track suggestion to listen to for this chapter: right partner

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( seventeen. love is for children )

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"We are running out of time."

"You're overreacting. Look, you still have 52% percent."

"I am halfway through my life now!"

"You mean you're halfway through your death now."

"For God's sake, Stark."

"Kidding. Wait, wait—please, don't kill me. Wait!"

Natasha rolled her eyes, putting down the pen she was holding on his desk. "I'm not going to kill you. I don't have my knives on me so you're safe."

"But you had a pen."

She raised an eyebrow.

"Never mind." He stood up from his seat to lean against his desk. "We're still having the same problem since day one. There isn't enough of a power source to get your watch cooking. Obviously, we can try by doing what we did during Project Rebirth, which is dimming half the light in Brooklyn but I doubt we can get everyone to agree on that. Even if I'm the government's number one weapon's contractor."

Of course, we can't.

Natasha sighed, rubbing her temples. How were they going to find a powerful source that matches the power of an infinity stone without causing enough of a trouble? She doubts that anything here in 1943 can harness a power equivalent to that.

Unless...

Unless it's another infinity stone too.

Her eyes widened in realization.

Oh. My. Lord.

"The tesseract..." She said absentmindedly.

Howard looked at her with confusion. "The what?"

She met his eyes. "The Tesseract. It... it makes perfect sense! I was sent here with the help of an infinity stone, then it would only be ideal that I would be sent back with the help of an infinity stone too. It would harness a power enough to generate these space-time molecules whatever and get me back home."

"Hold up. Hold up. What's an infinity stone?" he asked.

Shit.

"Is it an actual stone or... "

Well, it's out there. There's no point in lying about it now. And now that she thought of the solution for her problem, there was no way she was letting this slip now. Not when she was this close to getting back home.

"It's a stone that came from the Gods." She said, trying to keep it as vague as possible. "At least that's what I've been told. I don't understand it much either. I just know it's powerful and dangerous."

Just when he thought this thing couldn't get weird enough as it is. He let out a puff of breath. "Okay, so I'm going to pretend that this is real because I really have no other choice than to believe it. You're saying these stones... they're the source of power of the time machine?"

She nodded. "Yes."

"But what's the... tes... tessa what?"

"Tesseract." She corrected, crossing her arms. "It's another infinity stone. It's just as powerful as the other stone used to bring me here. If we could somehow harness its power and channel it straight into my watch, then it could be enough to send me back."

That makes more sense. In a logical and less magical-y way. "Okay, so where could we get our hands on this Tesseract?"

She bit her lip. "It's..." She sighed, "It's in HYDRA's possession."

Recognition dawned on his face. He knew what she was talking about. "Is that what they're using to build their weapons?"

"I think so. It would explain why their technology is more advanced than your own."

"Shit, Anne. Do you even know what you're saying? The reason why we have this war is to fight HYDRA. We're not even close to ending this war and you want us to knock on their front door and steal this?"

"We're not stealing it. It wasn't even theirs to begin with! They just stole it too and we're getting it back."

Howard let out a humorless chuckle. "Yes, for your own purposes."

"What's that supposed to mean?" She seethed.

"Do you know the risk of what you're planning to do? Alright, let's say that you got out there alive with the Tesseract. How do you expect HYDRA's going to react? They'll fire back of course! Even harder. Even stronger. Even deadlier. Extending this war until it no man is left to stand and stop HYDRA."

She glared at him harshly. Feeling her veins pop out of her forehead. "So you're saying I'm being selfish? For wanting to go back? Jesus, Howard! I don't even belong here! I'm not even supposed to be dragged in this goddamn war of yours! Do you know how hard it is for me? That one wrong move and I could mess up everything? It's fucking bullshit! Everything!"

Howard swallowed the lump in his throat, shaking his head at her. "Look, I understand your situation. I know that it's unfair to you and it is unfair. But you've got to think this through, Anne! You said it yourself, one wrong move and you could mess up everything. You think by doing this, everything will still be the same once you get back?"

She kept silent, hot tears were forming in her eyes as she bit down hard on her tongue.

"You might even lose more than you have if you do this." He said.

And as she listened to him, it was becoming infuriating that he has a point. Again.

Threatening the lives of everyone just to acquire her needs is too much of a risk. Too selfish. But if she didn't do this, then she'll have no other choice than to accept her fate. That she was going to die here. To disappear. To fade like dust.

Maybe that's how things are supposed to be?

"I'm sorry." She muttered, heaving a sigh. "You're right I'm... this is wrong. I don't—I don't know what do anymore. I can't..."

"I'm not saying you should give up, Anne, because I sure as hell ain't giving up on this. I promised that I would get you back home, right? We just need to find another source without endangering more people. Or the future."

Natasha nodded in understanding, blinking away the tears. She wasn't going to cry in front of a Stark. And crying already made her feel weak. This wasn't the time to be weak.

"Maybe I could find one while on the HYDRA missions with Captain Rogers."

"Does he already know you're coming?"

No. He doesn't. She hadn't got the chance to speak with him about it. She had once brought this up to Colonel Phillips but he shot her idea as quickly as she brought it up. He said that she wasn't a soldier. She was an agent. And an agent doesn't run around in the battlefield shooting guns and kicking ass.

Funny, because those are the exact things an agent does in her time.

When she wasn't taking no for an answer, Phillips told her that if she really had the guts to fight, then she needed to ask the Captain's permission. Which meant that she needed to talk to Steve.

After everything that happened, she knows it's not going to be that easy.

Talking to Steve was one thing. Convincing him to get her ride along too? She needed a miracle to get him to agree.

Natasha shook her head. "Not yet. I hadn't got the chance to speak with him yet." Because we're purposely avoiding each other.

"Alright, just let me know if I need to know something."

She nodded, knowing that it was her cue to leave and let him do his work. "Thanks, Howard." She headed to the door and opened it.

"Be careful, Anne."

"Natasha."

"What?"

She looked over her shoulder. "My real name," She shot him a genuine smile. "It's Natasha."

Surprise filled his face. Then his lips curled up into a wide grin. He tried to keep his happiness to a notch but she saw right through it. And he looked like a little kid given a plenty amount of treats on Halloween night. "Be careful... Natasha."

Natasha sent a final wink before stepping out the door.

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Later that day, she was in the weaponry room assisting Howard to prepare the equipment for Steve to try out. She was still a little hesitant in doing this but Howard told her that she's not going to do herself any favors if she keeps avoiding Steve.

He already knows about her feelings for him, by the way. She didn't tell him but he was smart enough to figure it out.

Besides, she also needed her own sets of pistols if she's going on the HYDRA missions.

She was inspecting a gun set on one table when she heard footsteps approaching. She turned around to see Howard talking with Steve.

"Fondue is just cheese and bread, my friend," Howard said.

"Really? I didn't think—"

"Nor should you, pal. The moment you think you know what's going on in a woman's head is the moment your goose is well and truly cooked."

Natasha furrowed her eyebrows in plain confusion and curiosity. What were they talking about? They stopped in front of her. The second she glanced up, she found Steve's eyes staring right at her. He blushed, as well as she. And they quickly looked away.

Amusement filled Howard's face. Jesus, he could practically feel the sexual tension between them suffocating the entire room.

He knew that she'd kill him for doing this. But it doesn't stop him from baiting her, still. "Everything alright, Agent Klein?"

He could see the blush on her face becoming more evident now. From the way she tightened her grasp on the gun in her hand tells it all. "Yes." She answered curtly.

He could see Steve opening his mouth to say something but quickly closed it as if he changed his mind. "So, let's get down to business, shall we?" He led the Captain to a table filled with numerous weapons. "Carbon Polymer; should withstand your average German bayonet." He held a piece of fabric. "Although HYDRA's not going to attack you with a pocket knife."

Natasha fought back the snort rising in her throat.

Yeah, we'll see about that seventy years from now.

"I hear you're kind of attached," Howard said, directing to the bright blue, red and white shield on the end of the table.

"It's handier than you might think." Steve asserted.

"I took the liberty of coming up with some options." They came across a variety of shields. "This one's fun. She's been fitted with electrical relays that allow you to—"

"What about this one?"

She snapped her head up from what the guns she was inspecting to see Steve grab a circular metal shield from the table below.

"No, no. That's just a prototype."

"What's it made of?"

"Vibranium. It's stronger than steel and a third the weight. It's completely vibration absorbent."

Her eyes lit up with recognition at the mentioned name. So, this was what Steve's shield first look like? Wow. She had to admit, witnessing his firsthand was pretty cool.

Steve continued to inspect the circular shield, clasping it into his arm. "How come it's not a standard issue?"

"That's the rarest metal on Earth. What you're holding there, that's all we've got."

Then he raised his hand with the shield clasped in his arm. The image of him wearing his real Captain America suit and shield quickly flooded her mind. Even though she was still feeling... off towards him, seeing him get all excited about it made her smile. Steve just looked plain adorable and innocent.

And before she even realized it, the words already spilled out of her mouth. "It suits you." Both Steve and Howard turned to her in surprise. Steve, most of all, who was looking at her like he couldn't believe she actually said something. Much less, compliment him. She cleared her throat, "Captain."

It wasn't much but she could see the corners of his lips turned into a smile. He opened his mouth to speak.

"You quite finish, Mr. Stark?" Peggy's voice once again interrupted what he was going to say. She felt her fists clench in annoyance. Why must she always come in on so timely? "I'm sure the Captain has some unfinished business."

She couldn't help but notice that she sounded pissed off. There was bitterness hinted at the latter part of her statement.

Steve turned away from her and instead looked at Peggy. Her heart sunk again. She had to admit, that hurt.

"What do you think?" He asked her with that same smile.

Peggy only stared at him.

Natasha was starting to think that something really was wrong when she suddenly took one of the pistols from the table and aimed it at Steve.

Her eyes widened in shock.

He barely had the time to raise his shield when she pulled the trigger. Shooting him four times. Four times.

She, as well as Howard and the rest, took cover when that happened. By the time it was done, they all looked at Peggy, horrified at what she just did.

Peggy sighed frustratingly, then she flashed a bittersweet smile. "Yes, I think it works." She slammed the pistol down on the table and walked out of the room, shooting Steve a deadly glare as soon as she brushed past him and out the door.

Okay, something was seriously wrong. With her.

Steve and Howard watched with bewilderment on their faces until she disappeared from their sight. She suddenly felt her blood boiling. What was that all about? That certainly didn't look like Peggy Carter. She knew Peggy cares enough for Steve to not get him hurt.

But what she did just now? Completely the opposite.

She needed to talk to her. Figure out what the hell just happened. She headed straight for the door Peggy just left.

"Anne, where are you going?" She heard Howard ask her.

"I'll be right back."

Quickly, she walked out of the room. She spotted Peggy walking in the hall. "Agent Carter," But she wasn't stopping. She sighed with annoyance, finally catching up with her. "Agent Carter!"

She whirled around. "What?"

"What just happened back there?"

"Nothing that you need to know."

Natasha narrowed her eyes. "What? I think it's necessary for anyone to know why on earth did you suddenly fired a gun at Captain Rogers?"

"He saw it coming." Peggy returned, snidely. "He asked me for my opinion, didn't he?"

She pinched the bridge of her nose in annoyance. "Oh God, you're damn lucky that shield worked."

Then what she said next completely threw her off. "If I told you he snogged another agent what would you feel?"

She paled. "What?"

Peggy scoffed, smiling sardonically. "That's what I thought."

"Wait, no, are you telling me that he kissed someone?" She asked, disbelievingly. "Jeez. I thought he was lying..."

Her mind went back to the first kiss they shared when they were trying to run away from HYDRA. He froze like a deer with headlights the second she told him. It was her idea to kiss him so Rumlow couldn't catch them. Well, maybe it was the most reasonable but she actually wondered what was it like for Captain America to kiss you.

Killing two birds with one stone, they say.

And he was terrible. Really terrible. But still, she couldn't hold back from teasing him.

Was that your first kiss since 1945?

That bad huh?

I didn't say that—

Well, it kinda sounds like that's what you're saying.

I don't—I just wondered how much practice you had—

You don't need practice—

Everybody needs practice.

That was not my first kiss since 1945. I'm 95. I'm not dead.

She always wondered if he was being honest with her on that, and now, she finally got her answer.

Peggy knitted her eyebrows, not picking up on what she said. "What are you talking about, Anne?"

Then it hit her. She shot him because she was jealous? Was she out of his mind? Even if she was mad at Steve, even if she was jealous, she couldn't—no, wouldn't do that to him. She might be a ruthless and cold-blooded murderer but when it comes to the people she cares about, she wouldn't go as far as to risk in getting them hurt.

"So you shoot at him because you're jealous?" She exclaimed. "Didn't you even think of the consequences of what could've happened if that shield didn't work?"

"But nothing happened. We're done talking about this, Agent Klein." Peggy retorted, turning away from her.

No. "But—"

In a flash, she was back at her again. Turning around so swiftly that she almost staggered a step back. "You know it wouldn't kill you to admit you like him too!"

Natasha froze in her spot.

Peggy looked at her hotly, anger filling her eyes. "The reason why you're so concerned about him, the reason why you care if he gets hurt! It's because you like him too."

She tried to defend herself. "I—"

"You can lie all you want." She cut her off. "You can try fooling Steve, you can try fooling yourself, but you're done fooling me."

She looked back at her with the same fiery in her eyes. Not withering from her harsh glare. "Is that a threat, Agent Carter?" she asked in disbelief.

"No, it's a reminder. I don't know if what he thinks of you or me, or of any woman for that matter. But since I'm in no position or whatsoever to have a reason to be mad at you, I won't be. I respect your feelings. But please, don't dare try lying to my face again."

With that, she walked away, leaving her behind.

Natasha didn't try stopping her. She sat on a nearby bench in silence, trying to work out her emotions and thoughts. She ran a hand through her face in frustration. Great. Now even Peggy knows that she has feelings for Steve.

If she knows, then it would only be a matter of time till Steve knows too.

She can't let that happen.

"Anne?"

But like she said, time was utmost cruel to her.

She looked up and saw Steve standing a few feet from where she was. "Steve?"

"Yeah, hi."

"Do you need something?"

Then a faint blush starting filling his ears. For the umpteenth time. God, she wasn't even doing anything yet.

"I—uh, actually. I was umm..." He gave her a sheepish smile. "I was heading to the rooftop to get a glance at the solar eclipse tonight. Want to uh..." He cleared his throat. "Come with me and check it out?"

Natasha arched an eyebrow. "I didn't know you were interested in eclipses?"

He laughed nervously, scratching the back of his head. "I guess there's a lot of things you don't know about me yet."

She smirked. "Guess so."

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Natasha was surprised when Steve guided her to the rooftop. She didn't even know the SSR had a building with a rooftop. As soon as they reached the balcony, she glanced up at the night sky.

Her eyes filled with puzzlement when she was staring at a full moon instead of an eclipse. "Where's the eclipse?"

Steve's blush became more prominent, pretending to look surprised. "O-Oh, there's not? I thought for sure there was. The news said there was."

She couldn't help it. Amusement filled her face as she let out a wide grin. "There was nothing about solar eclipses on the news today."

"You listen to the news?"

She nodded.

Steve looked surprised. "I didn't know that."

"I guess there's a lot of things you don't know about me yet." She mimicked him.

He glanced at her, smiling at the recognition of his own words. "Guess so." He replied evenly.

They stood there in silence. Both leaning against the balcony as they stared at the night sky. It was amazing. It was peaceful. So peaceful, that looking at it could wash all your worries and problems away.

"It's beautiful." She said, absentmindedly.

Steve glanced at her from his side. Staring at her completely. "Yes. It is."

She looked right back to find his eyes gazing into her very own. Her heart practically leaped out of her chest. Suddenly, she found it very difficult to breathe. "Uh..." She looked down at her fingers. "You mind telling me why you brought me here?"

He didn't let her dismissive tone step on his confidence. Not this time. "I just wanted to talk to you."

"Me?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

Steve let out a breathy chuckle, averting his gaze from her the same time she looked right back at him. "Because I missed you." He whispered.

And that was it.

All confidence she had earlier was starting to fall apart. Her walls were crumbling down. Her heart was beating so fast that she thought she was going to have a heart attack (if that was possible). And her knees were trembling the same time her fingers were shaking.

The sincerity of Steve's words was enough to bring back the hope that had died down in her chest back up again. When her heart was crushed to pieces when she saw him and Peggy at the Stork Club? His words right now, right here, were enough to put it back together again. Not everything. But little by little, it did.

If she was following her mind, she would've said the same thing back. To dismiss the thought that she had missed him too. She had missed her friend.

But her heart was what won.

"You missed me?" She bit out, scolding herself for sounding like a child. "Or because you just missed talking to someone when your girlfriend's not around?"

Steve flinched at her tone, looking at her with confused eyes, "Girlfriend?"

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about."

"But I really don't—"

She stared at him with furious eyes. "Then I supposed I just need to make myself very clear then. Is that what you want?"

"What are you getting so mad about?" He hissed, clenching his jaw.

This wasn't going to end well.

And she needed to get out of here before she does something she'll regret later on. She turned on her heel to walk away. "I have to go."

"No." Steve grabbed her wrist, looking at her dead in the eyes. "I am not letting you walk away from me again."

She tried to pull back but he wouldn't let her. His grip was too strong. "Steve, let me go."

"Why won't you talk to me? Why won't you look at me?"

"Because I don't know what you want!"

"How would you know what I want if you're not giving me a chance to tell you what I want?"

Natasha felt her vision becoming blurry. She was just so tired of this. The overwhelming emotions were beating her up. Anger. Hurt. Pain. Disappointment. Jealousy. It was betraying her. It was going against everything she always knew herself to be.

She is Black Widow.

Not this... lovesick jealous teenager.

"Because I'm afraid I won't like what I'll hear."

His stare remained on her. Unrelenting. "Are you sure about that?" She kept quiet. Slowly, his grip on her loosened and his eyes turned softer. "Please, don't leave."

She didn't move. Contemplating whether to believe Steve's words or her own. Then she realized that she wanted to hear what he was going to say. Whatever it is. This was the only time he's allowing himself to talk to her without anything to get in the way, and she needed to grab that chance. Because next time, there might be none left at all.

He felt relief flood in his chest when she went back to the balcony. She stood close beside him, leaving at least a foot of distance between them.

How could they both feel so close... yet so far from one another at the same time?

It took a while but he waited. And waited. And waited.

Finally, she spoke, "Can I ask you something?" He didn't say anything because he knows she knew that it was okay. It was what he was wanted. For her to talk to him about anything. Anything. "Are you and Peggy..." She couldn't say it. "You know."

Steve shook his head. "No. I mean, we haven't talked about it yet so, no. Not really."

Yet.

She sighed, feeling the disappointment surging through her again. "But you love her."

It wasn't a question. She didn't know how but she finally mustered up the courage to look at him while she searches for answers.

He didn't answer at first.

Then he nods.

Natasha felt her heart broke then and there. A lump was forming on her throat and she tried so hard to fight the tears back. She couldn't do this. She couldn't do this anymore.

But she needed to. Not for her, but for him.

"Then what's holding you back? You love her and I'm certain she feels the same way about you." She asked, her voice betraying her emotions when it started to break.

"I love her," Steve repeated, his words cutting through her heart like knives. "But I'm not in love with her."

Her pain was replaced with mere confusion. "Huh?"

"I know it probably doesn't make sense. God, it doesn't even make sense to me too but... I don't know." He sighed, shaking his head. "I love her as a person, as a teammate, as a friend—"

She felt her mind spiraling out of bewilderment. "A friend? That one word's enough to destroy a thousand hearts, Steve." She said in disbelief.

"Okay, maybe I—I'm attracted to her. She's beautiful and I... I like her. I like her that way." His voice turned quieter, barely above a whisper. "But not love."

And it was enough to spark a little hope inside her again. Through tear-stained eyes, she gave him a lopsided smile. "What do you know about love, Cap?"

He only smiled back. "Enough."

Silence fell over them. 

They watched the night sky together. Side by side. 

At some point, the distance between them became shorter. Their shoulders were brushing one another now. Both felt the electric pull that was tugging them closer. The spark that ran across their spine. Their soul.

"Do you ever wonder what it's like?" He suddenly asked.

"What?"

"To fall in love."

She snorted in disbelief, looking right at him. "Love is for children, Rogers."

He could only smile. "No, it's not."

As soon as he said those words, her heart skipped a beat once more. She felt the warmth. The truth. The sincerity in his voice. She realized by looking at Steve, she was seeing him in an entirely different light. Far from a leader. A teammate. A captain. A friend.

No, something more than that.

"You know, actually there's... someone else." He suddenly said, his face lighting up. She observed that this was different. Different from the way he looks when he's talking about Peggy. "I-I don't know why I'm suddenly interested in her but my mind's confusing the hell out of me, so, yeah, I'm a mess. But..." He sighed, glancing at her. "She's always on my mind."

In that slight fraction of a second, she saw the truth in those blue eyes. The deep ocean of secrets that she managed to dive right through.

And she hoped. Hoped. That she was right about what she saw. "Who?" she asked.

Steve smirked. "That's a secret."

No. You're not getting away that easy. "Do I know her?"

He only laughed, turning away from the balcony to face her completely. "You'd be surprised."

Now she was getting irritated and more curious than ever. "Steve—"

He pinched her nose.

He fucking pinched her nose.

She stood there with wide-eyes, realizing what he just did. Her face turned red and her mouth went slightly agape. Her striking green-eyes looked back at him with utter astonishment.

The triumphant smile from his handsome face stared back at her with so much tease and amusement.

But it quickly died down when he noticed her shaking. "You're shivering." Just like before, he took off his coat and wrapped it around her. "Better?"

She could only nod in response.

Steve was standing so close to her. So close now that she could smell his aftershave and intoxicating cologne. "God, Anne. You're shivering too much. You must be cold."

A short smile passed her quivering lips. She glanced up at him, their faces only inches away. "People don't always shiver because they're cold, Steve." He stared at her. His eyes drifting down to her long lashes and soon, to her lips. "And how could I be cold with your coat wrapped around me?"

He chuckled lowly, shaking his head in amusement.

She laughed along.

After a while, they simply looked at each other. No one said a word.

But the moment was long gone when she saw a flicker of emotion in his eyes. Like a switch that suddenly shook him awake.

He cleared his throat, pulling back. "Come on. Let's get inside."

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I don't know about you guys but this is one of my fave chapters in the whole book. <3