Hello everyone, 

I wanted to give everyone an update and thank y'all for being so supportive and helping me with the bad news I got a couple days ago. I didn't go into detail about the situation, but the diagnosis is not optimistic. It is pancreatic cancer, from which 80% of people die within the first year. Even if he beats the odds and lives over a year, only 4% live 5 years past diagnosis.

I haven't talked about this, but growing up there was a lot of death in my family. The majority of people I didn't know or wasn't close with, but there were a few I was. I have dealt with the grief process and had to watch my family go through it. Both of my parents lost people close to them when they were teenagers and still get teary talking about these experiences. Which is okay. But, something people don't tell you about grief is that it is just as hard to watch those you love go through it. 

The news I received a few days ago was more shocking than anything. I'd been preparing for bad news on other family members that are much older or already in ill health (I'm nearly 22 and still have a set of great grandparents. While I love them deeply, news of something like this from them would be tragic, but wouldn't be as shocking due to their age). 

This family member also has a 5-year-old grandchild (my little cousin) and while he has been to funerals and experienced death, it was never someone he knew and loved so closely. There's nothing I hate more than seeing those I love in pain and I wanted to protect him for that, but I can't. I didn't want him to have to learn the same lessons I did as a kid and have to see his mother cry the same way I did. But, there's nothing I can do. I can only hope his age will keep his thoughts innocent and that he will only remember the happy memories with his grandfather and not the current ones. 

I know that I will be okay with this. While I love him and have wonderful memories from my childhood with him, I really only saw him once or twice a year. While I'm sad, I'm glad that I will have the opportunity to say goodbye and mentally prepare for him to not be in my life anymore. 

I still worry for the other family member's we share. How they react and how this will affect them. I worry about the family drama that will surely ensue (that already has tbh). But, I will be and am okay. 

I know many of you said that it was okay if I wanted to take a break. However, I often find my comfort in these situations from writing, so I plan to continue updating when I can. Y'all don't need to worry about me, but I also wanted to put this out there as comfort for myself, but also for anyone else who is dealing with grief, to know that grief takes so many forms. You might cry, you might not. You might be angry, you might not be. You might isolate yourself, you might not want to be alone. You could be none of these things or none of these things. 

Grief isn't always how we see it portrayed in media. It looks different for everyone and there's almost no wrong way to grieve. 

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words and support. It honestly means the world to me.

Thank you,

Alyce