"Let me take you"

Jax kept saying

and I don't know why

but I kept shaking my head

no

no

he can't see Daiha

he doesn't know

he doesn't know

he can't know

I don't know why

I 

don't

know

why

but I just

I couldn't let him see her

Daiha

I just

I couldn't let him

I couldn't

he didn't know

he wouldn't know

not about the scars

about what she's been through

about anything

all he knows

is that I have panic attacks

that's all he knows

that's it.

I found myself

crawling into my shell

away from Jax

away from everyone

all I wanted

was Daiha

that's all I wanted 

all

I 

wanted

I didn't care anymore

not about being alone

because Grace was there

I believed her

when she said she would be there

and Jax

well

I didn't know about him

all I knew

was that he was there

he was there 

when I couldn't do anything

I just

I didn't know

anything anymore

all I knew

was that I was tired

I just

I needed Daiha

to be awake

I can't do this anymore

"Please,

Delilah"

Jax said

and I found myself nodding

despite everything

despite my resolve

because I was weak

weak

weak...

He had his arm around me

and he guided me

as if I couldn't walk on my own

as if 

I wasn't strong enough

I let him 

I let him lead me

to his car

I hadn't said anything

not since my panic attack

I don't know why

I don't know anything anymore

I wouldn't talk

not until I saw Daiha

that I was sure of.

The ride to the hospital

didn't take very long

and as soon as we got there

I couldn't take it 

and I ran

I 

ran

to Daiha's room

and only stopped

when I could see her.

I swallowed

and sat in the chair

by her bed,

taking her cold hand

into mine.

I could already feel 

the tears forming

because nothing had changed

nothing

absolutely nothing.

Why hasn't she woken up yet?

Why?

she deserves

so much more

than this coma.

She deserves the world.

I don't know 

why I was expecting 

anything different

than what I found

What was I thinking?

That she would magically

be awake 

or even less pale

than the last time I saw her

a few days ago?

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't

fair.

I tried to ignore

the fact that 

absolutely nothing

was different

and I tried to ignore

all the machines

and tubes

snaking around Daiha

holding her hostage.

Instead,

I tried to tell her

what happened.

how I went to the beach

and had a panic attack

how I'd been having panic attacks

ever since the hurricane

that I'm afraid of the ocean

how I met Grace

at the cafe

and that 

I spent the night

at her apartment.

I told her

that Grace was in her grade

that she went to school

with Daiha

that I spilled my guts

to Grace.

I told her

that her step brother 

was Jax

and that 

he drove me here

and that

he somehow

was always there

whenever I had a panic attack.

I told her

that Grace invited me 

to go to church with her

but I didn't want to go

because how could God

do this to her?

how could he 

keep her locked

and trapped

in a coma?

why hasn't he 

woken her up yet?

it wasn't fair

not

fair...

"Delilah?"

I stopped breathing

and wiped my tears

"Daiha?"

my heart started beating 

faster

and 

faster

only to stop all together.

was Daiha awake?

did she wake up?!

please

be 

awake...

"No,

sweetie.

It's your mother"

I felt all the hope 

all the excitement

all the fear

and the anticipation

drain away

and I felt myself go cold.

Not Daiha

she didn't wake up.

it 

was

my

mother

* * *

"Delilah,

where have you been?

I haven't seen you

since Friday!

Your father

and I 

were so worried..."

she was going

on

and 

on 

about how worried she was

about how she thought

I was missing

and when they couldn't find me

at the hospital,

they didn't know where to look.

they didn't know where to look

because they didn't know me

not anymore

not since we moved.

they didn't know a single thing

about me.

how could they?

they weren't there

they were never there

they 

didn't

give

a

damn

about

me.

yet here she was

rambling on and on

about how worried 

she and my dad were

I was so angry

I wanted to punch something

they didn't have a right

to worry about me

they

had

no

right.

It wasn't fair

that they could never be there

and as soon as I wasn't home

for a little while

they say they're worried

and that I shouldn't do that to them

not with Daiha

in the hospital.

"Delilah,

please don't do that again.

It's enough to have

one daughter in the hospital.

We don't want to lose another daughter"

and that

crossed a line

I was done

hearing her crap.

She didn't want to lose 

another daughter?

She lost me

the minute

she and my dad

stopped

coming

home

stopped

caring

stopped 

being there

stopped 

being parents.

so I screamed at her.

"You don't want to lose me,

Mom?"

I spat at her

"well it's too late for that.

You lost me

and Daiha

the minute 

you and dad

stopped showing up

the minute you guys

never came home.

ever since we moved,

you never came home

and when you did

when we weren't perfect

you

judged

us.

You don't have a right

to be worried about me.

I never wanted to be 

at that house.

it was always big

and empty.

No wonder

Daiha cut

and starved herself.

Nobody was ever there.

And maybe 

if I wasn't such 

a baby

and came home

then she wouldn't 

have become

anorexic

maybe she wouldn't have cut

maybe she wouldn't have felt

so 

damn

alone.

But now,

I blame you.

it's your own damn fault

for never being there.

so don't you dare

don't

you 

dare

tell 

me

that you were worried about me

because you weren't.

the only reason

you started caring about Daiha

was because

she practically killed herself cutting.

even then,

you never cared about me.

apparently,

for you to pay attention to us

there has to be something wrong with us

and that's if you even noticed.

Daiha

was

mute

for God sake.

and 

you

did

nothing.

absolutely nothing.

So I don't give a damn

if you

or my father

were worried about me.

I don't care

because you don't care about me.

It's too late for that.

It's 

too

late

Mom,

if I can even call you that.

You know nothing about me

nothing.

so go home

or whatever you call that place

because I sure as hell

don't want you here,

and I'm sure

Daiha wouldn't either."

by the time I was done

screaming at her

she was crying.

good

I thought

and I couldn't help it.

She deserved it.

She deserved

every 

damn 

word

that she got.

Then, 

she left.

When she was gone

I felt myself fall

onto my knees

and I was sobbing

sobbing

sobbing

I was with Daiha

but all I felt

was alone

and empty

and weak

and scared

and I couldn't 

stop

crying.

I covered my mouth

with my hand

because if I didn't

I think I might scream

from the pain

of feeling so much loss

and hurt.

I pulled my knees 

to my chest

and rocked back

and forth

and back

and forth

until I heard a slight knock

on the door frame.

When I looked up

I found Jax

leaning on the door frame.

"I-

I thought you left"

I stuttered

still hugging my knees.

"I never left"

he replied.

"how much of that

did you see?"

I asked

afraid he had seen

the whole thing 

with my mother.

he paused

and then said

"the whole thing... 

I followed you

to the room

but stayed back.

I heard you talking

to your sister

and I heard your fight

with your mom"

I shuddered

and shivered slightly

unable to look at him.

well

so much

for not telling him anything.

He walked over to me

and sat on the floor next to me.

I put my head

on his shoulder

because I couldn't 

hold it up anymore.

I can't push him away

I don't think I have the strength to.

"Jax?"

I whispered,

biting my lip

to keep myself from crying.

"yeah?"

"please don't leave me"

my heart beat faster

and my hands were shaking

in my lap

and I watched him

holding my breath

waiting for his reaction..

"I'm not going anywhere"

he said,

pulling me into him

and wrapping me into his arms.

I couldn't help 

but crumble into him

burying my face 

into his chest.

he was running his hands

through my hair

and saying over

and over

and over

I'm here

I'm right here

I'm not going anywhere