1 month later

Daiha is out of the hospital

but she is on bedrest

to prevent her 

from hurting her head

until she is better.

I think better

is an arbitrary word

because Daiha may be physically healing

but mental healing

is a different story.

our parents

are taking us to therapy.

Daiha and I 

see different therapists

and we all go to a third

family therapist

to attempt to mend

what has broken...

sometimes I think it helps

other times

I feel it makes things worse

we have all started going to church together

and my parents try to act normal

I can tell 

because they put on their happy

fake smiles

to cover the scars and wounds

that need healing in our family.

Daiha is going to leave

and go to a center

in an attempt to help

her self harm

and depression

and anorexia.

it was her decision

she wants to get better

and she doesn't think 

she can do it on her own

I don't want her to go

we only just got her back

I want her to get better

I want her to heal

but why can't she do that at home?

my parents are all for it

I think it means less work for them

but they are trying at least

family therapy helps at least..

* * *

Jace hasn't talked to me

since Daiha came home

since Gracie told him I became a Christian.

I wanted to tell him

to talk to him at least

but Gracie let it slip

and he's disappeared.

every time I go to Grace's, 

he's not there

I try going to the park

and the spot where we met

even in school

but if I even catch a glimpse of him

he's gone before I can reach him.

I left voicemails on his phone

until his receiver was full

and I texted him

until my texts stopped going through..

the only message he sent me

was "we're done"

and didn't send another word...

I cried

and cried

but this time

Daiha was there

she wrapped her thin arms around me

and rocked me

and combed her long fingers 

through my hair

shushing me

she didn't say a word

but I could understand the message

she was there for me

and she loved me...

I tried to focus only on the feeling

of her arms

and her fingers

until I couldn't cry anymore

until I began to feel like a burden

and pretended to fall asleep

until she left

and I laid there

numb

staring at the ceiling fan

as it span in an endless cycle

listening to the steady tick of the clock

until I truly fell asleep...

* * *

I can't help

but feel guilty

every time I see Daiha

every time I see the little scar

on the top of her forehead

every time she winces

when there's thunder

every time I see the scars on her wrist

even more

when she's packing..

what if I had been there for her?

what if I hadn't ignored her?

what if I didn't run out into the storm?

what if

what if

what if....

I feel useless

I thought Daiha waking up

would make the panic attacks stop

would make the guilt go away

but it's only worse

and now

I hide in my room

or go to the park

and sit on the swings

so they don't find out

I don't want them to know

how bad it is

I don't know

how to trust God yet

I still don't understand

a lot

but I try

I want to try

but how can I

let them all in?

how can I tell them?

I can't even mention it

without crying

I don't want to be a burden

I've already caused 

too much pain

I am the reason this all happened

all I can do

is try to make it up to Daiha

so even though I feel guilty

and even though I hide from everyone

I listen to Daiha

I try to be there for her

I check on her

because I refuse to repeat

how I acted towards her in the past.

I don't want to let her go

before she leaves for the center...

I don't want her to go..

please don't leave me Daiha..

please