'd remembered sooner... would you have told me?"

Without a trace of hesitation, Bucky replied, "You know I would."

"That's the difference." Steve let out a heavy breath, suddenly finding the compass in his hands heavier than before. "I trusted her, Buck. She knew I was searching for you, she had every chance to tell me when we started dating. We agreed that there were no more secrets but—" he swallowed the lump in his throat, "she still didn't trust me enough."

"And you're still thinking she doesn't trust you till now?" Bucky asked, baffled. When Steve answered with silence, Bucky huffed out a breath. "Steve, she turned against her friends. She turned on Stark just to let us go. Don't tell me you're dumb enough to not know what that means."

Steve rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I know, I know. I'm sorry... I just... I know I love her, but I don't know what do with that right now."

"Steve," Bucky sighed, speaking softer. "Natalia... Natasha... she chose you. She loves you, alright?"

"I know." Steve answered honestly, a lost look reflecting his former, bright blue eyes. "I just don't see how we could start trusting each other again."

Bucky smiled sadly. "Come on, you two are Captain Rogers and Agent Klein, Steven Grant Rogers and Natalia Romanov, Captain America and Black Widow. I don't know, Steve, but if there's one thing I'd learned from this crazy shit world, it's that things happen for a goddamn reason. Even if I have no clue what that is, I just know there is."

He lets out a small laugh, almost as if he couldn't believe it himself. "It's crazy really," Bucky continued. "It's like no matter what time you guys end up in, you still find your way to each other somehow, like those soulmates shit we used to talk about, remember?"

For the first time in a while, Steve's lips twitched upwards, almost enough to see a hint of a feeble smile. "Yeah, I remember."

"You'll see her again, Steve." Bucky's words were assurance of a promise, and even if it was close to the impossible, Steve wanted to believe him. So, it's what he did.

Steve nodded, taking a last glance at Natasha's picture in his compass before shutting it close. 

I have to, he thought, whatever it takes.

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Natasha didn't know what to think when her eyes fluttered open, the first thing she saw was the white ceiling of a recovery room. Her body ached everywhere, thankfully, the massive headache felt before subsided. She still felt a sharp pain, but it was bearable.

But, why was she here?

The last thing she remembered before passing out was Tony cursing her, spitting out some furious words that she (frankly) deserved, and catching her before she could kiss the ground. As she looked around, she was certain she was back in the compound because this was certainly what their recovery rooms looked like.

She pushed the sheets away from her to reveal what she was wearing, thankfully, she was still in the same, sweat-filled with-grime suit that she was in during their fight earlier. There was a fresh batch of her clothes on the side. Rolling over, she grudgingly got up and swiped her clean clothes to change into them.

There wasn't a doctor or nurse around so she figured it was okay for her to leave, but she still kept her head low though. She needed to find Tony, and, well, talk. She sped throughout the halls of the busy compound, there were a lot of pretty important, higher-up, people lurking in every corridor. And she was sure after the little turn-around stunt she pulled earlier, these people were now after her too.

She was just as a criminal as much as Steve and his team was. 

Yet she didn't regret her choice of letting them go. She knew she did the right thing, even if costed her pretty much everything.

Finally, as she rounded a corner, she spotted Tony in front of the ER where Rhodey was being put in for a CT scan. Oh, God. 

When Natasha finally locked gazes with Tony, she felt her heart break when she saw the look on his face. She gulped, feeling an immense guilt crawled over her for betraying him, but she did what had to be done. She noticed that one of Tony's arms were in a cast.

"What happened?" Natasha finally asked, after a long, painful silence.

Tony just shook his head and brushed past her, motioning for her to follow him down the hall. "Why are you up? Did you see Dr. Cho yet?"

"What do you mean?" She asked with raised brows.

"She ran some tests on you while you were out, see if there's anything she could find to explain why you passed out," he said lowly.

"I haven't seen her."

"Then go find her," Tony snapped.

Natasha pressed her lips into a thin line, crossing her arms as she and Tony stared out in the open yard in the compound. Tony gripped the railing tightly with his free hand, his knuckles almost turning white in frustration.

She ignored the hard glare he was giving her and swerved the conversation instead. "What happened to Rhodey?"

"Vision hit his arc reactor," Tony answered, looking anywhere but at her. "He meant to hit Wilson but missed. I couldn't get to him in time, he fell a few hundred feet."

"Shit," Natasha breathed heavily, pinching the bridge of her nose. After she had passed out, she already had a vague idea what to expect by the time she wakes up, but it wasn't near anything to this. This was too much. "Is he gonna be okay?"

"The doctors say he shattered L4 through S1. Extreme laceration to the spinal chord. Probably looking at some form of paralysis."

Jesus.

This wasn't supposed to happen. They were supposed to be together in the compound, laughing at some dumb, old ass joke that Rhodey made while Steve wore that clueless, innocent look on his face due to not getting the reference yet again. They were the Avengers. They were friends. A family. It's not the best—hell, it's not much, but it was enough.

And this? What the hell happened to them?

"Steve's not gonna stop, Tony," she said, ignoring the glare he once again gave her at the mention of him, "if you don't either, Rhodey's gonna be the best case scenario."

And that was the truth. They couldn't push this into the worst of the worst when it'd caused more than enough damage already.

"You let them go, Nat," Tony said icily under his breath.

"We played this wrong."

"We?" His tone went higher, huffing out a dry laugh. "Boy, it must be hard to shake the whole double agent thing, huh? Sticks in the DNA?"

Natasha's mouth fell limp at his accusation, but not an ounce of regret was evident in Tony's face. She couldn't believe him. After everything they've been through? Sure, they constantly poke fun at each other, and were always at each other's throats, but she and Tony have been through more shit than anyone else on the team. Hell, they've known each other longer than her and Steve.

Sure, there were trust issues—it never went away even with the friendship she has with Tony—but after a couple of sincere, honest talks with each other, doesn't that count for something too? After they saved each other's asses when she was transported back in time?

After they've fought side by side for five fucking years, was it still not enough for her to be considered something close to a friend? 

She already warned him of the consequences that could happen if they push through this, but both men (Steve and Tony) are just too stupidly prideful for their own good. Hell, she didn't even want to be in this situation in the first place! She tried everything to make ends meet; she tried her hardest to make them see that they were more than just this stupid accords and Barnes. How the fuck was this her fault again?

Wow, guess she can never really wipe the red in her ledger no matter how much she tried.

"Are you incapable of letting go of your ego for one goddamn second?" Natasha fumed, making Tony avert his gaze from her harsh look. She was hurt. She didn't want any of this to happen as much as he did, and she wanted to make him feel that. "Did you even at least try to check out the evidence I told you? That Barnes was all set up?"

"It doesn't matter now."

"Yes, it does! It's the only thing that does!"

"I can't take a criminal's word for what he didn't do, Romanoff." Tony seethed, clenching his jaw along with a subtle shake of his head—a sign of his same, old, egotistical self. "And neither can I take yours."

Natasha huffed out a humorless breath, feeling her heart sink deeper into her chest. She got the message loud and clear. "Because I'm one of those too, aren't I?" she bit out dryly.

She was answered with Tony's silent agreement. "T'Challa told Ross what you did, so," he shot her another one of his cold, hollow smiles, "they're coming for you."

Natasha gritted her teeth, shooting him a deadly glare. "I'm not the one who needs to watch their back." 

Without giving him a chance to reply, she spun on her heel and head towards the opposite direction. She needed to go, to run away, because there wasn't anything left for her here anymore. She stopped by her room first, taking out her bag from under her bed and stuffing any valuable things that comes across her sight in the moment— cash, id's, credit cards, enough clothing to last for a couple days. 

She froze when her eyes met the picture frame by her bedside—it was a framed portrait of her wearing her ballet slippers due to Steve's insistence. Steve insisted he wanted to draw her, so she caved in after promising her he'd cook dinner for them that night.

Her fingers brushed against it, feeling the smooth texture of the glass underneath her skin. A single teardrop stained it soon after. She didn't know if she'd ever see him again, and they didn't even got to say a proper goodbye if that was the case.

It stung a little, thinking if this was the endgame for all of them, she didn't know how to start over and leave all of this behind. It should be easy, since this was something she's used to doing, but when you know all of this is built on the truth rather than a bunch of lies? It's damn hard to pretend it's easy letting it go.

But this wasn't the right time to get caught up in her emotions. She still needed to do something—a lot, and she didn't know how, exactly, but at least she knew where to start.

Her hands instinctively went to the empty spot on her neck, where her missing necklace was supposed to be. Losing it almost feels as if she'd just lost Steve too, but she couldn't stop now. Steve wouldn't want her to, anyway. 

Shoving all of her things in her bag, she zipped it up and left her room, not once glancing at the door where she knew Steve's room used to be. Because she knew what to expect the second she stepped in there—she'd smell his stupid, fantastic cologne that reminded her of the forest and mist, she'd see his neatly-folded clothes that were stacked on his bed, and his blue hoodie that's draped over his chair, the one that she liked to wear all the time.

The very mental image of Steve will once again cloud her thoughts if she walks into his room, so she didn't do it. It was all too much.

So, before anyone could stop nor see what she was planning to do, she sped out of the Avengers compound—out of the place she once called home, and never dared to look back again.

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After Natasha sped away, it left Tony gaping at her in complete disbelief. What else did she want him to say? He trusted her and then she repaid with what? Going behind their back to stick with her lover's side?

Now, Rhodey's paying the price for what she did, and, yet, she still had the audacity to snap some snarky remark about his goddamn pride? He wasn't having any of this nonsense. He stood his ground because it's what right.

Just on cue, Tony felt his watch beeped. His gaze dropped down to the unfamiliar image. "What am I looking at, FRIDAY?"

"Priority upload from the Berlin Police." FRIDAY responded.

His brows creased in confusion. Before he could look more into it, though, he heard urgent footsteps echoing from the other end of the hall. He glanced up to see Dr. Helen Cho heading in his direction, quite a look of panic on her part.

"Doctor?" Tony asked, baffled.

She was panting when she asked. "Where's Agent Romanoff?"

At the mention of her name, Tony's gaze immediately went cold. "I don't know."

"I need to speak with her, it's urgent." Helen Cho said, nearly breathless. 

The look on her face was enough to shake Tony off. "Why? Is this about her passing out earlier?" he asked, still calm but curious.

She nodded frantically. "It's about the results I got back from the lab. I really need to talk to her. Do you know where she is?"

"I... no, sorry, I don't." Tony eyed the expression on her face, "Why is it bad?"

"No. Yes. I don't know." She answered truthfully, releasing a long breath before whispering lowly. "Listen, Mr. Stark, until Agent Romanoff's back, have FRIDAY not let anyone get access to her test results, okay? Not even you."

Now, he was really thrown off. "But what is—"

"Just promise me." Helen Cho pleaded, "if you don't want any more problems, just please promise me that for now."

Even completely stumped and confused, Tony nodded hesitantly. He still had other problems to deal with first rather than Natasha's health, anyway. Besides, it's Natasha, he's certain it'd take more than freaking Mars itself to shoot her down.

"I promise." Tony nodded, watching in great confusion and curiosity as Dr. Helen Cho walked away farther and farther from his sight.

Well...

...what the hell was that all about?

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I kept my promise and updated before the year ends wooo!

Anyway, thoughts on this chapter? Esp as to why Dr. Helen Cho's so freaked out about Nat's lab results? 

Is she sick?  Hmmm...

Well, we'll find out in the next chapters ;)