GOOD NEWS: CHRIS EVANS FINALLY HAS AN IG ACCOUNT WAAAHH!!

BAD NEWS: This chapter is more angst-y and heartbreaking than the recent chapters. I'm so sorry but it needs to be done :(

Please be prepared. Prepare some tissues (lol)

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( nine. lost trust )

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Natasha barely had any sleep that night, and it was probably for a good reason too. 

She was supposed to leave before daylight came so she'd have lesser chances to be seen (though, it wouldn't matter because she was going to end up back in the compound either way), the last thing she wanted was to have another bad record added to her name again.

Unfortunately, by the time she woke up, it was too late for any proper departure. The sound of rotors outside alarmed her, even with her head spinning, she knew well enough that this wasn't going to end up well. If they find her here along with Steve— Steve. They needed to get out of here fast.

It was the middle of the night so she could barely see anything but the light from the dusty window. Panic coursed through her veins when she could make out a searchlight heading their way, just barely missing them. Oh God. 

She turned to the man beside her, still sleeping soundly despite all the noise outside. And you'd think with his enhanced senses he'd be the first to hear all this. "Steve!" She grabbed his arm and shook it like crazy. "Steve!"

His eyes snapped open in an instant. He groaned, nearly sat up, when Natasha pulled his head down and rolled them over to the side. That set off another warning as more lights flooded the room. 

Steve was smart enough to figure out what was happening. He was already wide awake beside her, breathing heavily out of fear. He could hear it now. Soldiers. Police. Guns. Trucks. Probably two. Three. Five. They were seriously outnumbered. "Goddammit."

"How they hell did they find us so fast?"

"I don't know!" He snarled, "Someone must've tipped us off."

"We have to get out of here."

"You think?" Steve returned sarcastically.

Natasha ignored him. "Where's Bucky and Sam?"

"Probably in the other room," Steve said, sneaking a look behind them, "I'll find them."

"But—"

He stopped her, already knew what she was going to say. "No. You stay here. Do you have your guns?"

Natasha patted her pockets and realized in horror that it wasn't there. Her eyes fleeted over the room, doing her best to spot it even when she could barely see a thing. After a second or two, the light fell briefly over one that glistened.

"Got it."

"Okay, get your guns and stay low. I'll find them. Don't move and don't make a sound." Steve warned.

"What am I, a child?" Natasha snapped.

Either Steve didn't hear her or simply chose to ignore her and proceeded to search the other room.

Natasha had no choice but to follow his orders. She bent low, hiding behind the debris, and scurried across the way to the guns, taking one in her pocket and gripping the other. Beads of sweat dropped down her forehead while she gasped for breath. What was wrong with her? She had been through worse. She was really anxious and she was really terrified than ever.

And she had no idea why.

Natasha kept her back pressed on the wall beside the window. She took a peak at the window, careful not to be seen, and felt her stomach churned at what was coming at them. "Well, crap." They needed to get out now. And fast. "Steve!"

No response.

She tried louder. "Steve!"

Finally, she heard his voice echoed. "What?"

When Natasha turned back outside, dread filled her inside out. There were a line of police and armed soldiers, each holding a gun in hand. When one soldier spotted her briefly, it was enough to call fire. She leaped across and called back to Steve, "Get down!"

Shots fired everywhere, shattering the window, and blocking their only way out of here. Natasha took cover as well as the rest. She looked up to see the displeased look on Steve's face. 

"I told you to stay low!" He snarled.

"I did!" Natasha replied hotly, "And then I saw what it looked outside and—" 

"It doesn't matter!" Sam interrupted. "We need to go!"

They struggled get through the gunshots being fired. Even through the noise, they could hear the voices loud and clear. They could hear what they wanted to have since the start.

The voice boomed through the ruins of the factory from a megaphone. "Captain America! Black Widow! We know you have Barnes!"

Even with what was happening, Bucky still managed to make light of the situation with his wry sense of humor. Sort of. "They don't seem friendly."

"Surrender now!"

Steve kept them going. 

Just as the soldiers were making there way up to them, they turned to go down the other way. "Over here!" Steve kicked down a window and went out the back. There were a flight of stairs descending down, but it was rusty and old. It didn't look like it could hold their weight much longer, and it stopped at the middle. 

It was quite a jump but they could make it. 

Steve ushered them over, "Better over there than down there." 

They seemed to catch his drift, and Bucky went first. He stepped on the railing, and with all his weight, pushed himself off and grabbed onto the stairs of the building opposite to them. He lifted himself up and went over safely. Sam did the same. 

But they were taking too much time and they could already hear the pounding of the soldiers' feet not far from where they were. Natasha had to buy them some time. These three needed to escape, and she needed to go back. If she'd surrender herself now...

"You go." she said.

Steve stared. "What?"

"I'll stay. I need to, remember?"

He wasn't hearing any of it. "Are you mad? There's no time for this. Just jump!"

"They'll take me back to the compound anyway!"

"Look, we're not even sure if these people want to take us in alive." Steve argued.

They already heard the soldiers ramming the back door. The rusty staircase shook with every hit, it was holding, but not for very long, and neither was the door. 

Natasha obliged and made the jump. She had to take cover inside as soon as they got over because the door finally broke and the soldiers' were taking fire from the other side. One even threw a smoke bomb on them.

They darted back out the hall. More sirens came. People were scattered, running around in fear as soon as they saw them. They recognized Bucky, and how they saw him as the wanted man who bombed the UN. They screamed for help.

The sound of the windows breaking snapped them from their daze. Soldiers flooded in, "Give it up, Captain!" one shouted.

The four of them dispersed. Natasha shot at the ones coming at the front, taking the time to swipe some of their guns. She handed a rifle to Bucky at her side, "James!" He caught it in one hand and pulled the trigger on the police coming from the foyer. But Natasha was surprised when he wasn't aiming at their chest or head, he was shooting at their legs. "Wha...What are you doing?"

Bucky seemed to know what she was asking. "I told you," He glanced at her, "I'm not going to kill anyone." He pulled the rug underneath for one soldier to lose balance and aim his shot at the ceiling instead.

"But they're the bad guys!"

"Doesn't matter." Bucky replied.

Natasha had to keep herself from staring, dumbfounded at what she had just heard. So, he really isn't the same. He's not the Winter Soldier anymore. And she had hoped it was permanent.

"Cap, we need get out of here or else they'll trap us in." Sam said, evading a policeman with a taser and decking him in the face. It was true. If they kept backing up while these soldiers' and police were advancing, they're going to end up exactly where they didn't want to be.

Steve had thought of that too. He kept recoiling their grenades at them with a makeshift shield, it went down the staircase, causing a portion of the ceiling to crumble down. Sure, it blocked the soldiers' means of getting up, but it was a risky move since it could trap the rest of them on the third floor.

But if they were going to get out of here, they certainly couldn't outrun them. They needed something faster. Something— "We have to get on one of those trucks."

"How?" Sam asked.

"We could hurl a smoke bomb down. It's enough distraction to get us in." Natasha suggested. It was unlikely but it was worth a shot, considering that they couldn't stay here forever. If more men managed to get past the block downstairs, there's no chance to even escape at all.

She already got a glimpse at how much men were out there. There was an unoccupied truck at the far side. "We need at least five of those to buy us enough time." 

"On it." Steve said, wiping the sweat from his face with his dirt-stricken arm. 

Natasha rushed to take some smoke bombs and grenade from the bodies lying on the floor. She went to get another one when a wave of dizziness suddenly hit her. It was strange. Sort of like a migraine. It was probably from the impact of her fall. But that was hours ago! 

She stumbled a bit and Steve must've probably saw her. "You alright?" Even if he was quite far, in the midst of this, with his determined look and unwavering strength to keep fighting, he still looked at her with a hint of softness. Worry in his eyes.

"Yeah," She brushed it off. It took a few seconds but it went away. By the time it did, though, it was too late, because her head cleared up just when a grenade landed in front of her.

She heard Steve yelling, warning her to get away—and she knew well enough to run from the damn grenade too. But she was too slow. As expected, Steve was there, being the hero that he always is, and saved her from being blown to bits by the grenade.

They both landed on the concrete ground, gaining a few cuts from the shards of glass scattered across. Her body ached and her head started to throb again. She coughed, waving the smoke away so she wouldn't breathe any more of it. "Damn it," she struggled to sit up, "Thanks."

"Natalia."

She stopped. Stopped moving. Stopped fighting. Stopped doing anything. It felt like the air was knocked out of her lungs.

Because this certainly wasn't Steve. 

Only a few people call her that, those who only knew and were a part of her past. And she knew one in particular.

Slowly, she turned around to face him. Bucky stared at her in a way he never did before. He hadn't looked at her this way, not even back when she was in the 40s— no, there was only one time he looked at her this way... and she remembered it oh so well when.

"What did you call me?" She asked, voice faltering. And she could see it in his eyes, a flash of recognition, a wave of realization, a painful memory of who she really was all this time. Oh God. He knows. He remembers.

Bucky went silent. It was too much for him to bear. It was overwhelming. He didn't know what to do when it everything made sense now. Why he was so drawn to her ever since. Why it seemed to hurt and not hurt at the same time she was around him. Her deep red hair, her eyes—hues of that of the forest that they had said to return to someday—and her warm smile, the image of her that reminded him of hope and a home he once had.

A soldier suddenly emerged up front but she was quicker, Natasha crouched down and shot him square in the chest. He fell down with a thud.

They looked at one another in silence, neither could find the right words to even ask what was happening. How? How could he remember such a thing at a time like this? And all so sudden. Natasha find it hard to believe, but there was no point in pretending like it never happened.

Because it did happen. He said her name. He said— "Natalia." Bucky repeated, weakly.

Natasha swallowed the lump in her throat. There was something in his voice that made her feel unstable. A certain familiarity.

They felt someone watching, and both gazes fell on Steve, who was watching the scene unfold in his very own eyes. Natasha couldn't begin to explain the look on his face. He looked puzzled, and suspicious. Well, who wouldn't?

She had to do something. "Steve—"

"Natalia?" Steve repeated, only his tone had a hint of disbelief.

Oh boy. She was screwed.

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"Step up, Natalia! борьба (Fight)!"

"Stop!" Natalia's opponent shouted.

He watched, seeing her barely dodging the attacks of Natalia. The girl was terrified, and he knew that she was far from gaining the upper hand. She was slowly giving up.

Natalia managed to cut her arm, and the girl stumbled back down. Panic rose inside her as she rolled to the side to avoid her attack. "Natalia, please stop!"

"What are you doing, Natalia? Finish her off!"

Natalia finally cornered her and raised a gun up to her head. Natalia hesitated. Her opponent trembled immensely. Her eyes pleaded for mercy. Her voice shook, used the last of her strength to speak for the last time, "Please, Natalia." She cried, gasping for breath, "You are my friend."

He sensed her reluctance to pull the trigger. And he thought that madam wasn't going to take this well. It was already understood. It was either you pull the trigger at once, or not at all. Even a slight hesitation was an indication already.

He was right. Madam was furious. She didn't train them to be like this. She grabbed one of the guns beside her and aimed it at Natalia. 

He didn't know what he was thinking, but he knocked the madam's hand and the gun shot through one of the gun powder instead. It went off like fireworks.

He ended up saving Natalia. There was something about her that made him do it.

"Тебя зовут наталья (Your name is Natalia)?" he asked afterwards.

She was silent, then she nodded. "кто ты (Who are you)?"

He thought of it for a moment. "друг (A friend)."

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They were lucky enough to get out of the building alive and in one piece. But Natasha wasn't so lucky with how things are with her and Steve recently. Especially with what just happened, it was a matter that needed to be discussed.

Steve didn't seem like himself right after the incident. He wasn't in a talking mood with any of them and kept silent while they were trying to escape. She couldn't leave things between them like this. She didn't want to. 

Natasha sighed. But she didn't know how. It was her fault for not telling him about it sooner herself, and she had to deal with this. She needed to get him to understand.

The truck suddenly stopped. She looked at Steve, who was still avoiding her gaze. She looked outside and saw that they were at a gasoline station. Good thing there weren't any people around much.

"What are we doing here?" she asked, talking to him for the first time in a while.

"You need to go back." he said, tersely.

Natasha looked at him, dumbfounded. "What, now? I can't go now what if they still have a lead on us? I'll be followed."

"No, we'll be followed." Steve chided, finally looking at her. "You need to go back before we make it past the city. It's safe. I'll make sure they're tailing us and not you."

She couldn't believe this. He sounded this desperate to shoo her away. This won't do. "Alright, fine, but before I go, I need to talk to you."

Steve stiffened. "About what?"

Sam intervened. "You know, what? I think I just need to take a leak. I'll be right back." 

When Bucky made no signs of moving, Sam tapped him to leave too. "Man, come on!" He hissed, implying that they should leave the two alone for a minute. 

Bucky soon followed his drift and got out the truck.

Silence filled the air.

It was the most excruciating seconds of silence in her life. She didn't know how or where to start. Steve was having the same problem too.

He took a heavy breath. "Why did he call you that?"

Natasha's heart began to speed up at an alarming rate. She couldn't lie anymore. Not to Steve. Besides the fact that she didn't want to, she really couldn't. They had spent so much time together that he can read her like a book too. He knew how she lied, and he knew how to figure it out.

"Steve..." It was the only word that seemed to come out every time she tried to explain. 

"Nobody knows that except..." The people closest to her. Steve shook his head, like he was trying to make sense of the situation, but was dismayed to realize that he can't. Not with all the missing pieces and the unanswered questions. He needed to know. "How?"

She couldn't look at him. "Because he knew me before." Somehow, a sense of fear filled her. "In the Red Room he—he trained me." The words were out before she could stop it. It all came crashing down like a strong wave that was taking her away. It was now or never, and there was no turning back from it now. "The Winter Soldier." 

It was almost as if his mind wasn't understanding what she was saying. All those words. Red Room. Trained her. Winter Soldier. It didn't quite add up. He was still lost. "Then why wasn't this in his file?" He asked. 

"Because it was never supposed to happen," she admitted. The unexpected relationship between the Black Widow and the Winter Soldier wasn't something the KGB nor HYDRA planned. In fact, they wanted the exact opposite. The only reason on why he was there during her training was because he was asked to assess them by the KGB themselves. If they were qualified enough to 'graduate'. She continued, "it was a secret. No one was supposed to find out."

That seemed to snap Steve out of his comfort. He was obviously holding back before for her sake, but what she said pushed him over the edge. "Even me?" he bit back.

Natasha shook her head. "No, Steve, listen... I—I did try to tell you, believe me. So many times. And I'm sorry that you had to find about it this way."

He didn't say anything.

She swallowed the lump in her throat. His gaze was no longer on hers, it was cast down in his hands. She did the same. Coward.  She was too afraid to look up and see something in his eyes that would crush her. She wondered if he didn't understand or refused to believe any of it, but then he spoke, and as soon as she heard his voice, she felt her world crashing down. 

"So you knew."

It wasn't a question. It was an accusation.

She stiffened, forcing herself to meet his eyes. Betrayal and hurt filled him. He was staring at her. Staring into her soul. And now, she couldn't hide from him. She couldn't hide. Not when she gave him everything of her. He knew her like the back of his hand and he was smart enough to put it together.

"You knew back then in D.C.. You knew it was him." His voice was nothing more than a strained whisper but it was louder than thunder. A storm. Louder than everything. Tears pricked at the corner of his eyes. "And you didn't tell me?"

Back in D.C., she wasn't herself, or at least, she wasn't the same Natasha who went back in the 40's and fell in love with Steve Rogers. He couldn't hold this one up against her, their connection wasn't strong enough for her to be so open with him yet. To the point where she'd let herself be vulnerable just for the sake of him.

Yet she knew it was wrong. No matter who she was, it was wrong. She had hurt him. There was no way around that. The memories were vague but she could remember fragments of it. 

"Steve, that happened before I was sent back to the past." she lamely reasoned. It was no excuse, but she had no control over her former self.

She thought he would understand. The realization might crawl over him. But it didn't. His stare only turned harder. "Even if you already were, would you have told me?"

Natasha opened her mouth to speak, struggling to weigh out some words. She was stammering, trying to justify selfishness and vulnerability to someone like him. Someone who had none of them and could, thus, never understand what it's like to have it.

He got the answer he needed. "You wouldn't have." 

"It's not easy for me, Steve! I couldn't hurt you!" She reasoned, fighting back the sickening feeling in her gut. 

She remembered, even before she was sent back to the past, that she cared a lot about him already. And she was too terrified to take the risk of hurting him about something she wasn't sure about. Bucky wasn't the only Winter Soldier she knew before, so she couldn't say anything that could be false. 

"I was scared. No matter how hard that is to believe, I'm always too scared to hurt you. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't do it. I couldn't make you think that. What if I was wrong and—"

"You still should've told me! And even now, you should've told me about him!" He belted out in rage and agony. "I could have taken it better...hearing it from you instead from him. It would have hurt but not as much as it did. And you know that I trusted you and I could've understood either way if you were right or not. What matters is that you told me your truth!"

Her heart pounded. "Steve, please, listen to me... listen to me, please—"

Steve's face crumpled in pain. He ran a hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose and trying to hold back the tears. His shoulders were shaking and were struggling to pull himself together. "What else?" he asked, looking at her with pained eyes. "What else aren't you telling me?"

Her lip quivered. Trembled. "I..." The stern gaze on Steve's face along with those cold eyes was making her lose herself. Because there were tears in his eyes, and she could feel it stung hers as well. She had no choice but to say it. Shamefully. Humiliatingly. Regretfully. 

"... I slept with him."

And it was out. Just like that.

She felt disgusting. She felt sick. Almost close to throwing up. She couldn't bear to handle the look on Steve's face. He stared at her like he was lost. Like he couldn't understand. Like he didn't know her anymore.

Natasha could've lied but she was done with all the lying. Steve didn't deserve this. Any of it. And she had to handle whatever was going to happen. She had to take it all in. She couldn't take the words back.

"When he trained you." was only what he said.

Strong calloused hands caressed her skin. Soft lips and hard teeth scraping over her neck. Her body. God. She squeezed her eyes shut at the memories. The vivid reminders of what was Black Widow and the Winter Soldier were. What Natalia Alianovna and James Barnes were. She slept with him. She slept with Steve's best friend. "Yes," she said.

The weight of Steve's eyes felt like a ton of bricks to her. It was crushing. Heartbreaking. He must be disgusted. Steve knew what her life was like before SHIELD took her in. Sex was nothing. She treated sex as a weapon. An advantage. And this certainly wasn't the first time she engaged in such a thing. But why would this be any different? Because the man she slept with wasn't just any other man. It was James Barnes. It was Bucky. It was Steve's best friend.

And the man she loved was Steve Rogers. And Steve Rogers deserved better.

He was breaking in front of her own eyes. And there was nothing she could do to stop it. She had done enough. She had done enough. "Steve," She wanted to reach out and touch him. To hold him. "Steve, please, please. Please." So, she did. She reached out to touch his arm.

But he flinched away. Staring at her with darkness she couldn't bear storing in her memories again. He had never looked at her that way before. Never. "Don't," he whispered, voice trembling with a sob as tears wet his cheeks.

"Steve—"

"Don't!" He finally belted out, sinking back the farthest he can in his seat. Away from her. His eyes were open, looking at her with hatred, anger, and ice that seemed to freeze her own heart. Her own soul. He was shaking so much that she thought he was going to break. Maybe he already did, and it was all her fault. "Don't touch me."

That felt like a slap to her face. A knife cutting her wide open. Blade after blade. Twisting and turning and screaming. "I'm sorry, Steve. I'm sorry!" she cried, a tear slid past her cheek.

"No! I can't. I can't."

Stop this. Stop him. Don't let him give up. Her eyes burned, tears prickling and clouding her vision. There was no way trying to make her wrongs right. But she could try. "Steve, please! Please, listen to me—"

"You should go." 

"What?"

"Just go, Nat. Go back."

"No, no! No. Steve, please!"

But he wasn't hearing her. He didn't want her. And he didn't want it. Any of it. He shut her out, and she had no choice but to deal with this.

She tried to fight for what's left of them.

He didn't.

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I... I have no words on what to say. I'm crying as I write this. I'm so sorry but this really is an important scene in the book.

I'm so sorry this has to happen. Forgive me? :((

I still love Nat and Steve! They're going to get through this, I promise :)