・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・

Swara was stunned at Sanskaar's words yet almost ran when she had caught sight of the dog who followed Sanskaar's wheelchair, who did look like a large wolf; she stood in her place only because of the firm grip Kabir had on her elbow. The dog, which she later recalled was named Rache, seemed to need no such physical restraint, it was apparent that it was too well trained to pounce on intruders when his master did not order it to do so, for Sanskaar had simply glanced at it and that had Rache settle down on its haunches. It also became clear as to how Sanskaar had realised that he would be having visitors.

Swara waited for Kabir or Sanskaar to say something, she could not speak as shameful melancholy filled her. She also did not say a word when a few minutes later, during which both the men seemed to have a battle of looks, Kabir silently led her out of the room. They had driven back to the café in silence and sat in silence; despite Swara's shock and Kabir's belligerent mood, both felt ashamed. Finally Swara asked, "Kabir, what did he mean not being able to walk was on the good days?"

Kabir squeezed his eyes, remorse filling his young face as he thought back to Sanskaar's face; he could not identify the expression with exactness but it wavered between consternation and disappointment, a brief look that he would never forget. He opened his eyes and with an effort, answered, "He is paralysed from waist down because of the spinal cord injury, so that he is not able to walk is the most obvious effect."

"That is alright but then why did he say that not being able to walk is on the good days? He does not even have the atrophied look that paralysed legs would have. And I noticed because he was wearing cut offs and I was staring at the floor for quite a few minutes..."

At Swara's question, he shook his head at her observations and switched to the doctor mode, for it was in a technical vein that he answered, "In a Spinal Cord Injury cases, since the brain is unable to communicate to the lower body on account of the damaged spinal cord, the brain cannot send or receive any signals for motor coordination so he cannot walk, which is how it is different from paralysis, where the muscles and nerves in the legs are damaged. In SCI cases, there are other effects, phantom sensations, unexplained pain, electrical sensations, difficulty in bladder and bowel functions and finally a decrease in or loss in sexual functions. Then there are the side effects of the medication one must take to reduce the risk of infections, blood clots and other secondary problems that arise from being immobile."

"There is no chance of him recovering?"

"With the extent of his injuries and the time that has elapsed, he has recovered as much as he can. There are no chances of him regaining mobility of his lower body."

When she heard Kabir out, she lapsed into silence again, unable to grasp the magnitude of Sanskaar's injury and undone at trying to imagine his battles with an ailing body. Kabir too was grateful that Swara was so engrossed with what she had learnt that she had not bothered finding out how he knew about Sanskaar, though he was scared of his parents' reaction when they found out what he had done. His mother would skin him alive; Kabir could have his differences with her but he was terrified of her wrath and he knew that this time he could have no support from his father, if he was lucky, his father might not assist his mother in skinning him. 

Deep down he knew that his reasons for being with angry his mother were not correct and his dislike of Sanskaar was baseless but resenting Sanskaar was easier than accepting what he knew. Despite his deep seated resentment, he regretted his momentary bout of spite which had prompted him to take Swara to see Sanskaar at his worst. He could recall the look on Sanskaar's face, a fleeting one, yet it was enough, it was a look of hurt and mild disappointment and he was surprised that it stung him.

However, while he realised that he would have to own up to what he had done and take the punishment accordingly, he decided there was no need to pull Swara further into the mess he had created and he alone would take the blame and the chastisement.

・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・

"I am sorry; I do not know what is wrong with Kabir"—

"Maasi, he is a good kid with his heart in the right place, a wonderful thing for an upcoming cardiologist. Just like his father, I guess that is where he got the inspiration to become one. And whatever happened, it is between the two us and we have settled it amicably, so please, shall we not talk about it?"

Dr Vidya Malhotra smiled; she had a great fondness for Sanskaar and had been both angry and ashamed with what Kabir had done, in her view that was an unforgivable breach of faith. Both her husband and she were of the same opinion that it was in Sanskaar's right to decide what to do with him and his irresponsible behaviour, and though she would never let Kabir know, she had been slightly relieved when Sanskaar had just accepted Kabir's shamefaced apology. She would have agreed to any punishment that Sanskaar judged Kabir deserved, but the mother in her heart was grateful. She also wondered how things had gone so wrong, for though Kabir worshiped the ground his father walked on, he had been growing distant from her, more so in the last few years. But since she did not want to dwell on Kabir at that point of time, she switched topics and asked, "So how far has your latest poem come along, the one that suspiciously sounds like an appreciation of deception?"

"It is coming along, would you like to listen to one quatrain?"

She nodded and Sanskaar recited it,

'However, deception is saddest when it appears,
To be wrought out of the bones of one's darkest fears;
Watered by cold regret and shameful tears,
Only remorse it fosters, as long as it perseveres;

Dr Vidya was silent, she had always appreciated Sanskaar's poetry and had been vocal about her opinions regarding his poems, but tonight something was different, she knew that the poem had an inner meaning, one meant for her alone.

Sanskaar watched her in silence too, he hoped she would be the one to make a move, the first to say something, but then as he watched the fear leach into her face, he knew that she would never say a word, which was not surprising; she had kept it a secret for so long, she would keep it for the rest of her life. However, Sanskaar was tired of keeping secrets, tired of being kept in the dark, so he decided to be blunt, "Did my father know?"

He knew that she knew what he was talking about when she blanched and turned pale; and it was quite some time later that she whispered, agony making her voice crack, "How do you know?"

"Well, since I do no nothing but lie down, trapped here, to my bed and my house, my eyes and mind wander. It is surprising, the things you can observe when you are immobile, the resemblances are faint but are there. However, that does not answer my question, did my father know?"

Dr Vidya sank further into the sofa beside his bed, making no effort to stop the tears and Sanskaar let her cry, it was in relief or in shame, he was not sure but he knew that she needed to cry and he let her take her time.

"I could not tell him, I was so ashamed of myself; I was a friend to both of them, more like a sister to your mother and it was like we betrayed her."

"My mother was dead and gone for more than eleven or twelve years, am I right? My father must have moved on, you must have stopped mourning for the friend you lost, why could you guys simply not talk it out, instead of you running away?"

Dr Vidya flinched at his harshness, though she did not object; he was right, in a way, but all those years ago it had been guilt and shame which had wormed into her heart and mind. Guilt that still seemed to surface whenever she remembered that night.

Sanskaar had fallen sick, plagued by a fever common to the children of his age, but when it had shown no signs of abating even after four days, Ram had been beside himself with worry and uncertainty. Annapurna, who had been sitting with Sanskaar for the past three days and nights had been forced to take rest when Vidya volunteered to stay with Sanskaar for the night. Her being a doctor and a family friend had convinced Annapurna to retire for the night with a light heart to take a much needed break. Ram had been relived when the fever broke towards midnight and Sanskaar slipped into a gentle  fever free sleep.

It was that relief that had broken the barriers between them.

Vidya had always been half in love with Ram but firmly believed that he was out of her reach and her dreams, for there was no way she would lay a claim to his heart, even if Sujata, her childhood friend had died more than ten years ago.

Even at the moment that she had surrendered to Ram, she knew that the moment was a mistake and though she would carry no regrets, nothing could come out of it. She left before Ram woke up, after confirming that Sanskaar was fine and that Annapurna was awake to take care of him, citing an emergency at the hospital. She could have forgotten her moment of indiscretion if she had not discovered that she was pregnant. And so she had done what she thought was the best, disappeared from their lives, only coming back after four years, as Mrs Karan Kapoor with a young son, Kabir in tow.

Sanskaar waited for Dr Vidya to say something, he knew she was remembering how the things had gone and when she simply sat quiet, he spoke out, "I still think you should have told my father. I am not going to judge either of you; both of you were consenting adults and there is nothing to be ashamed of it. Or did you think my father would not accept you and his son?"

Dr Vidya shook her head, Ram was an honourable man and he would have been horrified to know that she had gotten pregnant and would have gladly made them a part of their lives but then she had never given him a chance, she could not give herself that chance for all she knew that he had not gotten over Sujata even though eleven long years had gone by. She closed her eyes, there was no way she would admit that tiny memory to Sanskaar, she had given herself willingly to Ram and had hoped that, maybe he loved her too, wished that they could have a life together. A hope that was destroyed that night. For while she had whispered his name all the time, the only name that Ram had murmured was Sujata's.

She looked back at Sanskaar, "I did what I thought was best, I felt we did not have a future together. And when I met Kabir's fa...my husband, who agreed to marry me despite me being two months pregnant, it was a blessing in disguise."

She took a shaky breath and continued, "I always respected Karan and over the years I have grown to love him, he is a wonderful man and he adores Kabir, who idolizes him in return. I always loved Ram, and maybe I still do, but it is not like how it was when I was younger. I am not sure how it is possible that I could love both of them, very differently, but I still do love"—

When Sanskaar took her hands in his and gave them a squeeze, she smiled, the warmth drying up some of her tears, "I have never regretted that decision to marry Karan. It was his idea to change Kabir's date of birth, so that nobody could ever suspect anything. It was also luck that Kabir takes after my side of the family; everyone agrees that he looks so much like my father that there could be no doubts. But yes, he has a couple of mannerisms that are so like Ram's and you, who know Ram so well, would obviously find out."

Sanskaar nodded, "it makes sense, and with Kabir's birthday being almost thirteen months after your wedding date, nobody would guess anything else. And I promise, your secret is safe with me, I will never tell a soul about it."

A teary yet relieved Dr Vidya hugged him, "Thank you, it is for the best, it would not change anything though it could hurt a few people. I am not proud of it but then I did what I felt was the right thing to do."

Sanskaar held her and despite not wanting to, could not stop himself and in a broken voice, whispered, "You are not completely right, Maasi, it would have changed one thing for me, if you had married Dad, I would have had a mother. And maybe, Dad would not have died if he had you beside him to lean on."

・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・

Three days after that meeting, which had been insensitive and intrusive on her part, Swara stood at Sanskaar's doorstep, her arms sagging under the weight of the enormous bouquet she carried; it was a mass of orchids and roses and lilies, all in shades of white and pale yellow. She was aware that Kabir had gone over the next day to apologise to Sanskaar and would have apologised on her behalf also, but then she wanted to personally ask for forgiveness;  Kabir might have been impetuous in suggesting the meeting but she had been equally inconsiderate in tagging along. Since she wanted to be courteous, she had called up Tanisha to find out if Sanskaar had any preferences regarding flowers; being honest enough to give a brief reason as to why she needed to ask for forgiveness. The few seconds of silence on Tanisha's end confirmed Swara's suspicion that Sanskaar had not told anyone about their visit and she was grateful when Tanisha did not say anything apart from letting her know which flowers Sanskaar liked.

She took ten minutes to work up the courage to ring the doorbell and almost turned back in the two minutes it took for the door to be opened. She peered from the side of the bouquet, gave a wan smile at the elderly lady who opened the door and said, "Hello, I am Swara—"

"—"Swara? Swara Gadodia? You have turned out to be such a pretty girl, almost like your..."

"Maa, it is alright, she has come to meet Sanskaar and I shall take her up."

Swara was nervous but could feel the undercurrents, the elderly woman was warm and effusive while her daughter regarded her with a cold politeness; and feeling uncomfortable and foolish, Swara stood in the foyer taking in the house. It was a large open design with a wide staircase leading upstairs, where she knew Sanskaar's rooms were situated. She wondered how Sanskaar managed to navigate the stairs and knew her doubts showed on her face for the young lady answered, "there is a small indoor elevator but then the stair railing mounted against the wall also enables his wheelchair to move up and down."

The couple of minutes it took them to reach Sanskaar's room was in silence for neither was inclined to speak to each other and though Swara hesitated once again before his room, she knew what she had to do. Grateful that the young lady who had accompanied her had pushed open the door, Swara stepped inside.

Her nervousness only increased in his room, her arms ached from carrying the heavy bouquet, and it was so large that it obstructed her view too; she stood on one foot, then hopped on the other, while gearing up to speak.

"Oh, for God's sake, stop shuffling around. I accept the apology. And Meghna, could you help her out of that large flower bush that she is lugging around?"

Swara breathed a sigh of relief when she found her hands free and then pouted, an instinctive reaction when her plans went awry, "I had a whole speech prepared and you never even allowed me a single word."

"You are sorry for what you did, I know that, so why bother with a speech?"

She was startled when Sanskaar let out a small yelp, Meghna had whacked him on his head and was admonishing him, "You really have to learn some manners, she is being nice enough to apologise and got you such lovely flowers, you should also be nice in accepting the same."

Swara gave her a bright smile, one that faltered a little when Meghna came close and whispered, "I give my utmost loyalty and love to them and it extends to those whom they hold in great affection, but at times I do make exceptions. It would be nice if you remembered that. And do not take up too much of his time; he is not in his best health today, so he would be tired soon and should be allowed to rest."

・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・

Perhaps it had to do with her reading of too many romantic novels or perhaps it was her sheltered upbringing, or it could partly be her blinkered vision of the world in general, but Swara did not need much time to be convinced that she was in love with Sanskaar. It took her ten days, fifteen hours and forty three minutes from that ill-timed meeting in Sanskaar's room, during which she had met Sanskaar four times, apart from the day she had gone to apologise, and out of which one meeting was more of a casual discussion with Meghna, for Sanskaar had been sick and was under mild sedation. 

And the times that they had talked, it had been about mundane or routine topics and for short periods; nothing extraordinary that could make her admire his thought process or appreciate his knowledge about quite a few subjects; and all the meetings had been in the company of either Meghna or Annapurna or Laksh and Siddharth.

However, the whimsical side of hers was sure she was in love and her mind, used to following the dictates of her heart, agreed. She should have also felt guilt at having lied to Ragini, both as to the progress of the interviews and about meeting Sanskaar, but then she was so enamoured with thoughts of Sanskaar that she decided to deal with those inconvenient issues at a later time, and again her mind agreed. Her mind, as usual, also agreed when her heart decided to let Sanskaar know that she was in love with him.

And as with all her decisions, she was impulsive and reckless.

She dressed with care, picked up a extravagant bouquet with reddest roses she could find and considered it a very good omen that Meghna was not at home and Annapurna had left them alone for a few minutes as she was busy with the cooking. Unwilling to squander what she felt was a perfect opportunity, Swara gave Sanskaar a beaming smile, held out the bouquet and without any preamble confessed, "I love you."

There was  a moment of stunned silence. And for the third time in her life, she was answered with Sanskaar's loud laughter; this time it sounded full of mirth and mockery, with the faint echoes of misgivings.

And that is speciousness - where yet another secret tumbles out, yet another turn takes place. I would love to know what you thought about this secret and how do you think it will play out, does it give you any insight into Kabir or does it muddy the waters? And what do you think about Swara, is it love or infatuation and how would it effect them?

Do tell me, I love hearing from you and all feedback, good or bad is welcome.

love,
Nyna