♡ august 20th 2021 ♡

[[i've always struggled with self worth]]
realizing i was important and deserved to be alive was a hard concept to grasp
i never ate more than i needed too
i never showered because i wanted to
i never purchased anything just for the fun of it
i just...existed
not happily
not sadly
just...me
but then he started to care for me
he brought me a cupcake this saturday
when i asked him why he said it was because i was his best friend and he loved me
number one, why should i get a cupcake?
i certainly don't do things worth that amount of kindness
it was silly to me the fact that he thought i deserved it
even when i hadn't done a thing to please him lately
such a small issue in a world of problems and insecurities
yet, it is important to me
am i worth it?
worth being kind to
worth getting a cupcake?
i certainly don't think so
but i'm more curious of his thought process
he's always been overly kind to me
and for what?
i get him presents on birthdays and holidays, nothing else
the fact that he sees something in me
something i can't find
is so...strange
and number two,
it hurt like the stings of a thousand wasps when he called me his best friend
it shouldn't have hurt
that's what's bugging me
i am his best friend
why is it so bothersome?
love...
the strange thing i still cannot understand
that's surely what it is right?
my thoughts and feelings have been flowing like a babbling brook
bubbling and bursting into my heart and brain
spilling out of my mouth in waterfalls of emotion and light
i try to keep them in but i just end up spitting it up, so to speak
i wonder if he's noticed
i pray that i can keep it in
he doesn't need to know how i feel about him
[[for my attraction to him means nothing in this inconsequential universe]]

- kyoko kirigiri